Easier To Run

This was inspired by the song Easier to Run by Linkin Park, one of my favourite bands. This is the first fanfic that I have submitted so any advice or comments are much appreciated.

I do not own any of the characters in here, they were all created by Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended in the writing of this story.

What have I done? How could I do this to my family, the ones who took me in despite my monstrous past? They believed that I could change, could become a better version of my past self. They excused my past mistakes, saying that everyone has slips and that they are a tragic, yet unavoidable, part of this existence. The past has been forgiven if not forgotten but this time. This time it is unforgivable.

I did not know what was about to happen, I had no warning and no chance of controlling myself. That is no justification for what I did. I could have hurt her, killed her even, had my brother not stopped me. One moment was all it took for that shallow cut, that single drop of blood, to change everything from a simple birthday party with everyone laughing and having fun to a scene of destruction, horror and anger. As soon as I had been dragged out of the room and had several breaths of clean air in my lungs I began to realize the horrible thing that I had been about to do. I was willing to kill my brothers mate simply because of my lack of self-control. Had she died, he would have died too, maybe not physically as we are all technically dead already but he would have lost all happiness. I cannot believe that I was willing to do that! Since I was let go outside the house I told my family that I just needed some time to clear my head and to be alone so please do not follow me and then took off into the forest. I ran straight to a small clearing that Alice and I came across a while ago, possibly not the best place to hide but all I could think of at the time.

I have to leave. I could have killed Bella tonight, my brothers mate, my mates best friend. It is too dangerous for me to stay, both for the humans here and for my family. They excused my mistakes in the past but Edward will never forgive me for attacking her. I do not have to be able to read minds to know that, after all, I would never forgive anyone who tried to harm Alice. I have sat here alone too long, someone will find me soon and by then I must be gone, disappeared like the evil creature of the night that I am.

I have kept this monster hidden inside of me for the last sixty years, for as long as I have lived with my family but tonight it broke free and was put on display for everyone to see. I am running, trying to outrun the pain of what I did tonight but all that it is doing is bringing back the memories of my past. The memories that I tried to bury in the hope that it would erase it. I tried to hide away the memories so that the monster would forget what it once had and maybe I could be good, part of this family. But no, the monster will never be gone from inside me. It will always be there, endangering the humans around me and hurting the ones I love. The memories circle in my head, the ones that I attempt to keep hidden from my family, the ones that call to me to embrace my old life once again.

How I wish I could be good enough to deserve my place in this family. They truly are a family although none of them are blood relatives. If I could take back my past then maybe I could be one of them, but I can't. I've been trying to make up for my past, to live like they do and resist the call of the past and of human blood but I am not strong enough. I cannot erase the pain that I have caused them all but I can prevent myself causing them future pain. I can remove myself from their lives and stop them being hurt by my weakness. I cannot stop myself making poor decisions and from being weak and thoughtless but I can stop that from hurting the ones I love. They will never tell me that I am too weak to be part of their family but after tonight I know that I will never be a real part of it. No one is safe from the monster that I am, not my family, not the humans around us, not even my brothers mate. If I could hurt her I could do anything. This leaving will hurt Alice, of course it will and I regret that more than anything else about my worthless existence but it will save her more pain in the future. She has the rest of her family who love her and will care for her. I cannot protect her from this pain as I am the one inflicting it. I must leave.

I run. That is all I can do properly, without hurting anyone. I will not get tired, not physically at least though I will certainly tire of running away. That is what I am actually doing, running away from the pain I have caused my family. I do not know how long I have been running, it feels like an age but that is because I have been separated from my love. Every minute I spend away from her feels like an hour, each hour a lifetime. The running is helping though. The further I get from my home the more I can convince myself that I am doing the right thing by leaving.

I let my mind wander wherever it feels and eventually it just goes blank. My body moves in the steady rhythm of running but my brain has gone numb. This is the way I will live from now on, running. Away from my family. From my life. Away from Alice.

Written by Alyssa based on the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer