There was a moment of pause between the two of them when Darren stopped kissing Chris' neck, pushing himself up to look at Chris and Chris stopped breathing entirely, when all they could do was stare at each other and marvel at the sight of both their eyes widening comically–the very moment that followed up with Chris' breathy whisper of: "I want you, God, I want you now."
In said moment, Chris was paralyzed. He groaned, feeling blood rushing to his face. He could feel the skin of his face and neck and chest blushing furiously at Darren's stare and at his own embarrassment. He wanted nothing more than to bury his face in the cushion placed under his head, or maybe kick Darren's face away so he would just stop staring with his mouth agape and hazel eyes widened to the point that his pupils looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets. But instead, Chris choked out an awkward laugh and closed his eyes in horror.
Chris wished that he hadn't said it, hadn't been so far gone with the moment to forget to watch what was coming out of his mouth. It wasn't his thinking about sex or wanting to do it with Darren that he was embarrassed about, because they'd talked and done things that he might or might not think about everytime he jerked off. But the fact that he had voiced it out loud, had let the words stream out in the heat of the moment, not in the darkness and loneliness and safety of his own room and his own bed, but in front of Darren's face for him to hear, hit him in the chest like a ton of bricks. Chris could possibly feel the shock and the awkwardness hanging thickly in the air between them, and it crawled under his skin and unnerved him, because, fuck, they'd rarely ever been uncomfortable with each other before.
And also because, fuck, this was his eighteenth birthday and he was getting legal and he had really wanted it to be good and special. He surely didn't want to spend this very day feeling all awkward and shitty with Darren, who was the first and best boyfriend Chris had ever had.
He was still trying to drown himself in embarrassment when Darren shook his shoulder lightly. "Chris? Look at me, please," Darren whispered, drawing circles with his thumb on Chris' skin. The gesture calmed him down a bit, so he took a deep breath and slowly opened his eyes. Greeting him was Darren's face hovering dangerously close above his, his expressions unreadable. And, God, he hated it when this happened, because Darren was Darren and he wore his heart on his sleeves. Chris couldn't be like that, couldn't be as loud and vibrant and boisterous as Darren. Hell, he was the opposite of that even, but maybe that was exactly why they were so attracted to each other.
And now when he couldn't know what was going on under those masses of curly hair and layers of tanned, soft, unblemished skin, it made him very, very worried all of a sudden.
Darren's eyes were fixed on him. Chris didn't want to appear evasive, so he forced himself to look back into the warm hazel color. After a while, a small smile tugged at Darren's lips as he whispered: "What do you mean by that? You know, you want me?"
Chris weighed his words. He could totally brush it off like nothing, telling Darren that it was something he had blurted out without meaning, leaving him hanging that way. Darren would never pressure him to talk when he didn't want to, and he, of course, would continue doing boyfriend-ly things with Chris without any further questioning. Chris could still do this the only way he knew how.
The safe way.
But. Oh, fuck it.
"Well, um," He began nervously, "I'm just thinking, about, you know, sex. I'm thinking that, well, I'm ready. Have been for a while, actually."
"Oh. Oh. O-okay." Darren ran a hand through his hair, "Why now?"
"I didn't mean for it to come out like that, obviously. I don't know how the hell that happened, it just did," Chris chuckled, "But I have been ready for a while, I just didn't know how to tell you. Anyways, I figured I wanted to do something special on my birthday, you know? I-I mean, if this is something that we both want, then we can do it. Please don't think it's because I want to use you as some, well, celebration. It's because I'm ready and I love you and I want to be able to look back someday and see that it–my first time, has been special."
Chris paused, allowing himself to take a breath. Their eyes were locked on each other now, and he knew Darren wouldn't let him look away if he wanted. A beat, and then: "Because you're special to me, Dee, and I don't think I want anyone but you to be my first."
