Title: In Between (5.12 and 5.13)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything

About: The story is about the one month we didn't see. The month between Episode 5.12 and 5.13! And it is from Nathan's POV.

Summary: I looked down to my hands. My fingers played with my weddingring. I always do that when I'm getting nervous. „Look, it's… I'm not a very proud person. My father never let me be proud of myself, I was never good enough. I can hide that, but… I know my limits. I always knew my talent and it was all about the game. I knew I was good. And now it's gone and there is nothing left I know I'm good in. I'm only a hsuband and a father now and… I wanted to be as good as I can."

Note: I'm a german girl… so my english is NOT perfect. Please don't be so strict when you read it. Thanks to Nikki, Tina and Anika for proofreading!

I could have gone earlier. Jamie fell asleep very quickly, he was tired. After he told us that it was Carrie who kidnapped him and Dan who saved him, all he said was „I'm fine" and nothing more. Sleeping in the „big bed" is always something special, but I guess if he wouldn't agreed to sleep here, Haley would have stayed with him in his bed.

I knew I couldn't defer it forever. I thought about pretending to be asleep, maybe she would not wake me up. But it wouldn't change anything. I don't live here anymore, not at the moment. So I left the room and closed the door behind me.

This whole day seemed to be unreal. I had plans. I wanted this wedding to change something between me and Haley. I thought, maybe we could dance und talk and maybe we could clarify things.

Haley waited at the floor. She wasn't that pale anymore, but I knew she was still shocked. She looked at me, sighed quietly and before I realized what's going on she put her arms around me and leaned her head on my chest.

I remembered the dream I had this morning. Or should I call it a fantasy or an idle wish? It was a dream and I felt that I was light years away from getting this dream true, even if I held her in my arms right now. I felt very naive and stupid when I realized that none of my plans would have come true the way I wanted them to come true.

„He's sleeping", I whispered and felt how she got away from me. The moment was over. She went down and I followed her. Downstairs, to the frontdoor. The house was empty, everyone was gone. And a few seconds later I would be gone, too. I really wish it would be so easy as it is in every dream. I wish I could say „I want to come home Haley, I love you" and everything's good again.

She looked upstairs and got pale again.

„Everything is okay", I confirmed to her. And again I realized that I couldn't see anything in her eyes anymore. I still remember the second it happend. Only a few seconds and everything was gone, everything I always built on. I really wish I could turn back time.

„I know, it's just…" She closed her eyes and shook her head. „That day was horrible."

„Yes." It was hard to not touch her. I could not say if I really wanted to hold her or if I wanted her to hold me or if I only wanted to feel her. Or maybe I wanted all of it. But I knew what I didn't wanted to do - I did not wanted to go and I did not want to be alone. „Haley, can we talk?"

„Nathan…", she closed her eyes again and leaned her head back and again, I remembered my dream. I don't think she knew what I felt. Did she ever knew? „I can't… I… I don't know what you want to hear from me?"

I tried to find it again, in her bright brown eyes. A feeling, a thought, a wish, but the wall she had build around herself - the wall I had build - was still there. I only saw tiredness. „That you don't want a divorce. That would be… a good start."

„Not now, okay?"

Not now, not last week… maybe never? It's hard to describe feelings. Sometimes angst and panic ended up in nothing, simply nothing. She won't ask me to stay. She won't tell me that everything's gonna be okay. She won't even tell me that she still loves me. She won't tell me that she was shocked when she said the wanted a divorce and that she doesn't mean it.

She won't yell at me or baste me or cry or damn me. She won't reproach to me, making a compromise or forgive me. She won't do anything.

„I will go." I really tried to be strong. I don't know if it worked out, probably not. I'm not good in hiding feelings. Especially in front of her. „I want to see the kid tomorrow."

„Of course", she nodded.

I would never say it loudly; Is it possible that she doesn't love me anymore? Because if I said it loudly I have to think about that possibilty and I think, if she would ever say that, I would fall apart. And so, I won't ask her. „Good night."

I wished I would have parked the car closer to the house. I wished I could go faster, maybe running, to hide behind the windows, so she couldn't see me anymore.

„I thought about marriage counselling."

I closed my eyes and stopped moving, I stood there and I could hear my own breath. The car was only a few steps away. I turned around and looked at her. „What?"

„Lindsay gave me the name", Haley said. „She said, friends of her managed their crisis with her… with the therapist."

Marriage counselling. Really, I don't want to remember the fizzling my parents made when they „tried" to save their marriage and put me in the middle of their fight. But I'm not like my father, I'm not like Dan. I nodded to her and I tried to say something, but I couldn't. It wasn't an „I love you", it doesn't even was an „We get through it", but it definitly was an „I don't want a divorce".

