Snakes, cobwebs flashing in my face. A pair of human eyes. Images mostly moving too fast, and feudal buildings. Weird things from across history.

'This is a particularly odd dream.'

More flashing images and a snake's life cycle. A glimpse of it anticipating whether to attack a tarantula. Its body coiled up ready to spring, incapable of anything besides attacking or fleeing for lack of limbs. The tarantula manages to poison the snake as it connects.

I feel mildly uncomfortable-

I'm in bed. I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately, but that's not really important. What is important is that when I go to grab my phone to see what's new on Fanfiction my room is different. For one thing, there are no windows here, so it took me a second to notice. Good signs are that no one else is here so I scooch upwards and lean against the wall behind the bed.

At least I didn't fall off the bed, that would've been a bit embarrassing.

I glance down and freeze when I notice that my arm is pale. Then I immediately notice that my body didn't resemble mine at all. Fuck sakes, what is this? I palm my face and squeeze my temples. Way too early in the morning.

Eventually, I applied the band aid method and removed my palm to look at my new body. It was at least 10 years older than mine. I groan audibly.

Well... Let it not be said that I feel like my body has been altered. I feel like I had a brain transplant - I feel perfectly fine. I'm more interested in perusing the room than examining myself.

As for the body... This man is deathly pale... Like super deathly pale. But on the bright side he seemed to have been exercising frequently. You can't really ignore waking up feeling better than ever, so whoever who had owned it before me must have kept it well. As for the room... the walls were made of some old wood, and the ceiling looked like it belong to some sort of makeshift tunnel. There were candles placed around on the floor, and the only way I could tell that it was daytime was my internal body clock.

There was a bookshelf with what I think looked like scrolls.. Aaaannndddd I'm starting to think something is really afoot.

Well, no time like the present. I roll out of bed, make my way towards the shelf and lo and behold there are scrolls on ninjutsu. Naruto things. This place lacks a mirror but I don't think it's going to take a genius to put 2 and 2 together here.

.

I look down, turn over my palms and raise the callused fingers up to my eye level. Shit!

Shit. Fucking shit, probably smaller penis too.

I checked. Damn.

...

I'm pretty sure I'm Sir Snake himself, what with the different body frame and all. I'd kill to see my reflection in his Kusanagi blade, but whatever.

Actually-a-snake man himself. I mean, to some degree it is cool though. You know what - screw it! Why not. I wouldn't mind having magic powers. It's a bit limited compared to something like Harry Potter, but Orochimaru was the king of pulling deus ex machina magic out of his magical ass anyway.

I clear my throat and annunciate, "Ahem". Man that is raspy. If there was any doubt in my mind before, it's certainly gone now. With these reedy tones, it's a surprise this guy - me now - was ever left near kids. Or was he? Konoha seems to like that, always assuming that ninja aren't sociopaths...

Look what that gets you, a twice-destroyed village. Or three times, I think. Who cares, they get what is coming to them. Meanwhile I get delicccious test subjectsssssss.

Actually, didn't Orochimaru have something to do with an orphanage?

Whatever, unimportant. Better point is, why the fuck are there scrolls here on reptile sexual organs?

I'll have to go through the existential crisis about being an actual snake later. What I really want is that damn sword, and I can't begin my attempt without making sure the coast is clear. I already have an approach in mind. I quickly skulk over to the wood door, creak it open and glance in both directions. Two empty corridors. Also dead silent movement, which is nice to have as a habit. I close the door and skip back in.

Okay, let's begin.

"Sword... come out!" I annunciate. "Kusa... NAGI! Sword summon! GO GO-DAGGER MOUTH!"

Weird voice. Still sounds like I'm hissing. And this is obviously going nowhere. Where the fuck is Kabuto? Surely he would know.

Shit! Kabuto. Now I have to pretend to be Orochimaru. Why couldn't I have been Danzo or someone else? Sheesh. Atleast then I'd have endless willing - mindless - slaves. Probably hot ones.

Maybe Anko was one? Hum.

