The Funeral

Head down, eyes fixated on the ground at her feet, Penny barely registered the clear blue sky above her. The singing birds and cool breeze passing through the trees that ensured the temperature from the hot sun above them never became uncomfortable, the grass beneath her that was a healthy shade of green and the beautiful, bright and colourful flowers scattered around all evaded her attention too.

Had it been any other day than today, this day would have been described by everyone as perfect. Had that lawn not been strewn with headstones, all different shapes and sizes, almost all surrounded by small gifts and flowers. All with names and dates engraved on them. All with one last message, phrase or prayer carved into the stone. Had it not been for that, she would have been feeling entirely different right now.

Her usually bright and freely flowing blonde hair was visibly dulled and pulled tightly back. Black pumps, black skirt, black top and black cardigan was what she wore, her face almost make-up free. Eyes red and swollen with dark circles beneath them. Tears slowly flowing down her cheeks. Not that anyone could see them. She never looked up to let them.

Her throat was tight, aching with the lump that filled it. The crowd around her were mere blurs of black in her peripheral vision. The soothing yet monotonous sounds of the priest as he said his prayers above the gentle sobbing of those around him, was nothing more than white noise to her.

There was an arm linked tightly with hers, which belonged to her mother. The arm she felt draped over her back and hand gently holding her shoulder was her father's. Her parents stood on either side of her, providing their daughter with the only comfort they could offer her at this tragic time, but it didn't help like they hoped. The pain in her heart, the ache in her throat and the tears that stung her eyes were too prominent. She was numb to everything else.

The days leading up to now were nothing but a blur to her. Spending most of it hidden away in her room, barely speaking to anyone, very rarely eating. Getting hardly any sleep even though she was exhausted from the pain, from the crying.

It had taken all of her strength to even come here today. People – friends, family, had told her it would help. That the funeral was the last goodbye and after that, she could begin the process of moving on. Her stomach knotted at the thought. As if she would ever move on. She couldn't. She didn't want to.

All she wanted was to have him back. She couldn't even begin to imagine a life where she didn't have him beside her, though she knew she could no longer have it. His arms would never hold her again. She would never feel the kiss of his lips on hers, the sound of his voice telling her he loved her. It was all gone.

One by one, people begun to step forward, saying their goodbye's to the young man that was taken from them way too soon. His mother, his father and his closest friends all choked out a heartfelt line or two, expressing their sadness, their regret and pain at his passing.

She knew that she should say something too. She was his love – first and as destiny would have it – his only. She owed it to his memory; to the time they shared together to say something. The crowd around her waited expectantly for a moment for her to take a step forward like the others had, yet she stayed frozen to her spot.

"You don't have to say anything if you don't want to sweetie." Her mother whispered, lightly squeezing her arm at the same time her father squeezed her shoulder.

"No-one would blame you if you decide not to." Her father added, his voice softer than she had ever heard it before.

Her eyelids shut tight, a single tear dropping down to land beside her foot. How did she say goodbye to someone she never thought she'd lose?

He had promised that he would never leave her, never hurt her. Vowed that they would be together forever, and she had believed him. She had no reason to doubt him, but now here she was, facing the prospect of a future without him in it. He had left, and she was hurting.

Head still facing downward, she opened her tear filled eyes, looking at and touching the diamond ring upon her fourth finger of her left hand. The ring he had promised her they would grow old together with. The ring that she hadn't long received.

They hadn't even gotten a chance to start making the wedding plans, too busy enjoying the new state of their relationship to worry about the details of it all just yet. They had thought there would have been plenty of time for all that. A shattering pain stabbed at her just at that thought, her throat becoming swollen and tight. Maybe it was for the best that those plans hadn't yet been made. Maybe that was the slither of a silver lining that everyone struggled to see amidst this tragedy.

Her eyes fluttered up to look at the faces surrounding her and she took in a deep breath. For the first time that day she saw her pain mirrored in them, and she saw their sympathy. Yet still she thought, almost selfishly, that their pain was nothing compared to hers. They didn't feel how she did, couldn't even comprehend how painful it was to lose the love of your life. She cared more. She loved him more. She was hurting more. She would miss him more.

As she pulled her arm gently away from her mothers and took a small step forward, more tears fell – she supposed she should get used to that. They would probably never stop. The silence that followed was eerie. Everyone waited patiently to hear the words she would come up with for the man she had loved.

The man she still loved.

But words escaped her. Her brain refused to form a sentence and her throat was so tight she felt like no words would come out even if she tried. There was so much she wanted to say but couldn't pull it together properly. Her heart was full of words to describe how she felt about him. How wonderful he was, how sweet and caring and funny and handsome, but they weren't meant to be spoken here. Not like this.

How was she supposed to say it all to a hole in the ground - to ears that couldn't hear her? Nothing she said would change what had happened. So what was the point? Her goodbye wouldn't bring him back, neither would it stop her pain.

Chewing the inside of her lip, she considered stepping back, but quickly changed her mind. Deep down she wanted to say something – anything - because in years to come she knew she would regret the decision to stay silent. This is the closest she would ever be to him again. This day was made meant for final goodbyes, and that definitely deserved some words.

She took another deep, shaky breath in and swallowed, grimacing at the sting it caused in her throat. A cracked "I…" was all she managed to say though. The lump forcing the rest of her sentence to remain unheard.

She closed her eyes tight and opened them again a few moments later. Despite her silent wish that she would just wake up from this nightmare, she saw the same sight before her and the disappointment hurt like a punch to the throat. This was no dream and this ordeal wasn't going to be over that easily.

She took another breath, urging herself to try again and to speak through the pain. "I'll…" Her voice cracked as she stared down at the wooden box, her hand coming to her chest as if it would help the pain inside. She knew then that the words wouldn't come no matter how badly she wanted them to.

I'll always love you. She thought. Focusing hard on the flowers spread out beside the golden plaque, sending the words telepathically. Hoping that wherever he was, he heard them.

Always. She added with determination, her heart breaking into pieces, her stomach sick.

Her hands moved up to cover her face as she broke down, a stream of fresh tears flowing down her cheeks. Her knees weakened. "I can't do this." She tearfully croaked. At that moment someone – she wasn't entirely sure who - but someone held her, and she collapsed into them, turning around to weep into their arms, as the crowd wept with her.

He was gone. She was alone, destined to live a life without the one person she wanted to live it with.

Only when she wrapped her arms around the person that was holding her did she realise who it was. "Daddy I can't do this." She quietly sobbed, shaking her head against his chest. "I can't live without him."