A/N: Chuck/Serena because...well, I don't really know. This starts off right at season 1. I've followed the general timeline, but I've changed a lot of the details. It should all be pretty clear.
----
It starts out as something she needs. A reminder of all the things she was before, and maybe some of the things she wishes she still was. He was the one who gave her her first tumbler of gin, and she remembers that heady, buzzy feeling she had after drinking it.
It's the same heady, buzzy feeling she has now after a couple martinis. She hasn't really had a drink in a long time, let alone two, and let alone two doubles without having anything to eat before. But it's that familiar feeling that makes her think that his hand on her leg actually feels kind of good. That maybe the way the two of them used to kiss each other when neither could find anyone else they wanted to kiss wouldn't be so bad right now.
But that's not her anymore, and it's all confusing, so she pushes him away and she hits him someplace he probably doesn't deserve to be hit. But the truth of the matter is that it scares her how tempting it is, how easy it would be, to fall back into that life. It's exciting and she misses it. She knows what it would mean if she did, and she knows she's got to be on her best behaviour, so that's what she does.
Best behaviour. Be a van der Woodsen. Go to Constance. Get good grades. Get into an Ivy.
Don't drink. Don't do drugs. Don't get caught with the wrong people.
Easy.
Yet, as soon as she's outside, she feels horrible. Chuck is one of her oldest friends, and she's just been horrible to him and maybe he didn't deserve it.
But she's lost her phone so she can't call him, and walking back into that bar seems like a horrible idea. She's afraid that if she does, she'll kiss him just to prove that she's still in there somewhere, that she hasn't been erased by boarding school, and that she hasn't forgotten what it's like to hang out with him.
So she goes back to her room and slips into her bed, and tomorrow she'll get up and start another day, and she'll pretend she doesn't feel like a complete fraud when her mother asks her how she is in the morning and she replies, 'good'.
----
Dan is earnest and sweet and cute in the geekiest kind of way. He's nice in that I-don't-know-how-to-not-be-nice way, and he looks at her like she's some sort of goddess or something, but it's not the same. It's not the same as the way other people look at her. It's not just her looks, though she can tell it's that too, a little bit. He thinks she's some untouchable girl, that he'd never have a shot, and that her talking to him is some kind of miracle. He's fidgety and he rambles, but he's...clueless.
In a good way.
He doesn't know what she was like before, so he isn't questioning any of her behaviour, one way or the other.
The look of surprise and complete awe on his face when she sets up their date is so cute that she thinks she wants to kiss him and do the kinds of things with him that she's not supposed to do anymore. But she stops herself from even thinking it because she can tell he's not that kind of boy, and she's not supposed to be that girl.
But she still pulls on a dress that she knows looks like a million dollars, and she goes to Brooklyn, and she's genuinely scared for his little sister when she hears that Jenny's with Chuck and she's scared and she needs Dan's help. Serena is not lying when she says that if it's Chuck that's the problem, Dan will need her help.
She feels bad when Dan punches Chuck, but only for a moment. He may be a friend, but he should know better than this, forcing himself on a girl. She yells at him and she doesn't regret it, but then she sends him a look that anyone else would see as vengeful. It is, to a degree.
But maybe part of it is that she wishes you could be like him again. She wishes she didn't have to pretend. She doesn't want to make apologies for who she is, and while Chuck most definitely should apologize for this, he probably doesn't need to apologize for anything else.
She wonders if he's ever felt this way; like he's hiding a part of himself. She thinks that if anyone in the world would understand how she feels, maybe Chuck would.
----
It doesn't surprise her that Chuck knows about she and Nate. Not at all. For one, he's asked her about it a million times in the course of her life. For another, she used to drunkenly slur that she thought she was in love with her Natie. That, and he's Chuck Bass.
It does surprise her that he outs her in front of everyone. Most importantly (she thinks), Dan.
There's a part of her that's so damned relieved that everyone knows, that she's certainly torn. She doesn't want to carry around the secret, but she doesn't want people to think she's unfaithful to her friends. She doesn't want everyone to think she hasn't changed, but she's glad that she doesn't have to keep pretending in front of Dan.
Because really, if he likes her as much as he says he does, then he should be able to forgive her for this. It happened before she even knew who he was, so why does it matter to him?
He gives her some poetic answer about her not being the person he thought she was, and she should argue with him, but she can't. She really can't.
She doesn't want to.
----
It's that same night that she shows up at Chuck's suite. She isn't really sure why she's there, but before he's even opened the door, she realizes it's because he's the only one she's got.
He opens the door, and he's in a velvet dressing gown, and she'd smile if she wasn't in the middle of some kind of emotional disaster.
"I like the old me better too," she says, because she thinks it might be true, at least a little bit.
There's always been Chuck, and he's always been the one person she could go to for this kind of thing; admission of feelings after too much to drink, or late night mu-shu from that place he loved in the Village. He used to take care of her, but he'd never admit to it. She'd get into trouble, and it was him she'd call, because there was no judgment. Nate always looked too worried, and Blair always looked too scared, and her mother was...wherever she was. Chuck was never too far away to help her out of whatever trouble she got into, and there's a part of her that loves him for that; will always love him for that.
"Welcome back, S," he says. He pulls the door open a little wider, and he doesn't mention it when she hesitates for just a moment to walk inside. That's the other thing she loves about him. He's grown up knowing discretion. He may be mildly manipulative, but he also knows when to keep his mouth closed. "Can I fix you a drink?"
"What did I just say?" she asks, and he laughs and she smiles, because it feels good to not have to be good.
And that's it. There are no apologies. They're even. They always have been. They don't need to explain, and she won't ask him to and he won't expect her to. It's good this way. It's better.
"I didn't think you'd talk to me," he admits.
"I wasn't going to." It's not a lie. She knows he knows that. She knows it won't hurt him to hear it. "There's no one else."