I went back, pulled her in my arms and I didn't care if she returned it or not, I can't even say if she did or not. All I felt was thankfullness. „Thank you."

I closed the door and I saw Lucas standing in front of his bed, packing a baggage. „Hey."

He turned around and nodded. „Hey. You're okay? How's Jamie doing?"

„He's fine." I put my keys on the commode and set onto the bed, while he was still packing. „He's very fine. He's much better than Haley or me." I indicated to the begagge. „What are you doing?"

„I will go - for a while. My mum and Andy are going to depart tomorrow. She doesn't want to stay here, now that Dan is… you know?"

„Understandable."

„I will join them."

I nodded. I remembered Karen's face a few hours ago when Dad came into the room. Just like a faint. He was a free man now. Five years after he killed his brother coldblooded he was a free man, but Keith would never come back. „What about Lindsay? Did you talk to her?"

„Yes." Lucas zipped the baggage. It was obvious that he was pretty angry. „I guess she is confused. Well, I hope so. Everythings gonna be okay. If she needs time, she get time." He sighed. „I really don't want to talk about it."

„I'm really sorry about today", I said. I didn't know what else I could say. It must be pretty embarassing to be stood up in front of everyone you know - in a church - after you said "I do". „Today was supposed to be the best day of your life."

Lucas sat down beside me and looked me in the eyes. „Did you talk to Haley?"

„More or less … just a few words."

„She's still stubborn?" he asked.

„She… she wants to do marriage counselling."

„Wow, that's… a good thing, right? Better than a divorce."

Sure, better than a laywer who gave me divorce papers, but not a guarantee for anything. I fell back to the bed. I think I closed my eyes. Self pity could become an addiction very easily. And I guess I was full of self pity. I missed her, I missed Jamie, I missed my life. And I really couldn't see how it was possible that we end up where we were. As ridiculous as it sounds, but… I had done worse things than let a girl kiss me, didn't I?

„She seems so far away. I can't talk to her, you know? The worst part is, it's all my fault. I built that wall."

„Then break it down", Lucas replied.

„I don't know how!"

„She loves you, Nate."

Really everybody seemed to know that. Especially Lucas. Maybe she told him, he's her best friend. „What did she say?"

„Nothing. She doesn't want to talk about."

So, it was all about fantasy. He didn't know if she still loved me, no one knew, except her. „Last week she said that she's done trying to change me or us. And when she say things like that I can't answer her, because when I do, when I ask her, why or if she doesn't love me anymore… the answer's probably killing me." I looked at him. „I'm really scared, Luke."

Next morning I got a call from Haley that Jamie insisted to go to school. She told me that if I wanted to, I could take him home after school. She ordered me to be at school on time, as if I ever were too late. But okay, I was there ten minutes earlier than I had to be and I saw… my father. He stood behind the wall and he was watching the school. I did not talk to him.

Jamie babbled the whole time. He did not talk about Carrie or the abduction, he only talked about the school and Chester, his bunny. He seemed as if the last day never happend. He babbled and babbled and really, I don't remember what he told me.

Haley waited at home. Principal Turner agreed to let her stay home the whole week. Unlike Jamie, she wasn't over it, what had happend and I got the feeling that it did not worked out very well for me that Carrie turned out to be a Psycho Nanny.

I stood there and watched them, my wife and my son. The hug, the eskimo-kiss and new babbeling about school. My family … but I wasn't a part of them anymore. I felt like a stranger in my own house.

„Do you stay for lunch, daddy?" Jamie asked me and pulled me out of my thoughts. „Maybe you can help me with my homework."

Homework? Me? Haley looked at me, I looked at her and I guess we had the exact same thoughts. It was a very brief moment, but it was a beautiful moment. Almost like it used to be.

„Sure", she nodded to Jamie. „Daddy is gonna help you and then I'm gonna read it back."

Well, yes, that's the way it probably would work out.

„Sweet, I go feed Chester. Come on, daddy!"

„Yeah, I will", I replied and watched him running upstairs. I was alone with her, alone in the kitchen. Instinctively I looked at the ceiling. Probably it wouldn't start raining now. I sighed and turned around. „He doesn't talk about it. The teacher said, he was totally normal, not quiet and not nervous. I guess he gets through it much better than we do."

„When I told him that he's going to stay at home today, all I got was a tired but Moooom…." She gave me a piece of paper with a name and an adress. „I got a date for tomorrow morning. If it's too soon for you, I can…"

„No. No, it's …", I hunched my shoulders und smiled at her. Maybe it looked a little distressed. „The sooner, the better."

„Yeah, maybe." Haley sat down at the table and started reading her students homework. „We will see."