For a while, all Darren did was staring down at him wordlessly. Then, slowly, he smiled and nodded, the color of his eyes lighting up like stars. "Yeah, we could do it," he said, "Whenever, and-and wherever you want. Well, do you want right now, or–"
"How about tonight? After the party? Um, maybe at your house. Is that okay?" Chris asked hesitantly. He gave Darren a nervous smile, hoping it would calm both of them down. Darren slowly nodded and kissed him again, before pulling him off the couch and up to his feet with a smile and a wink, "Well, let's go get ready for your party now, birthday boy. You let me do your hair and I'll even let you dress me up."
The party was nice, fun and lovely and full of laughter but not too loud, with cold bear and light wine and Chris' favorite songs playing on the background. The best thing about it, Chris thought, was that he didn't need to pretend to be happy or surprised, didn't need to put on some act because he was happy even without being surprised. He had only a small group of friends, both his and Darren's, but they were good people and they loved him and they were more than enough. Darren drove him to Mango Steak, a fancy restaurant out of town that Chris had never been to. Lea and Amber and Harry and Jack and the rest of the group met them there, and together they went up a big private party room that had been reserved, how unsurprisingly, under Darren's name.
They ate and drank and laughed and sang, and in the middle of it Chris somehow found himself happily nibbling on a piece of sweet chocolate birthday cake while Darren serenaded him with an acoustic cover of an Emeli Sandé song. He blushed and giggled and kissed Darren breathless when he finished, feeling happiness bubbling inside him when Darren reached up to lick away the chocolate cream smearing on his lips.
During Naya and Harry's drunken duet, though, Chris leaned back to place his head on Darren's shoulder and Darren's arms wrapped tightly around him, pulling him close. He hadn't had much to drink. He knew he had something special waiting for him at the end of the night, and he needed to stay sober and awake through it. He was thankful to find that Darren thought the same, though, when he dived in for a kiss and found that his mouth tasted only of Chris' chocolate cake and his vanilla milkshake. Nothing like alcohol. He pressed a smile against their joined lips.
"Are you nervous? For tonight? Is this bad that come to think of it, I really, really am?" Chris whispered once they parted, resting his head on Darren's shoulder, their hands clasped together tightly on his lap, "I don't know much about anything, honestly."
"Don't stress out about anything, okay, darling?" Darren replied, nudging Chris' cheeks with his, "I need you to know that if you are worried, it's okay. And if you change your mind about this, it's okay too."
"I know. I just wanna make it good, you know? I want it to be special for you too."
"And it will be. You're special to me too, Chris, and the fact that you choose me to share this experience with, is enough to make it special."
A moment, and then: "Honestly?"
"Honestly."
"Pinky promise?"
"Pinky promise," Darren smiled, not missing a beat.
The party finally came to an end around 10:30 p.m., after several rounds of drunken singing and senselessly joking and throwing food at each other as if they were somewhat a bunch of five-year-olds. By the time they all stood up and grabbed their coats, Chris could feel a dull ache at the pit of his belly from laughing too much and a bit of sticky ice-cream still stuck to his hair. Their friends walked them both to Darren's car, winking and whistling and gasping in mock surprise when Chris announced he was staying at Darren's tonight.
After some more kisses and happy birthdays from the girls and hugs from the guys, Chris climbed in Darren's car, feeling warmth and content flooding him all over. Darren smiled at him sweetly before starting the car, whistling as Sixpence None The Richer came on the radio. They drove in comfortable silence save for the music, and it was along the lines of kiss me down by the broken tree house, swing me upon its hanging tire that Chris reached out, searching for Darren's hand to hold. Darren's skin felt soft, and his fingers warm.
The house was dark, no lights turned on by the time Darren's car pulled into the driveway. His parents were away on a business trip during the weekend and Chuck had been holing up in his dormitory room in the university for a few weeks now, due to his finals coming up. Darren got out of the car first. He walked over and opened the door for Chris, beaming when his boyfriend smiled and his cheeks blushed adorably. They got in the house and turned on the light, their hands never leaving each other's. Darren squeezed Chris' hand gently and ran his thumb over his knuckles.
