Title: Everybody Needs Somebody
Rating: Teen
Warnings: Language
Pairings/Characters: Klaine/Kurt, Rachel, Sue, Blaine, The Warblers, Various Cheerios, New Directions
Summary: or Rachel Barbara Berry's Five Steps to Setting Kurt Hummel Up. AU after Duets. Rachel Berry has little experience in the dealings of "friends." So in order to be a better friend to Kurt, she tries to set him up. Kurtchel friendship. Klaine
AN: I wrote this in celebration of Original Song. KLAINE KISS FTW! Anyway, this came from a prompt on the Glee Fluff Meme: Rachel decides Kurt needs a boyfriend. She knows whoever Is to be Kurt's boyfriend must be as talented as Kurt for it to work and that no one at McKinley fits the bill and is gay she decides to look into other schools glee clubs to find his mr right. She discovers Blaine (I have no idea how buy work with me here this is Rachel We are talking about). Blaine doesn't have to be the first guy she sets Kurt up with. Kurt goes on the date(s) out a morbid curiosity of who Rachel things is good for him and that there is actually other gay guys in Ohio besides Rachel's gay Dads. Bonus points if +Rachel turns up to Dalton Warbler practice and starts interviewing Blaine and he and the other Warblers have no idea what's going on+Rachel gets all smug and superior when Kurt and blaine become boyfriends.
Edit 1: I changed the number that Rachel zoomed in on. I had written 5 instead of 4. Thank you so much bagofpopcorn for catching that!
.
XXX
.
Rachel Berry had little experience in the dealings of "friends." Boyfriends, she could deal with. Rivals were more than okay, but friends? That was just a Pandora's box Rachel had never opened, mainly because nobody had ever wanted to be her friend.
Until now.
Ever since she and Kurt sang that duet together, they grew closer and closer (it wasn't a big improvement, they had been mortal enemies before this), until eventually, Rachel found herself being invited to the coveted Kurt/all Glee girls (formerly known as Kurt/All Glee Girls excluding Rachel) weekly sleepovers, and she finally discovers all the joys and wonders of being Kurt's friend.
Unfortunately, two days into being Kurt's friend Rachel found herself way out of her depth—something that has never and never should've happen to her.
Until now (a lot of things that have never happened to her have started to happen ever since she became friends with Kurt).
Since Rachel will accept nothing except perfection from herself, she immediately does some research on how to be the perfect friend. This included watching Mean Girls, reading various novels about friendship and backstabbing lying bitches (she has a thing for drama, sue her) and other various TV shows about the power of friendship. Her research was helpful (since when was it not?) and after several hours of summarizing her countless notes she came to several conclusions:
1. Plans to take down bitchy people never work
2. Ice cream is a must in any girl-friendship
3. Sisterhood is a bond that is never broken, except when necessary for the plot (which is almost always)
4. Girls always look for ways to set their friends up on dates.
5. All popular girls are bitchy whores. Or idiots.
Rachel automatically zoomed in on number 4. She could totally do that to be better friends with Kurt! After all, she prided herself in being an expert matchmaker (she didn't actually have any experience), and Kurt needed a boyfriend who was as fabulous as him (don't tell Kurt she said that), so obviously, she was the perfect match to do it.
Rachel Barbara Berry was going to find Kurt a boyfriend in order to prove that she could be a good friend.
But first she needed a plan.
This called for more research.
.
XXX
.
Rachel Barbara Berry's Five Step Plan to Setting Kurt Hummel Up
1. Find suitable candidates(Note: They have to be gay)
2. Weed out from suitable candidates people whom Kurt would actually date (Note: Find out Kurt's type)
3. Interview the people who made it past step 2
4. Analyze interviews and rank them by how compatible they are with Kurt
5. Set them up (and say I told you so when it all works out—because, let's face it. It's going to work out)
.
XXX
.
Step One: Find Suitable Candidates
The downside of living in Lima, Ohio, is the lack of gay guys. Not that this is normally much of a problem for Rachel, but when it comes to setting Kurt up it's a huge problem. But Rachel isn't going to let the lack of gay guys in Lima affect her. Did Elphaba's status as a social outcast prevent her from making lasting friendships? No, and the tiny insignificant fact that there are no single gay men in Lima certainly isn't going to stop Rachel from setting Kurt up.
