Life's End
"If you have anything you wish to do, now is the time." That is what the doctor said to me the other day.
A month into my new treatment for cancer and I am so tired. I see Hazel Grace almost every day, I see that beautiful face and I know that I do not mind my war ending the way it is. I am so tired so much of the time. I sleep more than I want to, people come to see me and I only know later when mom or dad tells me. I am tired of this pain, I want to fight for Hazel but I no not whether I can keep going or how long I can keep this fight up.
It has been a day since my pre funeral at the centre of Jesus's heart.
I am back at the hospital on a morphine drip, I don't think I am getting out of here again. I don't think I want to die here. I am in a private room in the ICU away from the glaring noise of patients and their families as well as doctors working on them. None of this matters in the grand scheme of things. Its hard to breath now, my chest feels like its on fire without the pain medication and even with it, it isn't pleasant. I asked about Hazel visiting this morning but mom said its only family. My sisters Julie and and Sarah are here a lot now, their husbands to.
I feel like the doctor at the end of days, "I don't want to go." Its all I can think about. Phallanxifor is not working they tried, I guess I am one of the 20% who die of this cancer every year.
"Augustus do you need anything?" Mom asks me.
"I want to go home." I croak out.
"I'm sorry Gus but that is no longer an option... you are to sick." Mom says to me I shake my head tears in my eyes, even that one little movement hurts more than it should.
"I don't want to do this any more." I tell her, selfish prick that I am. I know it hurts her to hear these words, but I almost wish for death to claim me. I almost wish that it was here already. Never would I have thought that I would have taken the easy way out back when this first came about but now I am not so sure that I would not if I could take the pills that would end my life. To save my family the agony of watching my last days from a bedside helpless to do anything but watch as I struggle to breath.
"I know Gus." She says to me softly running her hand through my hair.
When I am next aware of my surroundings it is night or early morning, I am not sure it could be either but one thing that I know is I can't breath... oh god I can't breath... I scream out as loudly as I can and the monitor I am hooked up to is going crazy with noise. Mom wakes next to me and calls for a doctor, please don't let this be the way I am going to die. I can't die not like this... the doctors rush into my room, they talk heatedly with mom before working to clear my lungs of fluid I hate her for that I know its irrational as I want to live as much as I want to die... I don't think that any of you can understand what it is that I am going through, for that I am grateful and truly glad that you don't have to know about this in the first person. The weight is off my chest, dad comes into the run scared probably thought I died without him there.
"Its okay his lungs are clear for now." The doctor tells them. I have an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth to help me breath. Something I guess I have in common with Hazel for now anyway.
They go outside to talk, I can't hear what they are saying but I know that its heated because dad is shouting at the doctors. I close my eyes, I know that Hazel is right at this moment, the only thing worse than dying of cancer is being the parent of a child biting it from cancer. I wish I could help them with this, but lets be honest I am not going to be around for much longer. My pain is almost over, oh but how tired I am.
When I wake up my dad is there with Julie, they are laughing about something not sure what.
"Hey Gus." Julie says to me I struggle to take the mask of my mouth and gasp, okay its helping me more than I realised to breath.
"You need to wear that." Dad says to me.
"What did the doctors talk to you about last night?" I ask him.
"Its not important." Dad says to me.
"Tell me please." I growl at him. "This is my life, please don't do what mom does." I plead with him.
"They want to know whether we wish to continue with extreme measures to keep you with us." Julie said to me I sigh turning my head from them battling tears again. Last night was hell for me, waking up like that in so much pain and knowing there was nothing I could do about it.
"Julie it is not an option." Mom scowls from the corner of the room, I didn't realise that she was there.
"Mom." I say quietly.
"No Gus." She tells me.
"I don't want to live like this any more momma... it hurts to breath... it hurts to talk, I can't eat I can barely drink anything." I tell her. It takes me a while to get it all out there and I hate this. "Please just let me die." I demand of her. She scowls at me I can see the look on her face.
