A/N: This fic popped into my head literally five seconds after I watched the promo for 3.05, and I couldn't stop myself from writing it. The first chapter is Rachel-centric, and the second is Finn-centric
It happens when she least expects it; she's rehearsing "One Hand, One Heart" for the musical, and suddenly it hits her. She's ready. She's always wondered what it would feel like, how she'd know that she was ready for sex, but having no one to talk to about those sorts of things has always meant that she just had to, as Finn puts it, wing it. She can't ask Shelby for help because she's made it very clear that she isn't interested in being anything close to motherly, and her best friend literally hates her, although she has it on good authority that he's going through the same thing. Mercedes is no longer her friend, and she and Tina, while not exactly enemies, are nowhere near close enough to constitute a friendship where talking about sex would be appropriate. She certainly can't go to her fathers, and Ms. Pillsbury is absolutely useless with advice. She's nervous and terrified, and, although she knows that she's ready, she's completely unsure of how to proceed.
She drops the hint by accident one afternoon when she's helping him study for his algebra II test, and it makes things so awkward that she almost decides to leave. She'd expected Finn to jump for joy or something, but instead, when he suddenly picks up the fact that she said the word sex, he goes completely silent and refuses to look at her. She's suddenly terrified that he doesn't want to have sex with her; had she made him wait too long and now that she's ready he's indifferent? This would be so much easier if she had someone, anyone, to talk to about it. She can think of only one mother figure in her life, and, while she is friendly with Carole, she can't simply go up to her and start asking her about sex and telling her about how she's ready to have sex with Finn. The very idea is mortifying to say the least.
It's times like this when she feels the loneliest; the stark contrast between the fake feelings of family that Mr. Schuester insists exist within the club and reality is almost mind boggling. She needs someone to talk to, but there isn't anyone. She spends hours online, googling things like 'sex and emotion' and 'how to know if you are ready' and meticulously erasing her search and browser history to avoid being caught by her fathers, and she wishes that someone could tell her if what she's feeling is normal. She thinks about asking Finn, but she doesn't want to upset him further; she knows they have to talk about it, but every time she thinks about it she just wants to curl up in a ball and cry because she's just so confused. Rachel Berry doesn't get confused; she solves her own problems. She hates this feeling so much.
She loves him so much, more than Broadway and singing or so she sometimes thinks, and she wants to take this step with him. She's ready to take it; she just doesn't know how to talk about it. She finally finds the courage to bring it up with Finn again, this time while he's helping her run lines, and the conversation is less awkward this time; she tells him that she's been thinking about the future, their future to be precise, and when she mentions that she thinks that she might be ready to take the next step with him he doesn't freak out the way he did the first time. But she doesn't tell him how nervous or scared she is about it, or why she feels the way she does. Instead she leaves it at she's ready, and they go back to rehearsing until it devolves, as it usually does, into making out on the floor.
It's her idea the first time; she asks him how he'd feel about an intimate dinner date at home instead of going out, and he agrees. She hopes that romance and candles and soft lighting will quell her nerves, but instead she starts to dread it. She's not scared that she'll regret it or that it's too soon because she loves him and given the chance she'd spend forever with him; she's terrified of other things, like that once he sees her completely naked he won't find her attractive or that she's too small and he won't fit. She's felt him, in the midst of intense make out sessions, and she's well aware of that fact that her boyfriend's penis size is quite proportional to his body. She knows that it will probably hurt, even though she's done gymnastics and dance her whole life and all the websites say that it will help; their size difference is frightening to her for the first time, and she worries that maybe it will be off putting for Finn too. She suddenly begins to wonder if those fears mean that she isn't really ready because in all her research and all the romantic comedies she's watched the women aren't concerned about those sorts of things. But she soldiers on because she's convinced that if she can just let herself relax.
When it all falls apart, a part of her almost dies. Dinner is beautiful, and they talk about the future, which is wonderful; it's the actual intimacy that causes problems. She lets him lead her upstairs, and they're on his bed, with him hovering over her, when it happens. He pauses, and she can almost feel things crumbling; his question echoes in her mind, why now, and she knows that he's trying to do the right thing and make sure that she's completely ready for this. When she hesitates, he takes it as a sign that she's changed her mind, and when she tries to pull him back to her, he gently shakes his head; she can see the faint disappointment in his eyes, even though he tries not to show it, and that hurts worse than anything. She has an answer for him, a perfectly good answer that would assure him that she's ready, but because he's trying to be a good boyfriend and not pressure her, he doesn't want to talk about it. He offers to just curl up on the couch with her and watch a movie, but she declines, feigning tiredness, and instead drives herself home, where she runs up to her room and locks the door so that she can cry in private.
