This story sprung into my mind after a conversation with my good friend Annie.
This is parody. You might not want to read this if you like Tucker.
You have been warned.
Wednesday morning, 11am. Special Victims Unit.
Olivia Benson casually made her way up to the squad room, it was pretty late to be turning up to work at such an hour, but she was the boss, and nothing really happened anymore anyway.
She couldn't really remember the last time the squad room was busy - she was sure that it used to be. Years ago they seemed to have cases, fight crime - but these days she didn't have much time for all that. She was far too busy with the love of her life.
Oh yeah, and she had a son too.
But her time was mostly spent with her boyfriend and beautiful soulmate; The perfect, wondrous, amazing, loving person that was Ed Tucker. Yep. Olivia Benson had never been as happy. As fulfilled. As positive.
She was certain that everyone else could see it too - the glow she carried around these days.
Or maybe that was just the wine.
It was exactly 10 minutes after she had sat down at her desk that an odd thing happened. A thing that had nothing to do with her strange relationship choices in the slightest.
She glanced out of her window and felt relieved that everyone looked busy - she wasn't sure what they were all doing given how little time they spent solving cases these days, but they did a great job creating the illusion that they were working.
Suddenly her slight hangover haze was shaken as the wonderful, incredible, perfect Ed Tucker, walked into the squad room.
Olivia smiled, hoping he was taking her out for lunch at their usual bar, despite the fact they she had only been at work for 10 minutes.
Her smile faded however, when she noticed his panic stricken expression.
"Olivia, let's take a vacation! You and me - right now!
"A vacation? Right now?"
"Yes, let's go," he said in that emotionless and expressionless way that Olivia almost found sexy after half a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
As Olivia pondered his invitation she was drawn from her thoughts quickly as he rounded her desk and grabbed her arm, pulling her up.
"Right now, we have to leave right now." he said, his voice filled with an unmistakable fear.
"Ed, what are you doing? It's a bit early for a drink…" Olivia said, as Tucker pulled her quickly through the squad room, past Fin, Carisi and Amanda.
Amanda looked at Fin, puzzled, "Um, Fin? Is Olivia being abducted again?"
Fin put down his coffee and observed the scene in front of him carefully, "Well it's Olivia, so you never know. Hey Liv? Is Tucker abducting you?"
Olivia shook off Tuckers rather weak hold on her arm and stood still, Tucker nearly falling over with the abrupt movement.
"Abducting me? No...well I don't think so…" Olivia paused, and looked at tucker curiously, "Are you abducting me, or taking me on vacation?"
"Vacation Olivia. Vacation. There'll be a bar, all you can drink, come on you'll love it. Once you're drunk we can have sex. it'll be so romantic."
Olivia felt her stomach churn slightly at his words and realised she was too sober and it was too early in the morning to be thinking about Tucker in any kind of sexual context.
"Come on Olivia, let's go, we need to go right now." Tucker said, looking even more scared the longer he stood there.
"What's the rush? Why do you have to go on vacation right now?" said Dodds as he joined them, observing the scene with confusion.
At that moment, almost as if it had been scripted, the elevator door pinged. It was pretty quiet, as they were all sitting in quiet confusion, contemplating why Olivia would want to go on vacation, get drunk and have sex with Tucker, so they heard it all the way in the squad room.
Looking up, they all watched the door expectantly, and about three seconds later, they all gasped in perfect synchronisation, with the exception of Tucker, who whimpered slightly.
"Stabler! Sort this shit out, it's like some messed up ratings grabbing reality show round here. Seriously - I ain't sitting here watching this car crash in silence anymore. You gotta fix this." Fin said.
Everyone looked in amazement at Fin, who had said more in one sentence than he had in years. Her eyes locked with Elliot immediately. He had changed, but only in the sense that he had become even more unbelievably sexy over the years.
