Disclaimer: I doubt this kind of literature would even interest much less threaten J.K. Rowling enough to result in a lawsuit, but for respect's sake, I hereby concur that I am merely joking around and definitely not making any money at it - but the stupid ravenclaw is all mine.
Plot – The twins decide to have a 'Prank A Teacher' challenge. Snape accidentally gets slipped a cheerfulness draught. Setting during the fifth book.
Rating – k+
Warning – Severus Snape is seriously OOC in this story
Feature Presentation…
Prank 560… Toady's antidote
The night wore on infernally vicious with little sleep and horrid dreams. The cramping which had resulted from the Dark Lord's cat play the previous evening had all but murdered him in his sleep. Consequently Professor Snape had risen decidedly ill humored and ill rested. The light intruding from the open window assaulted his black eyes the instant he opened them and he briefly wondered what the point was in living in a dark and gloomy dungeon if one could not at least count on a shocking aurora-free awakening. Once thoroughly shocked however, he rose nursing his almost arthritically bent and bruised body to the showers before utilizing all his determination to satisfactorily billow his way to breakfast with his usual long strides.
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to him four floors up, a very secret conversation was transpiring.
"Oh come on George. You can think of something better than putting a tap-dancing jinx on McGonagall's shoes. I mean the woman does need to 'let her hair down,' I give you that, but..."
"Well you're the one who came up with the 'Prank A Teacher' challenge Fred. You give me a better one. Really, unless you intend to slip Snape a cheerfulness draught I can't see how you could do much better."
Fred stopped in his tracks, paling slightly. "That's the most bloody brilliant idea you've ever had George! The… Marauders would be jealous," he sputtered quite in awe.
"You're going for it?" George looked thoughtful for a moment. "This needs planning Fred. Breakfast starts in…" (They took a simultaneous look at their watches both finishing off with…) "Exactly eighteen minutes!"
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Back in the Great Hall Snape had just arrived at his seat between McGonagall and Madam Hooch. He scowled at both of them by way of greeting and took to scanning the house tables while he waited to begin his meal. When the menus appeared he riffled through his resenting the fact that today was a Monday and he would have to endure five days of dunderhead marathons.
He did not notice the oddity of one redheaded twin appearing at the Gryffindor table without the other or the innocent looking two-way mirror ring the boy wore as he inconspicuously scratched his face and spoke at the same time.
"Toad sitting two seats to DADA's right."
"Excuse me?" Harry quarried with a raised brow. Five years of the twins had taught him the subtle signs of an explosive moment not far behind.
"Mind your own business Scarhead," Fred said not really meaning it.
"Come on! Spill. I think we all can keep a secret," Harry whispered while he, Ginny, Ron, and Neville all instinctively leaned in closer to Fred. Hermione was too busy reading some large tome to notice anything amiss which they all wordlessly agreed was for the best.
"Toad is a code name for the Dungeon Bat, and DADA's code name for our good headmaster."
"Why'd you name Snape Toad? Seems to me that's more fitting for Umbridge," Ron observed.
George literally waltzed in and plopped down next to Ron, flinging an arm around his shoulder. "Because little brother, the ever metaphoric 'Toad' holds great meaning."
Fred took on the voice of a guru, "It signifies change my good son. And change is what you are about to see in three, two, one…"
Six heads snapped up to look at the staff table just in time to see Snape lowering his goblet and slowly turning a dreamy smile towards McGonagall. Six mouths simultaneously dropped open. Though two of them had already anticipated exactly what might happen, the sight was still entirely, shockingly, and unbelievably unprecedented.
Snape continued to smile as he slowly rolled his head to his other side where he made eye contact with Hooch. She was trying to concentrate on chopping up her steak, but kept looking up at her colleague, curiosity written clearly across her face. This normally would have bothered Snape, but he looked on with complete cordiality, even affection.
"Okay! What just happened?" Harry asked completely bewildered.
The twins exchanged wide eyed looks and burst into twin fits of laughter. Both almost collapsed clutching at their sides and wiping at unstoppable tears.
The other four looked completely confused until Fred finally got a hold on himself.
"We… slipped him a cheerfulness draught!?"
