A/n: This bunny has been bugging me for a while. Thankfully, as you can tell, I finally had the time to type it down completely before it fully died. Please, tell me if this is too OOC! I tried to keep it as in-character as possible, but…
If this is well received, there will be a sequel.
-Fleetwood-=Thoughts
/Fleetwood/=Memories
///= Change in time
He could recall the exact moment that it happened. They had been walking back from sparring- No, that was a lie. He had been walking, and she had been in his arms. That was the result of losing to her: She was never satisfied simply knowing that she had bested him; no, she had to be certain that success would reap some sort of reward for her.
(Un-Jedi-like perhaps, but such a close friend –more, now- was she that he was willing to overlook that.)
And so he had carried her, however reluctantly, back to her quarters, as his face burned red as a Sith's lightsaber. He recalled setting her down and turning around, not wanting to even dignify the recent events with a comment.
Apparently, she had. He remembered the fire in her blue eyes as she pecked him on the cheek; the same fire that had caused him to fall for her when they were young and naïve apprentices.
Back then, he had had a Master to guide him out of the tangled labyrinth of love. Now, he had no one.
Much as he hated to admit it, Obi-Wan Kenobi was lost.
///
The Jedi Master stared down at the beverage in front of him, knowing better than to drown everything out in alcohol, but seeing no other alternative.
-Twice, twice in a month! What would Anakin say?-
He didn't even have to consider that. After berating him for being such a hypocrite, he could easily picture his padawan slapping him on the back; easily hear his laughter: -"Twice in a month? Master, you old fox!"-
This time had been an accident; wasn't it always?
(No! He had been seeing Siri as often as he could during this brief respite in the war. That certainly wasn't coincidental.)
He had merely been going to see her –Master Unduli, one of the closest friends he had made since becoming a knight- to congratulate her on her superb performance during a recent battle.
No, Obi-Wan hadn't expected to be so moved by her stunning blue-violet eyes, by her softly accented voice.
And he certainly hadn't expected her to not struggle, and to actually make the first move! To reach over and gently touch his cheek as she spoke of –well, he couldn't remember now; it was that unimportant!
Any other day, he would have brushed off her hand as a gesture of friendship, but he wasn't so shallow now. He had recognized the slight flirtations, acknowledged them with a coy pat to her thigh.
She had seemed genuinely surprised. Had he really been that cold in the past? Obi-Wan supposed it didn't matter. They were together now.
He sighed and poured another shot of Corellian ale. Why was he like this? Why now, as he had recently been put onto the Council, the highest possible honor for a Jedi?
He supposed that it was the realization that he wasn't getting younger. As a Padawan, he had had all the time in the world to achieve his goals, even what he thought to be love was a lessened form of what he felt now. Plus, in the middle of a war, it was good to know someone cared whether you lived or died; for reasons beyond 'the sake of the Republic'.
(He knew it was wrong, but being in their presence was intoxicating; so much more than the alcohol before him.)
He loved them both equally, and he knew already that conflict would arise from that.
///
The Jedi Master's hands were entwined in her soft yellow hair, his lips pressed firmly against hers. He inhaled her sweet scent, unsure if it came from a bottle or if it was simply part of her. Unsure, and uncaring.
It was only when he lifted his head that he caught a glimpse at the wall chrono.
-Sithspit!-
He broke away from her gentle arms. "Siri… I have to go…"
She pouted slightly, an expression odd on her usually stoic Jedi features. "Council meeting?"
Obi-Wan kissed her lightly on the lips. "You're much more important than them."
He didn't specify who them was.
Luminara's olive-skinned finger gently traced the bones of his, her lips close in its wake. "Do you love me?"
He stepped back, surprised. "What- Why- Yes. Yes, I think I do."
She looked at him, her eyes oddly empty. "You think?"
He laid a hand gently onto her shoulder. "How am I to know what love feels like? Perhaps the HoloNet tells of my cleverness in the field-" he gave her a roguish smile, "Perhaps they see me to be skilled with the lightsaber. I only know those things because I have experience with them." Obi-Wan drew the Mirialan Jedi closer; she did not resist. Whispering in her ear, he murmured "Give me time, sweet girl. Give me time, and I will know what love feels like."
///
Obi-Wan swung his lightsaber, easily deflecting the blaster fire back into the platoon of droids. He let his mind sink deep into the Force, trying to focus his everything into the situation at hand. Trying, and failing.
