I've read many of the more hateful parodies out on this site about this story, but they, in my opinion, are not that funny. When practically illuminating the fact that you hate the story, you forget to try to be funny and end up just exploiting the weaknesses. I may not think it's a work of art, but seriously, if you want to make fun of something-at least read the books before calling it crap.
My goal here was to make fun of the story, whist exposing weaknesses as well. Hopefully there will be more of these. Hopefully.
And should it be known, I would be teaming on Jacob's side.
Disclaimer- I do not own this story. This is just one of my many attempt to make someone laugh.
Once upon a time there was a young, ordinary girl not named Stephanie Meyer, but Bella Swan (Isabella- My God is vow; Swan- a pretty white bird what swims on water). As one could tell by her name, she was anything and everything but an ironic Mary Sue.
Despite only being a high school student, she was extremely mature for her age. Being mature, she could not handle the thought of her mothering marrying and being happy with someone aside from her and decided to go live with her father in Forks Washington. She is soon welcomed by her old friend, Jacob black, the only character who posses a personality.
"Hey Bella," Jacob said earnestly, "you look nice today."
"Hmm, huh?" Bella turned and stared blankly at Jacob. "I'm sorry, I was to busy staring that tree over there…"
Within stepping foot on the foreign land, hundred upon thousands of male characters found themselves attracted to Bella, because she was just so normal. After five minutes walking around the school, it was decided that she was one of the more popular girls, and that she already had a tone of friends. Because that's realistic.
During lunch she found herself being informally introduced to the town's albinos, the Cullen's. She learns that they don't hang around with other people, that they never show up on sunny days, and that they are incapable of acting and physical expression. One member, named Edward, stands above the rest. He is perfect in every way, being both gorgeous and sexy on every level possible. Even his stoic expression stood above the rest.
"You see the painful look on Jasper's face," a girl said to Bella.
"Yeah," Bella said.
"That's the look every intelligible person in the theatre is making right now," she said.
"Wow," Bella said, impressed.
Bella enters her science class to see that Edward, one of the Cullen's, is to be her lab partner. It is here where she bonds with the young man.
"Hi, I'm Bella," Bella said, not looking directly at Edward since such an act was forbidden in this story. Either that or she was autistic…
Edward then bursts out the room, looking frustrated as ever.
They bonded quite a bit.
We fast-forward to the part of the story where Bella and Edward confess their love for each other. One might ask when and where they happened to fall in love with each other, but after hours and hours of very fragile research, the author has yet to come up with the exact page number containing the exact reason.
"I can't how I can read everyone else's mind but yours," Edward said in a frustrated tone. "It's like there's nothing for me to read in there…"
"Uhm, yeah…sure," Bella said.
"My god you smell so good," Edward proclaimed. He then buried his head into Bella's hair and took a sniff. A long sniff. A really awkward sniff.
Bella pulled her Ax spray can and threw it away. She frowned in dismay. "The commercials lied dammit!"
Oh yeah, so Bella does some research on Wikipedia, and the information was vague enough for her to approach Edward blah blah blah and she figures out he is a vampire. Nothing special…
Something about Jacob too…
So they go out into a beautiful meadow that somehow managed to thrive within a stare that rains half the time. It is here where we see just how much these two were made for each other.
"I love how your skin sparkles," Bella said.
"Why's that?"
"Makes me feel less contentious about mine," Bella said stupidly.
"You know what love about you," Edward said.
"What?"
"Your two front teeth," Edward said blandly. "They're so big and out there, they make for a good mirror when I feel like looking at my reflection."
Bella giggled.
"Oh you…"
Then, one day, some really bad shit happens. Bella soon finds herself in a situation so horrific, that the very thought of it brought a sensation of overbearing anxiety to everyone who thought of it.
That's right; Edward in a baseball uniform.
And soon after that some killer vampires came and decided to go chase after Bella, because they obviously had nothing to do.
"Oh, you brought a snack," killer vampire number one said with a deadly smirk.
"Hey," Edward said in a stern tone, "nobody talks about my Bells like that." He paused for a moment. "Ok…well, everybody except Alice."
"Hey, I wasn't suggesting anything aside from what it sounded," he said. "I just wanna eat her….up."
Jasper giggled.
