A/N: We noticed that daddy!kink is common in the fandom and had a funny idea inspired by it. For the record, we definitely don't judge anyone for their kinks, but given Viktor's melodramatic insecurity about his possible thinning spot, we had the idea of writing a fic where Yuuri's attempt at calling him "daddy" causes Viktor to have a humorous meltdown over his age.

This is not a smut fic! It starts a little saucy but with nothing graphic, and is mostly domestic fluff.

Next Time He'll Ask

by Kaylin and Kira

"Viktor," Yuuri said in a hushed voice as his husband's hands roamed down under the hem of his boxer briefs. "Viktor."

It was moments like these that Yuuri was glad he and Viktor had finally moved out of his parents' inn last year. They didn't have to worry about paper thin walls or inn guests overhearing anything. Now they could settle into married life comfortably, truly enjoy each other, and make their own little microcosm of sights and sounds and touches.

Especially the touches.

Their sex life had started out quietly explosive, full of near-silent, shaking passion and intense need. The first time they'd slept together, after the Grand Prix Final, was etched into Yuuri's memory with crystal clarity. After dealing for so long with the jittering tension from the competition and being able to finally put it past him, Yuuri'd finally been able to let go, and they'd spent the entire night rocking against each other in various configurations in a delightful rhythm that had carved the evening into his brain with the same depth and permanence as the imperatives that told his lungs to keep breathing.

Most of their early lovemaking had been like that, but now their sex life had settled into something that was sometimes a little slower and more experimental – in a good way. This was them probing and pushing at the boundaries of their shared intimacy, figuring out what could be added to it to give it even more depth and fullness. They'd started trying out things like restraints, and blindfolds, and taking sexy photos of each other to look at later, and had spent hours mapping out each other's bodies with their fingertips.

Sometimes they proposed these ideas to each other by surprise – the spontaneity being yet another one of their shared kinks. (They both really did love surprised). One of them would whip out a pair of handcuffs, or whatever the new toy or idea was, with a flourish and a saucy raise of an eyebrow. It usually went well. Even if the other wasn't interested, they were both comfortable with having an idea turned down, and the times they were both interested made the surprise worthwhile.

Other times, though, it could backfire.

Yuuri had been wondering lately about new things they could try and stumbled on an idea while reading some articles on sex and different dynamics couples could play with. So he turned sideways in Viktor's arms to face him, enjoying the feel of Viktor's hand still in his underwear, did the usual customary eyebrow raise, and said:

"Oh, daddy."

To say that it didn't have the intended effect was the world's biggest and most understated understatement. Viktor's expression of devilish enthusiasm morphed into one of shock – and then terrified comprehension, as if he had suddenly had his soul connected to the existential dread of the universe. His hand withdrew from where it had been creeping under the hem of Yuuri's underwear and then he started making a noise Yuuri had never heard him make before. It wasn't high-pitched enough for it to truly be alarming but it was clearly a low siren sound of distress.

"Ehhhhhhhhh…" Viktor moaned, rolling away from Yuuri, until he slipped off the bed, dragging the blankets and sheets down with him.

"Ow," Viktor said, as he hit the floor. There was the briefest of pauses…

"Ehhhhhhhhhh..."

"Viktor?!" Yuuri knelt at the edge of the bed, looking down at him, worried that he'd broken something somehow. His erection died a horrible death almost instantly. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"Oh nooo," Viktor cried out forlornly. "I'm so oollld."

"What? No! No! You're not old!"

"You think I'm ancient! To be able to see me that way!"

"I don't think you're ancient, I was just trying out a new idea I had! I thought you might -"

Viktor pulled the blankets over his head so he could inure himself to the all-consuming darkness that was coming for him soon.

"I'm going to just lay here and let death take me, because it's already so close."

"It's not that close!"

"I can't hear you, because I'm hard of hearing now, because I'm so old."

