Right, so I haven't abandoned my other story, am going to work on a chapter for that now, but this one wanted to be written. The basic premise is that Peeta died of blood loss in the games before Katniss could think of the berries. Let me know what you think.
She relived those moments over and over again. Him falling halfway to the ground, her arms catching him and lowering him the rest of the way. His fingers toying with the end of her braid. That awful moment when he told her he loved her and she didn't know what to say in response. The taste of his lips when she pressed hers against his, not knowing what else to do. He tasted of sweat and dirt and blood. She hated it, she tasted it all the time now. Then the sound of the cannon ringing in her ears. Every loud noise she heard now took her back there, scrambling away from his body, wiping his taste from her mouth. She hated him so much for leaving her behind.
Of course, she was a little bit in love with him as well. His kisses haunted her nightmares, especially that one kiss they'd shared in the cave, the one that had made her skin burn. She'd had to relive the games for her victory interview, she'd seen the depth of his love for her. It made her feel shallow and empty. It made everyone else seem shallower still.
She had isolated herself since she'd come back. Not that she hadn't been isolated before, but now her world only comprised two people. Prim was the only good thing left in the world, the only thing worth living for. Her being alive meant that Prim had enough to eat for the first time in her life, some days that was the only thing that kept her breathing.
The other person in her life was Haymitch, although her actual contact with him was limited. But he understood her, knew the darkness in her, and didn't judge. Sometimes he would sit with her when it was bad and they'd exchange a few barbs; he'd make her see that life went on. Although sometimes when she sought him out he'd be passed out drunk and all that served for was to show her how hopeless the future was.
There were other people who existed in her life, around the periphery, her mother and Gale mostly, but she tried to ignore them as much as possible. He mother was still a black hole of negative emotions, she didn't trust the woman and kept her at arm's length.
Gale was a different issue altogether. He'd been angry when she'd come back, although he had no right to be. She'd been consumed by her grief and in no position to deal with his selfishness. They'd exchanged angry words and she had refused to see him since.
Today her world was going to expand again to encompass Effie, Cinna and her prep team. Her prep team tended to be entirely self obsessed and could be convinced to leave her alone without much difficulty. It was Effie and Cinna she was more worried about. Effie was an airhead, but she was also persistent and she could be difficult to get rid of. Cinna had been her friend, but he didn't understand the games in the way that Haymitch did. She feared his judgement.
"Katniss they're here." That was Prim, she was excited to meet everyone, she'd been sitting by the window all day waiting. Then she heard Effie's shrill voice exclaiming over how adorable Prim was.
It was Cinna who saw her first, perched at the top of the stairs, staring down at them. He pulled her into a hug. "You alright?"
She wasn't of course, she was nowhere near 'alright' but she nodded her head anyway. She let Cinna lead her downstairs and into the arms of her prep team who didn't even know enough to think to ask if she was ok. Their main concern was the state of her eyebrows and fingernails. Effie gave her a very measured look, she was probably worrying whether Katniss' mental state was going to affect her schedule.
"Alright people we have three hours before we're live. Katniss into prep now. Where's Haymitch?" Definitely worried about her schedule.
"Passed out drunk, probably." He'd been drinking heavily when she'd stopped by the night before with a squirrel and had shown no signs of stopping.
"Of course he is," Effie rolled her eyes, "I guess I'll go and get him then."
Katniss was shepherded upstairs into the bathroom by Octavia, who was most distraught over the basic level of the facilities. Cinna actually had to come in and calm her down. Katniss had to bite her tongue at this, she knew for a fact that her bathroom was the most sophisticated in the district, beating the ancient system in the mayor's house by a long way. She knew Octavia meant well, but she really was incredibly shallow.
Not as shallow as Katniss herself though. Peeta had been trying to save her and she'd thrown a tracker jacker nest on him...
By the time she came back to her senses her skin was smooth and for the most part hairless. She smelt like roses. Cinna was very concerned as he helped her into a gorgeous outfit he'd designed himself. She deflected him by complimenting him on it. She wasn't very successful though and he kept a worried eye on her as he led her back down the stairs.
She was greeted by the very surreal scene of her mother and sister sat drinking tea with her prep team. They seemed to be discussing remedies for hangovers. Prim was actually giggling.
Haymitch was standing in the corner scowling. He was clean, like he'd actually washed; his hair was straight and blonde, not the thick matted mess it normally was, and he'd shaved. He was also wearing one of Cinna's creations, she didn't know how she knew but she did. It was an understated grey suit that spoke of both wealth and class. Maybe that was how she knew, nobody else in the Capitol other than Cinna had any class.
