Disclaimer: Dont own pandora hearts god dammit!!!! oops...* covers mouth with hand and looks arounf wide eyed* sorry god...pfft...
also note this is a work of bordom and obsession R&R peeps
Summary(ish)- After their first encounter with zwei Raven can't stop thinking about what Oz had said, was he really that close to just throwing his life away? How had he gotten to that point? And the only thing left for him to do was find out how to save him.
I want you Forever
They walked through the market in silence the question burning Raven's throat as he sent covert glances at his master. Every once and a while those green eyes would meet his and an obviously fake smile would be forced onto those lips each one sending a flash of fury through Gilbert until he was burning with anger, the pain of helplessness eating away at his chest. All he had ever wanted was for Oz to give him the real smile he knew he had. The blonde darted ahead of Raven following Alice as she be-lined straight for the meat stand.
"Alice! Alice wait for us!" he cried as he chased her through groups of people trying his very best to not disturb the Saturday shoppers. Rubbing his temple in irritation the raven haired man followed his younger cohorts being civil to most of the people he bumped into. He walked quickly up between oz and Alice grabbing each teen by the wrist.
"Remember the reason we came here today Stupid Rabbit!" he said dragging both of them away from the meat stand towards more of the fruit and other fresh produce. "Lady Sharon wanted some vegetables to help her with dinner tonight."
Alice rolled her eyes and yanked her hand out of the man's grasp "So who care about that it's not like it's out of the way, Hmph! Right Oz."
Gilbert Froze and looked down at the Bezarius heir (who still hadn't released his hand.) The blonde boy looked up as if he'd been shaken from his own personal thoughts, "R-right." He agreed smiling the sheer fakeness of the forced grimace making Gil's stomach turn. "But Gil has a point we were sent on a task by Lady Sharon, we should buy meat on our own time."
Alice looked rather put out but conceded and within a few minutes they had purchased everything Lady Sharon had requested.
Almost as soon as they returned Alice disappeared upstairs avoiding break as she did so. (It was well known that Alice was not fond of the hatter) Gilbert placed the bagged items on the table in front of the Blonde lady bowing politely to her nodding curtly to break.
"How was the market today? Busy?" the silver haired man asked leaning in way to close for gilberts comfort. Placing a hand on the other's chest as a warning gesture he gently pushed responding tonelessly to the question asked. "It was rather empty for a Saturday morning."
Xerxes smiled and stepped away with a little bit too much enthusiasm to be real, "Well that's interesting." He turned to the lady looking like a lost puppy as he engaged himself in a conversation with his benefactor completely forgetting (or ignoring) Oz and Gil. Letting out a sigh of relief the raven haired man turned to his young master letting a lazy smile slip onto his lips. Instead of cheery green eyes and a playful smirk Gil once again found himself staring into dull lackluster orbs a faux smile painted onto pale lips.
"Oz?" the name slipped out unsteady and feeble as he instinctively reached out a hand towards his master, he knew something was off this sullen behavior of his so unlike the oz he had known. What had happened to his master to make him change so drastically? An answer came into his head and his gaze darkened.
"I'll be in my room if you need me Gil." The soft voice broke him from his trance and he stood frozen a moment before he followed the retreating blonde figure up the stairs.
"Oz!"
The Bezarius heir gripped the handle of his door and pushed it open glancing bleakly over his shoulder at his manservant before pushing his way into his private quarters. He turned to close the door but found that Gilbert stood in his way.
"Move." His tone was so empty and soft it took the raven haired man a moment to realize it was a command.
Gold eyes narrowed defiantly and he made it clear he was not going to be deterred. Slipping fully into the room he closed and locked the wooden door behind him staring forlornly at his master.
"Gil I—"
The raven-haired man held his index finger up to his lips signaling he didn't want Oz to speak; instead he made his way silently to the boy's bed patting a space beside him motioning for him to sit.
