Mario's Epic Christmas
Winter in the Mushroom Kingdom was a sight to behold. For one season a year the pleasant green grass becomes covered with snow, and the white-dotted mushrooms become dotted with white snow on top of their white dots. The streets and walkways become exuberant with mushroom citizens dancing and caroling, and decorating their town with stellar lights and charms. After all, much like in our own world, Winter in the Mushroom Kingdom hosts the most beloved holiday of them all; Hanukkah. Psyche! I mean Christmas of course. But there is one person, who year after year, has never been able to get into the Christmas spirit; nobody knows why, but the Mushroom Kingdom's most notorious hero Mario, has always been quite the Scrooge.
One such snowy-ass day, as the solstice was drawing near, Luigi was out frolicking in the snow, while his grouchy older brother Mario remained inside having a beer and lounging around on the couch. Luigi skipped and slid his way over to the window nearest Mario. To get his brother's attention, he used the frost on the glass pane to his advantage, and with his finger wrote the words "Mario, come outside!". Even if Mario took the time to read the message, which was backwards from his perspective, he was much too glum and full of angst to come out and join Luigi. To make it worse, Luigi started banging on the glass and mouthing the words he had just wrote, pointing to them frantically. Mario's anger flared and he tossed his now empty beer bottle at the window. Despite having downed a few, the aim was impeccable; although the bottle managed to go right through the window, breaking it in the process, and knocking Luigi back a few feet. Mario was more relieved to have Luigi halted than angry at the broken window.
Luigi lay there for a moment, a piece of the broken window sticking out of his forehead. He then got up and shook off the blow; Luigi was pretty accustomed to being stabbed, smacked, hit, cloncked, smashed, squashed, and falling into bottomless pits thanks to his many adventures and many more times he bothered Mario. He continued skipping merrily, into the doorway of Mario's house, where an irritated Mario turned to face him.
"Hey Mario," he said as he burst inside, "How come you hate Christmas?"
"Because, Luigi..." Mario began, but then a forlorn feeling overcame him and he decided not to dwell any further.
"Mario, you have to finish your sentences when someone asks you a question. How come you hate Christmas?"
"Shut up Luigi! Get out of my house Luigi!"
So Luigi turned back and skipped back out through the door, seemingly completely oblivious to Mario's bitter outlook. He waddled quite a ways away from his brother's house, towards the town where he heard jolly Christmas music playing. He looked up to the sun behind the white misty clouds and declared to himself, "I'm going to make Mario love Christmas!"
And so Luigi started on his journey; he decided to get all of Mario's best friends, or at least the people he hated the least, to all come together to give Mario a Christmas he'd never forget. The first stop on his quest was to visit the smallest, yet toughest of Mario's friends, Big Pop Daddy King Toad, who was hanging out in his Shroom house as usual. He asked Toad for some of his street wisdom on what Christmas was all about.
"Yo dawg," Big Pop Daddy King Toad said, "The most important part of Christmas, by far, is the tree. A big tree is like the big dick of the whole holiday season, nawah'm sayin'?"
"Gee," Luigi responded, "I guess you're right big Pop Daddy King Toad. A big tree is important."
"Check it dawg, I'mma take my lumberjack axe into the Mushroom Woods and find the biggest tree they got. It gon' be a Christmas to remember!"
Luigi nodded in thanks and set off on his next leg of the journey as Big Pop Daddy King Toad went to do that. He ventured a few acres over to the other edge of town, where a grungy old garage lay. He skipped through the open doorway where he noticed an old yellow bike shaking up and down. After a few "Wheh" and "Waha"s, the bouncing stopped and Wario and Waluigi stuck their heads up. They noticed Luigi, and when him and Waluigi met eyes, Waluigi let out a "Whehhhhh..."
"Hi Wario! Hi Waluigi!" Luigi said, trying to ignore the thought that they were most likely naked behind that bike.