"This is Stabler?" Amanda said, shifting in her seat, and leaning forward - her elbow on her desk and chin in her hand as she eyed him seductively. "Liv, he's quite. ..well...something…"
Olivia stared at Elliot, glared briefly at Amanda to warn her off of her man, then resumed staring at Elliot some more.
"What are you doing here? " she asked.
"Fin told me you needed help. That you're pretty close to losing your mind, if you haven't already." Elliot said.
"But how did he find you?" Olivia asked in amazement.
"When he didn't pick up his cell, I just went to his house. It was that simple Liv." Fin said, shaking his head.
Olivia felt a rush of guilt wash over her. It really was that simple to find someone.
"Fin said you needed me to sort this mess out."
"Fin...what mess? " Olivia asked, her eyes remaining locked on her former partner.
"This mess Liv!" Fin exclaimed, "you've not been right for a while, but shit, you're screwing Tucker!"
Carisi went straight to the coffee machine and poured the strongest coffee he could make. It was the only thing he could do to erase the horrible image of Olivia having sex with Tucker.
Amanda flinched slightly at the thought, then continued to gaze and bat her eyes at Elliot - who completely ignored her, because his eyes had remained locked onto Olivia since he had stepped foot back in the squad room.
"You have to ask yourself a very important question Olivia: Why. The hell. Are you sleeping with him?" Elliot asked.
"Well..I don't actually know...as such..it's just….well, he...I mean, look at him!" she said, stumbling over her words until she finally smiled at Tucker.
"Liv", Elliot said, "we're all looking at him, and no one in this room gets it."
Olivia glanced around the squad room and noticed that the entire squad were indeed watching both him and Olivia intently.
"Yeah Liv, we're looking...but gotta agree with your astonishing sexy ex partner," Amanda said, shamelessly running her fingers through her hair and smiling seductively at Elliot, "I don't get it." Amanda said with a shrug.
"None of us get it, something's messed up with your head Olivia," Fin said.
"Let me guess. Olivia suddenly, out of nowhere started to be…" Elliot paused, swallowing hard as he suppressed the urge to vomit, "involved, with Tucker, no warning, no build up, just out of the blue?"
"Now you put it that way," said Dodds, "that's about right. Do you have an explanation for this? And also, while you're at it, an explanation for where you've been for five years?"
"That, is almost as improbable and hard to believe as the reason Olivia is in a relationship with Tucker," said Munch, as he entered the room, because you can't have a situation like this without Munch explaining it all to them. "So let's just focus on this Tucker mess."
"She loves me!" Tucker exclaimed. "She's so happy with me - so happy she might explode from happiness!"
"Shut up Tucker." said Elliot as he looked at him in disgust, before glancing around the room. "Everyone listen to Munch."
Fin shook his head and gave a laugh, "not something you hear every day."
Munch, silently ecstatic that they were indeed, all waiting and wanting to listen to what he had say, moved to stand in front of the squad, waiting until all eyes were focused on him before he began speaking. "Olivia's sudden and abrupt decision to date a man who had her arrested and put her in jail for murder and singlehandedly went after the careers of her and her partner, was not one born from the heart. Olivia has been the victim of mind control, initiated by the ingestion of alcohol, namely wine.
He paused, surveying his captive audience
"Its the wine."
"Umm, Munch, that's a bit whack. You're saying she drunk some kind of love potion laced wine, that messed with her head?" Fin said.
"A particular variety from Paraguay, which contains a substance which affects the portion of the brain where sensible decisions are made." Munch continued. "This leaves the drinker liable to make ridiculous decisions about romance, and unfathomable relationship choices. I know it seems extremely far fetched, but let's face it, Olivia dating him In the first place is even more far fetched, and therefore this theory has credibility on that basis alone."
When balancing up the improbable reason that Olivia was dating Tucker, alongside the fact that she was dating him at all, the whole squad could only agree that a far fetched, out there theory was acceptable.
Meanwhile, Tucker edged closer and closer toward the direction of the elevator, creeping back further and further in the hope that no one would notice him as he attempted to slither away.