"You're Serena van der Woodsen. There's always someone. I'm sure Lily has a therapist on speed-dial," he says.
She smiles and take the Manhattan he's mixed her. "Two, I think," she says. He places his hands on the bar that's separating them and she nods in appreciation after she's taken a sip of her drink. "Blair's...Yeah. And Nate..."
"I thought that'd be it for you two," Chuck says. She looks at him like he's crazy. "I thought that if they broke up, it'd be you two."
"It's not." She looks down into her glass. She hasn't thought of it that way. She doesn't know if she wants it to be that way. But it's Nate, and it's her and Nate, and maybe she should be thinking about it.
She just doesn't want to.
"To be honest, I didn't think Nathaniel had it in him," he says slyly.
There's a crude joke that she wants to say, but she bites her lip instead, and the way he looks at her with that smirk says, 'we'll get you back in no time'. She wants to make it crystal clear that she doesn't want to be exactly like she used to be. She just wants to be free and have fun, but still maintain her dignity, finish high school and all that.
She just wants to be happy. That shouldn't be too much to ask.
Sitting there with Chuck, a delicious drink in her hand as New York bustles on the streets below them is the happiest she's felt in ages.
"How is Erik?" he asks. Her eyes meet his, and she can see that he knows everything. She should be surprised. She's really not.
"How did you...?"
"S," is all he says. He's got resources, and he's not afraid to use them. All that goes unspoken.
And there's something like concern or sympathy or compassion in his voice, and it reminds her that he's just like her in a lot of ways. Wild and crazy and sometimes just a little selfish, but beneath the surface, a genuine, good person.
This is why she came to him. This is why she's always come to him.
"He's okay," she says quietly.
He doesn't ask more, and she doesn't say more. They finish their drinks in solitude, because he knows that if she wants to talk, she'll talk, but if she doesn't, then she won't. He won't push her and she won't start a fake conversation to take the focus off the last one. She's not the typical Upper East Sider, and neither is he.
She goes back to her room before midnight, and the smile she gives him before she walks out the door is the most genuine one he's seen since she came back to town.
----
The Ivy reception may have been one of the worst days in Serena's life and it was Chuck who understood it all. She didn't look at him all day - she was busy trying to avoid her brother's public humiliation, offering herself up instead of Erik.
Chuck wonders if he's ever witnessed something so noble.
When she shows up at his room that evening after spending hours and hours with her mother and little brother, Chuck just pulls her into his arms at the first sight of a tear.
He really isn't one for embraces, and she really isn't one for tears, but they both make the exception, and they both know that they'll only make it for one another.
----
It's quick and quiet, the way she starts to feel more for him. No one else even knows they spend so much time one-on-one, but almost every night they're in his suite, ordering food and sometimes drinks. They smoke expensive cigars and unfiltered cigarettes, because it's fun and they can. She'll fall asleep on his bed in her clothes and she'll wake up the same way, and when her mother asks where she was (she's suddenly so concerned about her daughter's whereabouts), Serena doesn't even lie. She says she was with Chuck, and Lily doesn't question it. There's something about that that's a little unnerving, but Serena breezes past it, changes into a clean school uniform, and bounds out onto the hotel's courtyard just in time for Chuck's limo to take them to school.
She's waiting outside his door one Saturday morning just before noon, and he walks off the elevator wearing the same suit he wore the night before to his club opening. She didn't go, instead choosing to help Nate deal with his family situation.
No one knows that part, though. It doesn't need to be a secret, it just is. Nate mentioned in passing - just threw it in as a sidebar to a conversation - that Blair broke up with him. Serena wasn't sure if it just wasn't important to him at all, if it didn't matter, or if it just wasn't important to him in light of everything else he had to deal with.
There's a part of her that thinks that he's been over Blair for a long time. She doesn't care as much as she used to.
"'Morning," Chuck says nonchalantly as he opens the door. Serena gets to her feet and looks at him expectantly. "How long have you been here?"
"Long enough. Why are you...smiling?"
"I always smile," he tells her. It's not really a lie. He walks straight over to the bar and mixes himself a gin and tonic, and she shakes her head when he holds up the bottle of Bombay Sapphire, silently asking if she wants one.
"Sorry about last night, I had..."
"Nathaniel," he supplies. She shrugs her shoulder. He smirks devilishly. "I had Blair."
Something about the look on his face and the way he said it and the fact that Nate said that Blair was going to Victrola leads Serena to believe that there is a whole other meaning to his words.
And it makes her feel a little sick to her stomach.
"Chuck," she almost whispers. Her voice is soft because she's feeling something like...Jealousy. Why is Blair always the one getting Serena's boys? She hates herself for even thinking that way, but it seems to be true. She doesn't know when she came to think of Chuck as her boy, but it's there. She doesn't want to question it, fearful of the answer. "What did you do?"
"Nothing she didn't want to do."
"But are you...It's Blair, Chuck. She doesn't...It's Blair," she repeats, because she knows that'll say all the words she can't seem to find.
"I saw her this morning. She has repented. She wants nothing more to do with me," he says. He sips his drink and he's stonefaced, and Serena can't decide if he's being stubborn and stoic because that's just the way he always is, or if he's hiding something.
"Well, where? You weren't here, and she wouldn't take you to her bedroom," Serena says. She grimaces when she realizes how harsh her words are, but Chuck smiles. He's not easily offended, and it's a good thing.
"I have a limousine," he says slyly. Serena smiles and shakes her head, then she starts giggling a little bit.
"So, I took Nate's virginity in an empty bar, and you took Blair's virginity in the back of a moving limo," she says. She's smiling and he smirks roguishly and shrugs one shoulder. "That's so..."
"Us?" he supplies and she can only nod.