"Do you want a glass of water? Or maybe tea? I've got chamomile tea. You know, your favorite," Darren asked, smiling.
"Nah, I'm good. I drank like, three glasses of milkshake, I think," Chris replied, "But thanks. I didn't know that you know my favorite kind of tea."
"I like taking in tiny little memories," Darren winked, "Especially when they are connected to you."
Which, made Chris smile with his cheeks blushing furiously. He had never thought he'd be the one to fall for a hopelessly romantic, ridiculously sappy idiot, but. He did anyways.
"So. Do you still want to do, um, it?" Darren asked. Sex, Chris thought, "It's okay if you don't. We can watch a movie and cuddle on the couch. You can even be the big spoon this time."
"Do you still want to do it?"
"Yes."
"I do, too. So let's."
Darren's room, just like his whole house, wasn't too spacious, but warm and lovely and comfortable in a way Chris didn't know how to describe. It was a bit messy, really, blankets unfolded and The Script posters hanging on the green walls, along with messy drawings Darren explained was his when he was a kid. (Really? Chris teased, I bet you just draw these yesterday, you toddler. Darren laughed and stuck his tongue out at him.) Sitting in the corner was a small bookshelf with rows of books and CDs neatly tucked in, along with action figures and a flower vase with blue, artificial flowers and a handful of small teddy bears. Darren's guitar leaned against the wall and his bed was a king-sized one, with vintage bedsheet and like–a dozen of fluffy, big pillows all piled up. Bloody cuddle monster, Chris smiled to himself.
They stood still for a long time, Chris soaking in the familiarity, but the difference and uniqueness of it all. He had been here for hundreds of times, probably–the two of them doing homework or watching movies or being drama geeks together, flirting around and stealing kisses and handjobs in-betweens–but now it felt different, entirely. This room was going to be the witness of a turning point in their relationship, and more importantly, in Chris' life itself. He wasn't sure if he would ever be able to look at it the same way he had before. Without blushing crimson, that might be it.
Darren's hand went up to stroke his hair, his fingers buried in the chestnut strands. Chris raised his eyebrows. He always felt self-conscious about his hair, looking at his boyfriend's.
"Can I kiss you?" Darren asked, and Chris rolled his eyes because, idiot, do you even have to ask. Darren beamed, closing the distance between the two of them and pressing their lips together. His cherry-red, plump lips felt soft and sweet as they moved between Chris', and Chris sighed when Darren's tongue poked out to lick at his bottom lip.
When they parted, Darren held out his hand and led Chris to the bed. They sat down, and he pushed the other boy's shoulders down until Chris got the hint and laid down, opening his legs to make room for Darren. Whatever worry he had went flying out of the windows when Darren kissed him again. This was okay. They had done this a million times before. At least he could do this.
"Will you tell me if you want to stop or slow down, please?" Darren's fingers lingered on the buttons of Chris' shirt as he sat back up, "I love you so much, wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt you for something like sex."
"I will. I love you too," Chris replied, frowning at the quiver in his voice. Darren smiled at him before attacking his neck, prepping little kisses all over the freckled skin and cuddling into him. Darren's curls fell all over his face and Chris giggled, feeling butterflies fluttering in his stomach. Darren had his revenge by sucking on Chris' pulse point and oh. That got him to stop laughing instantly. He let out a small gasp instead, and his hips buckled at the thought of walking down the hallways tomorrow with a reddish bruise sucked into his neck. Eat your heart out, Lea.
Darren kissed his cheeks and his forehead and his chin and his neck and his chest and the skin behind Chris' ears. His lips were everywhere, pressing against his freckles and caressing his skin. Chris felt like he was drowning in the soft feeling of Darren's kisses, like there was something sweet and tender, still lingering on him even after his lips had left. He could feel his body reacting to the touch of Darren's hand, blood rushing in hot and fast and the skin of his face and neck and chest blushing under the attention. So he buried his hands in Darren's curls and twirling the locks of hair between his fingers. The other boy hummed, warm puffs of air blowing against Chris' neck.