She really needs someone to talk to because she's so confused, and there is no way that Google is going to help her now. Who do you turn to when you have no friends and no mother? She isn't sure why she decides to talk to them, after all, they hate her more than Kurt does, and they've always hated her; she supposes it's because they are the most experienced girls she knows when it comes to matters of a sexual nature, but she know the minute she walks into the room it's a mistake. The conversation doesn't even start well, especially when Quinn quickly tells her to wait, referencing the 'Babygate' scenario, and says nothing more on the matter; it's silly, really, the idea that simply because Quinn got pregnant having sex with Noah the same would happen to her if she had sex with Finn. It's just not logical considering that, unlike Quinn, she plans to use contraceptives. Santana's typically cruel and harsh comments make her want to scream because she's sure that while she has not direct knowledge Finn will be a wonderful lover, and she hates the thought of Santana intimate with Finn at all; his experience with Santana is part of the problem because she knows that she doesn't have Santana's body or her experience, and she's so afraid of disappointing him. None of this is helpful, especially the comment from Brittany that sex wasn't a big deal, and she quickly excuses herself, feeling worse than before about everything.
"Rachel?" It's Tina who finds her crying in the girls' bathroom. "Mike says you weren't at rehearsal; he made an excuse for you, but Artie wasn't happy. Are you ok?"
"I'm fine." She's honestly surprised that anyone came to find her, and she assumes that it's only because she missed rehearsal. "I just don't feel well; that's all."
"Is something wrong between you and Finn? Are you fighting? Because you've been acting strange all week, and you never miss rehearsals." Rachel swallows thickly, hoping Tina will just let it go. "I know we aren't really close, but if you need someone to talk to I'll listen."
"I'll be alright." She can see the toes of Tina's shoes outside the stall, and she swallows again; she knows her teammate won't be leaving. "We aren't fighting, Tina; in fact, until I messed everything up, we were wonderful."
"Do you want to maybe talk about it?" She opens the door, frantically rubbing eyes puffy from crying, and Tina offers her a weak smile. "I heard Santana laughing about something in rehearsal, and I thought I heard her say your name and Finn's."
"I'm not surprised; I gave her something to laugh about for days, and I'm sure she will use it to make my life even more miserable." Walking with Tina is awkward, but she tries to be polite and friendly as they duck into an empty classroom.
"Being scared about having sex for the first time isn't strange, Rachel; it doesn't make you weird." Rachel blushes, and it becomes clear that everyone in glee probably knows about it. "I was scared the first time Mike and I had sex, even though I really wanted to."
Sitting on top of a couple of desks, the two girls face each other, and Rachel wonders if this is what it's like to have a real friend to talk to about things; Tina tells her about how she was worried at first because she didn't want to disappoint Mike and how it took them three tries for it to happen. Apparently Mike was a virgin too, and they were both really nervous; Tina tells her that they just talked about it and told each other everything, and that made everything better. Rachel confesses her concerns, all of them, and it comes out in an embarrassing case of word vomit; she's never been more grateful that Tina doesn't judge her for it all.
"Talk to him about it; explain it to him, and I bet he'll understand." She bites her lip, but Tina keeps talking. "I had the same concerns, minus Santana of course, and I just told Mike about it. Turns out he was nervous about similar things, and everything worked out fine."
They talk for a little while longer before Mike pokes his head into the room, sweaty from football practice, and tells Tina that he's ready to leave whenever she is; since practice is over, she knows Finn will probably be somewhere in the school, grabbing his belongings so that he can go to work, and she decides that perhaps she will try to sneak off before Finn finds her because she's not really ready to talk to him about things. It's been awkward since their attempts at intimacy, and while they seem to have gotten a little better she just needs some time to think before she faces him again. So she thanks Mike for making an excuses for her at rehearsal, hurries to her locker, picks up her books, and races out of the school building and to her car. When Finn calls her that night, asking if she's alright because he heard from Mike that she missed rehearsal and he knows that's not normal, she tells him that she's fine and that she'll see him in class tomorrow, and she wishes he didn't sound hurt by the fact that she doesn't want him to come over this afternoon.
Her conversation with Tina and the musical are the only things that occupy her mind, and it's a wonder that she can concentrate on anything at all; she's all but useless in glee club when Finn needs her help figuring out what they will do in order to be ready for Sectionals and when Rory, who insists on calling her 'Finn Hudson's Girlfriend' instead of her name, needs someone to help him with his vocal warm ups, and the only time she can focus in during rehearsals because she makes herself remember that dress rehearsals are important. Finn finally pulls her aside the day before opening night, and they talk for a few minutes before she has to rush off to final dress rehearsal; her eyes go wide when he asks her if she wants to come over to his house after the show because the house is going to be empty. She tells him that she will think about it, almost stuttering, and she stands on her toes to kiss his cheek before hurrying away to rehearsal because she can't be late.