He lowered his golden gaze to the floor sitting with one leg tucked underneath him as he held all his weight on one arm the other folded defensively across his chest , "There has been something that has been on my mind since the first time we fought zwei." He admitted rather hesitantly.
Oz paled a bit his green eyes widening a subtle look of fear etched into his delicate features, "Go on." He managed to say swallowing hard trying to keep his emotions in check.
"A-are you—d-do you really mean it?" he peeked up at oz through his wavy raven colored bangs shame heating his cheeks
Oz looked puzzled now scanning his memories wondering what Gil could be talking about, " Just say it straight out." He said softly, tonelessly.
Gold eyes widened as pain shot through him at his master's indifference, but he obliged blurting out the question like one word, "Are you really so miserable that you'd want to die?"
He felt Oz stiffen next to him. Lifting his head he looked up at the blonde boy the expression on his face unreadable for the briefest of moments before he broke out into a brilliant smile, which was almost believable—almost. The anger tore at his chest and he couldn't take it, he hated the forced smiles that left once vibrant green eyes so cold and lifeless. He placed his hand on Oz's shoulders pushing him down onto the bed "Don't lie if you're hurting!" he cried. "Don't force a smile when you're in so much pain! I don't care if you don't want to hurt me I don't care if you do hurt me just tell me what's bothering you! I'm your servant for a reason and if you just keep pushing me away how can I help you?" his voice softened as he neared the end nearly breaking with emotional strain as his watery gold eyes met shocked green ones.
Oz smiled and Gilbert clenched his teeth his grip on the boy's shoulder tightening marginally, "There's nothing wrong Gilbert." He said before any words could escape the raven haired man's lips.
Gil felt a soft, yet cold hand on his cheek and looked up gasping in surprise, "Oz—"
The cold fingers moved to his lips, his own hand wrapping the smaller, colder digits and bringing them to his chest in a tender act, one that he saved specifically for his master. Dropping his gaze he brought the small hand to his lips kissing it gently as he lowered his lips to Oz's ear "Tell me—"
"I'm fine—Nothings wrong—!" Gil could hear the strain in his master's voice now and he felt himself trembling. No, he wasn't trembling, Oz was.
Pain stabbed at Gil as he laced his fingers through Oz's kissing his jaw line tenderly whispering in his ear again, "I'm here. I can't help unless you let me in."
"…no…I can't…I can't…"
Gil shivered at his master's cold tone but he refused to back down burying his face into the boy's neck. His free hand finding the blonde's other hand bringing him to his elbows their bodies almost flush against one another. He gently un curled Oz's clenched hand and mimicked his other hand holding on to the boy for dear life lest he try to pull away and hide himself.
"You can…" Gil whispered brushing his lips across the soft cool skin of Oz's neck pouring all he was feeling into the simple, gentle gesture.
Oz gasped for breath trembling from all the pent up emotion in his body. To Gil the tremors from his master seemed to become his as he continued to cover the smaller body like a blanket as silence filled the air as he continued to place gentle reassuring kisses on his master's neck jaw and cheek simply waiting for the teen to speak. Moments turned into minutes and minutes seemed to drag on into hours until oz spoke. His voice was low and fearful, so soft Gilbert almost missed the five words that slipped from his master's mouth.
"I wish I was dead."
Icy fear gripped Gilbert's heart yanking it viciously a startled gasp escaping his lips as he suppressed the whimper of pain that he was sure to follow such pain. At this point the only thing he could say or rather ask was not "Why?" or "How can I help?" but "is it my fault?"
Oz's disentangled his hand from Gil's slack one and slid it under his manservant's chin forcing him to look at him. For a moment the ice melted for a single moment as oz smiled a real smile, albeit it was pained but it wasn't forced.
"It never could be." He whispered gently waiting for the words to sink in.
"But—"Gil protested but oz interrupted him.
"You've only ever done all I've asked of you and more…you've forgiven me…" his hand dipped to The man's chest tracing gently where he knew a scar would be, "for something I would never have."
