Very Kind
.Kate stood out on the balcony before the closed French windows, gently wrapping the scarf around herself a little tighter, the breeze getting cooler as they delved deeper into winter this year. She moved over to the edge so her elbows were resting on the steel frame. She could see Jack in the garden sat on one of the white chairs, staring out into the woods at the bottom of her garden. He was still in the clothes he had slept in previously, so she assumed he had just woken. She wasn't too sure, he had arrived home late last night and slept in the spare room so he wouldn't wake her.
She pushed the hair out of her eyes and was instantly hit with the memory of the first day they met each other. In her kitchen, he had done the same thing. The thought made her smile, but she realised that that memory was in the past, but here in the present there wasn't as much to smile about. They had been making progress together over the past four or five weeks, but it didn't seem like it had before. They were both too quiet with each other recently, as though they didn't know what to say. At times she felt as though she was treading on egg shells around him. They both had said they would be more open with each other, but now she found herself holding back on her emotions in case he didn't return the gesture.
He didn't promise that he would change, but he said he would at least try. She didn't know if he was or not, they had drifted apart recently. They had started out as friends again, well, after that fist night back together, their reconciliation. After that night she told him she wanted to start a fresh with him, which at the time he had thought was a good idea. She had hoped it would help him let go of the past held between them. Maybe he could let go of those particular demons, help him move past something.
But she knew it hadn't worked. Maybe he knew that she was keeping her distance? She honestly didn't know. The only thing clear to her was that she loved him. Having him back around the house had lifted her spirits alone. She remembered how much she had missed him before when she kicked him out, and he was only gone for two weeks. Despite the way their relationship had grown after that episode, and the pain it had caused him, it seemed he had still not learned from his mistakes.
Something had clearly been on his mind recently. Last night he had barely spoken over dinner, and had left the room to make a phone calls on three different occasions . At first her jealousy had assumed it was another woman, but then she had realised how childish she was to think that. Jack Bauer, risk cheating again, after the guilt her held over his wife's fate? Not likely. She remembered how he had been speaking in his sleep one night. He was apologising to Terri, in this particular nightmare. He still believed that his affair with Nina Myers had eventually caused her death. No, that was one past mistake Jack wouldn't repeat.
She tried not to think about that - it was in the past, it wasn't even her past! She knew that she had to try to be more relaxed around him, show him things were normal and that she didn't mind about how preoccupied he had become. Hopefully whatever was on his mind would pass, or even better, and he would talk about it to her. Most of all though, she hoped that however he chose to deal with it, that he wouldn't run away from it.
God knows how many times he had done that before, and it was clearly taking its toll on him. Whatever is that matter, she thought, let him face it head on. Let him beat it this time. Hasn't he dealt with enough pain for a life time? No matter how strong her prayers for him were, the feeling in the pit of her stomach told her the routine wouldn't brake this time. He would hide from it until the last possible moment, and then it would all explode inside him, leaving him with another demon to fight in his head.
She walked back through the house and wandered down the stairs to make some coffee. She decided that she would show him that everything was okay, and that he could talk to her, if he wanted to. She would be there for him. Part of her wondered why he was so scared of confiding in her. Was he scared of rejection, that she wouldn't listen? Or was it something deeper than that, was he scared she wouldn't love him if she knew what he was bottling up? For the first time in their relationship she wondered if she would feel better not knowing what his demons were about... She tried to tell herself that she was overreacting now, nothing was wrong. This was the first time he had been withdrawn from her too, so he must have been trying, she should see that and be grateful not push him away.
She walked over the soft green turf barefoot and sat in the chair next to him, after handing him a mug of coffee. She couldn't help but feel relieved when she saw how he smiled at her. It wasn't false, his eyes lit up with it. He said 'thank you' and the two sat together staring out into the open land in a comfortable silence. Jack couldn't keep his eyes off her.
She looked so innocent... he had contemplated telling her about what was on his mind, it must be pretty obvious that something was bothering him. Every time he considered it he thought about how well they were together. But how something bigger that them had come along to consume his mind. Once again something was at stake, something only he could prevent. Which would turn his life upside down in the process.
He turned to her and kissed her on the cheek, whispering that he loved her into her ear. She giggled like a school child and then rested her hand on his whilst they lapsed into the silence once more. Only this time it was strained, they could both feel it. Kate wanted to come right out and ask him what was wrong, but she couldn't find the words. She was afraid he would take it the wrong way, as though she was accusing him of something, and perhaps she was.
As though he could sense what was about to come he pulled himself up, and after explaining to her that he was going to take a shower he left her sat with her thoughts once more. Why was it that he always seemed to be one step ahead of the game? Still, she thought, she wasn't going to give up that easily. They were going out for dinner later anyway, she would confront him then. She wasn't going to let their relationship slip to the way it once was, or there would be no point to the effort they had both put into it this time. There would be no point in being together. He would understand this too, she hoped. And if he didn't, well... at least one of them wasn't going to give up.
The afternoon passed by fast, and even though she hadn't realised what she was doing, Kate avoided Jack when she could in the house. She was nervous around him and felt as though the roles had reversed. Now it was her hiding something, her need to know what was going on. She was also scared of pushing him away with her queries, and he was scared of pushing her away with the truth. Oh the irony, she thought. They had arranged to go out for a meal later, and the plans stayed on the table, despite the lack of conversation. Jack spent most of the afternoon hidden in the study anyway.