Effie was rearranging flowers, it was clear that she'd been through and rearranged the house to suit the cameras, everything had been moved and there were ostentatious flashes of colour everywhere. Effie had no class, no one in district twelve would dress their house like this. Her wig was also askew.
"Oh Katniss, look at you. You're just perfect." Katniss now had to suffer the indignity of being passed from person to person so they could exclaim on how beautiful she was. She managed a smile for Prim though. Her mother didn't even try.
"Effie, your hair." That was Cinna, and the moment he said it her prep team burst out laughing as if a great secret had been spilled.
Effie's fingers flew up to her wig, an awful green monstrosity, and she gasped. "Honestly Haymitch do you not have any manners at all?" She left the flowers and ran off up the stairs. This made everybody laugh more. Katniss could see that it was funny, but it just seemed kind of cruel to her. She hadn't been finding humour in anything lately though.
When Effie came back down with her wig perfectly straight she summoned Katniss into the office to go through the questions Caesar would be asking her. She tried to pay attention but the material was so dry and she knew that Caesar would help her through the interview so she wasn't really worried. Instead she paid attention to Haymitch who had followed them into the office. He looked a bit sheepish and had put his hand on Effie's arm as he led her to the chair. He hadn't removed it yet, neither of them seemed to have noticed, and his thumb had started tracing circles on her skin. Was this his way of apologising?
The room lapsed into silence before Katniss realised she had been asked a question. "What?"
"Katniss are you not listening at all? You'll be live in fifteen minutes."
"Eff, give the girl a break, you know Caesar's got this."
"Haymitch! This is an important interview, she needs to be prepared."
"Give her the cards and let her prepare herself then."
Effie narrowed her eyes at Haymitch. The thumb which had been circling her skin was now pressing into it and his knuckles were going white.
"Ok. Katniss just make sure you read through them all, it's important you are prepared." Haymitch's grip on Effie's arm had released and his thumb was rubbing across the mark he'd left. Effie got up from the chair to leave, Haymitch's fingers trailed the length of her arm as she did, their fingers tangling for an instant. Then they were both gone.
Katniss sat in her chair and didn't glance at the cards once. Instead she traced circles on her own skin and wondered.
They came back to her when it was time to go on air, placed her on the sofa in the overdressed sitting room and left her. She could still see them standing in the doorway, and kept her eyes on Prim until Caesar started talking to her.
His questions were innocuous and she answered them easily, feeling mildly irritated at Effie's unnecessary fussing. How was she doing? How had her life changed since becoming a victor? What was life in victor's village like? Then Caesar asked how she was coping without Peeta. She shook her head and dug her fingernails into her palms to try and stop the tears she could feel burning her eyes. It was no use though, they fell anyway.
When she came back to her senses she was sat in a chair in the dining cart of the train, speeding away from district twelve. The door to the carriage wasn't properly closed and she could hear Effie and Haymitch in the corridor.
"Being prepared wouldn't have helped Eff, she can't talk about him, she can't even think about him, every time she does she ends up like this."
There was a silence that stretched for a few seconds before Effie replied. "They're going talk about him at every district, you know that. It's all they want to talk about. How are we going to get her through this?"
"I don't know. All we can really do is be there when she needs us. I'm going to need you to ration the booze again."
"Yeah I guessed that. You need to talk to Cinna, he's really worried about her. I'll sit with her until you come back."
Effie came into the carriage and headed straight for the drinks section, pouring herself a hot drink from one of the machines. "Did you want a drink Katniss?"
Katniss considered this, she felt drained and exhausted, something hot would definitely help. "Is there hot chocolate?"
"Oh, you're back with us. Yes there's hot chocolate." A few more button presses and Effie was carrying two steaming mugs over to the table. She put them down on the table and took the seat next to Katniss.
Katniss took a large mouthful of the hot chocolate, savouring the taste and the warmth it spread through her. She remembered drinking this with Peeta, how much he'd enjoyed it. The tears that pricked at her eyes this time didn't burn, they almost felt like a release.
She blinked them away, but not before Effie noticed. "Oh, Katniss." Effie reached over and took her hand, lacing their fingers together. They sat together in silence, sipping at their drinks until Haymitch came back with Cinna in tow.
The four of them spent the evening sat together, Effie and Cinna relaying stories of the outrageous things that had been happening in the Capitol to make her and Haymitch laugh. As she went to bed she considered that maybe she was willing to let her world expand slightly to encompass Effie and Cinna.