I could probably take on Danzo. Maybe. Although that reminds me, I actually need to learn how to fight or I'd be bisected. And hell if it were likely Orochimaru ever wrote up his abilities and left them lying around somewhere. On that note, why couldn't Orochimaru ever learn sage mode? Isn't that easier for animals? Is it even possible for me? Hssssssssss

I'm probably going to never get sick of annoying people like a snake. Hssssssssss-Right, the sword.

I'm halfway through attempting to induce vomit when a knock comes at the door.

"Orochimaru-sama? Breakfast," the door adds in a remarkably chirpy voice, which I tentatively label as Kabuto.

I cough and briefly decide if he should come back later. "Hm. Leave it for now. I'm musing." Note to self: find out when it is.

"Yes, sir," he replied curtly, but I got the impression that he lingered momentarily.

I paused, "Also, I would like to know how things are-in Konoha." I almost asked, 'how are things?', but that would've been stupid since Orochimaru was some all-knowing bastard. Like Morgan Freeman.

"Right away, Lord Orochimaru." I can hear him walk off.

Sadly it was looking like I would have to have Kabuto guide me to all my labs. Time to muster up my inner diva and be entitled... everywhere. But first, enough thinking.

Chakra time.

I decide to close my eyes and think of Dragonball.

...

..

I'm halfway through Rock The Dragon when I notice that yes, while I can't really feel it, it's there. Neat. I think I can also feel my 'true snake form' conformed to my body. That's mildly peculiar, but I once had a sandwich with mayonnaise, avocado and olive oil and this is nothing by comparison.

I can feel a small seal in my throat, and while I don't activate it, I have a decent idea how to get the Kusanagi to work. My guess is that the chakra may be hard to feel because it might just be everywhere all over my body. I'm not sure how else I would be able to use the stretching technique.

Fuckin' eh though. I can use chakra!

And I have Kusanagi! Seriously, this day is just getting better and better.

I search the room and put on one of the stack of black polos and grey trousers, and then plop on his iconic white robes. No luck with the thick purple rope belt thing. Seriously, fuck this guy for picking that as the outfit. After a good 10 minutes of what I can only assume is muscle memory I tie the damn thing. Fucking Orochimaru.

I blank my facial expression and make my way outside. Sigh, 2 corridors and one splits. Fucking Orochimaru. I pick a random corridor and start spotting underlings in the corridor and attached rooms. Through all the cowering, I notice that a lot look like civilians, and not ninja, so they might have had bloodlines or something to make them less useless. I pass the presumably acceptable mooks and practice extending my fingers. Exxccellent, hss hss.

After skulking past enough minions, I spot Kabuto in a large empty lab area. Big steel table, medical cabinets, filing cabinets and such. Neat.

"Hello Kabuto-kun. Have you found much information on Konoha yet?"

He turns to look at me with minor tension, but that's what I like to see in my subordinates. Muhahahaha. But really, I suppose my walking must be a lot less detectable than I'd anticipated. Much Buenos.

"Lord Orochimaru. I did not want to bother you in your study." Study? Really? It was 4 walls, a bed and some shelves. "Danzo-sama seemed to be focused on border missions and removing surrounding ninja. As you might have already guessed, it is likely that they are considering foreign affairs of some kind. Your other spies have reported Sasuke's growth has been the same. Perhaps he will be placed in a team with the jinchuriki teen?"

I did a minor 'kukuku' laugh. Judging by Kabuto's response, I assume that it's appropriately evil and hammy. "Good, good. And Itachi?" I say, taking the prompt from the Sasuke comment.

"He is heading towards Mist with Kisame Hoshigaki-san. Shall we gather his former partner, Jūzō Biwa's body for the Edo Tensei?"

"Yes, yes," I waved my hand off. No idea who that is. "Later." I said, looking over his table. It had a set of vials labelled 'Shimabukuro Strand' followed by a number. Probably was the reduced blood of some experiment. More probably it'll be injected into someone else in some stupid feudal "super biology".

I take this opportunity to examine Kabuto at work, with his serial killer-meets-Harry Potter kind of dedication. Literal mad skills. "Anything else?"

"Not currently, Orochimaru-sama."

