The Beatles Contest
Song : For No One
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A little bit of post-New Moon angst.
For No One
By jedishelly1
JACOB
Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all her words of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you
"Jake?"
I reluctantly crack an eye open in response to my dad's call.
Another morning. Great.
With a groan, I swing my legs over the side of my undersized bed and stand up. As I walk into my dad's room to help him get up and into his chair for the day, I can't help feeling a bit resentful. I mean, I love my dad, and I usually have no problem helping him out when he needs it – which isn't too often – but for the last while, getting up in the mornings has been pretty tough.
My dreams have been good the last few nights- nothing awesomely exciting, just hanging out with Bella. In the dreams, she smiles at something stupid I say or do and my heart melts. When she smiles, she looks like the Bella that first moved here from Phoenix. She looks happy. She's not an emotional wreck; she's happy when we're together. In the dreams, it's easy to pretend that Bella and I exist in a warm bubble of contentment, where there's no such thing as vampires or werewolves, and where are biggest worry is the thought of Bella moving away for college or something. The way things should have worked out, I guess. My conscious mind has figured out that it's never going to happen, but I guess my unconscious mind hasn't quite gotten that memo yet, so it's coming out in these dreams. Not that I mind. I'll take any chance I get of seeing Bella smile like that. Even if the trade-off is feeling this shitty when I wake up and realise that a dream is all I'll ever have of Bella, now he's back...
*****
BELLA
She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you
Now he's back, everything is different. It has taken me a while, but I longer dread waking up in the mornings, knowing that all I have to look forward to is another day made significant only by his continued absence. I had months of that; waking up from a night of bad sleep, peppered with nightmares, then going through the daily motions so as not to worry Charlie. Like that had worked anyway.
Now that Edward is physically a part of my life again, everything has changed. I fall asleep cradled in his cool embrace each night and I awaken every morning to the indescribable sensation of Edward's smooth lips on my cheek, my neck, my mouth... Being kissed awake by Edward Cullen is not something I want to rush, so I generally take my time in opening my eyes before smiling and pulling him closer so I can return the favour. It is a good way to start the day...
*****
JACOB
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years
I know it's stupidly naive of me, and that I'm making this even harder on myself, but I can't bring myself to avoid Bella. Of course, I lie, even to myself, that I'm only here right now because Billy needs a ride to the Swans' house to watch the game. I know that Charlie would willingly drive down to collect my dad, or even settle for watching the football on our crappy little TV set so as to make things easier on me, but I've pushed that thought aside. With all of my being, I yearn for Bella, and I need to see her. Not that it'll make any difference, of course, I know that. But I need to see her. I would give anything to see that sudden smile that has been haunting my dreams. Who knows? She's probably smiling all the time now that her bloodsucker boyfriend is back on the scene. Pathetic as it sounds, I am craving that smile so much that I might even settle for seeing Bella smile for him.
When we arrive at the house, Bella's wreck of a truck is parked in the driveway, but Charlie's car is nowhere to be seen. Fantastic. I open up my dad's chair for him and place it next to the passenger door of my car, sniffing the air as I do so. I can smell the sickly odour of vampire in the air, but it is more of a lingering scent, not fresh, certainly at least a few hours old. Cullen wasn't here with Bella, at least not right now. I don't know whether to be relieved or disappointed .
"You can leave if you want, son," my dad says, his dark eyes full of compassion. "Don't torture yourself."
I shake my head. I'm stronger than this. "It's okay," I say briefly. "I'll deal."
Billy doesn't reply. He is looking up at the now-open front door. "Bella," he says with a nod and a forced smile.
Bella nods in response to Billy's reluctant greeting. "Hi," she mumbles. I sense that she is about to greet me too, so I drop my eyes, unable to meet her gaze.
I don't say anything. Neither does Bella. It is an incredibly awkward situation, but I'm damned if I'm going to be the one to break the tension. Thankfully, my dad intervenes.
"Aren't you going to invite us in, Bella?"
I glance quickly to see her response. Unsurprisingly, she blushes, then avoiding looking in my direction, she stepped away from the door. "Uh, of course, Billy. Come in, please."
Bella moves into the living room. I move to pull my dad's chair up the steps, welcoming the distraction. Once inside, Billy wheels himself into the living room after Bella. I linger in the hallway, unsure of what I should do.
Bella is obviously as ill at ease as I am. Like she should be. "Charlie should be back any moment," she says hurriedly. "He just went to pick up some beers. Can I get you anything?"
Billy shakes his head, reaching for the remote control placed on the coffee table. "Nope, got all I need here, Bella, thanks. I'll be quite happy 'til Charlie gets back."
"Um, okay," she replies, her eyes flitting over to me nervously. "Jacob, can I get you anything?"
I shake my head in response, studying the grain of the wooden floorboards beneath my feet. "I should be going," I mutter.
"Oh," Bella whispers, and she sounds so forlorn that I can't help but look at her. Our eyes meet, and I hope she can see what this is doing to me. I search her eyes for some sign that she is feeling the same way I am, but I can't make out any emotion in them except maybe regret. I don't care how guilty she feels; she should feel that way. Billy has turned on the TV, and is pretending to watch the pre-match buildup, but I have no doubt that he is completely focused on Bella and me. I don't need an audience for my misery. I can't stand here and try to make polite small talk with the girl who has torn my heart up into little pieces. But, of course, that irresistible pull I've always felt towards Bella is still there too – I can't just walk away from her.
