A New Beginning
By The Chichi Slaughter House
Warnings: SPOILERS for 4x13: Journey's End, POV piece, Doctor/Rose, het, first time doing Doctor Who etc
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, nor any of the characters. The BBC has a tight reign on that.
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He had always wanted to give her part of himself.
It was cold, there, on that beach. The sun was behind the clouds, and the wind was blowing much like it had done the last time he had seen her there. Her hair was waving in the breeze like corn on a field, and the destroyed expression on her face was one that filled him with sorrow and guilt. She didn't want to be here, and she voiced that fact as she moved back up to him, eyes searching his.
But she had to stay. There was no other way around it. He had to leave her behind, again. And he had to hope that it would be the last time they would see each other.
Not because he didn't want to – but because if they met again, it would mean that everything was in danger. And he didn't want that, not even if it meant seeing her.
Yet she didn't want him to leave without an answer. And his throat closed up when she stared at him and demanded to know. And he wanted to say it. Wanted to tell her those three words he had wanted to tell her all along. But he just couldn't. His alternate self, however, could.
Watching himself lean down and whisper those three small words into her ear, he felt his hearts breaking.
He couldn't say them because they hurt. Because he had to let his other self utter them, and let him make her happy.
Something he couldn't do.
Something he would never be able to do, for so many reasons.
He wanted to say them himself; wanted to sweep her up into his arms and kiss her.
But he couldn't.
The life she needed – no, the life she deserved – was one he could never give her. Helping her to live a peaceful life where the next worry was whether there was enough milk for a cup of tea, or if there was enough change to get some chips. Not one where her life was constantly at risk, where she could be murdered at any time without a soul knowing.
And even if she survived, he could not do it.
He could not watch her age before his eyes and slowly die whilst he himself rarely aged and lived on healthily. One day it would be all too much for her, and she would end up dying in a way that was not suited to her. And he just…refused to let that happen to her, the woman he loved so much.
That was why he had given her himself.
His alternate self, who could give her everything, and so much more. No more danger, no more struggling. A house; a life, a family…like they had discussed before. When they were on that planet orbiting the black hole. She'd mentioned something about sharing a mortgage…and he had seen the look in her eyes which had told him all he needed to know.
She had wanted to stay with him forever.
But now she could have that.
When their lips met, he couldn't take it. Turning quickly, he dashed into the TARDIS, Donna in tow, and hurriedly began flying back to her world. He couldn't stay another second, watching her and him. He'd tried so hard to convince her that he was the same, but he was also trying to convince himself.
He had thought he could leave her with him, without worry. And he could; but it hurt more than anything ever before.
He knew she would be happy, but that was the problem. She was going to be happy, but without him.
But as Donna started talking faster, he knew he didn't have time to mourn.
He never had that time.
He just got on with it.