Hi guys!
Here is a little Chaos grumpiness to brighten your Christmas. Those who have been reading Chaos & Kadaj will recognize the version of Chaos here and some of the other AU elements, but it should be readable even to those who have never read Chaos & Kadaj. I thought about posting it as a crossover with How the Grinch Stole Christmas, but decided it is really more of a ffvii au fic. Maybe.
This bit of amusement comes to you without the benefit of a beta-reader, so my apologies for any errors. Please feel free to comment.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Chaos shifted a wing to ease it out from underneath the heedless behind that had deposited itself a little too close. More pajama-clad bodies piled themselves at his feet, and an overgrown black cat lounged on the other sofa.
Watch a movie, Chaos. It'll be fun, they said. When had being scrunched up with a bunch of human offspring ever been fun?
There had better be lots of blowing things up in this movie. He wasn't all that fond of the human pastime to begin with. Why watch make-believe people do things when you could be out doing it yourself? But he might be inclined to forgive the whole issue if there were enough on-screen explosions.
"What are we watching, anyway?" he asked the room at large.
"It's a classic Christmas movie." The tadpole snuggled up closer to him, entirely disregarding any notion of personal space.
Christmas movie? Whose idea was this? Christmas was that smarmy holiday with all the good tidings and cheer. Horrid. Although… there was the trampling of people to get the best Christmas presents. That was some comfort. Too bad he also hated crowds. Yep, no doubt about it, Christmas ranked up there as one of his least favorite—hated, even—holidays.
And now they wanted him to watch a Christmas-themed movie? Weren't there any other forms of torture they could have chosen?
"Don't worry so much, Chaos," Tifa added from the doorway. "I'm sure you'll find you have something in common with the protagonist." She rubbed her swollen midsection before turning to go through the door Cloud was holding open for her.
Sure, they got to escape and go out on a date. See if he ever agreed to babysit for them again. Not that he had ever actually agreed. He still wasn't sure how this had happened. He wasn't exactly the babysitting type. Not that the kids really needed babysat—they were all somewhere in their preteens now, and as he understood it Marlene had been left on her own when she was far younger than this—in a bar, no less. Apparently that was no longer considered acceptable parenting.
Which would be all fine and dandy… if he weren't somehow roped into the middle of things.
Roxey handed him a bowl of caramelized popcorn as the opening credits began to play. It wasn't a cinnamon roll, but perhaps it would make the whole ordeal endurable. Maybe.
All hopes for an explosion-riddled action flick died the moment the opening credits began to roll. A cartoon? And Tifa had the audacity to say he might be able to relate? Well, he'd survived facing off with Sephiroth, Omega, Bahamut, and countless other monstrosities over the last millennium, surely he could endure one cartoon without being any worse for the wear. Right? He stuffed another fistful of popcorn in his mouth.
The credits were followed by singing. Sing-songy singing. Ugh! Was there any way to extricate himself from this untenable situation? Maybe stage an emergency, forcing Tifa and Cloud to return early? A fire would probably do…
The singing subsided—FINALLY!—as he mentally elaborated on his escape plot. The childish illustrations, no less hideous, continued to dance across the screen as another character was introduced with a darker tone. The narrator posited his theories on what was wrong with the dour-faced green being. Who asked him anyways? A heart two-sizes too small? That wasn't even a thing. Either a heart was big enough to pump the necessary amount of blood or it wasn't.
For all that this Grinch was a hideous shade of green, Chaos could sympathize with his reactions to the residents of Whoville. They sounded all too like some of the humans he had the misfortune to know. Not Valentine, of course, but the others.
The Grinch proceeded to dress in red and commandeer the dog, Max, for his nefarious plan. Chaos wondered randomly what Kadaj's guard hound would look like with an antler strapped to her head. He glanced to where she was still stretched out full-length on the other sofa. One of her paws flexed in her sleep, revealing ebony claws. Yeah, he'd like to see someone try to harness her to a sleigh. Not that he was about to try it—he valued his limbs far too much for that.
Decorations, presents, feasts, and all other manner of rhyming items disappeared into the Grinch's bags. Right down to the last can of Who hash. Chaos leaned forward in his chair, silently rooting for the success of this villainous mission. He held his breath as the little blue-eyed, blonde Who-child woke and almost spoiled it all, only letting it out when the Grinch's ingenious lie sent her back to her bed none-the-wiser.
What? More singing? Nasty little Whos, foiling the Grinch's planning and scheming. How dare they be unaffected by his theft of every holiday item in Whoville?
The sleigh teetered on a snow-covered mountain peak. The Grinch had an epiphany. Chaos leaned forward again to see what the Grinch would do with his new realization.
The ending credits rolled to the sound of singing. Huh. Chaos leaned back into the couch and the room came back into focus. Roxey was snuggled fast asleep under a blanket at the base of the couch with her head resting across his feet. Denzel occupied one end of the couch with a sketch pad on his lap. On the other side of the couch, Marlene was still infringing on his personal space. Chaos didn't do cozy. The tadpole caught his eye and proffered the nearly empty bowl of caramel popcorn.
Munching on another handful of the sugary stuff, Chaos reflected that maybe the evening hadn't been so bad after all.
He rubbed his chest. Nonsense. That stuff about hearts growing was pure fantasy fiction. He glared at remaining kernels at the bottom of the bowl. It must be the popcorn giving him heartburn. Yep, that was all it was.
Still… He rubbed at his chest again.
Nah.