I resist the urge to skulk like a cat and stride off in an measured manner. I would have asked Kabuto where my more informative minions are, but he'd probably direct me to somewhere I don't know. Does Orochimaru simply tolerate this lack of intel or does he just not care about anything besides experimenting? I should demand written reports.

Now, what else is in this dump. I pick some more random corridors. I choose the one moving slightly upwards... and it looks as though a few of my loyal mooks live down this passageway. I spot Jirōbō's name on his door, and at least recognise that he was one of the Sound Four-I think. That or someone with a close enough name. Still, he's not here so I proceed onward to some downward lobby.

As I come closer I can hear some commotion happening, so I decide to slow my approach.

"I will not be taken down that easily!" growled a voice from somewhere below, followed by loud slapping noises.

"Earth Release: Earth Flow Spears!" exclaimed another, followed by a wet noises and a screech.

Really? They actually say this? What if they mispronounced it? I wanted to bang my head against the wall. Actually, I should invent a technique for that. Be known for embarrassing people, and killing them.

I entered the room silently, and it turns out to be an arena. I'm vaguely sure that this must've been in the anime somewhere. Random fighting pits would suit Orochimaru - my style. I walk casually and join some red headed woman to glance over the railings and watch the match.

One them obviously screwed up, and he had his leg impaled with earth spikes. I just found it kind of bizarre, like I was watching a dramatic cosplay enactment. Especially with the mooks wearing forehead protectors that I guessed that I apparently kidnapped or something. Most were from Iwa, which I think was the land of Earth. I drifted my eyes to the other unrecognisable mook in the arena. He was swaying and reminding me how much I really want to get drunk.

I wonder if I should make the mispronouncing technique an alcohol mist?

"O-Orochimaru-sama. I'm surprised you came down here. The pits seem below you," spoke the red head with some general malevolence. I decided not to turn straight away because I didn't want to not look all-knowing.

"Mm." I replied, waving an innocuous hand towards the matches. "... And how are my underlings?"

"Fuckin' amateurs. They couldn't dodge genin."

"Genin don't perform ninjutsu." I replied neutrally.

"Ahh, you know what I mean." She sighed in a too forced-casual manner. "I don't need a pep talk Orochimaru-sama, I will train them until they are much stronger. We will have a strong village."

Orochimaru had a village? Ohh, that's right. "Good. And we certainly will." Meh, that'll do.

I slowly turn to examine her face. And man she is hot. She's somewhat familiar, whoever she is. It's dark in here, but I can make out most of what she looks like. She has an orange-pink coloured hair that comes out as a kind of red colour. She's clearly an adult. Definitely not Kushina though. Too young and jaded-looking for that.

I stare at her for a good few seconds, and thank Jesus I actually noticed something to justify it. Alcohol!

Bless you snake nose.

"Sir?" she asks, looking at me with her big black irises.

"I notice that some of us are more prone to celebrate than others..." I say suggestively, "Some people prefer sake."

Her eyes widen. "I-I'm sorry, Orochimaru-sama. Konoha is weak, and me and the team wanted to celebrate with what we got from Tanzaku."

I took a long pause to 'study' her. Actually fuck being Danzo. I can be the creepiest man alive and be allowed to because I'm Orochimaru, and I don't die to a whiny kid.

She gulped, so I got to the point. "Hrm. That will have to be acceptable. We shall have words, but for now..." I studied her face more closely. "Inform me of how your team is operating."

She took out a flute. Ohhhh-it's Tayuya! Forgot about her. "Right. Um. Well we've been practicing with Kidōmaru's curse seal to see if my flute can slow people down while he does his super fast web move. Um... Sakon and Ukon also want to practice splitting off from one another, but it's dangerous and requires too much of the curse seal's chakra to get working. Isn't it odd that more chakra enhances abilities? Anyway, Jirōbō is off doing his thing somewhere. I'm pretty sure he is off training with Kimimaro."

... Wait, what the fuck!?

"Tayuya, can you remind me of how old you are?"

She looked surprised, "I'm 18, duh. Why would you even want to know that?"

what the FUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK

A/N: Hey guys. This'll mostly be a late night, fun thing to write for practice.