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"You know, for somebody that always deeply hated deadlines, this is an ironic way to die." I say, forcing myself to look at James' watery hazel eyes, instead of the blinking red clock. "I actually thought I had escaped them when I chose to be a teacher you know… we're usually the ones giving deadlines, not keeping them" I chuckle a little histerically, just hoping I get to see his smile one last time.
But of course it doesn't work. All that my bad joke does is make a lonely tear stream down his cheek, and that hurts worse than the way my wrists are tied behind my back, because he always at least laughs at how bad my attempts at joking are.
In fact, no matter how awful the circumstances he is always smiling, even if it is just with his eyes. Its annoying really. James can magically control anything digital with his mind, he has amazing ninja skills that no nerd should be entitled to and he makes the best guacamole on earth, but his optimism? That's his true super-power. No matter how many villains come after "The Mainframe"- which is the worse hero name ever, I KNOW, but I wasn't a part of the naming process - or how many times they got close to discovering his secret identity. Actually, even when he insisted on spending the day choosing dresses for my bridesmaids - no doubt the most painful activity for a man that literally doesn't understand the difference between beige and white - his beautiful optimism never wavered. I really wish I had more time to learn it from him.
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But time is a bitch worse than PMS and there is nothing to be done about it.
"1 year okay?" I whisper.
"What?" James seems to jump out of his daze and his eyes start jumping wildly around the room in a more desperate version of a look I had only seen whenever he tried to solve a very hard puzzle.
"You get to mourn me for 1 year, max. After that you have to promise me you'll move on James… And not a second before either, I don't think my ghost ego will be able to take that." I beg him. And his eyes finally stop dead on mine, with a fierceness that is completely new to me. James is a lot of things, but serious is not one of them.
"You are not dying today!" his voice is unrecognizable to me, and that is what finally makes my eyes go misty with tears of hate.
Dying before my time is bad enough, but how DARE The Architect take the gentleness away from his voice? Away from me?
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James' glove covered hand inches towards the digital clock, and his intentions become clear to me.
"NO!" my scream is so involuntary I even scare myself. "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK do you think you're doing JAMES?" the words echo inside the empty wear house. His hand stops in the air, but his gaze doesn't change.
"I'm taking you home." he answers in a dead, decisive tone he has never directed at me before.
"No, you're not!" A very distant part of my mind finds it funny that I'm the one with passion behind my words today. He's usually the one to do that. "Did you just forget that if you disarm this clock the others go off? 12 other bombs around the city James! You need to leave!"
His eyes don't even move from mine to the wires that connect my body to the clock, and from the clock to the energy generator that will discharge and burn me from the inside out in…
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"I'm taking you HOME Marissa!" He said with a little more anger behind the words. His hand shaking a little, but not moving from its spot.
"12 bombs that the city can't survive James! Why are we even discussing this?" I reply a little louder.
"Because I don't CARE about the city!" the hand previously hovering mid-air is suddenly trying to remove his soft brown curls from his head as he turns his back on me breathing heavy.
"Now, I HOPE that's not true, otherwise you just spent the last 10 years waisting your life trying to protect it." I tease him, to make sure that he turns and faces me again.
But he doesn't, he just keeps breathing and looking at the door. And I miss him, even this altered, desperate version of my husband is still my refuge. My home. And maybe it is better if he keeps looking away for a while. Maybe he will loose track of time and wont be able to save me in time. But I just can't do this alone. And I can't die without trying to console him first.
"The Architect wanted you to pick me James. She wanted to beat you even after she was dead. You can't out-think her honey, her plans always work. But you can choose not to let her break you. You CAN make the right choice." I say in a gentler voice, praying that God will help me out with the wisdom to find the perfect words.
"How is this not breaking me Marissa?" he whispers, takes a deep breath and turns to me again. "How is letting you die in front of me the right choice?" the tears thickening his voice give my own permission to stream down my face.
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"Okay, so maybe break is not the right word." I say looking down at my lap for a second. But seconds are too precious to waist with silence right now. So I look up again. "But he doesn't get to erase you James!" a questioning look crosses his features.
"Maybe we are meant to be broken by life every once in a while. Maybe that's only another opportunity to grow and glue ourselves back together again… or update our form…" His mouth opens to reply but I silence him with a look. "My… death will break you darling, but when you glue yourself back together, you'll still be you." I stop to take control of my breathing.
Because right when I say that, flashes of him flood my mind, reminding me of what I am about to loose. I can see his cheeky grin when he saw me walk down the aisle. I hear his roaring laughter at the crazy stories I tell him about my students. I see the gentleness and the fear he showed me when he finally told me who he really was. I remember our wedding night, almost 3 years ago, and yet so vivid and colorful in my brain that I have to shove it away, otherwise I might let The Architect erase me too. Taking a deep breath my body prepares itself for what I am about to say next:
"But if you end every life in our city my love… if you make me a part of mass murder just because you don't want to loose me… you will also let the man I married be erased, and she wins. AGAIN!" blistering anger at this entire situation makes every word a punch, and James takes a step back from the force of it, but still looks too uncertain so I push the final hit. "You are NOT a coward James Smith and I WILL leave you if you decide to be one!"