Opening night for her first real musical is the most exciting night of her life so far, and she arrives almost an hour before everyone else because she can't contain it; humming to herself, she puts on her makeup and does her hair, and she's so relieved that for once Santana is actually polite and professional about things. Insecurities and modesty mean she changes into costume quickly behind a screen in the group dressing room, but she doesn't mind because everything is so perfect. Finn greets her backstage before going to find his seat in the front row, and he has a bouquet of pink tulips for her; she kisses him and promises to see him after curtain call, and the moment she steps on stage for the first time, she can see him sitting with her fathers, smiling broadly. The show goes beautifully, with no missed cues and no dropped lines, and they get a standing ovation, which Finn, her fathers, Mike's mother, and Kurt's father start; she finds Finn after curtain call standing by the entrance to the auditorium, and he scoops her up and spins her, kissing her even though her face is covered with too much stage makeup.
She can tell he's surprised to see her when he opens the door, and she's sure he thought she'd be going to dinner with the cast. But she doesn't really want to be with them, not when she's sure Santana has run out of politeness and Kurt is still giving her the death glare, and she really does want to be with Finn. He invites her into the house, murmuring something about how he was just going to order pizza for himself but if she's hungry he'll go get something, but she stands on her toes and kisses him before stepping inside; she tells him that she isn't hungry, which isn't true because all she's had is an apple she ate two hours before the show, and insists that if he's hungry he can order pizza and she'll be fine. Food is the last thing on her mind as she sits on the couch, fiddling with the strings of her cape, and he settles on the couch next to her; the distance he keeps is bothersome, and she assumes that it's because of their last awkward private moment and scoots closer to him.
"Finn, I'm ready for sex, but I'm really nervous and scared. I want to—I love you, and I want to be with you, and I'm ready to take that step, but I'm scared and confused and I have all these feelings."She blurts it out quickly, and it takes Finn a minute to even understand what she's saying; the tears start to fall before she can stop them, and she has to turn away before he sees them.
"Rach, I didn't quite catch that—wait are you crying?" His hands are so gentle, and she bites her lip as he lifts her chin so that she has to look at him. "Baby, don't cry; please don't cry."
"I can't help it. I ruin everything, and I know you probably are angry about the last time, not that I blame you. I'm just so nervous, and I want it to be perfect; I don't want to disappoint you. Like the last time, you wanted to know why now, and I was so nervous that I couldn't even speak, and I wanted to tell you it's because I love you so much and you are the only one I want to be with ever. But—" It's all word vomit, and it comes out so fast that she's losing track of what she wants to say.
"I'd wait, Rachel; I'd wait forever if you weren't ready." He cuts her off, suddenly more assertive than she's ever seen him. "I love you so much, baby, and I want you to be ready, completely ready; I don't want you to have regrets. I couldn't stand it if you had regrets about us. I'm not sure about a lot of things, but I'm sure of this. I love you, and I want everything to be right for you; I don't want to screw this up. I don't want you to regret your first time the way I regret mine. Because I do; I regret my first time every day. It should have been with you. But if it happens, if we do make love, then it will be the first time that it matters; what happened in that hotel room was just sex, and it meant nothing. With you it would mean everything."
"Finn, I—" She's still crying, but the tears aren't from embarrassment anymore. "I really am ready, Finn; I'm just nervous, and I afraid of silly things. I'm so afraid that I'll disappoint you."
"Rachel Berry, you could never, ever disappoint me. Whether you believe it or not, you are the most beautiful and wonderful girl in the entire world to me." He kisses her softly, and she feels herself melting into him.
She confesses her fears, and he shares his; when she discovers that he shares some of her concerns, she feels an overwhelming sense of complete relief. They talk for awhile, and when things finally fall quiet she leans in and whispers that she's ready; he tries to move things upstairs, but she insists they stay where they are, in front of the fire. He leaves the room for a few minutes, and when he returns his arms are full of pillows and blankets; together they make a sort of bed, and she's reminded of that first kiss in the auditorium, wondering if she should tell him that he can touch her if he wants to as they lay on the blankets. His touch is tender and warm, and it leaves her aching for more; when they finally do make love, he's almost impossibly gentle, and he kisses her until the pain ebbs before he begins to move. It's all so imperfectly perfect, and she feels so full of love and happiness that she almost cries again. As they lay under the blankets in the light of the fire, she cuddles closer to him, her hands in his, and she kisses him slowly; the warmth of the fire and their bodies takes over, and everything seems to glow as she looks at him, completely content and peaceful and right where she belongs.