Unfortunately for him, Elliot was only too aware of his attempts at slithering, and he moved fast, taking a handful of his shirt, and hauling him back into the squad room. "What the hell do you have to say for yourself? Olivia would never fall in love with you. That's why you had to resort to such low tactics. You knew she would never want you."
"Is this true?" Olivia asked.
"Yes, I admit it, it's true, I admit everything!" squeaked Tucker, "please don't kill me Elliot!"
Fin and Amanda laughed as they watched Tucker squirm, while Carisi downed his coffee fast.
What do you want to do with this loser Liv?" Elliot asked, as he kept a tight fistful of Tucker's shirt.
"Don't kill me!" squeaked Tucker again.
Olivia walked over to the squirming man, who looked terrified next to Elliot. She paused, and turned to Munch "Wait..if I'm under some kind of spell, what do I have to do to break it?"
Munch paused and thought for a moment, "Well that's easy, you need to find someone who is the polar opposite of everything Tucker stands for…..and kiss him. This will break the spell."
Everyone looked at Munch dubiously, but he had been highly convincing up until now, and so they didn't question him.
"Polar opposite huh?" Olivia said with a smile, as she slipped her hands around Elliot's neck, pulling him to her.
The room fell silent as Olivia and Elliot kissed, tentatively at first, then passionately. Elliot pulling Olivia close with one arm, while the other kept a tight hold of Tucker.
"Munch?" Amanda asked, "Is that true? That she had to kiss Elliot to break the spell?"
Munch laughed, "No, I made that up."
They all looked at him in amazement.
Munch laughed. "Thirteen years as partners and they just kept torturing themselves by not admitting how they felt. It was a tragedy really."
Olivia broke away from Elliot's embrace briefly, a real genuine happiness quite unmistakable now. She held Elliot's hand as she glanced at Munch. "Thank you Munch. You might have made that up, but it did work, The spell has been broken."
"Olivia, don't listen to them! I need you. ...you're such a perfect cover! Don't leave me...I mean….lover! You're a perfect lover!" Tucker swallowed hard as he realised his slip of the tongue.
Elliot had enough and moved quickly, practically dragging him toward the stairs and hauling him down wordlessly, Olivia moving fast to keep up.
Once they were at the ground floor, Elliot slammed Tucker against the wall and held him there, "cover for what?"
"A…..a…..secret plot, to further my career by setting up and taking down her squad. I'd get promoted, I'd be a hero, everyone would admire and adore me!"
Olivia glared at Tucker, "You, are a total bastard!"
She drew her arm back, and without another word, punched him straight in his face. Elliot laughed as he almost dropped him "Damn, you're still the Liv we all know."
Olivia smiled, and kissed him, briefly but passionately, then pulled reluctantly away. "Throw the son of a bitch out on his ass."
Elliot took great pleasure in kicking open the fire door and hauling Tucker out of the building, shoving him hard. Tucker landed in a heap of rubbish sacks, and didn't attempt to get up as he looked pleadingly at Olivia, "Please be my cover? I need you! My plan won't work if you're not dating me!"
"You done with this son of a bitch Liv? Let's go," Elliot said.
Olivia held out her hand, and pulled Elliot toward her, "wait," she whispered, "I want him to watch,"
Elliot frowned for a moment, not realising the meaning behind her words at first, "watch what?"
"Watch this," Olivia said with a sexy smile.
Elliot soon remembered the last time she had said those words, and with Tucker watching from his position amidst the trash bags, Olivia and Elliot made out with a passion that saw their hands roaming each other's bodies and their mouths devouring hungrily.
Tucker could only sit amongst the trash and see his devious plan had failed.
They pulled apart and looked into each other's eyes, Elliot smiled and placed a soft kiss on her lips.
Olivia smiled lovingly at him, her partner would never fail to come through for her. Now that Tucker was out of her life, and now that she knew what it felt like to be in Elliot's arms, life could only get better.
For the first time in a very long time, Olivia Benson was happy.