Shelter, Shaun/Zach, want to make you happy
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To Make You Happy
There's not much about their life that Shaun would change. A permanent agreement with regards to Cody would be a major one. The kid deserves the stability, the security it would bring. Hell, even he and Zach deserve to know where they stand, that they're not going to have him ripped away from them without warning.
For himself, he'd have to admit that overall he's pretty happy now. His life's like a roller coaster without the stomach wrenching dips, leaving him just the thrill of the high. Zach's like his own personal muse as far as his writing goes. When the words stop flowing all he needs do is to spend a little time with Zach or watching Zach. It doesn't seem to matter what he wants to write, doesn't have to have anything to do with his own life, Zach will soon inspire him, his patience, his love, his smile. And as for watching Zach work on his art, painting or sketching, completely absorbed . . . well it isn't his writing that that does much for.
So . . . change . . . for all that's he's happy, there is still one thing that Shaun would change . . . one thing about Zach . . . and doesn't he just feel incredibly guilty for even entertaining the thought that Zach is anything less than perfect. But the truth is still there, he would change one thing about Zach.
Shaun never stops wishing that Zach could see just an ounce of what he sees, that he could stand the younger man in front of a mirror and point out just how awesome he truly is. There's the physical attributes of course, but Zach doesn't even see those, is embarrassed by any hint that Shaun might think he's beautiful. More important than that is the wonderful man Zach is inside, kind, thoughtful, self-sacrificing. He's all of those and more, but worst . . . the worst thing of all as far as Shaun is concerned is the fact Zach thinks he's talentless, that he brings nothing to their relationship but difficulties and need. He still worries even now as they approach their two year anniversary that they are not equal partners; that he is just taking everything he can from Shaun.
Shaun has never felt like he was being used by Zach, taken advantage of and given nothing in return. Rather in the last two years, he's felt treasured and like he's part of not only the best relationship he's ever had but part of something precious. He's felt loved and he wishes he could make Zach feel the same way.
He wanted to make surprise plans for their anniversary. He still wants to do something to show Zach what all of their life means to him, how important it is, how he never wants to lose it or risk damaging it, but despite the fact that he's spent the last few weeks thinking about it, he can't work out what to do, can't work out how to make sure that this evening is perfect.
He's late heading home which was never exactly unexpected. Experience has taught him how few of these types of meetings run to time, how often the process of getting a book from his hand to the shelf drags through innumerable endless meetings, but it's worth it. Of course it's worth it, without it he'd be penniless and then where would they be?
Zach works hard, but he's hardly bringing home enough for them to survive on. His tutor keeps talking of bigger and better in the future. The guy had pushed Zach to allow some of his pieces to go on display at a new 'up and coming' exhibition. Unsurprisingly, not that Shaun is biased in any way of course, they were snapped up and Zach was pretty pleased with the proceeds, at the same time as shocked that anyone would be willing to buy his stuff at all. In Shaun's mind, he's spent too many years believing his art is transitory, here today and painted over again tomorrow. Ghetto street art for the hour, rather than the age. Zach has spent a lifetime believing he's not good enough. Despite all of his achievements, years of exceeding what he should have been doing, Zach's never realized the truth of how good he really is.
It's one of those things that make Shaun really proud of his younger brother too. Gabe can be an ass; he's always living in the now of party and beer, not too worried by the bigger picture or the long term future. Shaun can't really remember a time when Gabe wasn't like that even pre-beer drinking age, but it never stopped him looking out for Zach, never seemed to hold him back from ensuring that they were friends. Zach's spent most of his life being on the outside of wherever he was and Shaun sometimes wonders if he'll ever truly get past that. At home, he was the kid who thought he was better than everyone else because he'd got the scholarship to the pretentious school. At school, he was the scholarship kid, fighting to be accepted, to prove he deserved to be there, that he wasn't just ghetto trash. Gabe saw past all that, saw past the jeers of the other rich kids, saw past the attitude of some of the teachers who behaved like Zach shouldn't be there, shouldn't be getting the opportunities he was.
And Gabe has stuck by Zach, through thick and thin, through his mom's death, through Jeanne and Cody and now through them. Everything that should have driven them apart, when Zach was overburdened with responsibility and Gabe had none, didn't. Throughout everything their friendship was the one thing that came through almost unscathed. It was awkward for a while, like Gabe wasn't sure who to be around them, like he was waiting for it all to go wrong and dreading being caught between the two of them, because they all know Shaun's own relationships have never been this secure before. But things are fine now, Gabe's found a way to be brother and friend and he's fitted in uncle for Cody too, actually starting to grow up some and think about the future, like just a little bit of Zach has finally rubbed off on him.
