Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, or the world they live in. They all belong to JK Rowling.
Notes: I felt the sudden urge to write a Lupin story nd I spit this out in less than half an hour. *cringes* Hopefully it's not bad.
Dedicated to any and all Lupin fans out there. :)
The Perfect Excuse
Six days, three hours and twenty nine minutes left, according to the clock on his wall. A Muggle clock, of course, his own clock was much more blatant, telling him that it was 'Time to Eat ... Now!'. Not that he counted, he tried not to, but it was habit he had found himself developing over the past few years. It made it easier somehow, knowing exactly how long he had left before he would turn. A small, bitter smile crossed his thin lips at this thought. Easier . . . what wishful thinking. Nothing would ever make it easier.
A lycanthrope. That's what they called him when they wanted to be polite. A werewolf when they thought they knew him well enough to be brutally honest. The term monster was reserved only to inflict pain upon his already battered heart. It had hurt the first time he had heard it, even the tenth time, but no longer. He knew it was the truth. He, Remus J. Lupin, was a monster.
At one time he'd been happy, human, but it was so long ago that he didn't remember what it felt like. During his years at Hogwarts he had tried to draw into himself, but she wouldn't let him. Another smile, though not so full of self-loathing as the last, playing across his gaunt features.
Lily Evans. His best friend, his closest confidante and, at times, his worst enemy.
He had tried to become a recluse, but she hadn't let him. She had come into the boy's dormitory on that very first evening, much to his utter shock, and have convinced him to come down to the feast.
*
"You're Lupin, right?"
He turned toward her, mouth slightly open. She smirked at his expression.
"I'm Lily Evans."
Lupin nodded. "Nice to meet you. Shouldn't you be down at the feast?"
"Shouldn't you?" she countered, fixing him with a grin.
"I'd really rather not."
"Too bad. You're going."
*
And he had. He had resisted, of course, but only a fool would resist following Lily forever. She could be very persuasive. At the feast he had met Sirius, James and Peter, and in not time at all they had become Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. He had wanted so badly to be the one they ignored, he wanted to be the outcast, the strange one. That way he would have an excuse for the monster inside. If they had taunted and teased him, the uncontrollable hunger that took him monthly would have been justified.
That had been his mentality for seven long years, right up until the moment the real outcast was revealed to be a Death Eater. Severus Snape, the strange one whom they had torn apart, was a follower of the Dark Lord. But he had an excuse, Lupin had repeatedly told himself. They had ripped the poor boys to shreds and that was the perfect excuse.
Apparently, the rest of the world didn't agree with Lupin's conviction. There was no excuse for being a monster, there was never an excuse. Snape had been ostracized and even now, with Dumbledore's trust and approval, he was still looked upon as if he was less than human. It hurt Lupin to see the way they stared at him because he knew Snape didn't deserve that awful glare. Snape had an excuse. Lupin knew he was the true monster, an unjustifiable case of disturbing power and anger. He was the werewolf.
But Lily had never let him believe, not even for a second, that he was evil. She had insisted that no matter what he was, he would always be a good person.
*
"So, you're a little testy once a month," she said, during their sixth year. "I'm not fun three days out of the month either."
Lupin cringed. He hated the female jokes that she attempted to make.
"Light up, Remus," she murmured, glancing at him in concern. "You're a good guy. You're my best friend and we love you. All of us." She gestured to the three boys sitting across the room and Lupin allowed himself to smile.
"You're just like the rest of us."
"Not always."
Lily smiled. "Well, everyone has their little secrets."
*
He missed her, Great Merlin, how he missed her. Without Lily in his life he had no one to turn to. James was dead, Sirius was on the run and Peter was . . . lost to them all. She had been the saving grace of them all and when she died, a part of each of them had died with her. Lupin swore that his heart shrivelled up in his chest the moment he heard, he swore that the wolf inside began to take hold that very instant. Without Lily, who would convince him that he was just like everyone else?
There had been no one to say reassuring words, no one to hug him tightly when he was near a breakdown. There had been no replacement best friend once his was gone, no new girl with flashing eyes and fiery hair. He was alone, completely and truly alone. He had been since the day she had been murdered.
Lupin stifled a heavy sigh. He was so angry, he felt hatred surge through him at everyone. He hated Snape for having the perfect excuse, hated the Marauders for becoming his friends. He hated Lily for not leaving him alone that night, the night that would have decided his fate at the school. He hated Dumbledore for convincing him to take the job at Hogwarts, hated him even more for asking him to house the Mirror of Erised while they found a new place in the school to store it. One more week, he told himself, just one more week sitting in front of the mirror and wasting away, imagining that she's speaking to you.
The Lily in the mirror smiled. "I am, Remus. Speaking to you, I mean."
"Why couldn't you have left me alone?"
"Because you can't live alone," she replied. The reflection appeared to be sitting beside him, her head on his shoulder. He could feel her soft breath across his throat, but knew that she wasn't really there.
"It would have given me-"
"The perfect excuse," Lily interrupted, lifting her head from his shoulder. "I know, Remus. I've heard this story far too many times. Don't you think it's about time you got over yourself?"