Darren's one hand stayed on Chris' shirt while the other held his face, cupping his cheek and making their eyes meet in a silent question. Chris nodded without a trace of hesitation. So Darren's fingers started working at the buttons of his shirt, popping them open one by one, revealing Chris' skin inch by inch. You're beautiful, Darren whispered, and Chris shivered, emotions quivering like a lump in his throat. He felt vulnerable, like he had just opened another door for Darren, letting him in yet another way, giving yet another part of himself to the boy with hazel eyes and cheeky grins and masses of untamable curls. But that didn't matter, no. What mattered was the feeling of being wanted and shielded away by Darren's warm body beneath him. What mattered were the emotions crashing inside him like ocean waves, tender yet fierce, free and uncontrollable. What mattered was how much he loved Darren, how much he wanted to give him everything he had, how scared and insecure and self-conscious he didn'tfeel.
Darren threw the hoodie he was wearing over his shoulder, then reached down to help them both out of their pants. They had never gone too long without an opportunity to touch each other since they'd discovered how wonderful that felt like, but tonight wasn't about that. Chris shuddered when he stared at Darren's olive skin and his delicious biceps and the toned curves of his abs, the line of his treasure trail and his sharp collarbones. All the features he'd come to love and tried to memorize. Thinking mine, finally all mine.
"Kiss me." Chris whispered. Darren eagerly obliged, crashing their lips together and pressing a smile against Chris' mouth, swallowing every breath he took. His hands were sprawled all over his stomach and chest, thumbs rubbing little circles on the flushed skin. Chris let out a low moan and his hips jerked forwards just as they flicked over his nipples.
"Do you–Do you have…" He trailed off mid-sentence, but Darren nodded and smiled at him: "I've prepared. I want us to be safe." He reached out and searched through the top bunk of his drawers before pulling out a box of condoms and a bottle of lube. Strawberry kiwi, the bottle read. Chris chuckled and rolled his eyes.
"Took me long enough to choose between this and the pineapple mango one," Darren pouted, "But then I realized it doesn't even smell like strawberry kiwi at all."
Chris laughed. They were about to have sex right then and there, yet Darren never stopped being such an idiot. "At least this color is better, baby," he smiled, "Red is fine. Imagine having something yellowish like mango and pineapple smeared all over your bum."
Darren nodded happily, ruffling Chris' hair affectionately. "C'mon, help me take those off," Chris smiled, gesturing to his briefs. Hot blood rushed through his body when Darren hooked his fingers underneath the cloth and pulled them down. Only when Darren got out of his own briefs that Chris realized he wasn't the only one already with a half-hard cock. This is the first time they were thoroughly naked together, though, and he could have been feeling insecure about himself because holy shit he's naked and in bed with a boy who's gorgeous and also very much naked. If it wasn't for the fact that one, he was so turned on his brain wasn't working with embarrassment right now and two, Darren was looking at him like he was the most delicious thing he'd ever laid eyes on.
Chris stared as Darren licked his lips right before their mouths met again. Darren's one hand was stroking at his right side, and after a moment it trailed down slowly and wrapped itself around Chris' cock, making him moan at the contact. Darren started moving his hand up and down Chris' length, twisting it and squeezing a bit when he reached the shaft like he had known his boyfriend would love. Darren's dick was getting hard, too, just listening to the other boy's breathy moans. "Now, Dee, please," Chris whispered, and his back arched off the bed when Darren removed his hand to touch his bum, kneading and squeezing the soft flesh. Their lips parted, but Darren's face still hovered above Chris', their eyes locked into each other's. Chris flung his hands over Darren's torso, clinging to him when he felt a lube-coated finger flicked over his entrance.
"I love you, you know that right?" Darren asked, and Chris let out a whisper of I know, I love you too before squeezing his body in a tight hug. He could hear Darren's rapid heartbeats and feel his chest rising up and down with each breath he took. The other boy held him tightly and kissed his forehead, before finally pushing his finger in, making them both moan.
