A/N: Okay, just to clarify: THIS IS NOT PLAGUARIZING OR WHATEVER I'M NOT STEALING THE STINKING STORY. I wrote this. Me. I did. Before I had an account (which you should check out ;D) I had my wonderful, wonderful, wonderful friend It's a Wonder I'm Still Alive posted this for me; by mutual agreement it's still on her profile, but on mine as well. It's a Crack!fic, kind of, so don't flame it, please. To disclaim this I'm gonna say all rights belong to Angie Sage, obviously, because if I owned it nobody would read it.
"Hey, Jenna." Septimus said impatiently.
"What's up, Septimus?" Jenna, reading intently over the Queen's Rules by the light of her bedroom's cozy fire, looked up in surprise as Septimus approached her.
"Marcia's asked me to write a graduation speech. You know, for the end of my Apprenticeship?"
"Yeah?" Jenna set down her book.
"I need you to check it over for me, okay? Since you're the Queen and all?"
"Sure, Sep." She nodded. "Let's see it."
Septimus handed her a small stack of paper, neatly held together with a binder clip. (A/N: Do they even have binder clips? Whatever…)
"Okay." Septimus handed her a bright green marker. "Highlight anything that you think looks stupid for me." Jenna took the marker, slightly worried about what she was going to find.
She turned the stack of papers and began to read…..
LIKE A BOSS – By Septimus Heap, dawgs!
So it starts when I'm just fo'chillin' up in the Young Army. And then I get stuck on sentry duty. I'm all, "This bites, yo," But I gotta do it anyway or the Cadet dude won't feed me dinner for a week. So I'm just like, "Let's get this jank thing over with, dawg." So I'm out there like a boss, like, 'Whoa, dude! You can't be bringing that crazy suspicious basket in this Tower or we both get arrested. So do me a solid and like, come back later when I'm gone.'
And after the dude leaves this crazy lady in purple comes up and is all, 'don't die cuz you get cold brah', and I'm like 'yeah I won't die.' But I like, freeze and next thing I know I'm waking up and I'm kidnapped and I'm like WHAT?! But then we go to Aunt Zelda. She all wrinkly and old but she gives me the whole smackdown on food! I'm talkin' like a five star restaurant. And then circus clown 101 in the boat comes and's all, "Sup bros I need to kill that girl you're just fo'chillin' with. So I'm like, "Not today circus freak!" and gave him the whole smack. So he runs off and I'm all like, yeah, brah!
So that lady in purple is all, you got some rad skills I'ma teach you all I ever know. She gives me these green clothes that are like, the bomb, and is all, you're better than your bros! And guess what you have a family but you never knew that! I'm like, LOL. Best story ever. Cuz the whole time I'm like a boss. Be boss like me, dawgs. I keep it fresh.
THE END LIKE A BOSS.
"Um…." Jenna frowned. She hesitantly uncapped the marker and leaned over the paper, wondering exactly which part was the stupidest. The natural answer, being of course, all of it.
She highlighted what she could and gave it back to Septimus. He frowned at it.
"Jen, you just colored the whole paper green." He said, confused.
"Exactly." Jenna deadpanned. "Wait, missed a spot." She leaned forward and drew a large 'L' across Septimus's forehead. "I think I covered everything that needs changing." She shrugged.
"Wha…?" Septimus stared at his paper.
"Good luck. You're going to need it, dawg." Jenna giggled at her own joke.