Someone, somewhere, somehow stole the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters or board games. More fun from my tiny little mind.
The Mystery Of The Missing Glengooile Blue
"Why are we doing this again?" Ray sighed.
"Because this is good practice for our detective skills," Cyril told him.
"Such as they are," Ray admitted.
"It's not like we have an actual Danger Room," Pam spoke up. "Professor Sex."
"Good one," Cheryl giggled.
"So let's just keep going," Cyril sighed. "Who's turn is it?"
"Mine," Krieger said. "I say it's Professor Plum in the library with a micro virus."
"Okay here is everything wrong with that assumption," Cyril sighed. "The most obvious one is that there is no micro virus in this game."
"Well there should be," Krieger folded his arms.
"Krieger…" Cyril groaned.
"It's not a realistic game!" Krieger protested. "For one thing it doesn't have a bathroom."
"Yeah I've noticed that too," Ray added. "Why doesn't it have a bathroom?"
"That makes no sense," Pam remarked. "It's a big ass mansion. Where are people supposed to go to take a dump? In the woods?"
"What about an outhouse?" Cheryl asked.
"It's a freaking mansion!" Pam snapped. "Rich people don't crap in outhouses!"
"Well they did before indoor plumbing," Cheryl said.
"But this mansion was obviously built after indoor plumbing was invented," Krieger pointed out.
"What makes you say that?" Ray asked.
"Hello! Look at the board!" Krieger pointed. "There is clearly a refrigerator depicted in the kitchen. As well as an indoor sink!"
"Somebody call John Harrington!" Cheryl called out.
"And that looks like a post 1923 model Frigidaire!" Krieger said triumphantly. "So logically that means this mansion was built during a time period when indoor plumbing was used!"
"Well maybe the kitchen was remodeled?" Cyril asked sarcastically. "Did you ever think of that?"
"But if they remodeled the kitchen why not put in a bathroom too?" Cheryl asked.
"Exactly!" Krieger nodded.
"Plus it's a known fact that way more deadly accidents happen in the bathroom than anywhere else," Pam spoke up. "Unless you're Archer of course but still…"
"What in the name of all that is stupid…?" Lana asked as she walked into the bullpen. She saw her friends and co-workers sitting around a table playing a board game.
"We're playing Clue," Pam said.
"And before you ask," Cyril spoke up. "It's to sharpen our detective skills."
"Such as they are," Ray sighed.
"Again, we don't have a Danger Room!" Cheryl spoke up.
"Not for lack of suggestions," Krieger looked at Cyril.
"We can't afford a Danger Room!" Cyril snapped. "And honestly I don't want to dodge buzz saws and flamethrowers all day!"
"I wouldn't mind the flamethrowers," Cheryl spoke up.
"Can we just back up to why you think a board game would help us be better detectives?" Lana asked.
"To practice deductive reasoning," Cyril explained. "For example, there is no micro virus in the game. Therefore Mr. Body wasn't killed by a micro virus!"
"Or a bathroom," Pam added. "So he wasn't killed in there."
"Yeah why doesn't Clue have a bathroom?" Lana asked. "I've always wondered about that."
"See?" Krieger said. "I'm not the only one!"
"Can we get off the subject of why Clue doesn't have a bathroom?" Cyril snapped.
"It does kind of seem to be a mistake on the designer's part," Lana added. "I mean there are just so many ways you can kill a person in the bathroom. And make it look like an accident."
"Which we have kind of done in the past when we were spies," Ray admitted. "Remember? That Dutch double agent?"
"Made it look like he accidentally electrocuted himself in the bathtub with a radio," Lana nodded. "And Ray remember that KGB assassin you killed? Made it look like he hit his head in the shower while slipping on some soap."
"Yeah," Ray nodded. "He was lousy in the sack."
"My great grand aunt Cordelia Tunt's husband died in the bathroom," Cheryl spoke up. "He accidentally cut his head off while shaving. And then stabbed himself thirty times."
"He stabbed himself after he cut his head off?" Ray did a double take.
"Yes!" Cheryl said cheerfully.
"Imagine that," Pam groaned.
"Well since none of us have a license to kill anymore…" Cyril spoke up.
"Who needs a license?" Krieger asked.
"Yeah!" Cheryl agreed.
"License?" Pam spoke up. "We don't need no stinking license!"
"CAN YOU PEOPLE FOCUS FOR ONE LOUSY SECOND?" Cyril shouted.
Just then a fart was heard. "How long was that?" Pam asked.
"As I was trying to say before my will to live runs out," Cyril sighed. "We need to do something productive in our down time. And since the Zissner debacle…"
"We call it the Double Indecency Incident," Pam spoke up.
"Our phones haven't exactly been ringing off the hook," Cyril went on. "So I thought maybe we could do something to sharpen our detective skills. We might need them in the future."