"Oz..."
"Shush." He whispered placing his warmed finger against Gil's lips, "I'm not done." He waited a moment staring in to mesmerizing gold eyes before continuing, "You've devoted you're entire life to me, proving the truth in your "absolute" time and time again. And above all you loved me… no matter what happened you where always there…even though we both know… I'm not worth it…"
Gil hissed through clenched teeth, "That's not true!"
"Yes it is," Oz repeated calmly despite the painful grip Gil had on his other hand. Lifting his free hand the blonde caressed the older man's cheek," think of all the pain you've suffered through, almost dying, ten years of agony because I wasn't strong enough to get back to you…every time I do something I can see the ark of my mistakes clearly etched into your skin…"
"Wha—what?" What was this nonsense he was prattling on about? Why did it feel as if his touch with reality was fading along with the vulnerable boy beneath him?
"I'm not worth it Gilbert, I don't deserve any of the love you give me…you should have killed me back at that mansion." Oz's voice was twisting taking on different characteristics that weren't Oz and for the first time fear ran through Gil like a blaze of fire.
Silence reigned prominent an unfamiliar sensation filling the raven haired man, one he hadn't felt since he was a child. Something wet slipped down his cheek dripping onto Oz's face with a soft popping noise causing both to look up startled.
"G—il?" the blonde boy brought his hand up to touch the wet spot in surprise his green eyes peering up into the Gilbert's face with worry.
"How could…" the raven haired man's voice broke his shoulders shaking with each soft sob that Ran through his body his free hand curling up into a fist around the sheet beneath it. "How could you—!"
Oz smiled sadly expecting the worse, expecting to hear words of hurt and betrayal about how he was right and his life was worthless…
"How could you think that I would ever stop loving you over something so trivial!?" he was yelling now and he didn't even allow his master to speak, "never—I could never—I love—!" He stopped abruptly looking down at his master with wide gold eyes and wet cheeks sniffling a bit as he lowered his head once again at the look of horror in Oz's face.
"Don't Gilbert…" his voice was pleading now
"I love you." He whispered under his breath feeling the tension in the smaller body beneath him as he stiffened sucking air in between his teeth
"No." his voice was hard "That's a lie."
Gold eye flashed and the emotions he was feeling , the pain, the anger, the incomprehensible love, the intense need to have Oz by his side forever…these were not things he could possibly put into words. He barely took time to think as he pressed his lips fiercely against smaller ones pouring all that he could not Say into one single kiss, one kiss that he feared would be rejected. That however didn't matter now, not when so much more was on the line, his pride could take the hit in the end, in fact it would he was sure of it.
He pulled away resting his head to the side forehead against the cool comforter material his face in the crook of Oz's neck as he took in all that was Oz. "I'm sorry…" he whispered but the next thing he knew those small cold lips where at his ear, "Look at me Gilbert."
Slowly the dark haired man lifted his hand unflinchingly meeting wary green orbs.
"What if I reject you?"
"Your choice; just know it would hurt me more if you decided to take your life than it would if you shot me in the chest."
The intensity in those words scared even Gilbert; the conviction with which he had said them sent chills down the smaller male's spine as he gasped audibly.
Suddenly a pair of small lips crashed into his with surprising force, small cold fingers weaving their way through his hair tugging lightly
Gil pulled back surprise etched into his features, "Don't –"
"Unless I mean it?"
Gold eyes clouded with unease, "Do you?" he asked softly
"I love you Gilbert Nightray." He whispered against Gil's Lips a soft smile gracing his lips and without looking Gilbert knew it was genuine. However one thing was still nagging him in the back of his mind.
"Is it strong enough to keep you here?"
The smile widened as the blonde pressed his lips more gently into the older male's giving him the answer he needed, "I'll stay as long as you'll have me." He whispered
Gil smirked and this time he lowered his head to meet Oz's lips, "Forever." he whispered into the kiss, "I want you forever."
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