Aleric Benson jolted awake from his accelerated hyperdoze and immediately regretted it. He had a hangover larger than South America and a bruise to match.
His first thought was, "Why do I have a bruise shaped like South America?". He then started the long tedious process of acclimatising to his situation. This, unfortunately for him, involved being fully aware of his surroundings. The first thing he noticed was that he could smell something very strong and slightly foul-smelling. The second thing he noticed was that the smell was undesirably close to his nose. He instinctively tried to back away from the offending smell, but only succeeded in banging his head with a dull metallic clang.
"Hey, easy there Al", a familiar voice said. Now his senses were almost fully returned- his head was a little numb, but that was to be expected. He was lying in a little bed-sized indent in a dark dank metal room, resting on some large plastic-looking barrels. And now he could see the person who spoke-
"Austin?"
Austin smiled down at Al. "Great to see you're back with us." He pauses to stand up, "I was starting to worry. You've got a beard."
Al grabbed at his chin and felt it thoroughly. Yes, he did.
"Here, have some peanuts."
Yes, thought Al, Because peanuts are the best cure for feeling like you've had your brain forced backwards through a blender and then served up at you.
Al ate the peanuts and tentatively attempted to lower himself onto the ground. "Where are we?"
Austin looked down at the floor for a second.
"Al," he said quietly, "what do you remember about last night?"
Austin thought hard about this. It was painful for him. "I… we were at a party. Yes, that was it. You were there, I remember that. There was… there was lots of music, and strobe lighting. And-and, there were those cocktail sausage sandwiches…"
"Try to stick to the point, Al." Austin cut in." "Oh yes, sorry." Um, that girl, whatshername, she was there." He paused. "Is she here?"
"Christine? Oh yes, she's here. I think she's somewhere over by the fish-tank. Carry on."
Al racked his brains. "You took us into the corner to talk to us. I think – No, what was it you pulled out? It was like one of those Apple Gadgets. It had lots of fancy lights and beeped. Where are we, exactly?"
Austin paused dramatically. "We're on one of the beeps."
Al stared in disbelief as he pulled up a barrel. "Do you remember anything else about it? What I said?"
"Uh, you… you said that the dots were a something. A snoity-car… I can't remember. The end of the birds."
Austin looked very uncomfortable, as only people do when they are the bearers of bad tidings.
"Al", he said, "your planet has just been blown up."
Al blinked. The intervening rift in space-time during which there was no sound whatsoever caused a vacuum within the temporal nexus which then proceeded to warp the web of history. Certain parties, of course noticed this and set about rectifying this. After several long (or short) years (or days) battling the temporal eddies, the time block was finally sealed, resulting in everyone waking up next morning feeling unaccountably fulfilled. Neither Al nor Austin noticed this, of course.
"What?"
"It's been… blown up." Austin sighed gratefully. "D'you know, it's actually a relief to finally get that out into the open."
Al was still wide-eyed. "Blown up?"
Austin walked over to him and grabbed him by the shoulders. "Just relax, it'll sink in."
Al did as he was told. After five seconds, he shouted out in shock.
"WHAT HAPPENED!?"
Austin sat back down and stared at his hands. "Em, they demolished it… to make way for a hyperspace bypass." Al went back to staring. "I know. Inconvenient, isn't it? Don't worry, losing your planet isn't the end of the world. Sure, it's got sentimental value, everything you ever knew and loved, and all the places you grew up with, have now been consigned to oblivion, lost forever in the cold dark wastes of space, disintegrated beyond any hope of reintegration ever again. You'll just have to move on." He looked up. Al was practically having a nervous fit. Austin handed him a paper bag to breathe into.
"It's never quite the same when your own planet that gets destroyed, does it? It's always someone else's. Sorry, perhaps I should explain. As Austin explained Al might remember partially, they were discussing what happened at Lords two days ago. At this point He revealed to him and her and him and her alone, that he was not in fact human. He had detected, using a Sub-Etha Signalling Device, that the Vogons were coming to Earth. And there could only be one reason for the Vogons to come to Earth: demolition. If humanity was to have any first contact with a species from another world, anything would have been better than the beaurocratic Vogons. Realising he didn't have much time left, he decided to warn as many people as he could. When this didn't work out, he decided to save his two best friends. He bought them some drinks as muscle relaxant, and some peanuts for later, and zapped them on board by hitching a lift from the chefs, the Dentrassi. Al would have come around at the same time as everyone else, but, as Austin put it, "you DID have a little more to drink than you should have. You never can tell with Telemats and Alcodrinks."
"So what do we do now?" asked Al.
"Don't worry," said Austin, "I've got a plan. There's just one thing."
Al looked round slowly. "What's that?"
"You're going to need this fish in your ear."
===END OF PART ONE TO BE CONTINUED===