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His silence is deafening, and as I see the uncertainty play around with his expression I know this decision of mine is more selfish than it sounds. Deep down, as despicable as the destruction of a city is, what is really keeping me firm is the unwavering fear that I might loose the love of my life forever. And grieve him, even if his heart still beats. I don't think I could ever forgive him for changing that much, or me, for not being able to convince him otherwise.
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A heart shattering sob finally breaks the stillness of the room and I get to watch James falling to his knees in utter defeat. Overtaken by emotional pain that his body can't remedy, his muscles give out and he has to brace himself on the floor leaning on open palms connected to trembling arms, head bowed, shoulders slumped. Right then, I am once more divided, but now between disarming relief and mind-blowing regret. He won't do it, he won't save me.
I'm so thankful. I'm so scared.
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"One year, don't forget okay? I'll haunt you if you start getting over me any later, and I'll haunt your girlfriend if its any earlier okay?" my voice is not even trying to be funny anymore. I just want to talk to him. I wanna help him even knowing that I can't. "And its okay if you're angry, just give our wedding china to my mom before you start smashing down the house." Thinking of my mom makes my brain stop working. How could I do this to her? How is it that letting myself be blown up is the right thing to do if it will hurt my family so much?
One of the underrated features marriage provides is an almost mystical understanding of your partner's thoughts, and James has always been an expert on reading mine. So he raises up a hand and wipes his tears with the back of it. Then he sits back on his heals and directs his gaze at me.
"Your mom hated our wedding china darling." His face is still the definition of sadness. But his deep voice carries a faint undertone of his usual charm, and I thank God for this man He has given me. James grimaces a little as he gets up on his feet and walks towards me.
"I know, that's the point!" My mouth curls in what I hope is a devious grin.
"What if I don't want to suffer the rage of my mother in law over plates Mari?" he says with a playful voice, but his hand reaches my face lighter and softer than any cloud.
"I think the great Mainframe can take the rage of a short Hispanic woman darling" I chuckle a little looking deep into his eyes.
"I couldn't save you." He says sadly, taking his eyes away from mine.
"Hey," I wait for him do bring his gaze back around to me "you can't save everybody James." My sad smile starts to match his. "And, like I told you, its okay if you're angry at me after this. Blame me if it will make it easier. I don't mind" I shrug.
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"I do." He said surprising the words out of me. "I blame you for making me stop playing LOL every Sunday, I blame you for making me get a life beyond a D&D character sheet. I blame you for introducing me to the world of romantic comedies," my laugh is genuine, of a little short. "I blame you for reminding me how damn good ice cream can be and for saying yes to our first date." His voice started to break. "I blame you for looking so beautiful right before you have to leave for work and for making me laugh at your bad jokes. I blame you for being so supportive of my alter-ego, and I want you to know that any self improvement I may have shown since we've met, is completely your fault." All the composure he was showing only seconds ago was shattered.
"James…" was all I could say before he silenced me with a finger above my lips.
"I hate you for making me so sure of how much I love you and I blame you for giving me something other than us to live for!" his hand tucked a curly strand of my dirty black hair behind my ear. "Because all I want right now is to pull a Romeo die with you. And I would, if I didn't know that you would hate me for that, and probably send me to hell just so you wouldn't see my face ever again." He lightly brushes my lips.
"But hating you is useless, so I'll promise you something instead." He kneels in front of me like he did the night he proposed.
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"I think we've done all the promising 3 years ago honey" I choke out, while he reaches behind my chair and pulls my engagement ring off my bound hand.
"Yes, but those vows are only binding till death do us part, and seeing as the is about to happen in less than 10 seconds I think we deserve some more." He raises the small ring right between us and takes a deep breath. "I promise to take exactly one year to start living again. No more no less" He smiles kindly at me.
"Thank you"
"I'm not done!" he replies, his smile turning more grin-like. "I also promise no to forget you. Ever. I promise to never stop loving you. Ever…"
"James…" I whisper in a half- hearted attempt of stopping him. But he doesn't even take notice.
"But most importantly, I promise, that no matter what I do, or who I am with, I will always do my best to be a man that you could love, and to not let anybody erase me!" he puts my engagement ring on his pinkie finger and kisses me deeply.
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After what I can only describe as the most infinite short kiss of all time, he pull his lips from mine and rests our foreheads against each other. Our breathing matches and I keep my eyes closed, as to not let the moment escape.
And that is when it finally happens. My life finally flashes before my eyes. From my first bike fall to my first boyfriend. My parent's smile, my friends' birthday parties, the chocolate cake James and I have in be the morning after our wedding night… all my mistakes, all my failures and victories. Even the fantasies I had for a future that would never come.
But that was okay, because it was worth it. Somebody else would have that future because of us. And I wouldn't be forgotten by the one that mattered the most.
So when the clock announced 3 seconds remaining and he had to get up and take a step back from me to get away from the massive electric current we could hear gathering on the generator. I opened my eyes and I wasn't afraid. I wasn't alone. And he would be okay.
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He would remember me.
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He promised.
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I smile, as the world turned white.