She bursts out laughing because it really is funny. Blair and Nate haven't slept with each other and they're the only two who have any business doing it. Chuck starts laughing too - really laughing, the way he rarely ever does - because it's hilarious, and she's laughing, and she's beautiful when she laughs.
He changes into a more casual outfit, though it's still the kind of high fashion that only Chuck would wear in a hotel suite with really no one there to see him. They order room service and turn on TBS and watch stupid movies that have the curse words edited out, and they supply the correct words, loudly and quickly, where they're supposed to be. It's the kind of childish thing he only ever does with Serena, and he doesn't question why that is.
In the middle of the afternoon, Serena moves to his bed and lays down on her side, and Chuck lays down on his back. The television is still on, though neither of them is watching it, and there's still coffee to be drunk and snacks to be eaten, but neither of them are interested in any of it.
"Do you like her?" Serena asks after a few moments of silence. She doesn't look at him as she asks, because she doesn't want him to see the look on her face - whatever that might be - if he answers yes.
"She loves Nathaniel," he reminds her.
"I didn't ask that."
He sighs and rolls onto his side, resting his hand on her thigh and pressing his chest to her back. "I don't," he answers.
She smiles, though he can't see her, and she falls asleep wondering if he's lying.
----
He spends Thanksgiving with the van der Woodsens. Lily is almost suspiciously nice to him, and only he knows the reason. When Serena says that he has no place to go and Bart is out of town, Lily acts like it's a surprise and ushers Chuck through the door, and the look he gives her lets her know that he won't say a word about her relationship with his father.
They order Chinese from a cheap place around the corner from The Palace, and he'd love to pan the idea as classless and insane, but he just can't do it.
Serena's wearing jeans and a grey tee shirt, smiling and laughing and shoving Erik for the funny things he says in that dry humour of his, and Chuck realizes he's comfortable. Nothing is forced, and he's not trying to impress anyone because they don't need him to. They smile and exchange stories, and he finds himself laughing with them. It's the four of them until Lily and Erik go out to search for dessert, and then it's just Serena and Chuck, and he watches her crack open a fortune cookie.
"It's all right there in your eyes," she reads. She crinkles her brow and turns to Chuck, and the giggle she lets out has him smiling. "What does that mean?"
He doesn't really hear her. He's busy realizing that she's beautiful.
He's always known it. He's always known it in that way that everyone else seems to know it. She's stunning. Blonde hair and legs and a smile that could make almost anyone weak in the knees.
But she's different around him, somehow. She's relaxed, like she doesn't have to prove anything to him (she doesn't) and she doesn't have to try (she doesn't). She twirls her hair around her index finger when she's nervous, and she applies cheap lip gloss instead of the expensive kind she wears when she goes out into the world.
He takes another look at her, and he hasn't answered her question, and they just stare at each other.
Her fortune cookie was right.
He places his hand on her knee and she bites her lip. She takes a sharp breath when he leans towards her just slightly.
The door opens, with Erik calling through the suite that they found cannolis, and Chuck moves his hand. She misses the warmth his touch brought, but she wants to ignore all that because she's not supposed to feel it.
----
He's her escort to the debutante ball. She doesn't want to go and neither does he, but he wears the tails and she wears the dress, and they laugh with one another as they do that ridiculous dance. Blair's been waiting for this forever, and she's back with Nate, and it's all just perfect in her eyes.
Serena doesn't care about any of it - she wasn't even going to go until she was forced into it -so as soon as they've done all they need to do, she takes Chuck's hand and they leave together, and as they're walking down the street, her in her gold dress with her golden hair and her golden skin and Chuck in his black tux with the tie that matches her gown, people keep commenting on what a lovely couple they are.
They both pretend they don't hear it. They both secretly smile every time they do.
They go to his suite and she finds one of his St. Jude's uniform shirts. She wears it instead of her dress for the rest of the evening, and Chuck thinks she looks more gorgeous in his shirt than she ever has in anything else.
----
They're fighting the first time he kisses her. Well, the first time he kisses her with any real emotion. They've kissed before, stupidly and drunkenly, his wet lips and her willing ones, just because they weren't in any frame of mind to not kiss one another.
This is so different.
It's Christmas Eve. Their families are spending time together for really the first time. Chuck is late, and when he shows up, the look on his face tells Serena that he was up to something. Maybe with a girl. She doesn't know who. It all hurts the same no matter what, and no matter how much she shouldn't care who he was with.
The truth is, he's been trying to keep himself from thinking of her and wanting her because, well, he can't think of her and want her. He can't. Their parents are involved, and they just can't be.
But there she is, wearing a scowl and that black dress he helped her pick out for the occasion, and he knows immediately that she's mad that he's late. And maybe she's mad for more than that too.
He reaches for the bottle of champagne as he apologizes for his tardiness, and everyone forgives him but Serena, and he's the only one that notices. He refills her glass, and she starts drinking without even casting a glance his way.
This goes on for 10 minutes, and it's almost killing him, and he hates that he cares so damn much.
"Serena, a word?" he requests. He places his hand on her back, and everyone's looking at them, so she doesn't swat it away or shove him off like she wants to. She grabs the bottle of champagne angrily out of the ice bucket, and she feels everyone's eyes on her as she walks back to her bedroom and Chuck closes the door behind them. "I'm sorry."
She's not sure she's ever heard him apologize for anything. Not really.
"Why?" she asks. She folds her arms, still holding her glass in one hand and the bottle in the other, and he has to stop himself from making a comment about this being like old times.
"You're mad. I don't want you to be. I tried to get here on time."
"You could have just...oh, I don't know, not hooked up with some random girl," she says. She takes a sip of her drink to keep herself from saying more. She thinks she's already said too much.
"I didn't," he says, furrowing his brow in confusion.
"Really? Because you're late, and you look...satisfied...or something. And now you're apologizing to me, and you really don't have to, I guess, and..." She stops talking when he tucks his hand into his pocket and smirks. "What?"