"No." She snaps.
"Dad I want to sign a do not resucitate order." I say to him hoping that he will understand. "Please." I draw the word out long and hard. I can hear Julie sobbing. "This is no life." I say to him.
"Gus you don't know what your asking." Dad says to me.
"I am going to die, I want to die. I can't do this any more, you once told me you would do anything for me... please let me die with what little dignity I have left." I would have shouted if I could but I couldn't so it came out as little more than a whisper. "I am not going to leave this hospital alive you told me that already, so let me choose when I die at least." I say to them. Julie is rubbing circles into my hand softly and I am grateful for the touch. I am grateful for her being here.
"Mom maybe we should." She says to mom. She is dad's daughter not mom's and it is this that maybe shocks mom more than anything. Julie never calls her mom, never as long as I can remember anyway. Dad smiles a little at her, despite the tears streaming down his cheeks.
"I'll go get a doctor." Mom says I sigh gently as she leaves the room.
The doctor and mom come back a while later, mom and the doctor I don't know's name look sad as they enter the room. She has obviously told him what I have asked for.
"Hello Augustus." The doctor says I smile.
"Hi doc." I say to him.
"Gus can you repeat to me your request for a dnr status please." The doctor said to me I nod and do. "You understand that if you sign this the next time you get into difficulty we will only make you comfortable?" He says to me.
"Yes I understand." I say to him.
"Gus... you will be able to change your mind at any time." Mom says to me.
"Look at me mom, do you think I want to change my mind." I said to her she sighs shaking her head. "I love you." I say it quietly.
"I love you to honey." She says.
"Just tell me what I need to sign." I say to the doctor.
Its been seven days since I came in here, seven days since the last time I saw Hazel or Isaac, I got cards from them both yesterday. At least I think it was yesterday, time is fleeting now. I don't keep track of time, I asked for music and they brought it in. The respite team make sure I am comfortable and that my parents and sisters are. Julie is here now, though I find it hard to concentrate my focus on her or anyone at this point. They said something about the death rattle, I haven't eaten anything in a while, probably haven't drunk anything in a while either. I don't remember what day of the week it is, time has no meaning for me any more. I can't focus enough to read, mom asked me if I wanted my book I said no and we left it at that.
Dad doesn't leave me alone any more, he sleeps here he showers here just like mom. They don't want me to be alone. I am no longer afraid of dying, well I am but I am not afraid of the end so much as what comes next.
So today is day number eight, its hard to breath again, no extreme measures. I think this is it, I hope this is it, I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. I concentrate on my breathing, I concentrate on just being alive and with my family. Mom and dad by my head my sisters lower down the bed holding my hand telling me stories and jokes. Talking about my nephews and the things that they have been getting up to. Mom tells me about Hazel Grace and that she is holding up, I've asked to see her repeatedly but the hospital and the parents are firm, no one but family now. I want to argue but I think its probably for the best in the long run. I wrote them letters, well Julie did, I dictated to her and she wrote them down. It is hard work to talk and breath at the same time. Who knew.
"Mom don't cry please." I say to her about mid day, enough energy to finally talk today.
"I don't want you to die honey." She says to me.
"Dying is the easy bit." I tell her she laughs. "Waiting for you all to join me is the hard bit." I tell her.
My faith has stayed strong, a priest visited us yesterday, he talked we prayed, I think he blessed me or gave me last rights possibly both. No way of knowing I was pretty out of it last night. Might have expected me to kick it last night, probably would have been nice if I had. Last night was better than today.
"You'll have plenty of company." Mom says to me.
"Grandpa and Caroline." I say to her smiling widely at the thought. "I'd like to see them both again." I say to her.
"You will honey." Mom says to me.
