AN: Once again, I strike with the stupid parodies and the random jokes. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.
Warning: Slash, sexuality, extreme Bashabeth and Wack-a-Will, every pairing imaginable, non-canon, nonsensical humour... The only ship not included is Kraken/Donkey. (I know! I'm just not cultured or adventurous at all.)
Beckett Sings:
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Mercer: I daresay, Lord Beckett. You've been quiet, today. Haven't you any orders? Any pirates to brand? Any witless blacksmiths to torture? Any ex-commodores to canoodle with? Any laws to lay down? Any governors to—
Beckett: My God, man, stop while you're ahead. Your suggestions grow more and more tiresome by the second. I have been quiet, being that I've been quite busy enough, thank you.
Mercer: But my, lord! Busy with what?
Beckett: (unrolls an 80 foot-long scroll) Why, making my Christmas list!
Mercer: But—but… (eying the size of the parchment) …You hate Christmas! I figured it would be like last year. And the year before that… All you ever ask for is a new powdered wig, a dark but not-too-plain vest, a gift certificate to Short-But-Dashing Emporium—
Beckett: NO, NO! (with a dramatic, angry flourish!) It's not like that this year, don't you see? This year is special. And I require special gifts.
(Music starts up)
Mercer: Oh, goodness, no.
Beckett: (begins to sing in a lovely tenor) On the first day of Christmas, my servants gave to me, a powerful goddess of the sea.
(A few men stumble in, with Tia Dalma, who is tied in ropes with a very large bow on her head.)
Tia Dalma: You'll git less den a jar-o-dert from me when I'm trough wit' you—
Beckett: (speaking now) Oh, but you'll no longer have that dreadful attitude… when I'm through with you. (singing again) On the second day of Christmas, Barbossa gave to me, two faithful playmates and a powerful goddess of the sea.
(Barbossa enters the room, and gladly hands over Ragetti and Pintel, both of which are tied from feet to shoulders in garish wrapping paper.)
Barbossa: This is a no-return policy.
Pintel: Somethin' tells me this ain't going to be like when we pretended you was a lady and I was still a gent—
Ragetti: Yeah, but maybe he'll buy me a glass eye for my services!
Beckett: If you prove yourself worthy. (singing) On the third day of Christmas, Miss Swann sent to me... three handsome knaves, two faithful playmates and a powerful goddess of the sea.
Elizabeth: (barges in, stomping her feet and screaming, as there isn't any sand to kick. A huge box sits behind her.) I never! I NEVER. I DIDN'T!!!
Beckett: (calmly) Hand them over, Miss Swann. I don't have all day.
Elizabeth: (tries to use her body) But… wouldn't you rather have me?
Beckett: You're decidedly bad at flirting, Miss Swann. You disappoint and distress me. (heads over to the box and hastily tears it open, revealing Norrington, Will, and Jack, who are still dueling and don't seem to notice.) Ah, how lovely. You really shouldn't have, Miss Swann.
Jack: Oh, hello, lovey (dodging Norrington's sword). Merry Christmas to ye. I do hope you have rum—
Beckett: (smiling now) On the fourth day of Christmas, Will Turner gave to me four pairs of handcuffs, three handsome knaves, two faithful servants and a powerful goddess of the sea—
Will: (looking confused and sort of stupid, which surprises everyone greatly because he's usually intelligent, swift and quick on every uptake) Why… there are four pairs of handcuffs in my pocket… and they seem to… be crafted… by me!
Bootstrap Bill: (pops up in the corner) Ah, I love that lad! He got my wit, he did!
Jack: I wish you'd stop turning up everywhere, covered in barnacles like some great, bumbling… barnacled… buffoon. Thing.
Beckett: On the fifth day of Christmas, my Sparrow gave to me… five sadomasochism swings! Four pairs of handcuffs, three handsome knaves, two faithful playmates and a powerful goddess of the sea.
Jack: I KNEW you'd like them! Test-driven in Tortuga, too—
Will: What? JACK? You KNEW about all this? You were IN on IT? You're a PIRATE? You fancy BECKETT?
Mercer: Clearly, good articulation makes one's acting more palatable.
Barbossa: I beg to differ.
Beckett: On the sixth day of Christmas, Norrington gave to me six Navy men for laying, five sadomasochism swings, four pairs of handcuffs, three handsome knaves, two faithful playmates and a powerful goddess of the sea.
Norrington: (in that dejected, bitter, asshole way) You're welcome.
Beckett: (surveying the said Navy men) Oh, they're just the perfect sizes! Thank you, James. Anyway. On the seventh day of Christmas, Tia Dalma gave to me seven bottles of aphrodisiac, six Navy men for laying, five sadomasochism swings, four pairs of handcuffs, three handsome knaves, two faithful playmates and a powerful goddess of the sea.