"You know when I look satisfied?" he asks in amusement.
"Shut up," she sighs out, throwing her head back.
He takes a step towards her, and she takes a step back. He reaches for the bottle of champagne, but she clutches it tighter. He pulls it from her hand, and she glares at him.
This is why he likes her. They fight and argue and they drive each other insane 90 per cent of the time, but beneath it all is a rare kind of affection, born from understanding exactly why they each act the way they act.
"Chuck, stop," she says seriously, her tone harsh as she says words she doesn't honestly want to say. He steps closer and she can't let him. At least she thinks she can't. "Don't. This is...You and me. Our parents...and...It's wrong, and I don't know what you're doing, and...I'm mad at you, because..."
He grabs her by the arms, maybe a little too roughly, and he presses his lips to hers firmly. He doesn't want to hear her reasons they shouldn't do this. He ignores the way she tries to pull away from him, and then she's kissing him back just the way he's always secretly wanted to be kissed; like she wants to kiss him, and she wants him, and she doesn't want him to be gone in the morning and he doesn't want to be gone. It's a different kind of kiss and he feels it in his stomach, and it's new and scary, but he likes it.
"Chuck," she says once he's pulled away. It's his name on a sigh, just like he's heard a lot of women say it, but it's better when she does it. It sounds like years of pent up sexual tension that they didn't know was there, coming out in that one syllable in that one sigh.
"Serena," he says. He rarely calls her by her whole name when they're alone together. It's always S, never Serena. She wonders what that means. And she wonders why his eyes look soft and his tone is quiet. "I was late," he starts, then reaches into the breast pocket of his jacket, pulling out a long, slim box with Cartier written on the top, "because I had to pick this up." She looks at the box like it's some dangerous foreign object, and he rolls his eyes. "It's for you."
"Chuck, you...Why did you get me this?"
"Open it," he commands gently.
She shakes her head, and he shakes his, and he pulls open that box to reveal a necklace that they both know is perfect for her. Platinum chain and diamonds sitting at the center, arranged like a drawn out, sideways 'S'. Her mouth gapes just a little bit, and he takes the necklace in his hand then discards the box, tossing it onto her bed. He slips his hands beneath her hair and fastens the necklace around her neck, and that beautiful cluster of diamonds sits perfectly on her, just below the hollow of her throat. She doesn't walk to the mirror like most girls would, and she's still looking at him when she runs her fingers over the gift.
"Why?" she repeats.
"Because it looks like you," he admits softly, his voice showing more emotion than she thinks it ever has.
She takes his face in her hands and kisses him hard, because it's a beautiful gift and he's beautiful for giving it to her, and all the reasons why they shouldn't be doing this pale in comparison to the one big reason why they should.
Because she wants to.
"Thanks," she says casually after they've parted.
He loves that she's not all earnest about it. It wouldn't be right; it wouldn't be her. He pulls open the door, and they walk back into the room just in time to see Bart get down on one knee.
----
She wakes the morning after Christmas to voices in the main part of the suite, and she's not happy that it's 7:00 and she really wants to be sleeping. She throws back the covers with a groan, stuffs her feet into her slippers, and throws on her robe before storming out of her bedroom.
She sees Chuck standing there with two bellboys. All three of them look her up and down. She's wearing just a yellow satin nightgown and a matching robe - left open in her haste to yell at someone. She's got that necklace around her neck, and Chuck feels his heart race a little bit.
They haven't really spoken since Christmas Eve. Their parents left the night before, and Chuck and Erik went out, and Serena spent time with Blair. She lied and said the necklace was from her mother when Blair asked, and she mentally kicked herself for forgetting to take it off. There's a part of her that was glad she didn't. She doesn't want to take it off.
"What's going on?" she asks angrily, pulling her robe closed and wrapping her arms around herself.
"The third bedroom on the left," Chuck tells the attendants. They gather his things and start down the hall, and he refocuses his attention on Serena. "I'm moving in."
"Chuck," she hisses. "No."
"I don't think I'll regret it," he says huskily. He runs his hand down her arm to loosely grasp her wrist, and she doesn't pull away like she probably should. "You always did look lovely in the mornings."
"You can't do this," she tells him, shaking her head. "We can't...live together."
"We can. And my father and Lily are away," he says. There's undisguised innuendo in his tone, and he sees a smile that she desperately doesn't want him to. "We'll enjoy ourselves."
"We haven't...talked about this, and I don't - we don't...shouldn't - be..."
"You get all tongue tied around me," he notes proudly. "It's endearing."
"Stop it."
"Your bedroom, shall we?" he suggests. "We'll talk. Or something."
He tips the men who helped with his bags, and they nod in his direction, both of them noting that he's still holding onto Serena's hand. He ignores the looks they give him and ushers her back to her bedroom so she can't be ogled anymore. All those lingering looks men always seem to be giving her have started to bother him.
Erik is sleeping a few doors down the hall, and her mother is away, and this boy in her bedroom is her future step-brother, but all she wants is to kiss him, because she's wanted to kiss him since Christmas Eve, and she's missed him a little bit. So when he sits next to her on the bed, she leans over and presses her lips to his quickly.
It's he who suggests that they have that conversation. She smiles when she thinks that this part of him has always been in him, he just hasn't had cause to use it. She likes that it's she who's bringing it out of him.
But it's not much of a conversation, and she didn't really expect it to be. They don't need all that, the movie ending with the declarations of feelings and all that.
"I don't do this," he says. "Relationships."
"And I'm an expert?" she asks, and he grins at her. "But my mom and your dad..."
"We're not related, S," he reminds her seriously.
"But it's weird!" she cries petulantly. "People will say..."
"Who cares?" he asks.
Well, he has a point there, doesn't he?