The stretch was new to Chris. He could feel the rings of his muscles trying to adjust to it. By the time Darren started pumping his long, slender finger in and out, the ache inside him had subsided, replaced by a tingling sensation he'd never felt before. His thighs were trembling slightly, and strings of high-pitched moans rolled off his tongue. Before he even knew it, Chris ground his hips against the mattress and breathed outanother, Dee, please.
Darren nodded and put another finger in, but didn't move them until he felt like Chris had loosened enough. He pressed tender kisses against Chris' neck, whispering strings of I love you, I love you, you're beautiful as his fingers worked him open. Chris buried his hands in Darren's mass of curls, overwhelmed with pleasure and emotions. He had never felt so close with anyone like this before, had never been so completely open and vulnerable but protected and loved. He had given Darren a new key to open the doors that he hid behind, and felt safe doing it.
Also, Chris had tried fingering before, but it just didn't work out for him. The pressure was a bit too much and he didn't really get the hang of it. Now he wondered if it had been because he had been going too fast on himself then, because the steady pressure and stretch of Darren's slow fingers inside him made his toes curl. He nodded immediately when Darren ask if he could ask a third finger and when they slid easily inside him, all Chris could think of was that he had never felt anything that good before.
Darren thrust his fingers in and out repeatedly, a little bit faster this time, while kissing all over his neck and face. His fingers bent and suddenly Chris was moaning out embarrassingly loud, back arched up against the mattress because fuck, that felt good. Darren managed to hit his prostate again and again and this time Chris realized that he wasn't the only one panting and moaning.
Heat flooded his stomach and he could feel the wet precome leaking out of the tip of his cock, and suddenly Chris realized that he was going to come too soon. "Stop, baby, stop," Chris breathed out, scowling himself when his voice came out all high-pitched and broken. Darren stopped immediately, pulling his fingers out and pushing himself up to look at Chris. Chris whined at the loss, grinding his hips down to follow Darren's fingers, chasing after the feeling despite himself.
"Are you okay, baby? Red?" Darren was biting the insides of his cheeks anxiously. Chris could clearly see how concerned he was, worried he'd made a mistake of pushing it too far. "No, I'm okay. Green," he smiled, "But I wasn't gonna last if you kept doing that."
"Oh." Darren nodded and Chris groaned because oh my god he's fucking giggling. Darren shook his head and covered his mouth with his (clean) fingers to muffle the sounds, but his shoulders were shaking with laughs, long curls falling all over his face. "Oh shut up, you asshole," Chris blushed, and one of his hand went flying, wanting to knock Darren on the head. But Darren caught his wrist instead, and when he stopped laughing he laced their fingers together, pressed his smile into each one of Chris' knuckles, then reached down to kiss him again.
"Adorable." Darren whispered against his lips, "But in all seriousness, do you need a glass of water? This can wait, it's okay."
"No, only you. Come here." Chris smiled and opened his arms. Darren snuggled into him happily, sighing against Chris' neck, sucking another bruise into the skin near his collarbones. Chris writhed, twisting his body around so he could get his hand on Darren's ass, smirking when the other boy buckled his hips, rocking back to his hand. He reached down to put on a condom and stroke his dick, hard and red-veined and gorgeous and fuck, that got Chris lost in the heat instantly. "Can we do it like this?" He murmured, "I wanna see you."
"Of course, baby. Anything for you." The bed shifted as Darren pressed in closer and closer, until their bodies were flushed together and the heat radiating from their skins became one. Darren's skin felt sweaty and slick against his, and his muscles shifted as he moved. Long eyelashes and glassy eyes blinked rapidly at him as he pressed their foreheads together, their noses nuzzling lightly. Chris's heart swelled at the feeling, wanting to curl himself into Darren, stealing this moment and tucking it away to keep it safe. So that no matter what happened, it would always be his. Theirs.