He turned to her angrily, forgetting for the moment that she was just a reflection of his heart. Lupin stared into thin air, his mouth open with a thousand burning insults on his tongue, but there was no one to deliver them to.
Lily giggled from the mirror. "You're so strange, Remus. Maybe that's why I love you so much."
"You're dead, Lily," he murmured.
She nodded. "But not gone. Don't you realize why you're seeing me now?"
Lupin shook his head.
She laughed again and wrapped her arms around his thin shoulders. "The Mirror of Erised shows us the deepest, most desperate desires of our hearts. What do you see, Remus? Not a life free of your infliction, but me. My friendship. My love."
"Your biting wit and sarcasm," he mumbled.
Lily beamed. "Exactly. You need a good kick in the ass and I've always been just the person to give it to you."
Lupin raised his bleary eyes to meet the gaze of the reflection. "You're not really going to kick me, are you?"
"I'm tempted, let me tell you," she replied, still smiling. She stared at him for a long moment, her smile softening as the second ticked past. "Six days, two hours and fifty four minutes," she said. "Don't you think it's time you got up and did something with your life, rather than counting down the days until you turn into a werewolf?"
Lupin shrugged halfheartedly. "Maybe."
"Twenty seven days out of the month you are a perfect gentleman," Lily said, cocking her eyebrow. "Not to mention a fairly attractive one once you clean up a bit."
Lupin couldn't help but smile at this comment.
"Get up, Remus," she urged. "Get up and get out. Live your life. Don't waste it just because I did."
"You didn't waste anything!" he protested, standing and going to the mirror. His palm pressed against it and Lily smiled sadly. "You lived so well."
"And I wish I had just a day more," she murmured. "Just one day. Don't waste what you have left, Remus."
Lupin cast his eyes downward. "I am wasting is, aren't I? And here I thought I had-"
"You say the words 'perfect excuse' and I will come through this mirror to strangle you," Lily threatened.
Lupin grinned, still touching the mirror. "I miss you, Lil."
She nodded. "I miss you too."
"Thanks," he said softly.
"Don't make me appear in this mirror again," she replied. "I love you, so don't become something I can't love anymore. Don't waste the man you are."
Lupin nodded and smiled, wider this time. He was thin, shabby and his hair was shot with grey. His features were sallow and gaunt, his clothes hung off his shoulders and looked like he would keel over at any moment. But none of that mattered anymore. As Lily Evans faded from the mirror, Lupin saw only himself. In his hand he was carrying a tattered briefcase with the name Professor R.J. Lupin stamped across it.
He chuckled softly. It was time to go back.
End
Notes: I felt the sudden urge to write a Lupin story nd I spit this out in less than half an hour. *cringes* Hopefully it's not bad.
Dedicated to any and all Lupin fans out there. :)
The Perfect Excuse
Six days, three hours and twenty nine minutes left, according to the clock on his wall. A Muggle clock, of course, his own clock was much more blatant, telling him that it was 'Time to Eat ... Now!'. Not that he counted, he tried not to, but it was habit he had found himself developing over the past few years. It made it easier somehow, knowing exactly how long he had left before he would turn. A small, bitter smile crossed his thin lips at this thought. Easier . . . what wishful thinking. Nothing would ever make it easier.
A lycanthrope. That's what they called him when they wanted to be polite. A werewolf when they thought they knew him well enough to be brutally honest. The term monster was reserved only to inflict pain upon his already battered heart. It had hurt the first time he had heard it, even the tenth time, but no longer. He knew it was the truth. He, Remus J. Lupin, was a monster.
At one time he'd been happy, human, but it was so long ago that he didn't remember what it felt like. During his years at Hogwarts he had tried to draw into himself, but she wouldn't let him. Another smile, though not so full of self-loathing as the last, playing across his gaunt features.
Lily Evans. His best friend, his closest confidante and, at times, his worst enemy.
He had tried to become a recluse, but she hadn't let him. She had come into the boy's dormitory on that very first evening, much to his utter shock, and have convinced him to come down to the feast.
*
"You're Lupin, right?"
He turned toward her, mouth slightly open. She smirked at his expression.
"I'm Lily Evans."
Lupin nodded. "Nice to meet you. Shouldn't you be down at the feast?"
"Shouldn't you?" she countered, fixing him with a grin.
"I'd really rather not."
"Too bad. You're going."
*
And he had. He had resisted, of course, but only a fool would resist following Lily forever. She could be very persuasive. At the feast he had met Sirius, James and Peter, and in not time at all they had become Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. He had wanted so badly to be the one they ignored, he wanted to be the outcast, the strange one. That way he would have an excuse for the monster inside. If they had taunted and teased him, the uncontrollable hunger that took him monthly would have been justified.
That had been his mentality for seven long years, right up until the moment the real outcast was revealed to be a Death Eater. Severus Snape, the strange one whom they had torn apart, was a follower of the Dark Lord. But he had an excuse, Lupin had repeatedly told himself. They had ripped the poor boys to shreds and that was the perfect excuse.