"All right who did it?" Archer stormed in before Lana could say anything. "Who did it?"
"Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with a knife!" Cheryl spoke up.
"No it was Ms. Scarlet in the lounge with a rope," Ray added.
"Professor Plum in the library with a micro virus!" Krieger spoke up.
"THERE IS NO MICRO VIRUS IN CLUE!" Cyril shouted.
"They're playing Clue in order to sharpen their detective skills," Lana explained. "Such as they are."
"I've never understood that game," Archer admitted. "For one thing it doesn't have a bathroom."
"That's what I said!" Krieger protested.
"Take it up with Anthony E. Pratt!" Cyril snapped.
"Shut up!" Archer barked. "This is important! I need to know which one of you did it! Come on! Confess!"
"You're going to have to be a lot more specific with this group," Ray gave him a look. "Because that could literally mean anything around here."
"Oh right," Archer realized. "But I'm talking about my Glengoolie Blue that I put in the refrigerator last night. I went to drink it and it's gone! So which one of you took it?"
"Are you sure you just didn't drink it yourself?" Cyril asked. "You know? During one of your blackouts?"
"I don't get blackouts," Archer waved.
"Yeah you kind of do," Pam told him. "Forth of Ju-Luau ring a bell?"
"Not really," Archer said. "It's mostly pretty fuzzy."
"That's because you had a blackout!" Pam snapped. "And remember Agent Filbert's funeral?"
"No," Archer said.
"Blackout," Pam said.
"I don't remember an Agent Filbert or a funeral," Archer blinked.
"Trust us. We do," Lana gave him a look. "And so did his wife and family."
"Your mother was so pissed when you tried to have sex with his sister on that coffin," Cheryl laughed.
"I wouldn't do that!" Archer barked.
"Technically you didn't," Ray shrugged. "Not for lack of trying on your part…"
"You have no idea how close you came to being charged with sexual assault," Lana said.
"I tried to rape Agent Filbert's sister?" Archer was stunned.
"No, you tried to rape the coffin," Pam said. "The sister changed her mind and walked away but you kept on going…"
"Stop!" Archer held up his hand.
"That's what we said," Ray told him. "Phrasing!"
"What are you idiots doing now?" Mallory walked in carrying a bottle of champagne.
"Talking about Agent Filbert's funeral," Pam spoke up.
"Oh god I wish I could forget that horrible day," Mallory groaned. "Who tries to rape a coffin in front of the widow?"
"So that really happened?" Archer asked.
"Yes! You had another one of your stupid blackout drunks," Mallory snapped. "Like the infamous Fourth of Ju-Luau."
"One of Archer's more successful attempts to have sex with a corpse," Ray quipped.
"Speaking of corpses we're playing Clue in order to sharpen our detective skills," Krieger spoke up.
"I never understood that game. Why does a mansion not have a bathroom?" Mallory asked.
"Can we forget about the damn board game for a minute?" Archer snapped. "And focus on the problem at hand?"
"Archer's freaking out because he can't find some Scotch which he probably already drank," Cyril explained.
"This is not some Scotch Cyril," Archer snapped. "This is prime Glengoolie Blue! And I want to know which one of you assholes stole my bottle!"
"As opposed to the fact that it's usually you who steals our bottles," Cyril gave him a look.
"Oh really Cyril?" Archer snapped. "You took my Scotch didn't you? You've always been jealous! Admit it!"
"I didn't steal your stupid booze," Cyril snapped. "But if you paid for it with agency money technically it would be my booze! Or at the very least the agency's booze which is for everyone."
"Besides there are at least a half dozen other bottles of alcohol in there," Lana pointed out. "Drink one of them."
"It's the principle of the thing!" Archer snapped. "And interesting of you to notice Lana!"
"What? You think I drank your stupid Scotch?" Lana gave him a look. "You actually think I would drink an entire bottle of Scotch?"
"No…" Archer's eye ticked. "But you would pour it out!"
"I didn't touch your stupid bottle you baby!" Lana barked. "I learned long ago trying to get you sober is next to impossible!"
"Have you Lana? Because I don't think you have!" Archer said. "You were jealous!"
"I was jealous about a bottle of Scotch?" Lana asked.
"You were jealous of a bottle of Scotch!" Archer snapped.
"You realize how stupid you sound, right?" Lana asked.
"Are you sure you didn't already drink the Scotch?" Ray asked. "Because it kind of sounds like you did."
"I didn't drink my Scotch!" Archer protested. "One of you did!"
"Or maybe you just drank it yourself and forgot about it?" Mallory snapped.
"I think I'd remember drinking an entire bottle of Scotch, Mother!" Archer snapped.
"Not if you had a blackout," Mallory said. "Which you probably did."