She's just going to have to expand her options, that's all.
"Rachel, sweetheart, me and Papa are going to the LGBT meeting, do you want to come?" Hiriam Berry's voice drifted up from downstairs.
Rachel lit up; a LGBT meeting would be the perfect place to find gay guys to set Kurt up with. Especially since GSA clubs from all over Ohio went to these meetings. She placed her pink fluffy pen in the journal she was writing her 5 step plan in and got up. "Yes, Daddy. Give me a second to get ready."
"Okay. Be down in 5 minutes."
Rachel put on one of her sweaters (an absolute adorable one with a panda eating a bamboo stalk on it) and grabbed her bag, shoving the journal she just put down into it. You never knew when you needed to take notes, and if this meeting went as successfully as she thought it would, then she'd definitely need to make a list (Rachel liked lists…a lot).
The car ride was long and relatively painless. She says relatively painless because her two gay dads started questioning her about Finn ("I'm just making sure that Finn is treating our little star alright"), which was just awkward, even if she did appreciate their concern in her love life.
Finally, they managed to get to the building where the monthly meeting was held, and Rachel shot out of the car, already strategizing ways to collect the optimal amount of gay guy's names as possible before the meeting adjourned.
Kurt was so going to thank her for this (or bitch her out and burn her sweaters).
The meeting room was wide and open, and already there were a multitude of people milling about. Rachel sidled up to a girl who looked about her age, "Hello, my name is Rachel Berry," She stuck her hand out for the girl to shake, but the girl ignored it, so Rachel pressed on, "Do you know any single guys?"
The girl frowned at her, "Yeah, but most of them are gay."
Rachel grinned, "Even better!" She took out her pen and journal from her bag, "Can you tell me their names?"
"…Listen, if you have some kink about trying to turn gay guys straight I think you should leave. It's kind of seems homophobic."
Rachel gasped before beginning to rant indignantly as girl started to walk away, "I'll have you know that I have two gay dads, so I've been raised not to be homophobic. The fact that you even suggested th—Hey, where are you going?"
The girl ignored Rachel and kept on walking; Rachel frowned, but shrugged, deciding to cut her losses. She turned to the nearest teenage guy.
"Hello, I'm Rachel Berry. Are you single?"
(The guy totally didn't call her a "bisexual whore" and throw what she hoped was water in her face.)
.
XXX
.
Interlude One: Rachel Tries to Find Out Kurt's Type
When Rachel began taking notes during Kurt's sleepovers, Kurt thought nothing of it. He didn't know Rachel well enough yet to distinguish this from any of her other odd divaisms. It was a little strange, but then again, so was Rachel. Kurt was quite happy to ignore it, but then Rachel began asking…questions.
"Kurt, do you find shortness more attractive in a guy or tallness? Since you had an inappropriate crush on Finn, I assume you'd find tallness in guys more attractive, but one can never be too certain." Rachel chirped, her ever present journal at her side. Quinn, Mercedes and Tina had gone upstairs to get more snacks, Santana was listening to her iPod and Kurt was painting Brittany's nails, so Rachel had taken this period of time to question Kurt about his "type."
Kurt rolled his eyes,"I refuse to answer on the grounds that I don't want to."
"Well then, what color eyes do you prefer? Do you have a preferred race? What would be your ideal date? What's your favorite flower?"
"Rachel, you sound like a stalker." Kurt glanced at Rachel and sniffed disdainfully at her sweater, "A poorly dressed stalker. Your outfit looks like a toddler who was obsessed with The Littlest Pet Shop put it together with her colorblind grandmother. Is that really a koala on your sweater?"
"Yes," Rachel picked at her sweater shamefully (not that she was ashamed of her sweater, but Kurt had this way of saying things that made her feel ashamed).
Kurt rolled his eyes and went back to painting Brittany's nails.
Thankfully, he had managed to forget about this entire episode until Rachel sat next to him during Glee and had whispered very loudly during one of 's stupid pep talks about not giving up or some crap like that, "Do you find dark hair or light hair more attractive?"