/"Fight well, my love." He had smiled, responded with other sweet nothings to the blond Jedi's words. She had pulled him aside while he walked on his way to the hangar bay, preparing to leave to go to Datooine to help attack a Separatist outpost.
She had insisted on walking him down to the shipyard, despite his worries that it would look too obvious; that rumours would start being past around through the Order that he was defying an age-old rule. He remembered arguing lightly; it seemed to be the only sort of conversation that they had ever shown in public. Why stop now?
His heart had frozen as he drew closer to the ship, which was aptly named The Fool's Fall. Standing near it was Luminara, chatting softly with a Clone as her eyes wondered. They lit up as they found him, and she quickly ended her conversation with the soldier.
Breath quickening, Obi-Wan turned to Siri and quickly started to initiate formal parting words. She had given him a confused expression at first that was replaced almost too quickly with a flirtatious sort of understanding. "Leaving so soon, Master Kenobi?" Her fingers had danced lightly over his collarbone as she leaned closer to him: A risky move, in such a populated area.
He stepped away; all too aware of the approach of the woman he loved.
The other woman, that was.
The remainder of the short time that he departed was a blur. All he knew was that he somehow managed to get himself out of a potentially disastrous situation./
He wished he knew what the consequences were.
"General Kenobi! Watch out!" One of the countless clones threw himself before the Jedi, saving him from an explosion at the cost of his life.
The ginger-haired man stumbled back, astonished.
-I can't keep going on like this-
///
"Anakin, I need your help." Obi-Wan could only imagine what this looked like: Him, turning up in the middle of the night, with no explanation, at the door to his former Padawan's apartment.
The Chosen One rubbed his slightly bloodshot eyes. "Master, it's-" the elder Jedi must have seemed so desperate that the sentenced was never completed.
Anakin stepped aside to let him stumble in. "What's going on?"
He found a chair to sit in; lucky, as he was about to fall over. "Love."
Anakin choked slightly. "What?!" Apparently remembering his Padawan, who was sleeping in an adjoining room, he lowered his tone. "Master, I've no idea what you mean." He looked nervous.
Obi-Wan put a hand to his forehead. "No, no, you wouldn't." He looked up, desperation in his blue eyes.
"Anakin, have you ever gotten yourself into something that you can't solve? Something that takes more than a lightsaber to get out of; something that a single wrong word can ultimately ruin everything?"
The knight frowned slightly. "No, not really… Master, what's going on?"
Again, he sighed. Perhaps this wasn't a good idea; after all, he hadn't even thought it completely through. No, he was here on some strange instinct.
The Jedi Master stood up. "Never mind. I don't even know why I'm here." His attempt to leave was shot down by his former Padawan.
"That doesn't matter. Why do you think you're here?"
Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows, impressed. "And here I was, thinking that I hadn't taught you a thing about negotiating."
The younger Jedi frowned. "Master, I mean it."
Oh, who was he kidding? He wanted desperately to admit to someone what this war was doing to him; to tell them how the Code suddenly seemed empty with the torrent of emotions that the war had brought on to each Jedi.
"Anakin, do you ever doubt the Code?"
He got a low snort in reply. "Every day, Master." Apparently, he still hadn't accepted his rise to the Council; otherwise, Obi-Wan doubted that he would have gotten such a response.
Force, this part was hard. "And have you ever felt… attracted to a woman, specifically, as of the start of this hellish war?"
The Chosen One stared at him for several seconds without saying anything, and then burst out laughing. "You're coming to me with 'girl problems'? Ha!"
Obi-Wan watched, glaring slightly. He knew his reaction was un-Jedi-like, but wasn't that the sort of behavior that had gotten him sucked into this whole mess in the first place? "It isn't funny, Anakin."
His onetime Padawan did his best to sober up. "Sorry. Anyway, who is she, and why don't you like her anymore?"
No, this part had to be the worst. "Not she… You'd say that when there's one of them. And the details are irrelevant. I'd prefer them to remain anonymous."
"You really are no fun." The younger Jedi studied his face, as if it wasn't obvious enough what this was doing to him.
The Chosen One gave an exaggerated sigh. "Okay, I'll take pity on you. The most visible answer is to break it off with one of them and stay with the other."