"What about our parents?" she asks. She's quiet, and she's looking down at her hands, picking idly at the polish on her index fingernail. He covers both her hands with one of his and she looks over at him.
"Are they in any position to judge?" he points out. She gnaws her lip and shakes her head, and then she smiles at him.
They spend the rest of their morning kissing in her bed, and her laughter makes his chest hurt in the best of ways, and when they hear Erik walking through the apartment, they call him into the room after they've fixed the bed and she's put on real clothes. They announce that Chuck has moved in, and Erik is thrilled.
These are two of her favourite people in the world, and she's got them all to herself for more than a week.
----
She and Erik attempt to make waffles one morning, and when Chuck sleepily stumbles out of his bedroom (where he actually spent only a couple hours of his night), he looks at them like they're insane, and the two blondes burst into laughter. Serena has batter in her long hair, and Erik has a hand print - presumably Serena's - of flour on his chest. The kitchen is an absolute disaster, and Chuck shakes his head.
"We're cooking," Serena announces.
"No, we're...trying," Erik corrects her, wiping his hand on a towel.
"You're failing, by the looks of it," Chuck says.
Erik laughs and Serena scowls. "Hey!" she cries. "This isn't easy!"
"Sure it is," Chuck insists. He walks over to the house phone and dials the front desk. "This is Chuck Bass. Please send up an absurd amount of waffles." He hangs up without another word - they know who he is and which suite he's in anyway - and motions as if he's dusting of his hands. "See? Easy."
"What about the mess?" Serena asks girlishly. She surveys the damage - there's a lot of it - and Chuck picks up the phone again.
"It's Chuck Bass again. Send a maid as well."
They all start to laugh, and Chuck pulls both of them out of the kitchen, making them each promise not to attempt any more culinary adventures. He uses a paper towel to clean the clump of batter from Serena's hair as Erik runs to change his shirt.
"Cooking is hard," she tells Chuck as he slips his hand into hers.
"Yes, dear, that's why no one actually does it in this part of the city," he reminds her. "You do look sweet though." He brushes the flour from her cheek and she beams.
"I was cooking for you," she admits quietly.
He can't help himself. She looks so cute and sexy and adorable that he has to kiss her. They haven't done this anywhere other than her bedroom, and she pushes him away quickly, hissing her brother's name at him, but she's smiling the entire time.
----
The three of them spend New Years with a bottle of champagne, dressed to the nines because Serena insisted upon it. They sit in the living room of their suite with the balcony doors open so they can hear the city below them. It's so not a party, but they all like it that way. Serena sits back and watches contentedly as Chuck and Erik talk about something or another, and they like each other so much that she can't help but think how incredibly lucky she is that her boyfriend and brother get along so well.
Wait. Boyfriend?
Erik goes to bed shortly after midnight, and as soon as his bedroom door has closed behind him, Chuck places his hand on Serena's cheek and pulls her into a kiss.
"You're gorgeous," he states. He holds her hand as he steps back, admiring her in her silver sequined dress.
"Thanks," she says. She smiles at him and tugs him back to her, and they walk out onto the balcony. He wraps one arm around her lazily as he stands behind her, and she rests her hand atop his on her stomach. "This is my favourite New Year's."
"Is it?"
"Yup," she says. She tips back her champagne glass, finishing the rest of it, and he takes the glass from her and sets it aside. He turns her around so she's facing him, and her gaze darts between his eyes and his lips.
"I think it's been mine, too," he admits.
She's never had a proper boyfriend, not really, but she thinks this is what it would feel like. When he leads her by the hand back to her bedroom, it's close to 1:30, and she's not tired in the slightest. They sleep together for the very first time ever, and she knows he's never treated another girl like he's treating her. She's certainly never had anyone else treat her that way. It's like he cherishes her, like she's precious, and like sex isn't just something he wants to do, but something he wants to do to express himself in some way. She doesn't mention any of that, but it's how she feels too.
So it's New Year's, and they've had champagne, and they were perfectly dressed, and now they're laying all tangled up in her satin sheets.
It's so cliché and so unlike either of them.
So it's perfect.
----
They've hardly left the apartment, and Serena is going stir-crazy. She's hardly been dressed - not in proper clothes - in days, and they've watched half the movies in Erik's rather extensive DVD collection. They've had all their food ordered in, they've spend a lot of time with Erik, though right now he's out with a new friend, and they've spent most of their time alone in his bed or her bed.
They're in hers right now. Chuck is contentedly reading the Robb Report, and Serena is flipping through channels aimlessly; she's got no intentions of watching anything anyway.
"Let's do something," she says, turning off the television and dropping the remote.
"I am." He doesn't even look up from his magazine.
"No. I mean something. Let's go out," she clarifies. She looks down at him and he cocks his brow. She plucks the magazine from his hands and tosses it onto the floor.
"I'm comfortable here, darling," he says. "Your bed is perfect."
"I know that," she concedes, making him laugh. "But I'm going crazy. I'm an outside cat."
"Serena," he laughs. "You're not a cat." She rolls her eyes and lets out a huff. "Well, maybe a..."
"If you say cougar, you'll regret it," she says seriously. The way he looks at her has them both laughing. "Come on, Chuck," she pleads, climbing onto his lap so she's sitting on his thighs. "We never leave here. I feel like we're becoming..." She gasps and her hands fly to her mouth.
"What?" he asks. He's smirking amusedly, because he can't not be happy when she's sitting on top of him. His arms are behind his head, and he looks so content laying there like that.
"We're becoming Nate and Blair," she states in horror.
He pushes her off him, stands from the bed, and reaches for her hand. She's still giggling when they step into the elevator
She's wearing just her own jeans and a St. Jude's Athletics tee shirt (she has no idea why he has it, and she teased him about it that morning before pulling it on; he's not athletic in the least). He's wearing black slacks and a light blue button down, casually untucked, and it's so unlike him, but so like her, that it makes her smile.
