Valentine's Day, 2008

While sitting in traffic this morning, this idea came to me. Once it hatched, I couldn't get it out of my mind until I got it down on paper. So…here it is…my Valentine's Day gift to the Sam/Jack Ship Family at Gateworld…and to all Sam/Jack devotees everywhere.

Chapter 1: Sam

I wake up instinctively reaching for him…but he's not there. I'm momentarily confused. The dream I had was so vivid, I was sure he was here with me.

But he's not.

With a sigh, I get up to meet the day. The work is challenging, and there's plenty to keep me occupied, but my mind keeps straying to thoughts of him.

The way he makes me laugh.

The warmth of his embrace.

The passion that moves me more than I ever thought possible.

I wanted this command…but I was reluctant to accept it at the same time. This promotion represented the culmination of many years of hard work. And with the loss the people here had suffered, I thought I could make a difference. I think I have. But as I near the end of a year here, the days seem longer and the distance between us seems farther.

I'm used to being away from home. My work has always included travel. But during most of those years, he was with me…even though we weren't together then.

I remember so many moments that should have shown me where we were headed. But then, it seemed impossible that we could ever be in each others' lives as we are now.

He learned to trust me when we were stranded in Antarctica. We thought we had accidentally gated to some ice planet. He was badly injured, and I thought we were going to die there. So, I did my best to make him comfortable while waiting for the end. In his delirium, he called for his ex-wife, and to ease his misery, I answered, pretending to be her. He doesn't remember that, and I've never told him about it. I just remember thinking that a man so haunted by the love he had lost must love deeply.

I remember the three months I worked day and night to rescue him when he was trapped on Edora. I knew I could do it. I could find a way to bring my commanding officer home. But I didn't realize that I was beginning to think of him as more than my CO.

Janet knew. Even then, she recognized what my obsession with the task meant. I didn't know…until I saw him go back to embrace Laira. That's when I felt a pang of jealousy and realized I was falling in love with him.

I was still dealing with those feelings when he quit the program, saying he'd had enough and wanted to go back to Edora to live. None of us understood the change in him, and although we all thought we were losing him, I secretly felt I was losing more than Daniel and Teal'c were.

I felt both relieved and betrayed when we found out he was working undercover. General Hammond was the only one who knew. The rest of us were shocked that we hadn't been part of the plan. It took awhile for us to forgive him and to trust him again. But it was easier for me, because at least I knew he didn't really want to go back to her.

The za'tarc incident a few months later escalated the situation. To stay alive, we were forced to reveal what neither of us wanted to…that we cared for each other…much more than was appropriate…given our ranks and working relationships. After those confessions, he wanted to talk about it, but I didn't think we should. So I told him we needed to "keep it in the room." That damn "room"! I wonder now what would have happened if we had discussed it. Would we have found a way? A resignation? A retirement? A reassignment? If we had gone that route, would we even still be here? Would one of us have been killed had the team not stayed intact?

But what does it matter now? What is…is…and I'm giving myself a headache thinking it over again. Entering the commissary, I get some coffee and greet others who are also starting their day. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself. I'm not the only person here who left loved ones behind. But, looking around the room at the members of my staff, I'm fairly certain I'm the only one here who left someone they have loved for so long…and have had for such a short time.

For cryin' out loud! Shake out of it, Sam! If these people knew how weak their commander was feeling, they'd ask for a replacement! I resolve to be strong and soldier through it, because that's what I know how to do.

As I go through my day, the thoughts keep coming back. I remember when he and Harry Maybourne got stranded on that moon. No one could figure out how to activate the portal that had taken them away, and when the scientists packed up their bags to go home, I lost it. I let poor Bill Lee have it—and I blush as I remember that I didn't scare him one bit. I let my personal feelings get in the way that day. So, I did the only thing I could do…figure out a way to get him back myself. When I realized the portal lead to the planet's moon, he was rescued. I had him back again.