"What do you want!" Wario demanded.
"Ummm... welll..." Luigi started, "Mario isn't feeling very jolly for the holidays. I wanna get everyone together to give Mario a big happy Christmas celebration!"
"Does he have a tree?" Waluigi said while twirling his moushache.
"Big Pop Daddy King Toad is working on that."
"I know!" Wario boomed. "How about we bring everyone Christmas themed onesies!"
"Yeah," Waluigi added, "We'll make sure yours has a buttf flap Wario, so I can finish pleasuring you!"
Waluigi's creepiness was enough to unsettle even the ditsy Luigi, and so he didn't stick around to ask Wario why he'd put aside his love of money and greed to provide everyone a Christmas themed onesie. Perhaps it was just the holiday joy in the air, or perhaps Wario's love for fuzzy one-pieced pajama garments exceeded his love for cash and treasure. Whatever the reason, Luigi ultimately decided to leave with an "Okay, thanks!" as the Wario Bros went to go do that.
Next Luigi ventured to the center of the Kingdom, to Peach's castle, to ask one of Mario's most important friends-and-maybe-more-than-that, Princess Peach herself. for a contribution to his cause. He found the bodacious blond monarch of the kingdom standing on the balcony of her castle. Wearing a dress with a fur-lined mini skirt and semi-transparent leggings; and outfit sure to draw the eyes of every man, woman, and child in the kingdom. Luigi approached her and gave a quick explanation of the situation.
"Hmm... how to brighten Mario's holidays..." she thought out loud, "Maybe I can kiss him on the nose. Maybe I can get kidnapped by Bowser so he can go on a big adventure... Oh! I know!" she snapped her fleece-gloved fingers, "I can have him eat my cookies!"
"Um, you mean you're going to bake him Christmas cookies?" Luigi inquired.
"Oh! Right...Christmas cookies. I'll bake him Christmas cookies to eat out of me... I mean, off of me... well, he'll be eating cookies somehow."
Luigi gave her a bow in thanks, and left with a big smile as Peach went to go do that. Luigi was proud; his plan was turning out pretty good so far. But he had one more stop to make; no Christmas would be complete without Mario and Luigi's good friend and trusty steed Yoshi! So he hopped on a ferry and departed it at the little island that Yoshi resided on. He found Yoshi's house; the bundle of trees was decorated with strung up lights and tinsel just like much of the rest of the kingdom. Luigi ran into Yoshi and gave him the rundown.
"Yoshi!" boasted Yoshi, which translated to something along the lines of "I know! I can dress up just like Santa and bring Holiday cheer to Mario!"
"But Yoshi!" Luigi pointed out, "You don't have a Santa Suit... do you?"
"Yoshi!" Yoshi yoshi'd in response. He then walked over to Birdo who was staying with him, and stuck a tongue into its gaping snout. When he pulled out his tongue, he also pried out a very moist and slightly slimy red hat and coat, closely resembling one old St. Nick would wear.
"I guess that will do!" Luigi said. He gave Yoshi a thumbs up as he ran back to catch the ferry and left Yoshi to do that. With that, Luigi was sure he had enough pledges to throw a Christmas party to remember; even enough to light up the heart of the humbug Mario. Now he just needed to get things prepared and suprise Mario on Christmas morning.
Mario was in his house, working on another bottle of beer, when Luigi, so thrilled with his accomplishments, cam bursting in. Mario didn't even have time to ask what was going on before the speeding Luigi knocked him off his feet. The impact caused Mario to bounce out the window that he broke earlier, and he rolled and tumbled all the way into the open cellar door. Immediaetly after hitting the ground, Mario saw the heavy cellar door collapse close with a thud. As Luigi ran off merrily, Mario was cut off from the sun and left in the dank, dark cellar.
"Luigi..." Mario called. "Luigi? LUIGI! Let me out of here!"