"D'you want to go for a walk or something?" I mutter awkwardly.
Bella's eyes widen. "I...I guess, but I... I'm still grounded, Jake," she stammers.
"I'm sure the backyard doesn't count as breaking boundaries, Bella," Billy interjects. His eyes don't even leave the TV screen, sly old man...
Bella nods, gnawing away on her bottom lip.
I merely turn and head out into the kitchen.
You want her, you need her
And yet you don't believe her when she says her love is dead
You think she needs you
Once in the backyard, I lean against the worn siding of the house and wait for Bella to say something. She sits on the old bench beside the backdoor and stares down at her hands, fidgeting with her bracelets. Neither of us speaks; I guess we're both afraid of this silence between us that is like some sick, twisted version of the comfortable lulls in the conversations we've had in the past.
I decide to man up and break the silence. "So, how's life now that Dr. Fang and family are back in town, Bella?" I say in a faux-cheerful voice.
Bella's eyes flash to mine in an instant and I can see that my words have made her angry. Good. "Don't you dare talk about them like that, Jacob Black!"
I shrug in response. "Fine. Just don't expect me to be happy for you now that you're all loved-up again, Bella."
She shakes her head. "I don't, Jake, but you were – you are – my best friend. I at least expect you to let me make my own decisions."
I roll my eyes. "I do. I have. You've made your decisions, Bella. You've chosen him, and that's that. Fine. But you can't have it both ways ; I can't be your friend when you're with him, when you want to become like him, Bella." An uncomfortable lump in my throat makes it hard to speak. "I can't do it, no matter how much it hurts me to stay away."
Bella's eyes fill with tears, and I know that I am not far from tears myself, but I have some pride left. I swallow down the lump in my throat and meet her watery gaze firmly.
"Jake, I don't know what to say to you," Bella murmurs. "The word 'sorry' doesn't even begin to explain how I feel."
"No, it doesn't," I reply, not breaking her gaze, even though a large percentage of my being wants nothing more than to pull her to me and kiss away each and every fat teardrop that is rolling down over her cheeks. "Sorry's not good enough, Bella. I...I love you, Bella. I always have."
Bella's tears intensify into actual sobs and I feel my own eyes brim over with liquid as it all comes tumbling out in spite of me – all the hurt, all the pain, the sense of betrayal... and the love...
"I'll always love you, even when you're de... like them, Bella! I mean, I was there for you for all those months when you were like – god, barely human, Bella! I remember how you used to look, like you were struggling just to hold yourself together. I remember how that started to change though... You started to smile sometimes, even to laugh. I made you do that, Bella. I was there for you, not him. I picked up the pieces . There were times when I even started to hope..." I trail off, knowing that if I keep on letting my mouth run away on me like this, I'll end up blubbering like a baby.
Bella is shaking her head slowly from side to side. "Jake..." she whispers thickly, her voice cracked with emotion. "This is killing me too, really. I...I love you too, you know that. I always will. But it's not the same."
"Not the same as the way you love him..." I murmur brokenly. Bella nods. We sit in silence for several minutes, both of us struggling to get a hold on our emotions before speaking again.
"D'you know what really gets me, Bella?" I ask her finally. It is a thought that has been nagging at me for a while now. She shakes her head, looking down at her lap again. "We could have been so good together," I say in a voice that's so low it is almost a whisper. "We could have gone all the way... a wedding, kids, creaky old rocking chairs beside a fire..." I trail off, not knowing why I'm even bothering to share this dream with her. It's obviously not one that we share.
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years
Charlie arrives home shortly after, and I take advantage of his arrival to leave. He promises to drive Billy home later, which I am grateful for. I don't think I'd be able to take seeing Bella again for a while...
*****
Sam and the other guys start getting pretty pissed with me. I don't know why though. I run my patrols like the rest of them – more often and for longer than the rest of them, too. If I choose to spend the rest of my time cooped up in my cramped room at home, well, I figure that's my business.
You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone but now he's gone
She doesn't need him
I avoid Forks as much as possible, and weeks pass without me seeing Bella again. This is fine by me. Unfortunately, I can't avoid hearing about her. Charlie tries not to mention her when I'm around, but with wolf hearing and a tiny house, it's hard to avoid overhearing him and my dad talk. Apparently, Bella and Cullen are going off to college together; somewhere Ivy League. I don't take note of the name; it's rather irrelevant when it's all just a cover-up for appearances sake anyway. I know what's really happening to Bella after graduation.
Morbid as it sounds, I've already tried to prepare myself for Bella's imminent death, because let's face it – that's what it will be. I've tried to keep busy, patrolling the woods 'til I am at a point of collapse in the hope that my sleep will be dreamless. It doesn't work.
My dreams each night are filled with images of a beautiful, damaged, smiling girl. I remember the things she said. I imagine what might have been.
I know that I will always love her.
Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be times when all the things she said will fill your head
You won't forget her
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years
*****