Chris' legs fell wide open, making room for Darren to go in. He held his breath when Darren bit on his lips, the head of his cock pressing onto the rim of Chris' entrance. He would have freaked out right then and there at the feeling of having someone that dangerously, alarmingly close to him, Chris thought, if said someone hadn't been Darren, his Darren. Who sang for him and carried his books and held his hand in the hallways and sent him incoherent texts during class. Who gave him piggyback rides and drooled all over his Chewbacca backpack while he fell asleep. Who cared for him enough to know what his favorite kind of tea was. Who he trusted with all that he was.
Darren went in slowly, making sure his eyes stay on Chris to watch for his reactions, for any trace of pain or fear that might appear on his face. The world around them was completely quiet, their heartbeats and breaths becoming the only sounds. Chris was hot and tight, clenching around Darren, the heat and the wetness of him almost unbearable before Chris relaxed under him, and the rings of muscles began to loosen. Chris' mouth fell open wordlessly, and his nails began digging into Darren's shoulders as Darren pulled out, then thrust back in. He restrained himself, biting on his lips and keeping his eyes wide open, forcing himself to go slow and easy, hands stroking Chris' trembling thighs.
Chris moaned, loud and broken, with each of Darren's moves. He drew in sharp breaths–the only thing left in his mind was the feeling of the other boy, the pressure and stretch of him, and the heat that had begun to pool at the pit of his stomach. They kissed, and Chris rocked back experimentally, panting into Darren's mouth when the head of his cock found his prostate. He could feel Darren smirkbefore he drew back and then snapped his hips up again, and Chris was breathless with it, gone and high and drifting until all he could feel was pure bliss.
"Baby…" Chris whined, his voice high and rough as sandpaper, even though he wasn't really sure what he was asking for. "God, Darren…"
"It's okay, come for me, baby. You feel so good, God, so good around me." Darren whispered into his ears, "I love you so much, you're so beautiful. You make me feel so good."
Chris nodded, letting a loud moan and nails grabbing at Darren's back muscles, the sweaty skin feeling way too hot under his own. There wasn't an inch left between their bodies, and he could feel his own dick rubbing against them, leaking precome steadily. Darren took it in his hand and jerked him off, matching the rhythms of his dick going in and out inside Chris. Chris couldn't hold back his own moans and whimpers, letting them roll off his tongue and pouring in Darren's ears along with a string of ah-ah-ahs.
It was when Darren leaned down to take one of Chris' darkened nipples into his mouth, sucking on the hardened nub of flesh that Chris came with a strangled cry, shooting his load all over Darren's fist and both their bellies. He rode out his orgasm, clenching and squeezing his muscles before Darren let out a hiss and followed, thrusting deep into him and coming into the condom. Chris panted and pressed in closer, Darren's sweet praises and I love yous ringing in his ears like a song.
After a few moments, Chris caught his breath, coming down. Darren's arms seemed to have given up, as he was lying with his face down on Chris' chest, panting quietly. For a while, they just held each other, Chris kissing Darren's sweaty forehead, his fingers massaging Darren's scalp. Until Darren huffed out a smile and whispered: "Thank you so much, love. Thank you for trusting me with that. I love you."
"I love you too, Dee. And thank you. That was absolutely, unbelievably wonderful."
"Really?" Darren beamed up at him, smiling, "It was incredible for me too. You have no idea." A beat, and then: "Do you think we could go again sometimes soon? Not right now, and only if you want, but…"
"Of course, dummy," Chris cut him off, "But not before we clean ourselves up first. And get some cuddles and a good sleep."
Despite his words, later that night, they couldn't sleep for a long time, just staring and kissing and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears. When Chris did, eventually, all he could think of was how perfect it was, feeling Darren's arms holding him tightly and Darren's sweet scent surrounding him like a little bubble of happiness. For his eighteenth birthday, Chris got to discover himself a little bit more. He got to experience something new with Darren, something that made him feel more loved and safe and lucky than ever before. Something that, no matter what happened, would always be his. Theirs.