„Yes." The brief moment was defnitly over. She did not look at me anymore, she was totally concentrated on the homework. At least it seemed so. „Tomorrow at 10am."

She nodded and indicated to the stairs. „You should go, he's waiting."

„Yeah." I went to the stairs to go up to Jamie. I felt useless, horrible. There must be a way to broke that wall down. She could not really believe that it was better to stop trying it. So I turned around and got back. „Listen, Haley, I know you don't want to hear it and maybe it doesn't mean anything anymore, but… I don't want you to stop trying to change me or us. All I am, I am because of you. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm doing anything for you. Anything. Please don't give up."

„Daddy!" Jamie called from upstairs. „Come on!"

Great timing, at least for me. Maybe I was chicken, but I was thankfull for that calling, because I avoided an answer that could probably have killed me. „Yeah, I have to go."

„Okay", she said and I really don't know if I ever jumped upstairs so fast.

We didn't really talked much at lunch. Only once I got a look from my wife. Most of time Jamie was talking and most of time he was talking about Dan. But somehow we avoided an answer. But one day we're gonna have to take care of it. Dan is out of jail, he's back and he saved Jamie and he's my father. As much as I wish everything would be different - that's how it is.

Except a little „I see you tomorrow" I did not got anything from Haley and so we sat at the counsellors office the next morning. A woman with fire red hair, very thin and I guess, somewhere in her fourtys. I remembered the counsellor my parents visited a few years ago and I remembered the fizzling - again. So I decided to be as honest as possible and do whatever it takes to fix this.

I never expected us to be in a situation like this. It was hurtful.

She started with some common questions. How old are we? When did we get married and owing to our age, why did we get married? Was it because of pregnancy? And then she said: „Before we gonna start this, I want the two of you tell me one reason, why you are here. Take the paper in front of you and write it down. Only one reason. And then give me the paper."

I had thousands of reasons. In the end I chose „I do love her". The counsellor took the papers, looked at them and put them aside.

Basketball, music, highschool, college, Lucas, Dan, Jamie, the accident… everything got a brief shot and faster as I expected we got the big theme: Carrie. I felt really uncomfortable, because I knew I was the one who had to answer a lot of questions.

„Did you had any feelings for her, Nathan?" the counsellor asked me.

I felt watched. As well Haley as the therapist looked at me.

„Feelings?" Sad to say that this was the only answer I had in my mind.

„Romantic feelings. Passionate feelings."

Can we name her „Red Lady"? Because I really don't remember her name and her hair was like a burning fire.

„No." It felt like beeing in the dock. „I never ever thought about being with her. Never. Not for a second!" And that is the truth. I never thought about that, she wasn't worth of it. No woman is worth of it. I know that if I ever cheat on Haley, I'm gonna loose everything and nothing is worth of that. „I did not take her serious. It was just like… stupid flirting, it didn't mean anything."

„So if Haley starts flirting with another man, it's okay for you?" the Red Lady asked me.

In the beginning I liked that woman, she seemed to be pleasant. Probably she still was, but I felt really really uncomfortable. „What?"

„You said it didn't mean anything, because you never thought about being with her. So it's okay for you, seeing your wife flirting with another man?" she repeat her question.

„I didn't mean that."

„Did you do it more often?" She made some notes on her writing pad before she looked at me again. „Flirting with other women? You are an attractive man, I'm pretty sure there are offers."

„No!" I closed my eyes and I got a little angry. I really don't want to imply that her intentions were bad. I knew I made mistakes, but I felt like a role model for all cheaters in the world and I did not cheat! I tried to stay calm. „I don't do that. I don't want to be with someone else. I never wanted to be with someone else. Carrie was … she was … just there."

„And I wasn't?" Haley interposed.

„No, you weren't." I have to confess, I should have thought about my answer before I answered. But I wasn't willing to bear the whole blame. „You were not there, Haley. Either you were at school or you were at Peytons to help her with Mia. You weren't there."

Haley sighed with a shake of her head. „You're kidding. I was at home every night and I was there every morning and you never said one word, except good morning or good night. But why am I not surprised? You never talk to me!"

Ouch!

„What do you mean, Haley?" the Red Lady broached the subject again.

„He doesn't talk to me", Haley answered. „He does not let me in."

What could I have said or done? Begging for attention? Attention I did not deserve after all I had done. Or could I have said that she should not help Mia because I want her to be with me? „I don't want you to be disappointed."

She looked at me. It was not a good look. „And how often do you have to try it until you realize that as long as you don't let me in things are getting worse in the end?"

„What situation is on your mind, Haley?" the Red Lady intervened.

„More than one situation."

That didn't really looked good for me, right?