So that still leaves Shaun floundering under the weight of what to do this evening for their anniversary. What would really show Zach just how happy he is that they are still together? He guesses the first thing he should have thought of was getting someone to look after Cody. He pulls his phone from his pocket and makes a quick call, surprised to get a laugh and a "Sure Shaun. Drop him round whenever." When he hangs up, he can't help feeling like he's missing something and he's got no idea what.
He lets himself into their home and it's all quiet. For a moment he wonders where Zach and Cody are, but then some soft music starts and he heads towards the sound. He pauses at the door, greeted by the sight of Zach's ass, covered in a pair of jeans of course, but still . . . The younger man is leant over and it's only when he stands up that Shaun can see he was lighting candles on the table, where everything is set ready for a meal.
Zach's smiling at him, a slightly embarrassed hue to his cheeks as he says, "I know this is kinda . . . yeah, but I just thought . . . it's sort of our anniversary . . ." Shaun is across the room in quick strides wrapping his arms around Zach and pressing a kiss to his temple before adjusting their position for a longer, deeper kiss on the lips.
Zach pulls back a moment or two later, "Dinner's almost ready . . . you want to eat straightaway or go shower."
"Would dinner spoil if I tried to convince you to shower with me?" he laughs gently.
"Maybe later?" Zach replies. He's tense, it's in his voice and his body. Shaun can feel that and hopes it isn't because Zach thinks any of this could be wrong.
"I'll just wash up quick and be back to join you then," Shaun smiles. "Five minutes?" Zach nods and heads back to the kitchen.
When Shaun makes it back, Zach is just beginning to bring the food he's cooked from the kitchen to the table. "That smells good," he says, inhaling the warming aromas. Zach's ability to cook has always been good, but it's come a long way from the quick service diner food he'd been making two years ago. It's not just fast and fried any more for a start.
Zach is still nervous as they sit down together and Shaun pours them both a glass of wine and begins to talk about the meetings he's had today about his latest book. He's hoping that taking the burden of the conversation might give Zach a chance to calm down and feel more at ease, but as the food on his plate steadily disappears he can see it's not having the effect he'd hoped on Zach. The man opposite him still looks wound tight like a spring and is pushing more food around his plate than he's eating, which is a waste of all his effort in preparation in Shaun's opinion.
"Zach?" he says softly, the gentle question implicit he hopes. The way Zach jumps at the sound of his name is a surprise to them both and the younger man looks away guiltily. Shaun reaches out to catch his hand, rubbing a thumb across his knuckles in the hope of giving reassurance.
"I . . . There's something – I was thinking . . ." Zach shuts his eyes for a moment, breathes deeply, then tries again, "Today is or at least it kind of is our anniversary . . ."
Shaun can't help but smile and ask, "Kind of?"
Zach blushes, "Last year this was the day we celebrated." Shaun nods acceptance of the answer for now. "I thought we could celebrate again today. Cody's at Shelley's, he's sleeping over so . . . we're okay until the morning. I – I got you a present or . . . kind of . . . us, if you like it . . ."
Shaun's eyes widen in surprise, wondering what Zach might have bought. Zach turns his own hand to take hold of Shaun's, keeping it still and open. He drops two small boxes into Shaun's open palm, then takes his own hand back, looking away anxiously. Shaun carefully opens both boxes to see a ring in each, a thick band etched with a series of lines. Bringing it closer to examine the lines, Shaun realizes it's a miniaturized version of one of Zach's early skyline sketches. The whole concept of fitting one of Shaun's sketches on to a ring is just awesome and Shaun for a moment is lost for words until he looks up and see that Zach still won't meet his eye, is still chewing on his lip and doesn't know what Shaun's going to think.
Shaun's out of his seat in an instant and kneeling beside Zach, catching his hands in his and pulling them up to place a gentle kiss on his knuckles. "This is stunning, Zach. They're beautiful. I can't think of anything more perfect than knowing I'm wearing a ring that you designed and that you're wearing its partner.
Zach nods, but rather than happy, he looks on the verge of tears. Shaun leans forward, stretching up to kiss his lips. "God Zach, they're just so perfect."
Zach leans forward too, a whisper in his ear saying, "I just wanted to make you happy, just like you make me feel. You do so much for me, Shaun, me and Cody and . . . I want you to know how much I love you."
"I – love – you – too, babe," Shaun asserts, needing more than ever to have Zach believe him. "I love you too, always."