You can't make me!
By: Sam
I watched the blood been washed down the sewer. I was disgusted with myself. And this wasn´t even the first time.
There was a knock on the door. Krit.
"Syl, are you okay in there?"
I cleared my throat.
"I´m fine."
"Good. Listen, I´m gonna get us some dinner. What d´you want?"
My stomach was rumbling.
"Nothing."
"Sure?"
"Not hungry."
"Suit yourself. I´ll be back in an hour."
I came out of the bathroom and started doing my exercise routine.
I never heard the opening of the door.
"Syl?"
I got up quickly.
Too quickly.
The room around me started to roll.
Zack grabbed me before I fell.
"God, Syl..."
"I´m fine."
"No. You´re not."
"I am. Really."
"I´m not blind, for God´s sake! Now, when´s the last time you ate?"
Food. The word was like a curse to me.
I looked away from Zack.
"I ate dinner a little while ago."
"No you didn´t. Krit called. Said you haven´t eaten anything for weeks."
I saw Krit standing at the door.
If only looks could kill.
"Krit, you bastard."
I would´ve tried to kill him if Zack hadn´t been there, holding me back.
"Syl!"
I fought hard but Zack was stronger. There was a car waiting outside.
"This is my life! You have no right to do this!"
I screamed and kicked but I was really weak. I didn´t have much strength to go. Zack held me still as Krit drove us out of the motel. Finally I stopped. There was no point fighting. I rested my head against the car seat.
"Feeling better?"
I didn´t answer. I was still angry. They couldn´t make me eat. They had no right to do this to me. This was my life. My decision.
Zack tried to touch me but I pulled back.
"Leave me alone."
"Syl..."
He locked me into a strong embrace and wouldn´t let go.
"Let me go! Don´t touch me!"
But he just tightened his grib.
"You can scream all you want to. I am not gonna let you go. I´ll fight this as long as I have to. And I will win."
"Sound pretty sure about yourself."
"I just want my Syl back."
We drove for hours. I was so tired and hungry. I just wanted to sleep. But I was in Zack´s arms. I wasn´t gonna give him the satisfaction. I wasn´t gonna sleep. I wasn´t gonna relax.
I would´ve rather died than given in.
But I did.
*****
"She looks really sick."
"I know."
"What are you gonna do?"
"Don´t worry. I have a plan."
"Zack, she´s not some kind of a mission. You can´t reason her out of this."
"I know!"
I heard footsteps walk to my direction. Krit gave me a kiss and stroked my cheek.
"Take care of her."
"I will."
Then he was gone.
I opened my eyes. Zack was standing next to me.
"Morning, sis."
I gave him a grumpy look.
"I´m gonna take a shower."
When I got back Zack had fixed us a good old-fashioned breakfast.
I took a cop of coffee and sat.
"I´m not hungry."
"Sure. I can hear your stomach rumble all the way across the table."
No arguing with that.
"Syl..."
I glanced at him briefly.
"Syl..."
"What?"
"I love you, baby sister."
I faced his gaze with surprise. I had never heard Zack say those words. Not to me. Not to anyone.
I walked across the table and hugged him.
"I´m just so worried, Syl."
"Don´t be. I´m fine."
"No your not. And you know it yourself. You´ll die if you keep doing this."
My hand was still on his shoulder but my eyes were staring at the floor.
"I´m not gonna die."
"No, if it´s up to me you´re not."
Zack pulled me onto his lap and handed me an apple.
"Just this. Please. For me."
I backed away in disbelief.
"So that was the catch! You´re all sweet and stuff, say you love me, but only if I do what you want!"
"No, Syl, it´s not-"
"And if I don´t you´ll turn into your bitchy-old-self again!"
"Syl-"
"I´m not gonna eat it, so you can just leave. Tell Krit your perfect little plan didn´t work after all."
For the first time in my life I saw Zack look helpless.
"I shoul´ve known. You don´t care about us! You don´t care about me! You only play this big brother-thing cos it makes you feel important! You just-"
I fell on my knees. I was coughing blood.
*****
"You´re a mess, Syl."
"Gee, thanks, bro."
"I´m not joking here."
I stared at my own reflection.
"Syl, I´m dead serious."
The person looking back at me was dead alright. Her face had no life. The spark had long since disappeared from her eyes. Her hair had lost its shine. She was a skeleton. A walking dead.
"Syl?"
She was me.
I walked past Zack to the refrigerator. I took an apple and closed my eyes. I took a bite. Every cell in me screamed NO!
There was a crack as the apple hit something on its way through the room.
"I can´t do this!"
I was sitting on the floor screaming for help out of this nightmare while everything in me was fighting against it.
"Zack, help me."
Zack took me in his arms. I knew this was just a beginning of a long battle but at least it was a beginning, not an end.
"We´ll beat this bitch, Syl."
I pressed my head to his chest.