"You're not even thirty yet!" Yuuri said, waving his hands frantically where Viktor couldn't see, his face red with embarrassment over his mistake. "That's not old! I didn't mean to imply you were actually old enough to be my -"

"I can feel my hair follicles dying as we speak. I'm going to be bald by tomorrow. Then the wrinkles will come for me next and my face will look like a used paper bag."

In the past, Yuuri would've been prostrating himself on the ground in apology in a moment like this, but with falling in love and marrying Viktor had come the implicit knowledge that he was occasionally one of the most overdramatic and ridiculous human beings alive.

"You're being completely unreasonable about this, Viktor."

"Old people are frequently unreasonable!" Under the blankets, Viktor put his hand through his hair, testing out his bald spot, and finding it was absolutely, definitely thinner (he could tell!), he started making the noise again.

"Ehhhhhhhhhh…"

"Look, if I apologize, will you get back up here?"

"Ehhhhhhhhhh…"

"...Okay, at least stop making that sound."

The sound tapered off into a sad little whine that was much worse than the moaning sound, and moved by it, Yuuri sighed, climbed down off the bed and wrapped his arm around his husband from behind, spooning him through the bundle of blankets.

That isn't to say that he wasn't still rolling his eyes a little, but he still cuddled hum, rubbing Viktor's arm through the blanket reassuringly.

"I'm sorry I sprung that on you. I just thought I'd surprise you like we usually surprise each other," Yuuri said.

Silence. Just the muffled sounds of Viktor's hand exploring his hairline.

"Viktor, you're really not that old," Yuuri continued.

"Ancient. Decrepit."

"Due to future advances in medical science, we'll probably live to a hundred, anyway, so even thirty isn't that old."

"That means I'm going to be old nearly foreverrrrr."

"Even if that was the case, it'd be okay," said Yuuri, resting his forehead against what was (possibly) the back of Viktor's head. "I'll be a used paper bag, too. We'll match."

Silence, but the muffled sound of Viktor's hand probing his hair volume stopped.

"We'll go down to the beach and sun ourselves like turtles so we'll get even wrinklier," Yuuri went on.

It took a little while for him to finally speak up, but Viktor's voice was soft as he asked, "Will you still love me if I get a turkey neck waddle? My dedushka had a neck waddle."

"As long as you still love me when my behind expands until it's bigger than a couch."

Viktor knew how pleasantly plump Yuuri's parents were. There was only so long that Yuuri'd be able to fight genetics before genetics twisted his arm and made him cry uncle. The chubbiness was going to return someday, with a vengeance, and then never leave.

"Yuuri, if your behind expands that large, it will just mean I'll have a better handhold while I do wicked and wonderful things to your body."

"If you ever get a turkey neck waddle, you can just rest it on my head every time I put my head on your shoulder."

Viktor considered that in silence, then said, "I would like somewhere to rest my waddle."

"Are you going to come out now?" Yuuri asked.

Viktor was slow to respond, but he poked his head out through the top of the blankets, looking a lot less distressed, and rolled over to bury his head in the crook of Yuuri's neck.

"And you'll still love me when I'm bald?" Viktor asked. "Because my hair is already thinning."

It really wasn't thinning that much but Yuuri decided to indulge him.

"That just means you'll be able to feel it more easily when I do this." Yuuri kissed the little thinning spot on the top of his head. He looked the gold ring glittering on his finger where it rested against Viktor's body. "I'll love you as long as we're wearing these rings."

"I never plan on taking mine off, you know," Viktor informed him. "Never ever."

"Me neither. We'll be wearing them a really, really long time."

Another pause, and Viktor admitted meekly, "Then maybe being old isn't such a terrible thing after all."

The two of them snuggled there on the floor, Viktor finally relaxing in Yuuri's arms, and it was better, at least. As their relationship went on, sometimes certain things needed to be said, certain reassurances needed to be made, and certain promises needed to be kept.

And certain kinks needed to be avoided.

"So that's a no on the calling you 'daddy' in bed ever again."

"Bigtime no."