Mario started banging on the door, and he continued for several minutes. Soon the minutes turned to hours, and hours turned to days. After seven long, cold, miserable dark days for Mario, the sun came up to start the most holy day of the year, Christmas day. Mario was starving, dehydrated, and freezing, with icicles hanging off his moustache when the door opened.
The light hurt Mario's eyes at first, but he looked up to see Luigi, grinning ear to ear at the top of the cellar entrance.
"Mario!" His brother called, "Merry Chri-"
Luigi's greeting was interrupted by Mario's fist flying forward and halfway down Luigi's throat. Mario thrust his arm, dislodging it from Luigi's throat and sending Luigi flying out the cellar. Mario jumped out to join him. When he landed, he could barely hold himself up. His clothes were dirty and slightly tattered from banging against the wall for seven days, and he could tell he had lost some weight. He looked like some sort of feral animal out in the snow. Before he could get back to pounding Luigi, he was distracted by a massive, collective voice saying "Merry Christmas!"
He looked over to the plot of land where his house used to be. Instead of his humble little shack, he saw a gigantic Christmas tree decorated with balls and bells and tinsel, and beneath it a huge crowd of Mushroom Kingdom denizens participating in jolly and extremely gay festivities. Among the hundreds of mushroom people, he saw Big Pop Daddy King Toad with his lumberjack ax resting proudly over his shoulder. He saw Wario in Waluigi with the butt flaps to their Christmas elf onesies wide open. He saw Peach, wearing nothing but edible baked goodies over her bare body. And in the center of it all, there was Yoshi, dressed in full Kringle red, sporting a big fake beard and carrying a great big bag.
"Merry Christmas Mario!" Luigi said, his voice muffled by the snow he was face down in. Mario looked down at Luigi, then back up to the crowd again, and then back down at Luigi again. Mario grabbed Luigi and held him up by the straps of his overalls.
"You got a tree…" he started.
"Yep!" Luigi was proud.
"And Christmas onesies…."
"Mmm-hm!"
"…Peach wearing nothing but baked goods?"
"Absolutely!"
"…and HIM?" Mario pointed to Yoshi with his full Santa getup, looking at the two with jolly eyes.
"You know it!" Surely, Luigi thought Mario was dazzled by the Christmas wonder that he saw. Mario tightened his grip.
"Luigi… do you remember what happened?"
"Nope!" Luigi responded, blissfully unaware.
"Twenty years ago? On this very day?"
"I don't think so…"
"When you invited HIM into our house from outside?" he gestured to a still oblivious Yoshi, "and HE came in and raped our mother?"
Mario threw Luigi down into the snow and bolted towards Yoshi. Yoshi didn't realize anything was amiss until Mario was on top of him, putting him in a headlock. The two bolted, bounced, and rolled around the scene. The many attendees were startled by the kerfuffle and started screaming and running around in panic. When the dust settled the feral and mentally broken Mario had the Santa Impersonating Yoshi beaten into submission and hopelessly trapped in a headlock.
"Oh yeah! Now I remember!" Luigi said as it all came back to him. The crowd was still in a state of pandemonium.
"You wanted me to have a Merry Christmas?" Mario shreiked at Luigi, voice cracking with anger. Luigi looked on, still completely oblivious and asympathetic to Mario's anger. "Well, let's see how Merry of a Christmas mom had!" Mario unzipped his overalls. Yoshi's eyes widened. The party attendees bolted forward, backward, left and right, running into each other and tripping over everything. The baked goods that covered Peach's body were knocked off. Wario and Waluigi engaged in intercourse. The enormous Christmas tree that Big Pop Daddy King Toad procured gave way, shaking the earth as it made contact with the groud, and certainly claiming the lives of several mushroom people. Gingerbread cookies and torn onesies and broken ornaments littered the ground as Mario thrust forward.
Jolly Christmas music started playing, as the air was filled with the screams of the imposter Yoshi Santa.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
The End.