They climb into his limo and it's not until they've pulled into traffic that they realize they have no idea what they're doing.
"Where do you want to go?" Chuck asks.
She pauses dramatically, places her hand on her chin as she thinks, and says, "Connecticut."
And so they drive to Connecticut, kissing and laughing in the back of his limo, and when they get there, Hartford, because that's where the diver assumed they were headed, Chuck simply breaks away from Serena and says, "New York."
Sure, it's pointless and decadent for them to have done it, but that's kind of the way things work in their world. She lays her head on his lap as they drive back to the city, and he idly runs his hand through her hair and tells her that he can remember when they were nine and she told him in no uncertain terms that she was going to see the whole world. He'd told her it would take forever, and she said she didn't care. She was stubborn and reckless, and she started across the lawn of Blair's family's Hamptons estate towards Nate and Blair, but she stopped running and turned back to him. She'd asked if he wanted to see the whole world with her, and he'd shrugged his shoulder and said sure.
She can't believe he remembers that. She kisses him just once, delicately, and they don't say anything for the rest of the drive.
They're holding hands when they walk back into the apartment, thinking it's still relatively early - just past 10:00 - and Erik won't be home.
They're wrong.
He looks at them for a moment, like he's trying to piece it all together, his brow is knit in curiosity as he regards them, and he notes that they haven't stopped holding hands.
"Is she...She doesn't look drunk," Erik states, as though there'd be no other reason for Serena to hold Chuck's hand or vice versa. Chuck lets out a soft laugh and Serena sends her elbow into his ribs. "She's not. You're...this is...You guys?"
Serena drops Chuck's hand and walks towards her brother, pushing him towards the sofa. "Don't freak out."
"He's hardly losing control, S," Chuck states. He casually sits down in the chair next to the sofa, and Serena glares at him. He just smiles back.
"Serena, this is...We're going to be related," Erik says.
"Not by blood," she tells him. "And it's not...It's been a long time coming."
"How long?" Erik asks.
"I dunno. For...ever, maybe," she says quietly. She looks over at Chuck, and he doesn't seem upset that she's just said something so obviously emotional and heavy and a little girly.
"I meant how long has this been going on," Erik says. He's smiling too, when Serena blushes and tucks her hair behind her ear.
"Just since Christmas, really," she says.
"Mom won't like it," Erik says.
"Has that ever stopped her before?" Chuck adds. Both guys laugh, and Serena lays back on the sofa with her legs over Erik's.
"What are we going to do?" she asks aloud.
"Well, you've kind of already decided that part, haven't you?" Erik notes. Chuck affectionately runs his hand over Serena's hair from where he sits. Point proven. "You're together. Or...whatever. And...Wow, this is just creepy."
She doesn't say anything. She lets the boys talk around her, but she doesn't say anything.
She's actually worried about what her mom is going to say. She's more worried about what Bart is going to say. He won't go easy on Chuck, and it scares her just a little. She starts thinking of all the things they should have thought of before they started whatever it is they're calling this.
She's laying in his arms, in his bed, and he runs his hand down her bare side. He knows she's ticklish. She knows he's trying to see if she's awake.
Truthfully, she can't even consider sleep. Her mind is full of confusion and conflict and a whole lot of other things, and she presses her lips to his chest because she wants to and for no other reason.
"What are we going to do?" she asks softly.
He hadn't even realized there was any question about it, but he can understand her position. She's the good girl, or so everyone thinks, and it would break her mother's heart to have any scandal whatsoever.
"They're back tomorrow afternoon," she adds when he doesn't say anything.
"Maybe she hasn't officially accepted his proposal," he says hopefully.
"Maybe," she whispers. "But she probably has."
"Probably," he admits. "What do you want?"
She runs her hand over his stomach and looks up at him with those navy blue eyes, and says, "I like it like this."
It's almost like she's challenging him to make the comment about her current position, naked and pressed up against him. He doesn't though, and he wonders if that's more of a surprise to her or to him.
"I do too."
"So what now?" she asks a little more urgently. "We can't...be together if they are, Chuck. It's just too much."
He knows. He hates that he does, but he knows.
"I'll move back to my suite," he offers. "We'll be discrete."
"But if they get married...When they get married..." Her voice trails, because she doesn't want to say that would be the end of she and Chuck being together.
"We'll see," he says quietly.
She pulls away from him quickly and holds the sheet to her chest, and she looks at him with a serious expression. "Don't do anything," she says pleadingly. "Please, Chuck. If they're happy..."
"If they're happy, that means we can't be?" he asks. She closes her eyes and lays back down next to him. "That's hardly fair, is it?"
"Promise me you won't do anything," she requests.
He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "I promise."
They lay like that for a while, her in his arms and him resenting his father's charm and proposal and courtship. He doesn't understand why the man is remarrying now, after all this time, and why it has to be Lily van der Woodsen, who he's known for years and years. Why all of a sudden is the woman so intriguing to him? Chuck desperately wants to do some digging and figure it all out, but he can't break his promise to Serena. He won't do it.
"Discrete," she says quietly.
She toys with the necklace at her throat and he smiles to himself. Maybe it's not ideal, but it's what they can have, so he'll take it.
He doesn't know what made him turn into this guy; the guy who'll go to any lengths to be with the girl.
He suspects it's just Serena though.
----
No one questions that Chuck isn't there when Bart and Lily return. They didn't know he'd 'moved in' in the first place. Serena tells Erik that she and Chuck realized it wouldn't have worked and called the whole thing off, and he believed her. She thinks.
They call Chuck to the room after Lily and Bart have settled a little bit, and the five of them sit and talk about the trip. Lily officially announces her acceptance of Bart's proposal, and Serena and Chuck both act like it's not the worst news they've ever heard.