„A few years ago, he almost drowned and he didn't talk to me about it, he totally bared me and preferred to spent time with… whoever, he did not talk to me. When I told him that I was pregnant he ran out - twice. He did not talk to me, he made decisions about his future and without me."

„I was shocked!" I tried to justified. „You hid that from me for weeks and your timing was really… sorry… crappy! And by the way, I took it back, I totally stood behind you at the press conference."

„Lets talk about Daunte", Haley opposed.

„Haley that's not fair." That was the worst and the longest night and day of my entire life. I hate to remember, I don't want to. „I did not mean to hurt you."

„But you did", she replied. „And now you did it again. You did not let me in and in the end Carrie was the one who told me that you kissed her and you watched her swim naked. And Jamie told me that he hates me and that he want to have Carrie to be his mother, because you were happier with her."

„I did not kiss her." But that wasn't the point and it wasn't what really hurt me. „I did not know that Jamie said things like that, I'm sorry. He is a kid, he doesn't know what happend."

„No, he believes in what he saw."

Wrong way! But for the first time in weeks it was an emotion. I didn't know what I should say. Nothing sensible and „I'm sorry" seemed to be trite. But I knew that I had to talk to Jamie about that. I remembered when he called Carrie momma by misspoken and even if I never thought about that, because it was just a slip of the tongue, now I felt guilty for not saying anything to him.

„Haley, what did you feel when Jamie said these things to you?" the Red Lady asked. I thought that was a stupid question, I thought I knew how she felt.

„Betrayed", Haley answered. „Belied. Guilty. Lonely. Very lonely. All I wanted was to fix it. I wanted to hear that everythings gonna be okay. I wanted him to say that none of it … is true."

Not the answer I expected.

„But he didn't say that", the Red Lady finished Haley's statement and Haley agreed with a shake of her head.

„Maybe I wasn't home enough", she mumbled and wiped off her tears. „I wanted it to become better and not worse. I wanted it to be… like it used to be."

I looked down. „Yeah."

„Nathan, tell me the difference between the past and the present?" the Red Lady asked me.

The woman could ask you questions that you could easily answer but yet they made you think about it. „Everything."

„Give me an example", she demanded.

I looked down to my hands. My fingers played with my weddingring. I always do that when I'm getting nervous. „Look, it's… I'm not a very proud person. My father never let me be proud of myself, I was never good enough. I can hide that, but… I know my limits. I always knew my talent and it was all about the game. I knew I was good. And now it's gone and there is nothing left I know I'm good in. I'm only a hsuband and a father now and… I wanted to be as good as I can."

„Why do you think you can't manage being a father and husband?" the therapist asked. „You are married more than six years, you must have done something right."

I took a brief look at Haley, but I couldn't stand it. „A few weeks ago we spent a night in the club and there was a musician who pawed Haley", I continued. „I interrupted it and she was angry. We got a fight and the night … was over. It should have been the night, you know? Well … I know why she was angry and I understand that, but… she wouldn't have act like that in the past."

„How would she have act?"

Haley still looked at me, I could feel it.

„As if she needed me. I always knew, she didn't but when we got into situations like that it was good to believe in to be needed. To be a hero. To be… her hero." I felt a little foolish. It was okay to talk to a stranger, it was easier than I expected, but Haley was still there, too.

The Red Lady nodded. „How did you feel that night? When things went out so diffrent?"

Same like I felt since the accident. „Lonely. Needless. Like a failure. I was wondering why I was still there. She doesn't need me." Say it loud was really disenchanting. „And it seemed that she doesn't even want me."

„You still feel so?" she asked.

„Kind of, yes."

„What changed?" She made some notes again and I started to become worried about leaving that office in a few minutes and being alone with Haley.

„I don't live there anymore."

„So, you moved out?" the Red Lady asked.

I didn't, I was getting thrown out. „Well, mh… I was… I… yes. I moved out."

„I threw him out", Haley said with a strong voice. „I couldn't stand it… him. And I did not want to hear any excuses. And honestly, I didn't…"

„Where are you living now Nathan?" the therapist wanted to know.

„At my brothers house. He's on vacation."

„Are you feeling lonelier now than you felt at home for the last month?"

Again a question I started to think about it, even though I thought, the answer was pretty clear.

„Think about it, we will talk about it next week." She smiled at us and nodded. „So, we're close to the end of our first session and I really have to say, it seems that you two had been through a lot in the last years. It's too soon for me to make a statement about your relationship, but I want you to read your reasons why you are here. But before I show you what each of you wrote, I want to tell you, I've never met a couple who wrote the exactly same words." She folded the papers and gave them to us. „I want you to look at each other when you read them."

It was very strange. After all we had said in the last hour it was really hard to look at Haley and got her look back. But we did it. We looked at each other and read it. I opened the paper and saw her words… „I do love him".