Title: Mary Sues in Training
Author: mahaliem
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A couple of Mary Sues join the fight against the First Evil.
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy
Thank you to my wonderful betas, Treacle-Antlers and Alena.
Spike rose from the floor, exasperated.
"You're supposed to be fighting me."
"I was...sort of," stammered Mary Sue, one of the new Slayers-in-training.
"Excuse me, just a vamp here, but I don't reckon the part where you wiggle around and wrap your arms around me is in the Slayer's Handbook."
"Maybe she was trying to distract you. Take your mind off of killing her then...pow. Down comes the stake, dusting your cute little behind," suggested Maria Susana, the other new trainee.
Spike's only answer was a snort of disbelief.
Buffy bounded down the basement stairs, then stopped, feeling the tension in the room caused by Spike and the two girls. When Giles had shown up three days ago with these potentials, she'd been pleasantly surprised at their enthusiasm. The other girls liked to watch television and goof off. These two, however, were insistent that they spend as much time as possible training. Even more surprising, they both agreed that sparring with an actual vampire would be most beneficial, so Spike had been kept busy. Unfortunately, they were starting to cause problems.
"Okay...what's going on?"
"Nothing, Buffy, honestly," said Mary Sue.
"Zilch," confirmed Maria Susana.
Buffy glanced at Spike, who simply shook his head.
"Bints have some damn silly ideas 'bout fighting, is all. Wish they'd quit ripping my shirts off."
"The training's not going well, then?
"Doing my best, but the chits aren't cooperating."
The two girls kept sneaking glances at each other, trying to swallow down what sounded like giggles. With a mischievous smile, the dark-haired, dark-eyed Hispanic slayerette raised her eyes to Buffy's.
"Perhaps Spike is right. Perhaps this training isn't working. Maybe we should start training with someone else...like Giles?" suggested Maria Susana
"Giles! Oh, yes, training with Giles might really, really help us," agreed Mary Sue.
What the hell was going on? Buffy wondered.
- - - - - -
Xander looked around the cemetery, nervously. Originally, it had only been Buffy and Spike taking the girls out to train them. The rapid influx of potentials, however, had resulted in all of them taking turns and hoping that the harbingers and the First remained inactive. Now, he and Giles walked behind the girls, who were being led by Kennedy, the slayer-in-training who had the most...training. She was leading a group consisting of Rona, Mary Sue, Maria Susana, and another new slayerette named Mimi. As always, Maria Susana and Mary Sue weren't paying attention to their surroundings.
"I say we kill. Obliterate. It serves no useful purpose," said Maria Susana.
"Kind of cute, though" replied Mary Sue. At the other girl's eye roll, she added. "In a geeky sort of way."
"Geekiness oozes from it. Hey, I don't care what the rest of you think; when we get back home, Vi's hat is going down."
"Vi's hat?" Mary Sue's voice reflected her surprise. "I thought we were talking about Andrew. You're right, Vi's hat is toast."
Kennedy spun around in anger.
"Do the two of you ever shut up? How are we supposed to sneak up on vampires when you keep yammering away?"
"I thought we weren't supposed to sneak up on them; they were supposed to sneak up on us," said Mary Sue.
"I have an idea," said Maria Susana. "Why don't I hold your weapons for you, Kennedy? Then, your hands will be free and you can show us exactly what we're supposed to do when we're attacked."
A muscle in Kennedy's jaw clenched in frustration. Lowering her voice, she bit out her reply.
"But that would leave me without a stake - defenseless. Never a smart move."
"Oh, I don't know," answered Maria Susana. "You could always use the one you have stuck up your..."
"Girls!" Xander broke in. "Hate to interrupt your fight, but it's time to fight." He pointed past them to where two snarling vampires were approaching. "Vamps at two o'clock."
The vampires were coming closer, wanting to kill, to feed. Giles hefted his sword and Xander shifted his grip on his axe in anticipation. The potentials all lifted their stakes in readiness. The lead vampire paused as he neared the young females, and sniffed the air.
"I smell fear. Are you little girls afraid to die?"
The trainees tensed, unsure of what to do. Then Mary Sue piped up.
"At first I was afraid; I was petrified."
