Bar Stories: What The Hell Just Happened?
I have created this story to enact revenge upon the evil author Draye. She made me transform into Ed and on-the-lips kiss Envy. Okay, I may love Envy, but that does not mean I will kiss him! To witness my humiliation, read Bar Stories: Are We Drunk Yet? by Draye.
Chapter 1: The Games Begin
I slowly skulked into the bar. My misery was evident. I had been cornered by Eragon, Han Solo, and Lust all at once because, apparently, I was an arrogant idiot who deserved to be pummeled to the ground.
I found a seat at the bar and ordered a large beer. Looking around, I hissed in distaste as I saw who had come to the bar that night. This, you see, was the reason I despised the government: the Author Bar I had previously gone to was shut down because it was run by anarchists who refused to pay the taxes.
"So, Emerald. Watcha doing'?"
I turned to find Draye seated next to me. I smiled tiredly. "Oh, not much. I was cornered by three characters who hate me, so now I'm feeling very depressed."
She firmly turned me towards the barman. "Beer helps all. Drink up."
"Sorry girls, you're underage."
"What?!" we exclaimed. "What's the drinking age around here?"
He stared at us. "21," he said slowly. "The same as everywhere else."
Draye laughed. "Oh, its okay. We're 313 and 317."
"No you're not," he retorted.
Draye leaped onto the countertop, pulled out a large red sword, and brandished it at the barman. "You will give us beer!"
As he meekly grabbed two glasses and set them in front of us, I stared. "What in high hell is wrong with you?"
"Anything and everything possible. Drink."
"Poor Draye." I shook my head. "Have you ever heard of alcoholism?"
"No. And I'm not an alcoholic."
I sighed morosely.
"Poor Emerald. You're depressed, aren't you?"
I nodded.
"Well don't look behind you." Apparently Draye'd never heard of reverse psychology.
I looked behind me. (Um…) This was also the reason I hated character bars: seated around a table were Roy Mustang (I hate his guts), Hohenheim (I hate his guts), and Gluttony (I hate his guts). Transforming into Riza Hawkeye, I approached the table.
"Hello, Lieutenant...What are you doing here?" You could tell Roy was scared out of his mind.
"Colonel," I said, struggling to hold in laughter, "You are going to get very drunk, aren't you?"
"What?"
"I want you to take off your gloves. Then I want you to set them on fire."
"But-"
"If you don't listen to what I say right now there will be a large pile of paperwork on your desk tomorrow morning."
"Eep. Yes ma'am." Gluttony was already cowering under the table.
Hohenheim was confused. "Why are you so scared of her?"
In true Riza style, I whirled around and fired. When the smoke cleared, the many bullets embedded into the wall had formed the outline of Hohenheim's head.
And I had transformed into Winry.
Roy stared, and then stood up very quickly. "Envy," he growled.
"Oh no, I'm afraid you're very much mistaken." And I transformed into Envy.
It didn't really work out. You see, I once took a sacred oath never to transform into a male. Waitaminute...Envy's a gender-confused palm tree. Oh, okay. No worries then.
"It is Envy!" yelled Roy.
I sighed. "Must I repeat myself? I'm not Envy!" I turned back into my preferred form: Tallish, with loooong blue hair and gray-blue eyes, I was wearing jeans with the knees cut out and a black T-shirt.
"You!" gasped Roy.
Draye stepped out from behind me.
"You!" gasped Roy.
"We meet again," said a voice from behind me.
I turned. Standing behind me was Envy, and behind him were the rest of the Homunculi. Quickly hiding my surprise, I calmly tucked my hair behind my ear. "Well, well, well. The gender-confused palm tree has decided the join us."
"I AM NOT A GENER-CONFUSED PALM TREE!"
Sloth snickered. Lust was shaking with suppressed giggles. Greed, Wrath, and Pride were openly laughing.
"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?"
"Emerald and Draye are the only ones who can get to you so quickly," gasped Greed.
Envy whirled around and punched me. I turned into Hohenheim just to piss him off.
A fight ensued.
When the dust settled, Envy was grasping my throat. So I turned into a porcupine. He screamed and dropped me. Draye intervened.
"Okay everyone, we all know you hate each other, now let's all go buy drinks."
Envy gave me a death glare. "If I'm a gender-confused palm tree, so are you!"
"No, no, no, Envy. Not all shape shifters are gender-confused palm trees. I, for one, have taken a sacred oath to never turn into a man, it's perfectly clear that I'm a girl, and I don't have green hair."
I have no clue how, but next minute me, Draye, and all the Homunculi were seated at the bar. Actually, it was just me and the Homunculi. Draye had dragged Roy outside to beat his guts out. Gluttony was eating a chair, and Hohenheim had gone away because no one was talking to him.
"So, Sloth," I said companionably. "How's Wrath?"
"Ask him yourself." I looked at Wrath. He was arguing fiercely with Envy, bug surprise, until Envy transformed into Izumi and I punched his nose. "You suck!" I yelled.
"Oh yeah? Well YOUR MOM!"
"YOUR MOM'S SO STUPID SHE GAVE BIRTH TO YOU!"
"YOU'R MOM'S SO STUPID SHE...SHE...OKAY YOU WIN!" grinding his teeth furiously, he turned away.
"I HEREBY-"
"I think you're stuck in caps lock," Draye pointed out.
"NO SHIT COugh cough way to point out the obvious," I rasped. "Okay then. I hereby challenge Envy to a shots contest with Pride!"
"Why you evil, evil girl!" they gasped at the same time. Draye grinned wickedly, vampire fangs glinting in the light.
With no choice but to comply, they started, both muttering under their breaths "I hate you I hate you I hate you..."
They drank.
And drank.
And drank.
It soon became clear that Envy couldn't hold his liquor for shit. He jumped up onto the counter and.. and he...
Well, he...
He started stripping.
Draye and I choked on our beer. Lust gasped and slit her throat on one of her fingers. Sloth ran, covering Wrath's eyes. Pride's eyes widened in horror, and he impaled himself upon Draye's sword. Greed squeezed his eyes firmly shut and began strangling himself. Draye began wheezing and gasping and I pounded her on the back. We ran, screaming bloody murder. Envy, oblivious, danced around.
"Never again!" I vowed hoarsely. "Never again will I let Envy get drunk!"
Draye simply shuddered.
Not very funny? Or is it...
If you would like to be featured, PM me or review stating the name you would like to be referred to as, your fandom of choice, the character you would like to annoy, etc, etc.
This isn't over, Draye. Oh no, it is FAR from over. Revenge WILL be mine!
-Emerald Tiara.