"Just want to suck her……blood, from her neck and nowhere else," he said.
Emmet looked away, trying not to laugh himself silly, lest he be caught out of character.
"Want to make her moan….in pain," he concluded.
"Well," Edward said, "that's all you better be suggesting. I won't have you thinking of her like that!"
So everyone literally went all over the world, trying to distract Vampire killer number one and saving Bella from being bitten. Many would have considered this a waste of time, since Edward could have easily bitten her, turning her in to a vampire and saving millions of trees in the process. But he didn't. Why? Well…
"Why won't you turn me into a vampire," Bella whined.
"Because if I do you will become a MONSTER," Edward proclaimed. He looked away from Bella, having almost made eye contact with her, and then began holding himself. "I could never do such a thing!"
"But I want to be come a vampire," Bella said.
"No you don't," Edward said, "it's horrible. Everybody looks at you and thinks you're beautiful. And think about it Bella; you'll never get old. You'll never know what it's like to have to pay taxes, or go to jury duty! And you'll never have another period again!" He cried a bit. "I couldn't stand for it…."
"…you're an idiot," Bella said, "You know that right?"
"Skin of a murderer!" Edward continued on.
"…"
"I just want you to grow old and be happy," Edward said. "I can totally dig it too; I've always thought mummies were kind of cool…"
"Jacobs starting to sound like a real possibility now," Bella muttered disdainfully, taking a step back from Edward as she did.
So then James captures Bella by lying about her mother being held hostage. Bella falls for this trick faster than Harry did in the fifth book and thus finds herself getting pummeled by a vampire. Eventually Edward and the others find her and kill James by lighting a non-conspicuous fire in the building and burning him alive. Nobody hears his screams, nor do they smell the rancid scent of burning flesh.
However, Bella was bitten by James. Edward finds himself in a very contemplating situation. Because he loves Steph-I mean Bella, and wanted her to live a long life; he doesn't want her to become a vampire. But he doesn't trust himself to suck the blood for some reason, thinking he lacks the control to. In my opinion, this is just the guys way of saying he isn't committed enough.
"That asshole," Edward said in anger, "he said he was going to suck her on the neck!"
"Uhm, Edward," Alice said, "I think we have bigger problems than that…."
"Like what," Edward asked.
Alice pointed to the screaming, twitching body that was Bella. If it weren't for the fact the movie was a romance drama, this would be hilarious.
"Oh…right," Edward said.
"Look," Carlisle said, "you need to suck the blood out of her. Otherwise she'll become a vampire…"
"Really," Edward asked nervously.
"Yes," Carlisle said, "either that…or she'll die. I'm not entirely sure…"
"hmm…."
"Why don't; we let her become a vampire," Alice asked. "I mean, seriously, everybody knows it's going to happen. Why waste a rainforest for three more books when we can get this over with now?"
"Doesn't anybody want to know how I feel about this," Bella asked in obvious pain.
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Edward said, placing a white finger on Bella's lips. He stared at her intently, but managing to keep his eyes from locking with her. "Don't speak…you're injured."*
"Ugh…" Alice said.
"Tell me about it," Carlisle muttered.
In the end Bella lives and she retains her humanity. A billion trees are cute done to make the next book, and Bella goes to her prom in a cast. For some reason Charlie doesn't send Bella back game or at least bring the belt out, and let her have fun with a guy he didn't particularly like. And Jacob attempted to woo Bella some more in hopes she falls for him and his actual personality.
"Hey Bella," Jacob said. "I brought you some flowers, chocolate, and a rare gem from Africa."
"Wow, there sure are a lot of tress in Forks," Bella said, not paying attention.
"Look Bella," Jacob said. "You should probably stay from Edward. He's-"
"Edward? Did you just say Edward? That reminds me, we haven't talked to each other in ten minutes," Bella said suddenly.
"…"
So they got to the prom and live happily ever after.
"Please turn me into a vampire," Bella asked.
"No," Edward said.
"Please," Bella asked.
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"Soy no comprende English," Edward said.
"Oh Edward," Bella said, "I love it when you speak in random languages."
"I love you too Bella," Edward muttered in his flat toned voice.
And they danced the night away.
Review, and if you please, suggest whether a sequel should be included.
The sentence with the asterisk belongs to HISHE.