A/n: I've whipped up this nice little fic in about 30 minutes. I got the idea randomly. It's supposed to be humorous and I'm trying to establish something with this. Hopefully, you'll get what I'm saying. It's written from the voice of Draco Malfoy. Enjoy
Hello there, reader. My name is Draco Malfoy and we will be discussing issues dealing with the release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I, like many of you out there, are very excited. Yet, there are important issues I need to address. I must warn you that the following may make you unhappy. Sorry, but the truth hurts. Actually, I'm not very sorry at all. I'm a Malfoy, what do I care about you? Well, let's first discuss me, okay? I must let you know I am J.K. Rowling's Draco Malfoy. I'm Harry 'the boy-who-lived' Potter's (who is also known as Scarhead, Potty, Stupid loser, and various other names) worst enemy. We're in the same year, but I'm a prefect. I'm so much better than that loser. Anyway, most of you out there think Tom Felton when you think of me. I must say Tom Felton is wonderful at being me and he's good-looking, just as I am. Yet, there is a negative to Tom Felton… because of his potrayal of me, I've gained fangirls.
I should have fangirls, but I must hurt myself with the truth. Rowling wrote me as a loser. I'm a cowardly git. I say lots of mean and nasty stuff and I like being in the power postion. I hate it when I don't get my way. I am a coward. I believe I'm better than everyone else and I'm a spoiled brat. I get everything I want because I'm the son of Lucius Malfoy and we're freaking rich. I'm obviously going to grow up to either end up to be dead or a Death Eater. I believe everything my father tells me and nothing else is the truth. I hate mudbloods, like Granger, and I hate lower-class losers, such as the Weasleys. I hate Potter because I'm jealous and he didn't want to be my friend. He chose the Weasel over me. So, I've made him my enemy.
That establishes many aspects of me. Of course, I don't like to believe those things because I'm me and I don't like to hear negative things about me. Deep down inside, I know they are true. I enjoy reading fanfiction. I love to see how people potray me. Yet, I've seen some weird things that I must say offend me. I realize that some people believe certain things will happen to me, and it creeps me out. With the new book on the way, I must tell you what I will most likely NOT do in this new book.
Firstly, I will not get together with the following people.
-Harry Potter. I hate him. He's my worst enemy. He put my dad in jail. (Although, the author of this informational fic fancies that pairing…)
-Ronald Weasley. Two words. Hell No.
-Hermione Granger. One word. Mudblood. Another word. EWWWW. Luckily, JKR has established the fact we will never get together. Ever.
-Ginny Weasley. Most likely NOT. She's a Weasley. They're poor and disgusting.
-Crabbe and Goyle. No.
-A Random Gryffindor… Nope.
Okay, forget this list. If I do get together with someone, it will most likely be Pansy Parkinson. She's a stupid one and doesn't see that I'm a git. Well, actually she's one too, so we're good together. If I don't get together with someone, okay. If JKR says I don't need love, than I don't.
Secondly, I will not turn to the light side. Absolutely not. I'm stuck on the darkside for good. Potter and I may even fight. I don't know that for sure, but for this 'War' coming up, I'm on the side of evil. That is unless I get cowardly and afraid to be on the evil side. I am cowardly, but I will most likely be evil. I hate Dumbledore and the trio and all they stand for. I hate them. You won't see me working with the boy-who-lived anytime soon.
Thirdly, I will not admit I was abused by Lucius and that's why I'm evil. I'm evil because I was raised that way. I'm not evil because I was forced to be evil. I'm evil because that's what I am. I was not abused by him and I won't magically turn to the goodside now that Potter got him jail. Remember from Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix in Chapter thirty-eight, page 851. "You're going to pay," said Malfoy in a voice barely louder than a whisper. "I'm going to make you pay for what you've done to my father…"
Yep, I love my daddy. I might have read a few fanfictions where I turned good because Lucius no longer controlled my life… I have read a wonderful fanfiction by a wonderful author who does not accept Tom Felton as me and turns me good, but that's me digressing. Anyway, it seems I may fight with Potter yet. Maybe not. He'll be too busy saving the world and defeating my Dark Lord…again. Damn, why does he always do that!
Anyway, yeah. I love your fanfictions and other stuff. I deeply touched that you write about me(okay, that sounded so corny. I would never actually say that. In fact, I have the greatest urge to insult you, but I dare not. You guys control Fanfiction Draco. You control Fanfiction Draco's fate…)
I wonder if JKR will kill me off soon. I know a trio that would love to see that. Well, I'm quite evil and I'm expecting the worse. Justice prevails, evil never trimuphs, and blah, blah, blah. That's pathetic. I would change that crap if I could, but I'm just a character controlled by JKR and fanfic authors everywhere…I wonder… Okay, I have to do some scheming.
Keep these things in mind while reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, but please keep the fanfictions coming. Okay, I'm really getting sick of sucking-up to you guys. Snape's one thing, but I don't even care about other people that aren't me. I'm eager to see what fate is waiting for me. And I hope Harry dies and the series ends early. I hope I become Ruler of the World and everyone listens to me…
Hmm, that's a nice fanfic idea… My name is Draco Malfoy and I am gracious for the time you spent listening to me go on. (Actually, I could careless. I have a fanfiction to write! Yes! Potter will finally meet his painful end by me…muahahahahahahahahahaa!)