"Rachel, why do you need to know this?" Kurt's eyes narrowed, "Are you in love with me? Because I'm gay and since you have "two gay dads" as you remind us every day, you should know better than to try to turn gay guys straight. And I've already tried being straight, remember? I dated Brittany—" Brittany waved at the sound of her name, "—wore flannel and sang Mellencamp. It didn't work out."
Brittany leaned over, "He's a really good kisser. His lips taste like lady orgasms."
Kurt flushed and turned to the front, trying really hard to not think about what exactly "lady orgasms" tasted like, his conversation with Rachel forgotten.
Regrettably, Rachel still hadn't found out Kurt's type, and judging by her notes on Kurt's behavior, she never was. This was a cause for some problems, seeing as how was Rachel supposed to exercise her amazing matchmaking skills, if she didn't know the preferred type of one of the people she was setting up? But then again, she and Kurt were so alike that obviously they must share the same type.
Right?
.
XXX
.
Step Two:Weed out People from Suitable Candidates
Rachel had finally managed to secure a list of names of gay guys in Ohio from the LGBT meeting, even though it had taken most of the night, several outfit changes and more than a little bit of underage drinking. The next step was to find out who was a reasonable good match for Kurt.
This called for some more research. (Read: Stalking)
Her first step was to compile a list of all the things that Rachel thought Kurt would find attractive (or a list of things Rachel found attractive, and since she and Kurt were so similar, assumed he would find them attractive also):
1. Talent
2. Dark Hair
3. Attractiveness
4. Jock (optional)
5. Pleasant personality
Her next step was to stalk their Myspaces. Except their Myspaces were either nonexistent or hadn't been updated for at least the past two years.
When had Myspace become so unpopular?
Nevertheless, Rachel wouldn't let that get her down. She would just have to stalk their profiles on that other social networking site…Bookface? No. Facebook. Yeah, Facebook.
Facebook, thankfully, had a plethora of information that she could use to weed out the names on her list and she manages to cross off plenty of people off her list. It was going so well until she realized that there were still some people on her list that didn't have a Facebook, or their profile was private and they didn't accept her friend request (no one did, surprisingly enough).
Rachel needed to find out whether or not one of those boys would be a good match for Kurt. What if one of them was his soulmate, and she overlooked him because she couldn't find out anything about him? No, she was going to find out one way or another, and she knew just the person to help her:
Sue Sylvester.
"So, Man Hands." Sue swiveled her chair so she faced Rachel, "You've finally realized that that pathetic gathering of whining trilobytes you call "Glee Club" led by a curly-haired manwhore will get you nowhere and have now come to me in hopes that the Cheerios will take you as a sololist and get you on Broadway."
"Actually—"
"Unfortunately for you and fortunately for me, I have all the sololists I need in Ladyface. Even after Ladyface graduates, I have his future schedule arranged so he will be free for all Cheerios practices and competitions. A little thing called "graduation" will never stop a one Sue Sylvester." Sue sneered at Rachel, "Why are you still here? Don't you need to spend all your free time lugging around ungodly amounts of illegally procured lard in order to keep William Shuester's hair in a properly greased state?"
"I wanted to talk to you about Kurt."
"Ladyface?" Sue looked uncharacteristically worried, "What's wrong with him—I only care because it's so close to Sectionals."
Rachel smiled and took out her journal, "As you might have heard—"
"Of course I've heard. Sue Sylvester knows all."
"—me and Kurt have become friends," Rachel continued blithely. "And in order to be a good friend, I have decided to set him up on a date." She opened her journal out to the page with all the names on it, "I have managed to get the names of all the gay single guys I could find in Ohio, but I need to make sure they're compatible with Kurt before going to the next step."
"Give me that," Sue snatched the journal out of Rachel's hands and looked over the list. "I'll have the names of the ones I approve of to you by Monday. Then you'll take the Cheerios and divide the list up accordingly and interview those people. I'm only doing this because I find that sappy couples' appearing at competitions softens the judge's hearts and makes them easier to corrupt."
Sue stood up, "And if you tell anyone I did this, I will come into your house in the middle of your night and rip out your vocal chords." She paused thoughtfully, "Maybe I'll do it anyway. Your voice annoys me."
.
XXX
.
Step Three: Interview the People Who Made it Past Step 2
True to Sue's word, Rachel had the list of people Sue approved of in her hand the following Monday. The next step was to convince the Cheerios to help her, which was surprisingly to do, since all she had to do was say "Kurt" and they were all lining up to get their assignments.