Apparently, the rest of the world didn't agree with Lupin's conviction. There was no excuse for being a monster, there was never an excuse. Snape had been ostracized and even now, with Dumbledore's trust and approval, he was still looked upon as if he was less than human. It hurt Lupin to see the way they stared at him because he knew Snape didn't deserve that awful glare. Snape had an excuse. Lupin knew he was the true monster, an unjustifiable case of disturbing power and anger. He was the werewolf.
But Lily had never let him believe, not even for a second, that he was evil. She had insisted that no matter what he was, he would always be a good person.
*
"So, you're a little testy once a month," she said, during their sixth year. "I'm not fun three days out of the month either."
Lupin cringed. He hated the female jokes that she attempted to make.
"Light up, Remus," she murmured, glancing at him in concern. "You're a good guy. You're my best friend and we love you. All of us." She gestured to the three boys sitting across the room and Lupin allowed himself to smile.
"You're just like the rest of us."
"Not always."
Lily smiled. "Well, everyone has their little secrets."
*
He missed her, Great Merlin, how he missed her. Without Lily in his life he had no one to turn to. James was dead, Sirius was on the run and Peter was . . . lost to them all. She had been the saving grace of them all and when she died, a part of each of them had died with her. Lupin swore that his heart shrivelled up in his chest the moment he heard, he swore that the wolf inside began to take hold that very instant. Without Lily, who would convince him that he was just like everyone else?
There had been no one to say reassuring words, no one to hug him tightly when he was near a breakdown. There had been no replacement best friend once his was gone, no new girl with flashing eyes and fiery hair. He was alone, completely and truly alone. He had been since the day she had been murdered.
Lupin stifled a heavy sigh. He was so angry, he felt hatred surge through him at everyone. He hated Snape for having the perfect excuse, hated the Marauders for becoming his friends. He hated Lily for not leaving him alone that night, the night that would have decided his fate at the school. He hated Dumbledore for convincing him to take the job at Hogwarts, hated him even more for asking him to house the Mirror of Erised while they found a new place in the school to store it. One more week, he told himself, just one more week sitting in front of the mirror and wasting away, imagining that she's speaking to you.
The Lily in the mirror smiled. "I am, Remus. Speaking to you, I mean."
"Why couldn't you have left me alone?"
"Because you can't live alone," she replied. The reflection appeared to be sitting beside him, her head on his shoulder. He could feel her soft breath across his throat, but knew that she wasn't really there.
"It would have given me-"
"The perfect excuse," Lily interrupted, lifting her head from his shoulder. "I know, Remus. I've heard this story far too many times. Don't you think it's about time you got over yourself?"
He turned to her angrily, forgetting for the moment that she was just a reflection of his heart. Lupin stared into thin air, his mouth open with a thousand burning insults on his tongue, but there was no one to deliver them to.
Lily giggled from the mirror. "You're so strange, Remus. Maybe that's why I love you so much."
"You're dead, Lily," he murmured.
She nodded. "But not gone. Don't you realize why you're seeing me now?"
Lupin shook his head.
She laughed again and wrapped her arms around his thin shoulders. "The Mirror of Erised shows us the deepest, most desperate desires of our hearts. What do you see, Remus? Not a life free of your infliction, but me. My friendship. My love."
"Your biting wit and sarcasm," he mumbled.
Lily beamed. "Exactly. You need a good kick in the ass and I've always been just the person to give it to you."
Lupin raised his bleary eyes to meet the gaze of the reflection. "You're not really going to kick me, are you?"
"I'm tempted, let me tell you," she replied, still smiling. She stared at him for a long moment, her smile softening as the second ticked past. "Six days, two hours and fifty four minutes," she said. "Don't you think it's time you got up and did something with your life, rather than counting down the days until you turn into a werewolf?"
Lupin shrugged halfheartedly. "Maybe."
"Twenty seven days out of the month you are a perfect gentleman," Lily said, cocking her eyebrow. "Not to mention a fairly attractive one once you clean up a bit."
Lupin couldn't help but smile at this comment.
"Get up, Remus," she urged. "Get up and get out. Live your life. Don't waste it just because I did."
"You didn't waste anything!" he protested, standing and going to the mirror. His palm pressed against it and Lily smiled sadly. "You lived so well."
"And I wish I had just a day more," she murmured. "Just one day. Don't waste what you have left, Remus."
Lupin cast his eyes downward. "I am wasting is, aren't I? And here I thought I had-"
"You say the words 'perfect excuse' and I will come through this mirror to strangle you," Lily threatened.
Lupin grinned, still touching the mirror. "I miss you, Lil."
She nodded. "I miss you too."
"Thanks," he said softly.
"Don't make me appear in this mirror again," she replied. "I love you, so don't become something I can't love anymore. Don't waste the man you are."
Lupin nodded and smiled, wider this time. He was thin, shabby and his hair was shot with grey. His features were sallow and gaunt, his clothes hung off his shoulders and looked like he would keel over at any moment. But none of that mattered anymore. As Lily Evans faded from the mirror, Lupin saw only himself. In his hand he was carrying a tattered briefcase with the name Professor R.J. Lupin stamped across it.
He chuckled softly. It was time to go back.
End