He knew he was being gutless by hiding away in there, but he didn't want to face her. He didn't want to take away what little innocence she had left about the world after her sisters warped plans came out into the open. He knew he had to tell her, he just couldn't bear the thought of hurting her. Things has been strange between them over the past few days, mainly since he was told the news. He couldn't pretend it was down to both of them, it had started as soon as he got confirmation.
He was quiet, scared that if he spoke to her he would tell her. He didn't want to though. In less than three weeks he would be gone, for a long time. The worse part was that he wanted to ask her to wait for him, tell her how much he loved her. But he couldn't do that.
It would be selfish and unfair to ask such a thing of someone. He knew his love for her should make him be noble and leave her so she had to move on. But he couldn't do that either. He didn't want to lose her. He loved her to much to do either. So he moped around avoiding her all day, while his leaving date was rapidly approaching.
He was mad at himself for allowing his work to disrupt his life once more. Things has been great between them, brilliant. It was as though they had never taken a break, never split up at all. It was as though they were meant to be together. But now he understood the harsh reality of this world. When things are too good to be true they usually are.
He would have to end it, he thought bitterly. As he sat across from her at the small table in the candle lit restaurant he knew it. The two had talked about basic things, and he had tried to crack a joke. It was horrible, and he cringed the moment the words left his mouth. But she laughed anyway. Why did she do that, he wondered? To save me the embarrassment, to make me feel better?
In that instance he knew he had to leave her, she could not put her life on hold for him. He wouldn't let her. She was too good for that. She deserved someone who would fill the promises they make. He had told her he would try to make sure his life didn't revolve around work. He had tried hard too, and both had enjoyed the difference they had experienced in his new lifestyle. But now he was throwing it all out of the window, giving up every stable thing he had going in his life. Throwing it all away for a life of uncertainty and chaos. And loneliness.
Those two weeks he had spent alone were hard, so hard that he had ended up outside her house every night, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. It would be hard to just leave her, out of the blue. At least he would be far enough away so he couldn't call back to see her, to turn her life upside once more. He watched as she talked about work animatedly, the light in her eyes glimmering with hope. He knew it. There was no other choice. Even if he was to turn down the mission. He couldn't carry on living this way, he didn't deserve to. He would end it, he decided. Just not tonight. Let me have one more night of love and happiness before it is all gone.
He laid in bed, starring up at the ceiling. The strip of light pouring in through the crack between the drapes lighting up her face. She still slept, despite this. He smiled as he thought about how perfect she looked. He still hated himself for what he was about to do, but he didn't want to put her through any more pain, which is what would happen if he hid his secret away any longer.
He got up and made coffee before quietly getting a few of his things together, so he could be ready to leave. He left her sleeping the entire time, thinking of how to brake it to her, he didn't want to see her hurt. He decided that it would be best if he told her he was moving away, then she wouldn't worry about him being on a mission, even if that was the truth. It would be better for her that way.
As soon as she saw him sat at the counter she knew something was wrong. The smile instantly dropped from her face as she approached his slumped form on the stool. She placed an arm around his shoulder as she leaned over so their faces were almost touching.
"Tell me Jack." She whispered, the tears already threatening to spill. She didn't know how or why, but she just knew something was going to happen. Something bad. He was going to leave.
"I have to go." He whispered, not daring to look into her eyes in fear of changing his mind and asking her to wait, which he could not do to her.
"Go where?"
"Away." He stood up to face her now, looking in her eyes, daring himself to do it, to ask her to wait. He didn't
"Jack, please.." She cried, anything to make him talk to her, stay with her.
"I'm sorry." He turned to walk away but her shout stopped him, he couldn't bear to hear her voice so strained, she sounded so pained.
"Why?" She shouted, her voice cracking.
He turned to face her once more and walked back over. He went to brush the hair away from her face before stopping himself. He wanted to break down, cry with her and hold her but he couldn't, he had to think about Kate here. Not his own feelings - they didn't matter.
"You don't deserve this Kate."
"I want this Jack!" She shouted, she would do anything to get their love through to him. Surely he had too realised that they were meant to be together.
"No, no you don't." He whispered, now looking down to the floor as tears welled up in his eyes. He would not cry, he told himself sternly. He looked at her one last time as the single tear ran down his cheek. "You don't know what this is."
Kate stood silent, his last words taking her back. What was going on, what was he doing this for? Was he still feeling depressed and guilt ridden? Why hadn't she seen the signs? She watched as he turned and walked towards the door. She wanted to run after him, beg and plead for him to understand. But those parting words, 'you don't know what this is,' they stopped her. They were like a warning. The door closed behind him, and suddenly he was gone.
The words echoed around her head as she frantically tried to understand where this had come from. Things were great between them, the best they had ever been. Maybe that was what had scared him, he hadn't been in a relationship this strong since Terri. Kate let loud anguished sobs out as she sank to the tiled floor in the centre of the kitchen. Holding her head in her hands, trying to understand, accept, this devastating blow. She couldn't believe how much he had hurt her, why did he hurt her? She thought he had loved her.
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