Author's note: I've had this sitting on my computer for a while, but never uploaded it for some reason. This is a songfic in which Yamato angsts over Taichi. I appologize for the angst being so... stereotypical. Anyways, the song used is Nsync's "I Drive Myself Crazy" but I used the European title, "Thinking of You" because I think it sounds nicer.
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon. I don't own Nsync or the song I used.
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Lying in your arms, so close together / Didn't know just what I had
Now I toss and turn, 'cause I'm without you / How I'm missing you so bad
Memories of the times that were lost to him were clouding Yamato's mind as he tried to fall asleep. Memories of being happy, of warmth, and of someone's arms. I didn't realize how important and comforting it really was to know those arms would be waiting to surround me, that those hands would be waiting to sooth me when I need them to be. He turned over, but wasn't anymore inclined to fall asleep than he had been before. It wasn't because he couldn't get comfortable. It was because his thoughts and his pain wouldn't leave him alone, and because he felt so unnaturally cold. Cold because he was alone, emotionally and physically.
Where was my head, where was my heart / Now I cry alone in the dark
He turned over again, still unable to get far enough away from what he had done to sleep. I only said that because I was afraid, but that doesn't change the fact that I did say what I said, or that it's unforgivable. It doesn't make the guilt go away. He wrapped his arms around himself, in a sort of self embrace, but he still felt alone, and the full impact what had really happened began sinking in. As it did, and as his guilt continued to grow, tears slid down his cheeks, leaving behind them a thin line of silver down each side of his face.
I lie awake, I drive myself crazy / I drive myself crazy thinking of you
Made a mistake when I let you go baby / I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do / Wanting you the way that I do
Yamato drew a hand up to his face to wipe his eyes, but found it meaningless, because it neither stopped the tears or made him feel any better. It made him feel even worse, in fact, because it reminded him of all the times his tears had been dried by gentle hands and tender words. It made him realize how truly wrong it felt to be so alone, his only friends the warm memories of something he had lost in one breath. I can't take back what I said, and can't erase your tears or your pain. I only wish I could have known how deeply my harsh and impulsive words would affect you, and much pain they would cause. I didn't realize how much I might miss you if you left me.
I was such a fool, I couldn't see it / Just how good you were to me, oh yes
You confessed your love, undying devotion / I confessed my need to be free
He hadn't known how much he had blinded himself to what had been right in front of him for so long. You were all I needed, and I couldn't see that. I was too afraid to. All you did was point that out to me. It was such a simple phrase, but it was unimaginably powerful, laced with all kinds of meaning. It had come from Taichi's lips so naturally; he had said it so unpretentiously that Yamato had been taken aback by it before he had felt any kind of fear. Taichi had smiled, obviously expecting Yamato to react in such a way. But he hadn't expected to be rejected. He shouldn't have been. Yamato remembered what he had said, the words still fresh in his mind. I told him it was wrong, that I could never feel that way about him. I said such horrible things. He shut his eyes tightly, trying to erase the words he'd said from his mind.
And now I'm left with all this pain / I've only got myself to blame
He opened his eyes halfway after a minute or so of wishing away his cruel and untrue words, and after finding it impossible to rid himself of them. I guess it's only appropriate that I should be unable to rid myself of these words. As he turned over a third time, it became apparent to him that he would just feel more guilty if he were able to free himself what he had said. If I was able to shake those words off, they would lose their meaning. If I'm ever free of them, it means I've stopped caring.
I lie awake, I drive myself crazy / Drive myself crazy thinking of you
Made a mistake, let you go baby / I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do / Wanting you the way that I do
Yamato drew his legs up to his chest, wrapping one arm around his knees. I'll never stop caring. I'll never be able to stop thinking of him either. He bent his head down, resting his chin in the nook his collarbone made in his chest. His mind was filled with regret and desires that were never to be fulfilled because of misguided words. I said things out of fear, thinking I was doing the right thing, only to discover when it was too late that I was making a mistake. I didn't know then that I would find myself wishing for nothing more than for you be here next to me now.
Why didn't I know it (How much I loved you baby)
Why couldn't I show it (If I had only told you)
When I had the chance / Oh I had the chance, oh
He straightened his legs out, wondering why it had taken him so long to realize how he really felt. I've been slow to catch on to things, to realize who was right and who was wrong, but it always seemed to work out before now. Why had he acted so rashly? He could hardly expect Taichi to be willing to give him another chance, to make amends. I'm not sure I deserve it. I shouldn't have said it was wrong, I should have asked why he said it. He'd been too caught up in shock to actually think, and because of this had destroyed his chances. The feeling of regret deepened in his stomach, gnawing away at him. He felt tears welling up again, and did nothing to stop them. It didn't matter. I had my chance, I did. And I let it slip past me, I let myself make the worst mistake of my life so far. He rolled over again, feeling restless.
I drive myself crazy / Oh so crazy, oh...
He ran a hand through his hair, biting back sobs, completely unable to escape what he'd done. He didn't think he ever would, and wondered if he'd ever be able to truly be happy again. He couldn't see how, not then at least. He sat up, a whirlwind of horrible ideas and images flying through his mind. He wondered if he'd even be able to be friends with Taichi now, if Taichi would be able to look at him now. He tried to think of a way to win back Taichi's confidence, but failed to see how he could. Everything he saw in his mind hurt, everything he thought of seemed hopeless. He fell back into the sheets of his bed, now more sure than ever that he'd never escape this.