Title: Raindrops
Rating: T for language
Summary: After the events of 'Sunday', Rodney's not coping well but who will save him from himself?
Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Stargate Altantis, no matter how many times I wish for I did.
Author's Note: I've been taking a break from writing SGA fanfic, but I was watching some amazing fanvids and I just had to write something about 'Sunday'. I'm not sure whether this is a decent 'Sunday' fic, but I thought I'd give it a go. I hope you enjoy it, and please let me know what you think.
Soft raindrops fell lightly onto an upturned face, mingling with the tears already falling freely from closed eyes. Dark storm clouds seemed to be mirroring the mood that had overtaken countless personnel. The great city of Atlantis, once so bright and majestic now looked sad and lonely. It stood alone in the great ocean of swirling waves; it's spires shooting up into the sky. The Ancients had indeed built a splendid city, a wonderful place to live in, but once you lost someone who helped make the world turn then the gigantic construction seemed to change in appearance. Every hallway was darker and more menacing, every room was smaller and more claustrophobic, and every person that you passed looked sad and tired.
Waves crashed against the bottom piers of Atlantis, causing water to slosh over the sides. No sounds could be heard over the waves, the rain and the wind. These three things seemed to take over everything, not allowing any other sound to intrude on their dominance. Words would be lost, if any were uttered. No, the male who was stood on the end of the balcony with his face upturned had not said a word since arriving. He'd given up on words a few days ago, when he'd had to say goodbye to his best friend. The funeral had taken a lot out of him, emotionally, and now after the week he'd spent back on earth he'd had to come back to Atlantis. To sort out more problems, and to show that life went on. It'd been a week and a half since Carson Beckett had been ripped from them, taken in a fiery blaze. A blaze of glory.
Rodney McKay had tried to carry on as normal, but had failed miserably in all his attempts. Every time he tried to sit down to continue with his work, he'd find something that would distract him or he would get overly annoyed with some stupid idiot's pathetic attempt at something. So far they'd cut him a bit of slack, knowing that he'd just lost one of the few people who could actually stand him, but he felt like they were getting to the end of their tether. He didn't care really; he'd rather have people shouting at him than have people pity him. If they shouted then he could shout back, but if they tried to console him then he didn't know what to do. For the past few nights he'd been unable to sleep, this hadn't exactly helped his irritation with his colleagues. Normally he would have gone to Carson complaining about some new illness or disease that he'd read about somewhere, but now…now the thought of the infirmary sent a chill down his spine. He'd been in there once already, and all the warmth seemed to have gone. There was no comforting Scottish brogue, no happy nurses to annoy…there was just this empty void where a part of their 'family' had disappeared.
Slowly Rodney allowed his eyes to open, drops of rain continued to fall on his face but he didn't seem to care. Already he was soaked through, his hair plastered down against his head. What was the point of escaping the rain when he was already soaked? He lowered his head slightly, and allowed his gaze to look across the churning waters that surrounded the city. He'd been down in the depths of that ocean before, almost died underneath the suffocating mass. What would it be like to throw himself off this balcony and enter those depths once more? Would he notice the cold? Would he regret it? Probably not. Sure he had people who he cared for here, but would they really miss him? Sometimes he felt like he was just a spare part, someone who would turn up, fix whatever he had to and then faded into the background. After Duronda people had lost faith in his abilities, and even now he felt like they were questioning his every move. Whenever he entered one of the labs at least one scientist would throw him a dirty look, before turning back to their work. He should let this bother him, but it did. Every time he received one of those looks he felt another bit of this wall, he'd so carefully and lovingly built up to hide him from everything around him, was chipped away. There seemed to be a small man with a chisel desperate to make him crumble. Carson's death had been the last straw, he'd snapped. He'd shouted at John, at Elizabeth. Trashed his room, breaking everything in there including his laptop. Then there'd been the period of silence, where he'd gone to work, did his job but never spoke. His face would always be pale, and no one would ever dare approach him.
"Rodney! I know you can hear me! Please just answer!" The pleading female voice sounded in his ear, and he jumped slightly. He hadn't realised that he'd left his radio on, a hand rose and he switched it off before it could distract him once more. The concern in Elizabeth's voice didn't seem to register in his mind; her voice just seemed to be an incessant buzzing in his head. Now that the radio was turned off, it was his inner voice, which was buzzing at him.
Tears still rolled down his cheeks but he seemed unaware of them, the feeling in most parts of his body had gone a long time ago. His fingers felt numb; his toes were probably frozen solid. It would be easier to go back inside, to a nice warm room. But where was the warmth now a days? The warmth had been there when he'd shared a secret bottle of scotch with Carson and John in his room, after a hard day's work. The warming glow had been there when he'd managed to buy his two best friends the perfect Christmas presents, a small 'make yourself' battleship for John and some fantastically restored classical music for Carson. That day he'd received smiles, and they'd laughed around the giant tree in the mess hall.
He'd been told that those feelings returned after a while, and that he should allow these new feelings to consume him. Why not? What if these feelings made him feel human? More human, more vulnerable then he'd ever been before. Some people didn't believe that he really was a human being; they thought he was some sort of android that never felt pain, only fear.
"Rodney?" Somehow the voice managed to carry above the wind and rain, loud enough for Rodney to hear it. He didn't turn however; instead he stayed where he was, wanting to be carried away by the wind.