"You did What..!?" Ginny gasped. A fresh burst of giggles erupted at their sister's incredulity, and while the twins tried fruitlessly to free themselves of the handicap which such merriment inevitably causes, Harry, Ron, Ginny and Neville looked up speechlessly at their potions master, not quite believing what they were seeing. Snape was enthusiastically eating his meal while amiably speaking to Madam Hooch who had an almost apprehensive look on her face.
Harry turned towards the twins grinning, "How?"
After yet another chortling episode George began, "Well, we received this particular stroke of brilliance from the merciful fates only eighteen minutes prior to breakfast at which point…"
"We acted…"
"I went straight to the kitchens to forestall our ever pleasing house elves…"
"While I went straight to the Toad's private stores…"
"Bringing me back the main ingredient…"
"I continued to the Great Hall for a little seating arrangement espionage…"
"And it was only too easy to slip my hand over the designated goblet. With a little security distraction to the elf who was preparing the drinks, and vuola! Toady never knew what hit him." This time all six accomplices in crime began giggling.
"What's all the ruckus about?" Hermione asked as she closed her book and reached for the pumpkin juice.
"Careful Mione. The drinks round here just might be spiked," Ron laughingly commented while giving his brother a nudge.
Hermione narrowed her eyes, "And just what is Ronald talking about?" She asked looking straight at the guilty parties.
"Ask us no questions…"
"And we will tell you no lies." With that both Weasels rose and left the Great Hall arm in arm.
"Well what did you mean Ron?"
"I was just joking 'Mione. Anyway we don't have time to argue. Potions starts in fifteen minutes and this is one class I don't want to miss."
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Walking back to the dungeons Snape found himself whistling some ridiculous tune or other he had never had the displeasure of hearing. That was quite odd he reflected. He had never felt like whistling before. Such an outward show of delight was downright idiotic. What was happening to him? Was he losing his mind? It was true he was master of deception, but only a man like Dumbledore could, or would, play double agent to senility and sensibleness. Oh for Salazar's sake! He had done with himself. He would simply stop whistling: matter closed.
He arrived and began preparing for class as usual, but when the students began filing through the double doors he found himself for the second time that day smiling at those around him. His Students! It was one thing to smile at McGonagall or Hooch: that was perfectly fitting being that they were his colleagues, a little strange perhaps but not entirely out of the ordinary. But his students! He tried to put on his best Snapish scowl but felt it increasingly ebbing away. By the time everyone was seated he looked on with a reasonably amiable face gracing all in the vicinity; even, heaven forbid, Longbottom. Somewhat mortified, he saw twenty odd faces, some from his own house, looking at him with something akin to astonishment. He tried lashing out at them.
"Good morning class. Today we will attempt the antidote to the draught of the Living Death." He paused, his face wrought with confusion, before turning and flicking his wand at the blackboard, the class's directions scribbling themselves away furiously.
"Did he just say Good morning?" A hysterical Ron sputtered.
"It looks like he's valiantly fighting some kind of internal battle," said Harry amusedly.
"And failing miserably," Ron sniggered.
"Alright! That's it. I want to know what's going on around here. Don't give me that look. You two are hiding something and I want to know what it is!" Hermione whispered vehemently.
"Now Hermione listen, you have to promise us you're not going to explode or expose anyone."
"It wasn't even us who did this in the first place."
"Well, what we're trying to say is, Professor Snape accidentally got slipped a mickey this morning during breakfast."
"What!"
"Yeah Hermione, he got slipped a cheerfulness draught," (her eyes widened) "and… well…"
They all looked back to Snape to see him leaning over a desk sweetly advising Stephanie Jordan, of Gryffindor, as to what the best way to chop her ingredients was.
"You see, when you're dealing with seeds of this thickness, it is best to persistently mash them with your knife's flat side before actually chopping: this process, while not described in the text, I find to be particularly effective."
"Thank you," Stephanie said somewhat in pleasant awe.
He gave her a tight lipped smile before billowing to the next table to inspect everyone's progress.
The three boys at Hermione's table, namely Harry, Ron and Neville, turned back to their work desperately trying to hide the quaking of their shoulders as they silently chortled. Hermione could only give a stupid stare and nearly missed the allotted time of Joshua root inclusion in her potion… nearly.
