It was late at night when I was woken by a screeching Yoruichi. I ran from my room in my sleepy wear and found her distraught in front of the shop. I ran to her and took her in my arms, asking her what the matter was. Between the sobs and squeaks, I could make out something along the lines of "Soi Fon had been murdered."
She clung to my chest like it was a life preserver in a stormy sea. I held her tightly in my arms, stroking her furry black head, murmuring words of solace. At that moment I heard a funny noise coming from her. It sounded like... like a purr!But before I could put more thought into the strange noise, I felt a stabbing pain in my left nipple. What on earth..? I look down at the kitten in my arms. Her claws were buried in my chest. "Uhh Yoruichi-san?" I began to say, but I was cut off by a loud "purr purr purr."
Baffled, I tried again. "Yoruichi-san, please stop clawing at me. I need that," I said, but the only answer I received was the "purr purr purr" I'd heard before and a glare.
Terrified by the malice in her golden feline eyes, I fell silent and went back to stroking her fur. "There there," I mumbled nervously, unsure of how to react to my Yoruichi's strange behaviour. Rather unfortunately, my comfort only caused her to bury her claws deeper into my poor nipple and emit a animalistic yowl.
Her cries of anguish were instantly joined by my own as blood began to seep through my clothing. Instinctively, I took hold of the cat, prepared to fling her off me.
"No! I must endure! Yoruichi-san is in pain! I must be there for her!" I thought, and suppressed the urge. "Purr purr purr," Yoruichi said sadly.

At last it became utterly unbearable. By now my chest was shredded and my left nipple was practically non-existant. "Yoruichi-san!" I screamed. "Stop! I cannot endure this any longer!"
"Cannot endure what?" she asked, suddenly transformed into a beautiful naked woman. I might've lost my coherence right there and then, but the searing pain in my chest kept me thinking straight. "Yoruichi-san," I gasped. "My nip-" I closed my mouth when I saw the murderous expression on her face, daring me to complain while my gorgeous Yoruichi was suffering. "Ah I cannot bear to see your tears anymore!" I said, my voice suddenly an octave higher.
Unconvinced, she prepared to blow my face off with a Flash Cry. Fearing for my life, my brain spiralled out of control. I found myself unable to keep my eyes off her voluptuous chest area anymore. "Kisuke!" a voice in the back of my head cautioned. "Now is not the time! You need to focus! How are you going to save yourself a beating from the goddess of the flash?"
Beating? Yes! Yoruichi-san was about to murder me! Now I remember! But it was just sooooo hard to keep from staring... So I did the only thing I could think of. I threw back my head and yelled "NAKEDNESS!" at the top of my lungs.
Thankfully, it worked. Yoruichi was pacified for the moment, laughing her head off as she recalled the old drinking game we used to
One by one the others filtered into the room with cries of "Nakedness! Hazza!" Tessai-san, Ururu, Jinta, even the freeloader, all bearing large quantities of sake.
What else was there to do but join in the drinking?

And so we drank and drank and drank, the unfortunate death of Captain Soi Fon totally forgotten.

The next morning I woke with a still-naked Yoruichi draped over my chest, which was, surprisingly (seeing as it still hurt like a bitch), free of blood. "Y-Yoruichi-san?" I asked groggily.
She groaned. "Ugh Kisuke..." That was all the confirmation I needed for me to continue on to ask the question that was burning inside me. "Yoruichi-san, why did you harvest my nipple?" I demanded to know (not too forcefully, since we were both VERY hungover).
Yoruichi slowly got up. "To feed my young. I am a cat, I cannot make do with only two nipples," she told me, and showed me that, indeed! she now had a third nipple sprouting from her chest.
It sounded reasonable, but there was one problem. "But if you are a cat, you need six. You are short three," I said mournfully, saddened that
she was unable to accomplish her six-nipple-goal, despite my sacrifice. But so strong was she, she merely shrugged off her failure and said "That is fine. I have a drawer full of nipples!"
"What?!" I exclaimed. "Why do you have a drawer full of nipples?! Where did you get them!?" I said, getting to my feet as well.
"I harvested one from each of my lovers," she said calmly. "In case I one day became ready to procreate."
"And how many lovers have you had?" I slurred, outraged that I had become just one of the many. Was the Soi Fon's death even real? Or had it all been a ruse so her beloved Yoruichi-sama could harvest his nipples without raising suspicion? No! I must believe in her! She wouldn't tell me this if it was all a ruse, would she? Of course not! Focus Kisuke!
"A few," she said quietly, bringing me back to reality. "But I only long for you, my Kisuke!" Suddenly she dropped to one knee. "Urahara Kisuke, would you do me the honor of being the sire of my kittens?"
I gasped. She only longed.. for me? "Of course I will!" I squealed, delighted. "And you may have my other nipple as well, my dear!"

At that moment I was distracted by a loud scream from Ururu, followed by a horrified "Shopkeeper, what are you doing?" in Tessai's deep baritone.
What was I doing? Could they not see my love and I were having a moment?

But we weren't. It was Ichigo in my arms, and the searing pain in my chest was Zangestsu. He had, apparently, had enough of my nonsense. "Get off!" he yelled for the thousandth time..
"Kisuke, you drink waaaaaay too much sake," said a black cat next to me as I let go of poor Ichigo and dropped to my knees.
I see... It was all a drunken illusion... But that didn't explain... "Where are my nipples!?" I screeched with a final breath before I lost consciousness.