"Together, baby sister. I promise. I wont leave you."
*****
I just moved the food around on my plate. I wasn´t hungry.
Suddenly I became aware of the others staring at me. What had we been talking about?
"Sorry, what?"
"We were talking about Zack", Jondy helped.
Just hearing his name made my heart itch.
"What about him?"
"I hear he spend almost a year with you once a long time ago."
I nodded. She knew. What point hiding?
"You must´ve been special. He never did that with any of us."
Yeah, special case, straight from Loony-land.
"Not special. Just pretty screwed up."
"What do you mean?"
Now everyone was interested.
I glanced at Krit. He was the only one besides Zack who knew.
"I had a pretty rough time then."
I truly hoped they would just leave it that.
"What happened?"
I´d be dead if it wasn´t for him
"Well..."
Krit came to the rescue.
"Guys, she obviously doesn´t wanna talk about it, so just leave it."
"Thanks, Krit."
"Anytime."
I listened to the conversations around me while drifting into my thoughts again.
"Syl?" Krit brought me back to earth.
"Yeah?"
"You gonna eat that?"
I stared at my plate and felt the all too familiar feeling rase in my brain.
"No", I said before I could stop myself.
Krit´s voice was tired and angry at the same time.
"Don´t, Syl."
Our siblings were listening not understanding a word we were saying.
"Don´t what?"
"You know what. Don´t do this again."
"I´m not doing anything."
"This is the way it started the last time, Syl."
"We´re not alone in here, you know."
"I know."
"Then shut up!"
Krit rolled his eyes.
"Is something wrong, you two?"
"No!" "Yes!"
And then I realised what I was doing. It scared the shit out of me.
"I need some fresh air", I said in a quiet voice.
"Syl!"
Krit came after me.
"Syl, talk to me."
I looked into his dark eyes and gave in. I wasn´t gonna lie this time.
"I´m scared, Krit."
Krit closed me into a warm embrace and stroked my hair gently.
"I know."
"I´m scared it´ll start again. I´m scared I wont be able to control it. This time there is no Zack to bring me back from hell. This time I´m on my own. What happens if I slip again?"
"Syl, you´re not on your own. There may not be Zack this time but there´s us."
"They don´t even know."
"Yet."
"What d´you mean yet?"
"You could tell them."
I considered for a moment . But I realised I could never tell anyone. Not even them. Not in this life. It would stay as our secret. I trusted Krit to stay quiet.
"Maybe I will."
I never ate dinner that evening.
By: Sam
I watched the blood been washed down the sewer. I was disgusted with myself. And this wasn´t even the first time.
There was a knock on the door. Krit.
"Syl, are you okay in there?"
I cleared my throat.
"I´m fine."
"Good. Listen, I´m gonna get us some dinner. What d´you want?"
My stomach was rumbling.
"Nothing."
"Sure?"
"Not hungry."
"Suit yourself. I´ll be back in an hour."
I came out of the bathroom and started doing my exercise routine.
I never heard the opening of the door.
"Syl?"
I got up quickly.
Too quickly.
The room around me started to roll.
Zack grabbed me before I fell.
"God, Syl..."
"I´m fine."
"No. You´re not."
"I am. Really."
"I´m not blind, for God´s sake! Now, when´s the last time you ate?"
Food. The word was like a curse to me.
I looked away from Zack.
"I ate dinner a little while ago."
"No you didn´t. Krit called. Said you haven´t eaten anything for weeks."
I saw Krit standing at the door.
If only looks could kill.
"Krit, you bastard."
I would´ve tried to kill him if Zack hadn´t been there, holding me back.
"Syl!"
I fought hard but Zack was stronger. There was a car waiting outside.
"This is my life! You have no right to do this!"
I screamed and kicked but I was really weak. I didn´t have much strength to go. Zack held me still as Krit drove us out of the motel. Finally I stopped. There was no point fighting. I rested my head against the car seat.
"Feeling better?"
I didn´t answer. I was still angry. They couldn´t make me eat. They had no right to do this to me. This was my life. My decision.
Zack tried to touch me but I pulled back.
"Leave me alone."
"Syl..."
He locked me into a strong embrace and wouldn´t let go.
"Let me go! Don´t touch me!"
But he just tightened his grib.
"You can scream all you want to. I am not gonna let you go. I´ll fight this as long as I have to. And I will win."
"Sound pretty sure about yourself."
"I just want my Syl back."
We drove for hours. I was so tired and hungry. I just wanted to sleep. But I was in Zack´s arms. I wasn´t gonna give him the satisfaction. I wasn´t gonna sleep. I wasn´t gonna relax.
I would´ve rather died than given in.
But I did.
*****
"She looks really sick."
"I know."
"What are you gonna do?"
"Don´t worry. I have a plan."
"Zack, she´s not some kind of a mission. You can´t reason her out of this."
"I know!"