Had Obi-Wan been offered a drink, as was proper etiquette, he would be choking. "And just how would that help?"
Anakin flashed him a scoundrel's grin. "How wouldn't it help is the real question! This way, you'd have one girlfriend, and the other would be none the wiser." His face turned a bit more serious; with him, someone usually had to die before his sharp attitude was completely quenched. "Really though, this is a rather interesting situation. Who would have thought that by-the-book Obi-Wan Kenobi had emotions?"
Yes, he had feelings, and they were wearing thin. "This isn't a laughing matter. I'm truthfully starting to think that the war has affected my mind!"
His former apprentice looked startled, then concerned, at the outburst. "Do you think you should see a soul-healer? I mean, first Jabiim, now this-"
He made to stand up. "If you've nothing new to tell me, then I best be going."
For a brief moment, something akin to actual worry flickered across the Chosen One's face. "My only advice is to break it off, if that's what you think is right. If you really love them both, then… well, trust the Force to lead you."
Obi-Wan hesitated, but realized, in some part of him deep inside, that his near-brother was right. "Thank you, Anakin."
///
This was awkward.
No, that didn't start to cover it. This was what he imaged it to be like in one of the Hells.
He cleared his throat slightly, in an attempt to draw a reaction out of Siri, who was sitting across from him. "Siri, you know what's wrong."
If this was hell, then it would be frozen by the look in her icy eyes. "Do I?"
"Please…" He reached out and laid a hand on her leg, uncertain how to proceed in a way that wouldn't hurt her. "This is hard enough for me to do."
She jerked away from him; he supposed that he should have expected that reaction. "Don't touch me. Tell me, is it harder than it was the first time you did it? Has time healed the wounds for you that came from our brief liaison?" Her voice got tighter. "For me, they had already scabbed over, but there was a scar there. Long and disfiguring. It covered my emotions and helped me to be a better Jedi, but that didn't justify it." Siri's breathe quickened. "And now, in the middle of a war, it was starting to disappear. Years later, the pain slowly subsided to be replaced with joy. Why do you think that was?"
He knew it to be a hypothetical question. "I'm sorry."
Somehow she managed to convey both fire and ice in her glare. "Get. Out."
Obi-Wan hastened to do so.
///
Standing before Luminara's doorway, Obi-Wan prayed that this would go better. He extended a hand, about to ring the buzzer, but the door slid open before he had a chance.
A single look at her face told him everything. Unlike his blonde friend –one-time friend, now- she seemed to be calm and accepting of what was coming; almost too much.
She stepped aside to allow him to enter. Upon sitting down, he realized that he had arrived unprepared.
There was no time to worry now. He would just trust the Force, and pray that this would turn out better than before.
Obi-Wan opened his mouth to- well, he didn't really know what to say, but that didn't matter- when Luminara spoke. "This is love?"
The non-rhetorical question caught him off guard. "What? Sorry, I don't-" He wasn't a good liar.
His words caused a flash of anger in her sharp blue eyes, something he had never seen before. "Master Kenobi, I am not a fool." She inhaled deeply, appearing to center herself in the Force. "I don't know everything that you've done –quite frankly, I don't want to- but I do know that this can't last." The hard mask she had worn over her features softened slightly. "I don't know why you want me. I don't know if I'm the only one."
Her last sentence caught Obi-Wan off-guard. His automatic reflex was to lie, but the part of him that was still the model Jedi told him not to. "Then you're aware of the reason that I'm here."
She gave him a sorrowful gaze. "You don't need to say it."
He nodded, surprised at the emotion he felt. He thought that he had realized the wrongness of such feelings the night before when speaking with Anakin the night before, but apparently not. It seemed that even a lifetime of training had not quenched out his human side.
He cleared his throat and stood up. "I best be going."
She nodded, but made no move to escort him out.
Luminara spoke at the last possible minute. "Don't say that again."
Truthfully, he had not an idea what she spoke of. "What? I've not an idea what you're talking about, I'm afraid."
Her voice sounded like she was trying to hold back tears; he couldn't know for certain, as he didn't have the strength to look at her. "Never say that you love anybody. We are Jedi. We cannot know love."
He knew she was right, and still he couldn't say goodbye.
"When love starts out in the darkness
It doesn't do well in the light
Affairs of the heart
Start out in the dark
Usually stay with the night…" ©Fleetwood Mac, Everybody Finds Out