(It turned out that they had been looking for ways to set Kurt up ever since he joined the squad last year).
Rachel had saved the first name on the list for herself, a guy named Blaine Anderson. He went to a school called Dalton Academy in Westerville, about two hours from Lima, and was the lead singer of their Glee club, the Warblers. He had talent, dark hair, was attractive, liked football and played soccer, and from what she could tell from Sue's in depth report, a pleasant personality. In short, he was perfect; on paper anyway.
Rachel walked into the school and checked in by the front desk (they let her in surprisingly easy). The halls were large and rather ornate, and a couple of boys were milling about, whispering as Rachel passed them. She smiled and held her head higher, adding an extra swish in her step—what Finn didn't know wouldn't hurt him.
Finally, Rachel managed to find the right room (at least she hoped it was the right room-the plan for this school was possibly more complicated than Hogwarts and Hogwarts had disappearing rooms and moving staircases) and flung the doors open, interrupting what she assumed was a practice session.
"Is that a girl?" A black boy whispered to the Asian boy next to him.
"Do you think she's single?" The spiky black haired boy on the other side of the Asian one whispered back.
"Go home terrorist!" A blonde boy shouted and everybody turned to look at him. He shrugged.
Rachel dusted off her skirt and pulled out her journal. "I'm looking for a Blaine Anderson."
The boys immediately pushed forward a rather short, but attractive boy. "Hello, I'm Blaine Anderson." He stuck out his hand for Rachel to shake. "And your name is…"
"Rachel Barbara Berry," Rachel shook his hand, "If you'll sit down, I have some things to talk about with you."
"Okay." Blaine led them to a couch, subtly motioning for the Warblers to go away. They left, but Blaine was pretty sure that they were just listening outside the door.
"Well, Blaine Anderson, you've been specially picked out of several candidates to be set up with Kurt Elijah Hummel. You're gay, attractive, and musically talented, which are all qualities that I've found Kurt finds attractive." Rachel took her computer out of her bag and set it in front of the table, "I've compiled a selection of Kurt's performances in order to showcase what a catch Kurt is."
"I really don't want to be—" Blaine was cut off by several whispers from outside the room.
"Damn it Blaine, just let yourself be set up."
"Yeah, get some Blaine!"
"Ask her if she's single for me!"
Blaine whispered back furiously, "Shut up!"
Rachel ignored them, "Please watch, and fill out the questionnaire while you do so." She shoved a pink fluffy pen and a sheaf of papers into Blaine's face before hitting play on the video.
The video in question was a compilation of all of what Rachel considered "Kurt's Sexiest Hits." She had even had Brittany and Santana help pick them out in order to ensure their sexiness. And judging by Blaine's reaction, he thought they were sexy too.
"…uh…um…uh…er…"
"Judging by the drool coming out of you open mouth, you are definitely interested in dating Kurt." Rachel said, marking something down in her journal. "Don't feel embarrassed, my two gay dads have remarked on occasion that Kurt is quite attractive, and even I find him sexually arousing from time to time, especially when he's working in his dad's garage."
Blaine just stared.
Rachel got up to leave, placing a slip of paper in front of Blaine, "Just email me your answers by next Tuesday, and I'll let you know if you've made it to the next round."
As Rachel left, the Warblers filed back in, whispering amongst themselves and laughing at Blaine's dumbstruck face.
The Asian boy spoke up gleefully, "So, anything you want to tell us about Blaine? Like a certain blind date you may or may not get to go on?"
"Shut up, Wesley."
.
XXX
.
Step 4: Analyze interviews and rank them by how compatible they are with Kurt
"How about Michael Morris?" Santana said lazily.
Rachel and the Cheerios were lounging around in Rachel's room, going over the list of 10 boys that they had interviewed. Some after meeting them were a definite "No"—they were either unfashionable, gross, or had an ungodly amount of acne that even Rachel couldn't get past.
"No, his skin tasted like dirt." Brittany said.
"You tasted his skin?" Quinn asked, her eyebrow raised distastefully.
"And felt him up."
"Why?"
Brittany shrugged obliviously, "You told me to get a feel for him, so I did."