"That is the more likely scenario," Pam asked.
"Oh you'd like for me to think that wouldn't you Pam?" Archer turned on her. "Or you Ray! Or you Krieger! We all know you're a food rapist! Or you…Mother!"
"Now I know you're plastered," Mallory gave him a look.
"No I'm not!" Archer snapped. "That's the problem! AH HA! In your hands is proof!"
Mallory blinked at her son. "This is a Laurent Perrier."
"EXACTLY!" Archer crowed.
"What exactly does exactly mean?" Pam blinked. Cheryl began to speak up. "I mean in this case, not the literal definition Cheryl!"
"Oh, that makes more sense," Cheryl nodded.
"You stole my Glengoolie Blue because you wanted a Laurent Perrier!" Archer said. "You're always stealing my things and giving them away!"
"Sterling…" Mallory gave him a look. "I just got this bottle today as a gift. For Ron. For our anniversary."
"It's your anniversary already?" Pam asked.
"Yes!" Mallory snapped.
"Wait, you didn't use company funds did you?" Cyril snapped. "Oh hell no! You did! Didn't you?"
"Gee what a shock," Ray rolled his eyes.
"Don't worry," Mallory said. "We can write it off as a business expense."
"No we can't!" Cyril shouted.
"Listen!" Mallory snapped. "Technically Ron is an investor in this agency. I'm just giving him a small return on his investment."
"Does Ron know he's an investor in this agency?" Lana asked.
"Who are you?" Mallory snapped. "The FCC?"
"Enough!" Archer snapped. "You're all suspects! In fact, maybe all of you did it! Just like that Agatha Christie book!"
"How could we all….?" Lana groaned. "On second thought I don't want to know. I don't want to know what is going on in that booze soaked brain of yours."
"I'm telling you," Cyril said. "He drank the bottle and now he's plastered out of his mind."
"That would imply he was ever in his right mind to begin with," Ray remarked.
"Oh ha, ha, ha…" Archer said sarcastically.
"I'm not so sure that theory is so far off the mark," Mallory gave her son a look.
"Nevertheless! You are all suspects!" Archer snapped. "So I'm going to need fingerprints!"
"For what?" Cyril snapped. "We all use the refrigerator! Of course you're going to find all our fingerprints on it!"
"Well except the ones on Ray's hand that has a glove on it," Pam spoke up.
"This is a criminal investigation people!" Archer snapped. "I need to study the crime scene! Take notes! Interrogate witnesses! Do some hard core detective work! It's the only way I'm going to find out who committed this crime!"
"Or we could just look at the footage on the agency's security cameras," Krieger spoke up.
"What?" Archer blinked.
Ten minutes later…
"Okay so we've queued up the security footage to exactly when you put your Glengoolie Blue into the refrigerator," Krieger said as he sat in the conference room. "Which was yesterday afternoon. Now we're going to run it until we find out exactly what happened to your bottle."
"Can I say for the record that I am strongly opposed to being videotaped in our workplace?" Lana spoke up.
"Like we can stop you?" Mallory rolled her eyes.
"I know, right?" Archer snorted.
"I am just saying this raises all sorts of privacy issues!" Lana barked.
"Lana everybody knows pretty much all of everyone's business around here," Pam told her.
"Mostly because you blab it all," Ray gave her a look.
"Yeah so?" Pam asked.
"If we're done with Lana's prerequisite moral outrage can we get on with this?" Cheryl groaned. "I am so behind on my paperwork!"
"I'm only asking in the slight hope you mean actual paperwork…" Mallory sighed. "But I know it's something stupid…But what the hell? What paperwork?"
"Uh those papers won't shred themselves!" Cheryl said. "Duh!"
"I know I haven't given you any papers to shred lately…" Mallory frowned.
"I gave her some random…Busy work," Krieger coughed. "Let's just say I have to cover some tracks and leave it at that."
"We will," Archer said. "Now can we get on with this? Unless Lana wants to be morally outraged some more?"
"You know…?" Lana gave him a look.
"Let's roll this baby," Krieger fast forwarded the footage.
The scene played out like this in fast forward. Archer left the refrigerator. Lana came in to get some coffee and then walked out. Pam came in to get a bear claw and walked out eating it. Then Cheryl walked in and went into the refrigerator. Then took out a jar of glue.
"Why do you put your glue in there?" Ray asked.
"Because it's fresher and cooler! Duh!" Cheryl waved.
"And apparently more potent," Krieger remarked as Cheryl onscreen took a hit of glue then passed out giggling on the floor.
"Huh," Pam remarked. "I wondered why she was down there."