"Rodney!" The voice was becoming insistent, but still the scientist would not turn. Why should he give Sheppard the satisfaction of seeing him fall apart?
"Rodney, what the hell are you doing out here?" John's voice was closer now, and he knew that the soldier was standing too near him. Why couldn't the man respect privacy? Rodney was sure that the guy had boundary issues.
"Rodney?" A hand touched his shoulder, warm and firm. The scientist refused to turn; instead he wrenched his shoulder from the other man's grip.
"Go away." He called over the wind, moving against the rails on the balcony. His gaze continued to follow the waves crashing underneath him.
"No. What are you doing out here?" Could he tell him the real answer? The fact that every time he rounded a corridor he kept seeing Carson's face, disappearing in a fireball. The fact that every time he closed his eyes he was greeted with memories.
"Why do these things happen?" He muttered, half-hoping that his friend wouldn't hear him. Unfortunately his wish was not granted.
"What things?" God the man could be dense sometimes!
"Death."
"Oh," John seemed lost for words momentarily, "Because everything has its time. We can't stay around forever."
"Why not? The Ancients did so much; they created an Ascension machine for god's sake! Why can't they sort out a little thing like death?! Why did Carson have to die? What did I do wrong in this life, to deserve this?" His hands had flown to the rails, and he began to contemplate swinging his legs over the metal.
"Look, Rodney, you couldn't have done anything to stop it!"
"Yes I could! I could have gone fishing with him! I could have taught those two idiots better, so that they knew not to touch random Ancient equipment…I could have saved him."
"No you couldn't have McKay! None of us could have stopped that tumour exploding! Stop blaming yourself!" At that Rodney turned to face the soldier, anger blazing inside him. A fist rose and slammed into Sheppard's jaw with a force that even McKay didn't know he was capable of. John stumbled backwards clutching his jaw in surprise, not quite sure what had happened. After a few seconds he recovered, staring at McKay as though he'd gone insane.
"What was that for?"
"Why can't you all just leave me alone? All I've had is pity, I don't need it! I'm not some snivelling child…"
"Well you're bloody well acting like it!" John was flaring up too now,
"I am not!" John made a 'yeah right' eye roll.
"Look just leave me alone," He turned away his anger leaving him as quickly as it had appeared, he grabbed the railings once more.
"No, Rodney! You're coming back inside, and we're gunna talk this out like grown-ups." Rodney sighed, and hung his head. What was so difficult to understand about 'leave me alone'? Surely it was quite a simple concept to understand, and yet here was their chief military officer simple not grasping the idea at all.
"I don't want to go back in."
"What you gunna stay out here all night?" The disbelief was evident in the Colonel's voice, and McKay felt his anger flare once more.
"Why don't you just shut the fuck up! You don't know what I'm going through, I might as well just throw myself off here now, and who would care? Hah, no one. You'd probably all be glad to be rid of me, no more whining McKay to worry about off-world." His fingers were turning white as they clutched the rails tighter than ever before, and he felt himself begin to shiver. He knew that he wasn't going to be able to stand it much longer, not unless John stopped bothering him. Then he'd be able to enter that 'zen-like' trance and just forget about everything.
"What? Is that what you think? You think we just wouldn't care. For the self-confessed smartest man in the world, you're being pretty dense. You're one of my, if not the only, best friend here, and if you think that we'd just skip along happily if you died then you're a idiot," There was silence for a moment, "And I do know how you're feeling. I lost a friend too that day, Rodney. We all lost someone, and we've all lost people before. Grief is a horrible thing, something that none of us know how to deal with, but we get through it. Do you really think Carson would have wanted you to be out here contemplating suicide?" At this Rodney paused, deep down he knew that John was right. He shouldn't be doing this…but he just couldn't stop. He was on a road of self-destruction and he didn't want it to end.
Suddenly he felt his legs give way beneath him, his hands lost their numb grip on the railing and he collapsed on the floor. His brain felt fuzzy, and his vision began to darken.
"McKay!" He felt warm hands rolling him over, tapping his face and shaking him. He looked up to see brown eyes blinking down at him, concern flooding them. Suddenly something caught his eye just beyond the soldier's shoulder, a figure. A familiar figure. Wearing his normal medical uniform, and with a slightly annoyed expression on his face.
"Rodney, why are you doing this?"
"I miss you, I can't do this any longer."
"But don't ye understand, I'm with you all the time. You silly bugger, ye cannae get rid o' me." The Scottish brogue was welcoming, and Rodney felt a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. As he watched Carson a smile appeared on his friend's lips as well.
"But…"
"No buts, Rodney. You've got no excuse tae be like this, I'm always here, always watching out for you. Like the rest of them, you're not alone."
"But Carson…" Carson moved forwards, and stopped right behind John, who still didn't seem to notice him. Instead the Colonel was staring down at Rodney, with an extremely worried expression on his face.
"Rodney, jus' because I'm not around all the time does nae mean that I'm not looking out for ye. You're me best friend Rodney, and I'm always here." Rodney's vision continued to darken,
"Thank-you." The last thing he saw was Carson's smile, before he welcomed the oblivion. He knew that when he woke up he was going to be facing awkward questions from John, Elizabeth and everyone else. But right now he didn't care, right now he knew what he needed to do. He had to move on, live a life for his friend. At some point he'd see him again, and then they could enjoy another bottle of scotch, but right now he had to help his team.
Hope you enjoyed it, and please do read and review, I know you want to )