Everyone turned their heads to stare at the slayer-in-training. Even the vampires were taken aback, blinking in confusion. Maria Susana smirked a bit, and began to sing.
"Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side."
"But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong," added Rona in full-throated, robust alto.
The potentials charged the vampires, who were quickly put on the defensive. Giles watched in amazement as the five girls sang and attacked, finishing off the vampires before they'd even reached the chorus. Of course, they couldn't stop singing that idiotic song then, but had to continue all the way to its bloody conclusion, laughing as they did so. Giles shook his head. Buffy's quips were bad, but this was too much. Gloria Gaynor had much to answer for. On a side note, however, Rona's voice was really quite exceptional, he thought.
- - - - - -
"So, who would it be for you?" asked Mary Sue to Molly.
"River Phoenix," answered Molly.
Several girls nodded in agreement and a 'good one' could be heard coming from one of the many slayers-in-training seated in a circle, Andrew among them.
"Jimi Hendrix, for me, definitely," said Rona.
Willow poked her head into the room. She'd been in the kitchen trying to figure out what to cook. Some of the girls were vegetarians while others had allergies. It looked like it would be another spaghetti in marinara sauce night. Willow didn't mind, but she really wished Buffy would lift the ban on the garlic bread. Sure, the last time the smell had been so strong that Spike had fled and spent the night with Clem, but spaghetti just wasn't the same without it.
Now she looked around at the potentials curiously, wondering what they'd been discussing so intently.
"Um...what about Jimi Hendrix?" Willow asked.
"Oh, we were just playing a game that Mary Sue thought up. It's called First Requests," explained Vi.
Willow was happy to see that Vi had recovered from having her beloved hat torn to shreds and was beginning to adjust to the baseball cap she'd been given to take its place. Willow just wished the girls had picked some other baseball team. She didn't think Buffy or Spike would appreciate the Angels cap.
"First Requests?" asked Willow.
"Uh huh," said Mary Sue. "If the First is going to come and try to scare us, it'd be nice if we could at least pick who it looks like."
"Yeah. It's sort of like in "Ghostbusters". You know where they have to choose the form of their destruction and Ray thinks of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man," said Andrew.
"I picked Elvis," said Mary Sue.
"Young, skinny, sexy Elvis," added Maria Susana.
"Right. Because if the First Evil came as old, bloated Elvis, that would just be...evil," said Mary Sue.
With a slight shake of her head, Willow returned to the kitchen. But while she continued working on supper, part her mind kept debating whether she would choose Shakespeare, Einstein, or Gertrude Stein.
- - - - -
Seated at the dining room table, Buffy looked at the troublesome pair. She'd sent the other potentials out with Willow, Xander, and Dawn for a tour of some of the more likely places they might find vampires that needed slaying - the morgue, the cemeteries, the Bronze. The house was quiet now, except for the people assembled around the table. Giles and Spike were there for support. Andrew was there because he didn't have anything better to do, and she was tired of listening to him whine about being left out.
"Girls, there have been some complaints about you," Buffy stated. "First of all, I don't understand why you keep saying 'Get out, get out, get out', then laughing uncontrollably around Dawn, but it has to stop. This is Dawn's home. Secondly, sniffing the air and asking if anyone has yak cheese on them when Willow enters a room is...just weird. As for what you keep doing to Xander...well, the less, said the better. And, for the last time, we are no longer using the puffy suit for training."
"They keep picking on me, too," squeaked Andrew.
"But there's a good explanation for that. We just want to be sure that he isn't the First Evil in disguise," stated Maria Susana.
"The First Evil only takes the form of dead people," snapped Andrew peevishly.
"Well, we don't know if someone's killed you lately, do we?" asked Mary Sue.
"Oh. I guess that makes sense. But the poking in the ribs really hurts."
"Pardon me...they poke you?" questioned Giles. Andrew nodded in reply.
Spike arched an eyebrow at Andrew's last statement and absent-mindedly rubbed the spot on his rear where they'd pinched him earlier. It was only when he saw Giles doing the same that he stopped. Standing, he looked towards Buffy.
"You know my complaints. Don't need to repeat them. Seeing how I'm a bit knackered, and the other birds have flown, I'm going to shower, then to bed."
