I want to fix you
Authors note: Hello again. This is me Rachel writing another depressing one shot. I find sad one shots easier than light hearted the world is great no one will die alone type ones. One fact for you all. Research shows that owning a cat will make you more likely to commit suicide. I guess being a crazy cat lady is out of the option for me. Modern AU and mention of self-harm and attempted suicide.
The song lyrics are italics are fall out boy songs and I will write the names afterwards.
Disclaimer: If I owned les mis, I would be living in Paris drinking coffee and be best friends with Grantaire.
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Eponine's p.o.v
Sucking in another deep breath. The air burns my throat and lungs. It feels like I'm inhaling poison. Sharp tears prick my eyes. My vision blurs over with these unshed tears. This is me. Wasting my time, wasting my time being alive. My head feels like a mess. Watching them hurt me more than any knife, any gun, anyone else. The bleak Parisian winter sun has sunk down. Leaving me alone in the darkness of the deep pit of night. Not a star is shining. They are all hiding from the bitter harshness of the night. I feel a drop of rain hit my forehead. The sky is crying. Oh how ironic his love is the lark. The sweet innocent lark. The messed up irony of the world we live in. Thank you universe for screwing me over, again. Karma, I thought I had paid all my debts but you took the last thing I had. So my heart is broken. Just fuck you. If there is omnipotent being then he is just fucking my life over again. Every breath I take feels like another blow. Watching Marius- the one candle that I had in my life. Had been blown out. I used to believe that everyone deserves a flame He now was in love with Cosette. The sweet, innocent and pure lark. The one I tormented as a child. Now is here tormenting me, without even knowing it. I just wish I had told Marius how I felt, yesterday was gone and past. I would trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday.
I walked down the familiar streets to my apartment. The bare, un-welcoming rooms that are all I have left to call my own. Instead turning down the Right street I carried on. I don't know where I'm going. But I don't think I'm going home. The cold winds wrap me in a tight embrace. They call Paris the city of love. This makes me chuckle darkly and sarcastically. More like the city of un-requited love. Yes you see couples putting padlocks on the bridges. Walking hand in hand, hazy eyed and in an aura of happiness. Making me want to stick pins in my eyes and gouge them out. Love is real yes. But who really finds it? Not me. I love someone, but get shut down before given a chance. If heavens grief brings hells rain, I'll trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday. I want one of my yesterday's when Cosette wasn't there to steal Marius's heart from me. I wish I never went to the Musain this evening. I enjoyed spending time there as Grantaire understood my pain. But he masks his grief that similar to mine but is completely different with alcohol. When I first met Grantaire I was scared of him due to this. He reminded me of my father, who was drunkard, criminal bastard who is worse than the seventh layer of hell. Thank God he wasn't here to torment me saying it served me right and that I should go back to the back streets and alleys. Back to where I belonged. I was still proud of myself for escaping him and my parents. My sister told me I was a self-serving coward. My two younger brothers, Henri and Theodore had been sold a long time ago. And Gavroche lived with Courfeyrac, who loved him as his own. Well my sister was right.
The moon had made an appearance when I reached the bridge. It looked hauntingly beautiful, glooming high above the swirling Seine. We all die. It's just a matter of time. I'm either gone in a moment or here till the bitter end. Well I guess this will be my bitter end. How fitting a bitter end to a bitter life. Oh I wish I was poet sometimes so that I could show my bitterness to the world. Then people would understand what pain and cynical thoughts look like. I sometimes sat on the walls on the banks of the Seine by myself listening to music and watching the world go by. I would see people and make up stories for them. Sometimes I would sit there with Grantaire and we would sit in silence. Or he would say "a penny for your thoughts but a dollar for your insides." And I would tell him every pain that had made a home in my heart. I climbed onto the top of the wall. I looked down into the abyss below. Who would really care if I died? My parents wouldn't for sure. Azelma wouldn't either. Marius has his lark. Grantaire has his other friends. Gavroche has Courfeyrac. No one would care in the end. I am invisible, unwanted, sad, broken and used. It would be better if I jumped. No one would remember how I walked around in that fake happiness. Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great. I took in one last breath when I heard someone shout from behind me. "Eponine, don't move!" I recognised the voice. "Why shouldn't I?" I said in a defeated tone. "No one will miss me or cares for me." I shout out. "You are wrong, I care." I heard him say weakly. I turned to see who it was. Enjolras? "You just want me to get of this bridge. You don't really care." I say angrily. I do not need this. "I want these words to make things right. But it's the wrongs that make them come to life." He muttered looking at me. I felt my resolve ebb slightly. "Why would you do that?" He asked me taking a precarious step forward. "I can't explain a thing. I just feel worthless and broken. I feel like I will never believe in anything again." I sigh sitting down and putting my head in my hands. Feeling pathetic. "Change will come. I promise you will not always be broken." He said carefully sitting next to me. "How do you know?" I ask looking at him. "Because I want to fix you."
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Author's note: So a bit of a happy ending there. Well as happy as you can be with attempted suicide in a story. I had to Enjolras save her as I ship Enjonine. But yeah a lot of music lyrics I that one. It may be longer than a one shot. Depends how you lot liked it.
So here are the songs I used. (All fall out boy and the album is next to the names.)
Of all the gin joints in all the world- Under the Coke tree
Death Valley- Save rock and roll
Alone together- Save rock and roll
(Coffee's for closers)- Folie รก Deux
Thnks fr th mmrs- Infinity on high
Just one Yesterday- Save rock and roll
Don't you know who I think I am- Infinity on high