Sound the bugle now, play it just for me
As the seasons change, remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on, I can't even start
I've got nothing left, just an empty heart
I'm a soldier, wounded so I must give up the fight"
Sound The Bugle by Bryan Adams
I never really given much thought to how I would die, but if asked I would have never dreamed it to be something like this. I would have said that my death would be painless, comfortable, and peaceful. I would miss my friends and family and they would miss me. I would imagine that I had a husband, kids, hell even grandkids by that point. They would be there for me till the very end.
Maybe I died in my sleep, *that seems the most peaceful way to go. I would be sleeping soundly wrapped in the arms of my one and only true love, feeling safe, protected, and surrounded by the smell of honey and freshly washed linen, and all that is him. Of course, life doesn't happen the way you want it to. Curveballs get thrown at you, and sometimes you just can't just catch them and throw them back, and you most certainly just can't avoid them. Life is full of disappointments, some bigger than others, but you have to deal with it no matter how impossible it seems. I never thought my friends would look at me like I was worse than the mud on their shoes, like I didn't deserve the life I'd been given. As if I enjoy being stuck in this abyss praying with every second that this breath would be my last. As though I wanted these needles constantly pumping drugs into my veins instead of the ink for our matching tattoos. Tattoos that reminded us of how we began.
I have learned that you really can go lower than rock bottom. That mental, physical and emotional pain hurt all by themselves but are lethal all at once. I am being sucked into a void that there seems to be no escape from. Because the ones who said they had my back, said they'd always be there if I called... they aren't here.