Buffy watched as he left the room, then flushed, hoping no one had noticed how intently she'd been studying the vampire's backside. No one but Giles had. The others were too busy watching Spike leave as well.
"Mmm ...Spike in the shower," murmured Mary Sue.
"Naked Spike in the shower," added Maria Susana.
"Wet, naked Spike in the shower," said Andrew.
Everyone turned to stare at the remaining member of the Legion of Doom, until Giles, with a loud clearing of his throat, got their attention.
"I've contacted the coven, and was quite surprised when they asked why I'd failed to pick up the two potentials in Los Angeles."
Maria Susana and Mary Sue glanced at each other. The gig was definitely up.
"They're not really potentials?" cried a startled Buffy.
While Andrew shouted 'I knew it, I knew it' in the background, Buffy grabbed a sword and began to approach the two girls.
"Oh, crap!" cried Maria Susana.
"We're not evil! We're not!" shrieked Mary Sue.
"Buffy, for God's sake, please put that away," ordered Giles.
Still staring at the girls as if half expecting them to turn into harbingers before her eyes, Buffy put the sword on the table, not threatening them, but still within easy reach if she decided it was necessary. Giles stood and began to pace in the limited space available.
"My first inclination was to speculate that you were spies for the First Evil. I dismissed that notion soon afterwards. Not only have you failed to cause any true harm, your...antics, for lack of a better word...seem to have raised the morale among the slayers-in-training."
At that, the girls perked up, smiling and relieved, until Giles glared at them, and they withered under it.
"However, I must express my curiosity as to why you would initiate this ruse, and maintain it for as long as you have."
"Hey, you were the one who started it. I was just sitting on the bench in the college quad, eating my lunch and reviewing my notes for my next class, when you pop up, " explained Maria Susana. You were all 'Come with me, your destiny awaits'.
"He pulled that one on me while I was working my shift at the diner," added Mary Sue.
"Excuse me, but he said that and you...just went with him?" asked Buffy.
Maria Susana rolled her eyes and let out a long-suffering sigh. "Listen, I know you've been around him for, like, ever, but look at him."
She pointed at the now thoroughly puzzled Giles, and then continued. "He's yummy. And he's got that gorgeous British accent thing going."
Buffy was saved from replying when Giles began to have a extraordinary coughing fit, and she rushed to his side, patting his back, trying to help him resume his breathing. When he managed to get air back into his lungs, with only a slight tearing in his eyes, he looked at the girls, his face reflecting his confusion.
"I don't understand. I was clearly told that one of the potentials would be located at noon on the bench, near the fountain on the grounds of the University. My information was even more specific for the second one. I would find the next potential named 'Mary' working at that horrendous diner."
"Giles, honey...there are a couple of fountains," explained Maria Susana.
"And there's another Mary at the diner - Mary Jo. But she was on break when you came in. She's pretty nice, but always kind of busy. She works out, trains to run marathons, and ... was probably who you wanted," stammered Mary Sue.
"Good Lord."
A few moments passed as the impact of what had been said sunk in.
"I guess someone needs to collect the real SITs," decided Buffy. "As for you two," she indicated the girls seated at the table, "I guess you can go."
"But we don't want to go," said Mary Sue
"And maybe we shouldn't," added Maria Susana. "Maybe we weren't chosen by mistake, but an an act of fate."
As Buffy, Andrew, and Giles stared at her in stupefaction, the Hispanic girl continued. "The First Evil has those super-vamps helping her. Maybe the powers for good sent Mary Sue and I your way for a reason. We could be your ultimate weapons."
The others waited for Buffy and Giles to make a decision, holding their breaths. With a glance at Giles, Buffy spoke.
"Fine. You can stay... but only if you're on your best behavior."
"Great. We'll behave, we promise. And to prove how good we're going to be, we'll take Andrew down to the training room and pretend to be Dragonball Z characters while we practice our fighting techniques," offered Maria Susana.
The trio left the room quickly. Buffy and Giles could hear them in the distance - the girls laughing while Andrew complained that he was definitely not Oolong. In a quiet, serious tone, Buffy questioned Giles.
"Do you think it might be true? That these girls are our weapons sent from the powers of good?"
"There is a very slight possibility."
They stared at each other for a moment before Buffy spoke with finality.
"We are so doomed."
The End
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