"Guys, guys," Rachel said, standing at the front of her room. All the Cheerios looked at her expectantly, "We need to rank the boys in order to set Kurt—"
"Kurt!" A cheerio shrieked.
"—up. Through Coach Sylvester's research and our own, we should have enough information to make an adequate choice."
"Why can't we just pick a name out of a hat?"
Rachel gasped, "Because what if that date goes horribly, because he and Kurt aren't compatible at all and we scar dating for Kurt forever and then Kurt never falls in love and I'll never be able to be his surrogate mother for his and his boyfriend's gay babies and—"
"Cool it, Man Hands," Santana said, "We get it."
"How about Blaine Anderson?" Quinn asked suddenly, pulling out a folder, "He seems nice."
Brittany looked at the picture on the cover of Quinn's folder, "Is he a hobbit? Do you think he could introduce me to Frodo? I want to talk to him about throwing that ring into that mountain."
"…Blaine Anderson?" Rachel looked up with a manic gleam in her eyes, causing most of the Cheerios to shrink back slightly. "Give me that!" She lunged for the folder that Quinn was carrying.
"Get off of me!" Quinn shoved Rachel
Rachel rifled furiously through the folder, "Quinn, call his cell phone. Tell him to be at Breadstix tomorrow at 8. Santana, Brittany, find some way to get Kurt to the date. Everybody," Rachel paused dramatically, "wear your best spy gear. We're going spying tomorrow."
A Cheerio leaned in from where she was doing her nails, "Is she a robot?"
.
XXX
.
Interlude Two: Santana and Brittany Get Kurt to Breadstix
Kurt closed his locker and rolled his eyes at Mercedes, "I don't know what Finn was thinking. I kept telling him that those volcanoes at the science fair were made with food coloring, baking soda and vinegar. I have no idea what possessed him to put actual melted rock into a papier-mâché—"
"Ladyface, Breadstix. Tomorrow at 8. Be there." Santana ordered as she walked past.
"We're setting you up with Frodo's cousin." Brittany whispered as she ran to catch up with Santana.
Kurt was very confused.
.
XXX
.
Step 5a: Set them up
"Quit elbowing me!" A Cheerio that Rachel never bothered to learn the name of hissed at Santana.
"Shut up Isabelle." Santana stepped on Isabelle's face. "I can't see."
A Quinn's voice cackled through the radio. "Me and Britt have placed radio number 1 on the plant by Blaine and Kurt's table. Radio number two is with the waitress. They're going online in three…two..one."
Rachel looked through the window to see Kurt and Blaine already seated and laughing. They must've gotten past the awkward "hey-I'm-you're-blind-date.-Oh-nobody-told-you-that-you-were-being-set-up?-I'm-so-sorry.-Let-me-be-a-gentleman-anyway,"phase really quickly, because the date has only lasted for an hour and already they were joking around like old friends.
"—Yeah, your friend Rachel scares me. How much energy does she have?" Rachel heard Blaine say over the radio.
"A lot. We're pretty sure she doesn't need oxygen to live, but rather runs on her own ego."
The Cheerios and Blaine laughed at that, and Rachel felt her cheeks burn. She was trying to do something nice for Kurt; he didn't have to insult her.
"That seems plausible." Blaine paused and smiled up at Kurt. "I like her though, after all, she did lead me to you."
Rachel squeed and the Cheerios nearly fell over squealing.
"..What are you trying to say?"
"That he's in love with you, you idiot." Santana snapped into the radio.
Rachel saw Blaine grab Kurt's hands, "Look, I've only known you for about an hour, but I really, really like you. And although blind dates usually never work out, I think that we have a very deep connection."
Rachel was pretty sure Kurt was blushing, but since she could only see the back of his head, she wasn't exactly the best authrority.
"I really like you too, Blaine."
"Good," Blaine laughed. "Will you be my boyfriend?"
Kurt's answering kiss made Rachel pretty sure the answer to Blaine's question was a resounding "yes."
.
XXX
.
Step 5b: Tell them "I told you so"
Rachel spent the next week stalking Kurt and Blaine on their various dates and randomly popping up to tell them, "I told you so."
That is, until Mr. Shuester announced their competition for Sectionals: The Warblers.
Rachel's pretty sure her screams could be heard all the way from Westerville.