But I didn't…not really.

Through all those years, he was always there for me with a smile, a joke, a sarcastic comment to make me laugh. But the longer I wanted him, the harder it was to keep waiting and wanting…not knowing it we would live long enough to give a relationship a try.

Dad always said I was stubborn, and he was right. I was determined to have a chance at a normal life, and if it couldn't be with the Colonel, then I'd find someone else. So I went on a blind date with Pete, and for the next year, I tried to convince myself that I was in love with a wonderful man. And I was. It just wasn't the man I was dating.

Rodney comes into my office, prattling on about Katie Brown and how he's screwed everything up between them. I listen patiently for a respectful amount of time before asking him if he has any unfinished projects that need his attention. That stops him. I knew it would. Looking wounded, he retreats, muttering to himself. I feel a little bad about that, but my job is to be his commander, not Dear Abby to his anxieties. I have to maintain a degree of separation from these people in order to lead them. As much as I would like to loosen up and be his friend, I can't. It's not the way Hammond led, and it's not the way Jack led. And their ways are my models for command behavior.

If I could, I'd tell Rodney to march down to that botany lab, grab the girl by the shoulders and give her a huge kiss. It's what she's waiting for. But he has to find his own way and figure things out for himself.

Just like I had to do.

When Pete asked me to marry him, I was torn. I knew I still loved the Jack, but I was trying hard to love Pete. It took me more than two weeks to decide to accept the proposal. Even then, I didn't do it until after I had shown Jack the ring, and discussed my anguish with him.

I was hoping he would stop me. He didn't.

And at that point, I guess I gave up hope.

When I told Pete I would marry him, I didn't feel the joy of committing my life to my soulmate. I tried to tell myself I had found Mr. Right, but I think what I actually felt was the satisfaction of completing a project. I'm ashamed to admit that now, even to myself. But looking back, that's what it was. I had set a goal for myself, and I had achieved the goal. Project completed—gold star for Sam. If Jack didn't care enough to stop me from marrying someone else, what difference did it make? Might as well go on and have that normal life everyone kept saying was so great.

For the next several months, I tried to push thoughts of Jack away. Things were definitely strained between us. But the closer I got to the wedding, the more anxious and detached I felt. The morning Pete met my father probably sealed the deal. I could tell how disappointed he was in Pete. And Pete acted so geeky! Once he was granted clearance, I tried to explain the relationship between symbiote and host to him. He said he understood, but when he met Dad, he still acted like an idiot. He couldn't even see how coolly Dad was treating him. Later, when he asked, I told him Dad had liked him. I just didn't want to discuss it. I needed time to think.

If Dad's reaction to Pete sealed the deal, the house Pete purchased pushed me over the edge. It was a beautiful house, but it made everything seem so…final. Seeing that house…which he had bought without even letting me see it first…and hearing him talking about a dog without ever asking if I would like to have a dog…sent me running to Jack's house. In my heart, I already knew the relationship with Pete wasn't for the long term, but I wanted to give Jack another chance to tell me he still cared—that is, if he did.

When I arrived, I could tell Jack seemed a little ill at ease, but it wasn't until Agent Kerry Johnson stepped out onto his deck that I realized how badly I had screwed up. I was actually thankful when my cell phone rang! I needed to get out of that embarrassing situation, and quickly! I had made a huge fool out of myself, and I had to get out of there because I knew I was going to start tearing up any moment.

But I would have never wished for the news that was at the other end of the line.

Dad's sudden illness turned my world upside down. The news that I was about to lose him – that no technology at our disposal could save him – created the worst feelings I had experienced since my mother died.

Dad tried to talk with me about having everything I wanted. He encouraged me to do whatever it took to find real happiness. I didn't let on that he had struck a chord. I wasn't going to burden him with my uncertainty over Pete. I thought I had him fooled.

I realize now that I didn't. Dad knew who I really loved. He knew Pete was wrong for me. And he could tell how much Jack and I care for each other.

