The Slightly Laughable Second Life of Riley Biers
Forks, Washington Police Station
Randy and Joanne Biers wearily sat in the office chairs opposite Charlie Swan's desk. For a middle-aged couple with squeaky-clean criminal records and a son who had, until 1 year ago, been a model young member of society, they had spent far too long in this building.
Chief Swan sighed quietly and steepled his fingers on his desk.
"Well," he began, "I am sad to say that I have new information on Riley's whereabouts."
Immediately, Joanne began to sob quietly. She knew in her heart that her son, her precious college student boy, was probably not going to come home, but the official conformation hit her emotionally like a sledgehammer.
Randy closed his eyes and rubbed them with his right hand, willing tears not to come. Not yet.
"He is dead." Mr. Biers said this as more of a statement than an inquiry.
"Yes… I am sorry to say that Riley is dead. But, he was not dead the entire year that he was missing. In fact, he was killed only yesterday," Charlie said gently.
Joanne stopped her shaking and slowly met her husband's equally incredulous gaze.
"He was murdered just yesterday?" Randy said in a dangerously soft voice. "How the hell did that happen?"
Charlie gave them a comforting smile.
"You see, Riley was turned into a vampire – yes, they do exist, in fact, my Bella is dating one! – by a violent blood-sucker named Victoria. She used him to lead build an army of newborns – that is, unstable, powerful, and thirsty new vamps – and she tricked him into thinking she was in love with him in order to gain his trust and information on the Forks areas…"
Randy Biers' mouth had fallen open and Joanne's eyes were open so wide they had taken on an insect-like quality.
"… and getting to his death, there was a sort of vampire-on-vampire brawl, if you will, yesterday in a clearing outside of town.
The werewolves- oh yes, they also are real… the Quileute Indians with special shape shifting blood- also aided in the battle to slaughter those bloodsucker babies.
Most of the newborns were murdered immediately, but your boy and his Mistress-of-the-Damned gal found my Bella and her boyfriend Edward (the vampire I mentioned earlier).
Your son was violently attacked by Edward and then ripped into literal sparkly shreds by a werewolf while Victoria watched in disinterest," Charlie concluded with a cheesy smile under his equally comical mustache.
At this point, the Biers had no idea what the hell to say or think. Finally, after several minutes of silence, Randy spoke.
"Swan… are you shitting me?"