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By the time lunch came round Snape was thoroughly furious with himself. He had not docked points from Gryffindor all day and had felt so… odd… that he hadn't even felt the need to favor Slytherins. The points he had awarded had been plentiful and, the Gods cast him down, Gryffindor had even risen in rubies due to his condition. He was sick with himself.
He had given Neville Longbottom encouragement and true guidance causing the boy to nervously but accurately correct the potion. And low and behold, the most ghastly of all his atrocious acts that day, he had actually complimented Potter.
"Very good Potter. You've the potions thickness perfect…ly" he caught himself too late. It felt like an eternity had passed in his head. He just wanted to die. On reflection, he could see nothing that the boy could have done would have made him feel better, but that clear – eyed innocently surprised look he gave made Snape want to strangle him, or himself.
He sat brooding, but then felt that maddening itch to smile intruding on his pleasant comfortable scowl. He scowled even more at the thought, but then couldn't help but give in.
However, being the paranoid spy that he was, the wheels began turning in his head. Had someone purposefully done this to him? Had someone knowingly confounded him to take him out as a spy: someone who knew his loyalties lay with Dumbledore and the order? He immediately shot a glance at Umbridge who was smiling sweetly at professor Sprout, but instead of concentrating on suspicions and conspiracies he almost gagged in laughter at her toad like appearance. He had heard students calling her the like (those had been the only rule breakers he hadn't chastened, Gryffindors and Slytherins alike). He couldn't help now agreeing with them emphatically and too openly for his own liking. Like some ridiculous school boy he tried desperately to stop sputtering in amusement.
"My dear Severus, please share with me what you find so funny," Dumbledore's twinkling eyes were observing him curiously over his golden spectacles.
Snape straightened immediately, clearing his throat and presenting himself in classic Snape form, "Nothing of importance Headmaster." As he continued eating he resolved on speaking to Dumbledore alone that afternoon. If someone was manipulating him it would be best for Dumbledore to know. It was loathsome for him to contemplate, but years of being a spy, and his misspent youth, had taught him such self reservation kept out of embarrassment could cost someone's life, or worse the victory of the cause. He didn't know how wrong he was.
As he headed for the doors of the Great Hall some stupid Ravenclaw sixth year made the public display of his life. The student had been wearing his trousers down around his hips in some ludicrous muggle style… only he over did it. The garment had slipped too low to agree with its wearers perambulation. The boy tried in vain to keep his balance by moving his legs rapidly in succession, sadly to no avail. It looked for a moment as if the misguided youth was trying to pull off some strange modern dance before everyone realized what was happening. Being that the unfortunate boy was quite portly; when he did finally surrender to gravity it seemed as if the very foundations of Hogwarts had met the Day of Judgment. There was an all mighty quake of the room at large and roars of laughter erupted from every corner of it. None so loud and rich as the potions master's, however. The boy's taunting applause died down freakishly fast in the face of the professor's unhidden hysteria. He hadn't even tried to hide it this time; it would have only been futile.
"On your feet boy," He chuckled.
The Ravenclaw stumbled to his feet clutching at his pants as he stood giving Snape a horrified look.
Snape only made his way past the terrified youth too genuinely tickled to care what he usually would do about such an outrageous breach of Hogwarts propriety. Once he was in the corridor, however, he reflected that that was indeed ridiculous of him. It was only a matter of time before he made a slip like this in front of the entire school, in front of Umbridge. He kicked himself.
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As he walked along leisurely (something quite out of Snape character for him) he heard soft mewing. He followed the sound into a discreet corner. Expecting to find someone snogging, he was doubly surprised to see Trelawny sitting sloppily against the wall with a bottle swinging loosely from her hand mumbling to herself.
He crouched down in front of her shaking his head in pity. That was odd: he should have been angry. He shrugged it off as one of his new side effects. "Cybill" he shook her gently.
"Na…no. Yer… mwhmm."
He rolled his eyes at this incoherent reward to his unusual gentleness and made ready to levitate her to her chambers, deciding that if he took her to the hospital wing scandal might strike making it all too easy for Umbridge to make use of her disgusting power. Just as he swishing his wand, her eyes snapped wide open. "Cybill?"