Tia Dalma: I did not give myself to ye, and ye be damned—
Beckett: Please keep talking. Your anger is turning me on.
(She rolls her eyes.)
(Meanwhile, Elizabeth is trying to ask everyone what it is she can do to save Will. In other words, she's trying to flirt with the whole room.)
Beckett: (continues) On the eighth day of Christmas, Bootstrap gave to me eight tentacles for Hentai, seven bottles of aphrodisiac, six Navy men for laying, five sadomasochism swings, four pairs of handcuffs, three handsome knaves, two faithful playmates and a powerful goddess of the sea.
Davy Jones: (from somewhere far away) I NEED THOSE!
Will: Curious. They're still squirming. What does Beckett mean to do with those?
Bootstrap: Son… (sighs) You're dumber than me, after all.
Beckett: On the ninth day of Christmas, Murtogg and Mullroy gave to me nine lovely hairbows, eight tentacles for Hentai, seven bottles of aphrodisiac, six Navy men for laying, five sadomasochism swings, four pairs of handcuffs, three handsome knaves, two faithful playmates and a powerful goddess of the sea.
Mullroy: Well, I thought we were going to get Lord Beckett the lovely green breeches—
Murtogg: You said not to. Which is why we got him the hairbows.
Mullroy: Anyway, our G-rated gift hardly seems like it fits at all.
Murtogg: G-rated? G-rated? I thought it was rated K.
Beckett: (shakes his head) AHEM. On the tenth day of Christmas, Sao Feng gave to me ten coupons for his bathhouse, nine lovely hairbows, eight tentacles for Hentai, seven bottles of aphrodisiac, six Navy men for laying, five sadomasochism swings, four pairs of handcuffs, three handsome knaves, two faithful playmates and a powerful goddess of the sea.
Sao Feng: Merry Christmas, everyone! (with a twin on either side of him)
Elizabeth: You're supposed to be dead! ALL THREE OF YOU!
Twin One: We are good looking Chinese sisters. We never die. We're a very good plot point for the anime fans and perverts in the audience.
Twin Two: We even sword-fight. And we wear nice, skimpy outfits. We don't die so easily. We live forever.
Sao Feng: They only speak the truth.
Beckett: On the eleventh day of Christmas, Mercer gave to me eleven meters of rope, ten coupons for a bathhouse, nine lovely hairbows, eight tentacles for Hentai, seven bottles of aphrodisiac, six Navy men for laying, five sadomasochism swings, four pairs of handcuffs, three handsome knaves, two faithful playmates and a powerful goddess of the sea.
Mercer: A simple gift, but an important one.
Governor Swann: (suddenly appears) I don't approve of all this sex! None of you are decent! I have half a mind to haunt you all. You're all vile and horrible. Your cheek makes my heart feel heavier than my wig.
Elizabeth: DADDY!
Governor: Yes, yes, my dear. As a Christmas gift, I decided to come visit you. Only because your mother is tired of me stressing over everything, pretending I have something to do with situations I took no part in, and making terrible decisions.
Elizabeth: Oh DADDY!
Will: Governor Swann!
Governor: Don't think I can't see your every move, boy.
(Will turns white.)
Beckett: EXCUSE ME, BUT THIS IS MY SONG! (There is silence.) Well, now, that is better. On the twelfth day of Christmas…
Anna Maria: (walks into the room and grabs Elizabeth by the collar) You cheeky little wench! All you had to do was waltz around in a stupid hat and say What's that over there? I'm looking for the man I love! and they remove ME, the original spunky tomboy, FROM THE SCRIPT. What?! Is there a Only One Strong-Willed Female Allowed in a Movie Series rule?
Elizabeth: … Oh… Oh, the heat. (faints)
Beckett: AHEM. ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS—
Ragetti: (to Sao Feng) Are you looking after your immortal soul, now?
Beckett: HELLO!
Gibbs: (with his arms around the undead twins) Thank God I'm drunk!
Beckett: On the twelfth day of Christmas, I gave to me—
Mullroy: I still think we should've gotten the breeches.
Beckett: SHUT UP! That's better. On the twelfth day of Christmas, I gave to me twelve specialty teas and twelve new china cups—
Barbossa: (rolling his eyes) Well, that was what we call anticlimactic. I'm sure Miss Swann will know what I'm talkin' about, being that she's with that oaf, Will—
Will: (busy trying to take back his handcuffs from the monkey and doesn't hear)
Beckett: Anticlimactic? How can anyone think tea is anticlimactic? Anyway, eleven meters of rope, ten coupons for a bathhouse, nine lovely hairbows, eight tentacles for Hentai, seven bottles of aphrodisiac, six Navy men for laying, five sadomasochism swings, four pairs of handcuffs, three handsome knaves, two faithful playmates…
EVERYONE TOGETHER: And a powerful goddess of the sea!