Lily notices Serena's necklace - she hadn't before - and she crosses the room to get a closer look. Chuck sips scotch with his father and they talk about business ventures, and Bart is so busy looking at Lily that he doesn't notice Chuck looking at Serena.
----
She's rushing down 5th Avenue one afternoon on her way home from school. He'd offered her a ride, but after the night before, when he'd insinuated that she had become so dependent on him and his limo, she refused to get a ride back to The Palace.
But it's the middle of February, and it's fucking cold out. She's wearing a pair of brown suede boots with her school uniform and a jacket that's cut to the knee, but she's still freezing.
She ignores the limousine that pulls up alongside her as she's walking.
"Just get in, darling," Chuck pleads with the window rolled down.
"No," she says defiantly. "I will not. I'll be fine."
"It's another 15 blocks," he reminds her.
Her first thought is that it's a daunting number. "I can make it."
"Serena..."
"I'm fine!" she says with a laugh. "I'll see you there."
He shakes his head and she flashes a smile his way. They both know she's too stubborn to get in the car. "Take this," he says. He takes off his scarf and hands it out the window.
His signature, his trademark. She wraps it around her neck, covering her mouth and nose, and he winks at her before the car speeds off. It smells deliciously of cologne and something sweet that she can't put her finger on. Chocolate maybe. Caramel? Either way, her walk home isn't nearly as cold anymore. She stops for two vanilla lattés a couple blocks from their place, and she heads to his room. He just shakes his head at her. She wears his scarf for the rest of the evening, even though they're inside.
She doesn't walk home again after that. He mentions it only once, and she tells him she's proven her point. She doesn't walk home again, but she still steals his scarf any time she's cold.
----
He gets her a single carnation - a white one - for Valentine's Day.
----
She's got an empty suite to herself and after taking a half hour to enjoy the quiet, she texts him and tells him to come over. She's in just a pair of white underwear and a matching tank top when he arrives, and he can't complain about that. He wonders, very briefly, what it'd be like to live somewhere alone with her. Just the two of them. All the time.
"I thought you were doing something with Blair," he says, if only to take his mind away from those serious things. He sits down on the bed next to her and kisses her forehead.
"She and Nate are doing something. I told her I was hanging out with you," she says, shrugging her shoulder.
"I told Nate I was going to a strip club with my investment banker."
"Chuck!" she laughs. He smirks and shrugs his shoulder. He lays down as she sits up, and she runs her hand through his hair like she knows he hates. 'So styled', she'll say, like it's a bad thing. She just likes him a little undone, and he only ever lets her see that, not anyone else. She likes it that way.
"Nate will tell her and she'll know we aren't together," he notes.
She grabs her phone off the table next to the bed and dials Blair, and Chuck looks at her in confusion until he realizes that he just doesn't really care what she's doing. They've got this whole place to themselves, and she's sitting there in her underwear, and he plans on taking full advantage of it. He starts kissing her arm, from the inside of her wrist towards her elbow. She tries to shrug him off, but it just spurs him on. She's really not surprised.
"Blair! Hi...Are you still hanging out with Nate tonight?...Oh...No. No, it's okay...Chuck just ditched me for a bunch of strippers." Serena laughs, but she knows she shouldn't when Blair asks her if she's really surprised. Blair asks if Serena wants to come over and watch Roman Holiday with she and Nate. "No, I'll just hang out at home or something...Have fun." She hangs up the phone and pushes him back onto the bed, and he slips his hands beneath her shirt. "See? No problem."
He laughs a little and shakes his head. She's just lied to her best friend. "And people call you a good girl," he says. He kisses her neck and she works the buttons of his shirt.
"They clearly have no idea," she says, only partially joking.
"Absolutely not." He pulls her shirt up over her head and tosses it across the room, then flips them over so he's laying on top of her. "You're just the way I like you."
She smiles a little bit. He says sweet things differently than all the other boys. She's getting used to it. She really likes it. She takes his face in her hands and kisses him in a way that feels a little new. Softer and gentler and less urgent. Full of a couple new emotions. Affection (that's always been there) and some kind of subtle promise that neither has the nerve to speak. She knows he feels it. He doesn't say anything.
----
He knows Georgina is back in town, and he doesn't like it one bit. She's insane, and Serena won't tell him what's going on, so he knows it must be particularly bad. He knows she knows he won't judge her, and she promises that maybe she'll tell him someday, and when she calls him one night to help her get home from some bar, he tells her he's worried about her. He's concerned and he's gentle with her, and he's far more of both of those things than he usually is, and he wonders if it's because he knows she won't remember it in the morning.
She's gone when he wakes up, and when he questions her about it, she tells him she was embarrassed and didn't want him to see her that way. He didn't remind her that he's seen her at her worst; he knew it wasn't the time.
When she runs into his suite (she has her own key now) and throws herself on top of him on the bed, she's kissing him before he can ask her what's going on.
"Erik," she says simply when she pulls away. She tucks her hair behind her ear and he grins almost bashfully. "You've helped him."
"He trusts me," Chuck says. "I like Erik."
"Thank you, Chuck," she whispers against his lips.
"Hey," he says. He pushes her away just slightly and the way he's looking at her has her feeling exposed and vulnerable and it hits her that she's not as uncomfortable with all that as she used to be. "You know I'll...help you, too," he tells her seriously. "Whatever's going on with you...I can handle it. Take care of it."
She just nods her head and kisses him again.
He may not have said the actually words, but he's just told her he'll take care of her.
----
When Blair calls him frantically and tells him she needs his help immediately, he can't say no. She's worked up over something, and it sounds like a big deal.
Only Nate is in the Waldorf penthouse when Chuck arrives, and the two are on the outs since Blair decided to tell Nate the truth about her virginity. The couple is still together, though their relationship is a little strained. Neither of them has been speaking to Chuck. Whatever's going on is serious.