"You have been mislead," she wheezed in a crazed voice that was not her own. Snape recognized the signs of a true vision immediately and stayed silent waiting patiently for her to continue. "You believe that your mission has been compromised by those working against the Order, but you are deceived. Mine eyes see two youths of the same face. They would have you a changed man, to glory over skills used only by school boys. They… they…" Trelawny broke down in a fit of coughing.
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"Well George, this is one for the books. It was executed seamlessly."
"Flawlessly Fred… with exquisite taste."
"And award winning espionage."
"I doubt Snape could have done better himself…"
"Well you see boys, I would have substituted the missing vial in my private stores with one of similar appearance." Fred and George froze upon hearing the dangerous velvety voice of Severus Snape. With their eyes wide they slowly turned round to see the professor breathing down their necks with a smug sneer plastered on his face. "And I would have confounded the elves so they could not bear witness to your delinquency. Furthermore I would not have separated two dominos that seem always to be in tandem. On reflection I did find it strange that you did not breakfast in together."
They were utterly speechless. They hadn't actually been caught in a prank since their second year: they prided themselves on that fact, now for naught.
Oh Snape was enjoying this. His compulsive cheerful state was enhancing his capture of these particular Gryffindors all the more. He was not going to give them a detention: that would only alert Umbridge, and given the present state of things he couldn't aid the ministry's treachery by turning over Potters friends. In this unspoken war something as simple as giving them detention could jeopardize their futures. Instead he would use his creativity, and it would be their little secret. He beckoned them with an elegant pale finger as he turned and billowed his way towards the dungeons, an evil smile spreading over his features.
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The gang at breakfast had been somewhat worried about the twins. They'd all agreed to meet by the lake after classes to revel in the euphoria of Snape's condition, but the guests of honor had never shown. It was now midnight and things were getting tense around the cozy Gryffindor fire. They didn't want to report the missing delinquents because Umbridge would just use that to expel them all. Just then the portrait hole swung open and in came two very distraught looking Weasels. They were both jumped by their five eager friends.
"Oye! Let us breath you lot."
"What happened!?" Asked a worried and perceptive Ginny.
"Well" (they exchanged looks) "we got caught…"
"By… Snape."
"WHAT!" All five of them yelled in their ears.
"You heard him! We got caught by Toady."
"What happened?" Asked Harry not really wanting to know the answer.
"He couldn't formally punish us because the real Toad would find out and expel us…"
"So he did… something else."
It took the better part of two hours to make them confess what had happened. Apparently Snape had gone for the juggler. He had forced veritaserum down their throats and had interrogated them as to where they kept, how much they had sold and how much they had left of WWW products. Furthermore he had escorted them to the hiding place, which was not in Gryffindor tower, and had personally supervised the chucking of all such products.
"The git made us throw out all our own stuff!"
"Then he took us back down to the dungeons and forced some more of that dreadful potion down our throats…"
"And asked us about the history of all the pranks we'd ever pulled…"
There was a pause, then a roar of laughter.
"He wanted to know your history! Ha! Did you show him your prank portfolio?" Asked Ron Jokingly.
"Seeing as how we were under the influence, we had to."
"Hang on; you actually have a prank portfolio?"
"Had little brother, had."
"Priceless years of work…"
"We had timeless pictures of Filch cleaning up our messes, not knowing he was on camera… gone." They had a faraway look in their eyes as they set out for bed. They couldn't take talking about it anymore.
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Down in the privacy of the dungeons, Snape had loosened his cravat, kicked off his boots, swung his feet up on his coffee table and began indulging in a drop of firewhiskey. He was about to give the Weasley portfolio another perusal and couldn't keep the laughter from his eyes. After all, tomorrow would be another cheerless day - why not enjoy it while he had it? With that he took a sip and opened the thick, thick volume. He turned to the last entry and smiled at the title (prank 560…Toady's antidote). Thus ended Snape's most cheerful memory.
Fin
Fun Fact – the scene with the portly ravenclaw tripping over his own pants was taken straight from life. One of the funnier memories from high school.