I heard footsteps walk to my direction. Krit gave me a kiss and stroked my cheek.
"Take care of her."
"I will."
Then he was gone.
I opened my eyes. Zack was standing next to me.
"Morning, sis."
I gave him a grumpy look.
"I´m gonna take a shower."
When I got back Zack had fixed us a good old-fashioned breakfast.
I took a cop of coffee and sat.
"I´m not hungry."
"Sure. I can hear your stomach rumble all the way across the table."
No arguing with that.
"Syl..."
I glanced at him briefly.
"Syl..."
"What?"
"I love you, baby sister."
I faced his gaze with surprise. I had never heard Zack say those words. Not to me. Not to anyone.
I walked across the table and hugged him.
"I´m just so worried, Syl."
"Don´t be. I´m fine."
"No your not. And you know it yourself. You´ll die if you keep doing this."
My hand was still on his shoulder but my eyes were staring at the floor.
"I´m not gonna die."
"No, if it´s up to me you´re not."
Zack pulled me onto his lap and handed me an apple.
"Just this. Please. For me."
I backed away in disbelief.
"So that was the catch! You´re all sweet and stuff, say you love me, but only if I do what you want!"
"No, Syl, it´s not-"
"And if I don´t you´ll turn into your bitchy-old-self again!"
"Syl-"
"I´m not gonna eat it, so you can just leave. Tell Krit your perfect little plan didn´t work after all."
For the first time in my life I saw Zack look helpless.
"I shoul´ve known. You don´t care about us! You don´t care about me! You only play this big brother-thing cos it makes you feel important! You just-"
I fell on my knees. I was coughing blood.
*****
"You´re a mess, Syl."
"Gee, thanks, bro."
"I´m not joking here."
I stared at my own reflection.
"Syl, I´m dead serious."
The person looking back at me was dead alright. Her face had no life. The spark had long since disappeared from her eyes. Her hair had lost its shine. She was a skeleton. A walking dead.
"Syl?"
She was me.
I walked past Zack to the refrigerator. I took an apple and closed my eyes. I took a bite. Every cell in me screamed NO!
There was a crack as the apple hit something on its way through the room.
"I can´t do this!"
I was sitting on the floor screaming for help out of this nightmare while everything in me was fighting against it.
"Zack, help me."
Zack took me in his arms. I knew this was just a beginning of a long battle but at least it was a beginning, not an end.
"We´ll beat this bitch, Syl."
I pressed my head to his chest.
"Together, baby sister. I promise. I wont leave you."
*****
I just moved the food around on my plate. I wasn´t hungry.
Suddenly I became aware of the others staring at me. What had we been talking about?
"Sorry, what?"
"We were talking about Zack", Jondy helped.
Just hearing his name made my heart itch.
"What about him?"
"I hear he spend almost a year with you once a long time ago."
I nodded. She knew. What point hiding?
"You must´ve been special. He never did that with any of us."
Yeah, special case, straight from Loony-land.
"Not special. Just pretty screwed up."
"What do you mean?"
Now everyone was interested.
I glanced at Krit. He was the only one besides Zack who knew.
"I had a pretty rough time then."
I truly hoped they would just leave it that.
"What happened?"
I´d be dead if it wasn´t for him
"Well..."
Krit came to the rescue.
"Guys, she obviously doesn´t wanna talk about it, so just leave it."
"Thanks, Krit."
"Anytime."
I listened to the conversations around me while drifting into my thoughts again.
"Syl?" Krit brought me back to earth.
"Yeah?"
"You gonna eat that?"
I stared at my plate and felt the all too familiar feeling rase in my brain.
"No", I said before I could stop myself.
Krit´s voice was tired and angry at the same time.
"Don´t, Syl."
Our siblings were listening not understanding a word we were saying.
"Don´t what?"
"You know what. Don´t do this again."
"I´m not doing anything."
"This is the way it started the last time, Syl."
"We´re not alone in here, you know."
"I know."
"Then shut up!"
Krit rolled his eyes.
"Is something wrong, you two?"
"No!" "Yes!"
And then I realised what I was doing. It scared the shit out of me.
"I need some fresh air", I said in a quiet voice.
"Syl!"
Krit came after me.
"Syl, talk to me."
I looked into his dark eyes and gave in. I wasn´t gonna lie this time.
"I´m scared, Krit."
Krit closed me into a warm embrace and stroked my hair gently.
"I know."
"I´m scared it´ll start again. I´m scared I wont be able to control it. This time there is no Zack to bring me back from hell. This time I´m on my own. What happens if I slip again?"
"Syl, you´re not on your own. There may not be Zack this time but there´s us."
"They don´t even know."
"Yet."
"What d´you mean yet?"
"You could tell them."
I considered for a moment . But I realised I could never tell anyone. Not even them. Not in this life. It would stay as our secret. I trusted Krit to stay quiet.
"Maybe I will."
I never ate dinner that evening.