"Mom will you tell Hazel that I... that I was in love with her that I am in love with her." I say to her. "That every minute I had with her was a gift from god himself and that I do not regret one moment of time I had with that beautiful girl." I say to my mom she is crying maybe. Can't tell... things are pretty fuzzy now... tired again I sleep.
I'm not sure where I am when I wake up, it seems a bit to quiet for the hospital room like its muted somehow.
"Hello Augustus." I hear and I see grandpa standing over me smiling looking twenty years younger than the last time I saw him I don't remember him this young... because he wasn't when I was alive.
"Grandpa." I say... I can breath... breathing is relative of course as I am fairly sure I am dead but hey what can I say.
"Would you like a hand standing up." He asks I nod. Sure I am to weak to stand on my own.
"My prosthetic." I say to him but I already know the answer, I look down and sure for the first time in almost two years I have two legs. "Not needed." I say and he chuckles, I see her then as I stand up from my bed for the first time in over a week. Caroline just how I remember her but a lot more healthy. Breath taking just like Hazel and I feel guilt for those feelings. "Am I dead?" I ask her.
"Almost, your body is still alive but well your soul is free from it and the pain." She says to me kissing me softly on the lips I kiss back for just a moment. "Oh no need to worry, when it her time you can be with her... you are after all soul mates Gus." She said to me taking my hand. We aren't in the hospital room any more we are in her bedroom, watching Hazel sleep. I look at the clock it is five to three in the morning. I want to touch her and hold her, I want to tell her I love her and that I'll see her again and I see from the look on grandpa's face he knows this.
"Just enough time to say goodbye, you can't be here when the call comes." Grandpa says to me. I bend down next to her kiss her softly on the lips smiling at the coldness. "I love you Hazel Grace, you were my infinity... fight for me, please fight for life. I know you can, please don't give up." I say to her gently I know she can't hear me and the words are not meant to comfort her I think more than anything they are to comfort me and strangely I am okay with this. Grandpa lays his hand on my shoulder and I sight. We are back in the hospital the warning signals from the machines are going mad, I know what this means and strangely I am okay with this. Like I know it will set me free, I approach mom and smile down at her I lean next to her ear and whisper.
"I am free momma I love you." I kiss her cheek as the lines on the screen by the bed go flat. I feel a chill run through me, the clock has run out on my life. "Where now?" I ask Caroline as I take her hand and stand straight once more.
"To where you belong." She says to me.
"Home." I say and she nods. I see the light in front of us, its not a tunnel as such but it does what it says on the tin. Grandpa wraps his arm around my shoulders and leads the way... I am alive and free, no more pain no more death... not quite roses and all consuming love that would come when she joins me I hope many years from now.
For the heavens and the worlds below I bellow, "I AM FREE AND HOME, IN CAPITAL S, HAZEL GRACE."
The end.
Author's note
So this is the first story I have written on here in quite some time. I hope you don't mind.
I do not wish for this to receive awards or critical aclaim, all I wish to say that while I own none of the characters or any of the story that is A Fault In Our Stars. Like so many others before me, I was moved to tears by the story of Gus and Hazel Grace... when I watched the movie I instantly knew I had to buy the book and read it. Maybe once every ten years a book comes along that changes your perspective on things. A Fault In Our Stars and its story has the ability to move so many of us, because all of us have lost someone to cancer at some point in our lives, whether it be a wife or husband a child or a parent or sibling and the like. The portrayal of these characters in said film was raw and emotional and should not be forgotten. It is rare that a film is anywhere near as good as the book it is based upon but this is one of the few times that it was.
I know I touched on religion in this, which is suggested in both the book and the film as being a part of Gus's life and to some extent Hazel's to. I am not here to preach to you, I hate that but I thought it important in this little story to embrace it some what without making it all about religion. I hope I succeeded in this if not I apologise. If I did yippy.
So read this, flame me or don't flame me but please do review. I would love to read your reactions to this little au... I have no plans to write a sequel about Hazel's end of days, but who knows maybe at some point I will sit down and write one.