Then Pam came in and stepped over the giggling Cheryl to get another bear claw. Cyril walked in and put in the refrigerator what appeared to be a sub sandwich. Cyril and Pam talked while Cheryl lay on the floor giggling. Milton zoomed in and out. Pam and Cyril left Cheryl on the floor. Cheryl eventually got up and staggered away.
Pam walked back in and got a beer and another bear claw. Ray walked in smoking a cigarette and talked to Pam and then he got a beer. Then Krieger came in with some blintzes and a couple of hits of what looked like weed. Ray, Pam and Krieger stood there for a bit drinking beer, eating blintzes and having the occasional toke.
"Okay so far nothing suspicious," Archer commented.
"So that's why the break room always smells like a bakery run by Jerry Garcia," Lana rolled her eyes.
The three of them left the break room. Mallory walked in later and smelled the air. She looked a little suspicious of what happened but ignored it. She went into the refrigerator.
"Here it comes!" Archer whooped. "The smoking gun!"
And she pulled out a bottle of what looked like champagne. "How much champagne did you buy?" Cyril shouted.
"What? I didn't want it to spoil!" Mallory protested.
"Really?" Pam gave her a look. "That old line?"
Mallory left and for a bit the breakroom was empty. Then a certain robot bear scampered in the breakroom. "Teddly?" Krieger was stunned.
"Your robot bear stole my scotch?" Archer was stunned.
"Apparently not," Krieger pointed out as Teddly took out Cyril's sandwich and started humping it.
"Oh Jesus Krieger!" Cyril shouted. "That was my lunch!"
"And apparently Teddly's playdate," Ray quipped.
"Krieger we need to have a little talk about what goes on in your lab sometime," Archer groaned.
"Must we?" Cyril moaned. "I've learned over the years that the less we know the less liable we are."
"I have never seen a more disgusting group of layabouts and sex crazed goldbrickers in my life," Mallory sniffed as Teddly put the sandwich back.
"Well not all of us can sit in our office and drink champagne all day!" Cyril snapped at her.
"But you do eat robot bear sex toys," Pam pointed as Cyril on screen took out his sub and started eating it.
"Oh God!" Cyril groaned as everyone laughed.
"This investigation is a lot more fun than I thought it would be," Archer snickered.
The screen sped up until it was nighttime. Then in the night Mallory and Ron could be seen entering the break room. "What's Ron doing here?" Pam asked.
"Uh oh…" Archer blinked. "Something's coming back to me now…"
"Uh we can skip this part," Mallory coughed.
"No way Whore-Hey!" Cheryl laughed as she saw Ron and Mallory making out on screen.
"You really like the whipped cream don't you?" Ray snickered as Mallory took out a can of whipped cream.
"You bet she does!" Pam hooted.
"Uh you know I don't think this is necessary after all," Archer said quickly as Ron and Mallory left the break room.
"Oh on the contrary," Pam grinned. "I think it is. Krieger is there audio on this thing?"
"Yeah," Krieger said. "Why?"
"Put it back in regular time and turn it up," Pam gave Mallory a look.
"What good would that do?" Archer asked.
"Wait for it…" Pam folded her arms.
"Wait for what?" Archer said nervously.
"I think I know," Cyril smirked.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Archer was heard screaming off camera.
"There it is!" Cyril waved.
An image of Archer staggering into the break room was shown. And it was shown that he grabbed the bottle of Glengoolie Blue out of the refrigerator and started drinking it. Krieger froze the image on screen. Everyone looked at him.
"Oh," Archer blinked. "I guess I did drink it after all."
"THAT'S WHAT I SAID AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS STUPID INQUEST!" Cyril shouted.
"I guess that means Cyril wins the game," Cheryl said cheerfully.
"Archer," Lana gave him a look. "Is there something you might want to say?"
"Yes. Yes I do," Archer said. "Mother what the hell?"
"I was giving Ron an anniversary surprise!" Mallory snapped.
"Oh it was a surprise all right," Pam laughed. "Bow-chicka-wow-wow!"
"Shut up Pam!" Archer snapped. "Mother that is definitely a breach of office protocol! You should know better than to be so casual about a place of business!"
"Seriously?" Mallory gave her son a look. "That's what you're going with?"
"You're not getting away with misdirection this time Archer!" Lana barked. "I think you owe us all an apology!"
"For what?" Archer blinked.
"For wrongly accusing us of something you did!" Cyril snapped.
"Not going to happen," Archer turned off the computer. "So I think this was a rather productive meeting. Any questions?"
"I have a question," Pam said. "Do we all beat this asshole up now? Or do we take turns doing it?"
"I'll handle this," Mallory still had the bottle of champagne. She picked it up from the table. "Sterling…"
WHAM!
"Ooohhhhh…" Archer lay on the floor dazed and confused.
"It was Ms. Archer in the conference room," Ray quipped. "With a Laurent Pettier!"