When he sees Serena in a crumpled mess sitting on the elevator floor, he feels a sensation in his chest that he thinks could be rage or heartbreak or...a lot of other things that would have him rushing towards her without even being told.
When he says, "You're starting to scare even me," he says it only because of the two other people in the room. The truth is he's fucking terrified, because this is his girl, and she's distraught, and there's something going on with her that she hasn't even told Blair, and he knows that is huge. Too big.
It's his three words, his trademark and the tone he says them with, that have her telling the whole sordid story.
And he's her rock through it all. Nate speaks softer, and Blair holds her hand more, but it's Chuck's quiet concern, that look in his eyes that she knows no one else will recognize, that makes her feel more at ease.
It's also he who schemes - with Blair's help - to run Georgie out of town and ensure that Serena's secret, one that isn't as bad as she thought it was, is kept relatively under wraps.
He visits her that night after she's reconciled with her mother and visited Pete's parents, and she's still got red eyes, and she's in her bed, all huddled up in blankets. She's wearing one of his shirts that anyone else would assume is Erik's.
He doesn't close the door behind him, because he isn't sure she'd want him to. She smiles at him and he walks over to sit at the edge of the bed. He catches sight of the date on the calendar, and he realizes they've been doing this whole thing for months. It's April. Months of just he and Serena, all secret, just them. There's none of Blair's judgment or their parents' harsh looks or words. Nate can't tell Serena that she should know better, and none of their classmates have gossiped. He wonders if that's why it's lasted so long.
She doesn't thank him, and he doesn't need her to. She reaches for his hand and he kisses hers like it's something far more delicate than it is.
It's Erik who walks by first. He stands in the doorway and when Chuck and Serena look at him, he just smiles like he's known the whole time, and he pulls the door closed.
Chuck lays down next to her, and she doesn't say a word. She kisses him softly because she's wanted to all day and maybe for a few days, and she feels like maybe she should apologize, but she doesn't do it.
They fall asleep together like that. Neither cares anymore if they get caught.
But they don't get caught.
----
He sees her before the wedding, because she walks into his suite in her dress, all made up and looking so damn beautiful that it renders him speechless. She strides over to him and he's still barely dressed. His shirt is unbuttoned, and his tie is hanging loose around his neck, and his jacket hangs on the hanger on the closet door. But she's kissing him and she doesn't care what he looks like.
"Serena," he says softly. He holds her at arm's length and looks her up and down. "Beautiful."
She doesn't say anything, and she doesn't want to say anything. She kisses him again, and the way he moans lets her know that if they weren't on a set schedule (Lily's wedding planner is ruthless) he'd get her out of that dress in a hurry.
"Just in case," she says breathlessly once they've parted.
She's out the door when he realizes that she's saying, Just in case we never get to do this again.
----
There are 100 people waiting around for something they have no idea is not going to happen. It's a who's who of EUS society, and Serena is glad she didn't have to walk down the aisle in front of them all. Her mother requested she just stand at the altar and wait for the ceremony. So she stands there in her yellow dress, with Bart, Chuck and Erik standing across from her, and her heart falls when her mother doesn't make her way down the aisle.
There's a moment, when everyone realizes what's happened, that Serena looks at Chuck, and he looks at her, and it's hopeful. But only for a moment. Bart looks genuinely crushed, and Chuck tends to his father while Erik and Serena go off in search of their mother.
When they find her, she's standing with Rufus Humphrey and looking at him like she's been in love with him for ages.
Serena and Erik's jaws drop when they're told she has been.
Serena asks, "what about Bart?" because not only has she grown to like Bart Bass, but she's also desperate for even that little more confirmation that the two families are really not merging.
Lily says she's going to speak to him shortly, and Serena abruptly announces that she needs a few minutes alone.
Because what does this mean for she and Chuck? Will he still want to be with her now that he really can? Was it just the danger of being caught? Maybe they were only together because he knew it could never go anywhere.
She doesn't think that's it. It's not on her part, and they've had enough conversations that she honestly doesn't think he'd do that to her. If she's being honest, she's a little scared that they can just be together. Sure, they've been doing their thing, and it's all been secret and great, but the thought of it being official has her terrified. Not because it might not work out, but because it legitimately could. She's a little scared of love. Okay, a lot scared of it.
She's sitting on the front steps of the hotel where the wedding was (supposed to be) held, and she sees Chuck walking around the corner, coming towards her. It's a Saturday and New York is busy. Some guests are still milling around, hoping to catch wind of some gossip.
Chuck just sits down next to her, but he doesn't say anything because he doesn't know what to say. He ran into Erik, who told him the whole story, and then his father went off to talk to Lily. As much as Chuck is feeling for his father, there's still a huge part of him that is happy that he might have an honest shot with this girl.
"So, they didn't get married," she says, toying with one of the ruffles of her dress.
"No," he says simply. She looks over at him, and she sees it there in whatever look it is that he's giving her. She likes that look. That look is telling her that whatever fears she has are at least a little silly, and that he wants the same things she wants.
He reaches over and takes her hand, and he doesn't care where they are. He doesn't care when Blair and Nate walk over and see the two of them, and he doesn't care when his father comes looking for him. Erik shows up, and they're all standing right there, looking at Serena looking at Chuck.
He leans over and kisses her, and she smiles against his lips, and she's so relieved to be kissing him again - though it hasn't been that long at all - that she doesn't hear Blair gasp or Bart curse. She grabs the lapel of his jacket and brings him back to her when he tries to pull away, and he murmurs something flirtatious about her missing him against her lips.
She doesn't know when it happens, but everyone else walks away, and then it's just the two of them sitting on those steps alone, his hand in her hair and her hand on his thigh.
She can't fall in love with him. She can't. He's Chuck, and she's Serena, and they're just not. It's not supposed to be them, and it never was.
...But wasn't it?
-Fin-