Why he didn't come right out and say it, I'll never know. If he had, perhaps I would have talked with him about it. I guess he was trying to give me the opportunity to tell him the truth about what was in my heart. I'll always regret that I didn't. But I wanted what was left of our time together to be peaceful, not full of Sam's trauma of the moment.

As I was waiting for Dad to complete his good-byes with the Tok'ra, Jack showed up. Although he had moved on to a new romance, he was still my friend. And as always, he offered the comfort I needed, just when I needed it most.

I thanked him for being there for me. Then…and I'll remember this as long as I live…he softly said, "Always." His tone alerted me that something was different. I turned to look into those big brown eyes, and a chill rushed through me. But before I could process it, I got the signal that Dad needed me.

I rushed to his bedside, and we said good-bye. And then, he was gone.

I wipe a tear from my eye before it falls on a form I have to sign. I look around, but no one is nearby to see my momentary weakness. I sign the document, lay it aside and sit back to watch the activity below me. As I do, my mind goes back to the days after Dad's death.

I didn't have to make arrangements. Jack did it.

I didn't have to think about what to eat. Jack made sure I ate.

I didn't have to call Dad's old military buddies to let them know he had passed away. Jack saw to it that those calls were made.

All I did was phone my brother to let him know what had happened. When he asked where to make reservations, I couldn't think of a single hotel in town! I asked Jack where they should stay, and he pushed a piece of paper across his desk toward me. He had already made their reservations.

Jack occupied my guest room for the next several days, while either Daniel or Teal'c slept on the couch. They said they didn't want me to be alone. Sure, I could have taken care of myself, but I found it comforting to have them there. After all, except for Dad, they are closer to me than anyone else I know.

Jack was at my side through the visitation at the funeral home, through the funeral and through the wake that followed. He didn't let anyone go on too long or say anything that would upset me. He kept my mind occupied at the wake with off-color comments about how the various guests reminded him of Goa'uld. I was mortified, thinking that I was going to burst into laughter at some inappropriate moment. But he seemed to know just when to stop. He kept me going through the entire ordeal.

A couple of weeks later, Jack suggested that all four of us spend a few days at his cabin in Minnesota. He said I needed a change of scenery, and we all needed a break. After all, we had beaten both the Goa'uld and the Replicators. We were stressed, we were tired, and we were all lucky to be alive. So we made plans. But on the morning we were supposed to leave, Daniel called to say Teal'c had sent a message from Dakara, saying it would be another two days before he could join us. To keep him from having to drive for hours alone, Daniel said he would stay behind, and they would travel together.

"Daniel, I can't go with the General alone."

"Sure you can, Sam."

"But he's my commanding officer. It wouldn't look right."

"Sam, no one is going to know except the four of us…and we won't tell. Go on; you need to do something different. This trip is all about you."

"Daniel…" I argued.

"Sam, listen to me," he said, with the tone of someone who wasn't telling all he knew. "You need to go with Jack. For once, don't argue. Just go."

So I went, despite my misgivings. And now I know that the boys had planned that "delay" in Dakara to give Jack some time alone with me. On our first night in Minnesota, Jack told me about his transfer. Then I told him about my offer to go to Area 51. At that point, we knew the regs were no longer an issue. So, we had the talk we should have had four years before, and we learned that we both wanted the same thing: each other.

Nature took its course after that, and within a few weeks, we were married. Of course, after that came the conflict with the Ori, and I had to return to the SGC. But since we had married in the interim, the regs were no longer a problem. We've chosen to keep our marriage quiet, though…mainly for political reasons. But I'm growing tired of living a secret.

It's been more than two years since then, and here I am, a galaxy away from the man I love. The feeling of separation overtakes me again, and I bite my lip to fight back the tears.

I love my work; I do. But I also love Jack O'Neill, and I need to find my way home to him. After all, life is short, and we've spent too much time apart already.