Guilty love

The word heartache was an idea that was firmly present in my new body. It seems that my host had experienced it many times before. So I wasn't surprised to recognize the word.

But what I was surprised to experience was the feeling that came with it. The physical ache in my chest. It clutched at me with iron claws, and it slowly applied more pressure.

Jared.

I lay there on my mattress in the dark cave I shared with Ian, and I felt like a traitor. How could I be thinking of another person, regardless of gender, when he was there beside me? I felt another feeling rise up within me. Guilt.

But what could I do about it? My body was in control now.

Slowly, as if my new body rebelled against me just as Melanie did, I felt myself rising up off my mattress. I pried Ian's fingers from my waist and marveled at how he was completely unaware of my leaving.

I looked back down at him once I was standing. His strong jaw faced me, his skin glinting in a bit of moonlight. He looked so strong, so protective at that moment, even if he was asleep.

And then one loud snore broke the moment.

A giggle erupted from me as I was betrayed, once again, by this new body. I quickly clasped a hand over my mouth, trying to stifle it before it could wake Ian. But, no. Ian slept on, never knowing of my outburst.

I quickly and quietly grabbed some covering clothing and stole out of the room. Even though it was completely unheard of for any soul to retain memories of a previous host, I could remember Jared as clear as day. His lopsided smile, the feel of phantom limbs encircling me, even his deep belly laugh. The sweet memories filled my head as I remembered more and more.

And suddenly, I woke from my reverie to find myself standing outside Melanie's and Jared's cave. I could hear the deep breaths that Jared took as he slumbered, probably with an arm thrown around Melanie. I raised my hand to knock, not caring about the consequences. What if he came out? Or worse, what if Melanie came out? What would happen? What would they say? Yeah, that would be a nice conversation! Sarcasm came easily to this body.

I lowered my arm and now my body lost its lust for Jared as guilt completely took up all available space. I trembled as silent tears rolled down my cheeks. Poor Ian.

I turned and stumbled down the hall, back to Ian. My bare feet scraped against the walls, and each stub of my toes felt like a punishment. But I felt as if I deserved each punishment.

Words chased each other around in my head.

Ian. Jared. Trust. Love. Betrayal.

I felt like screaming, or maybe tearing out my eyes, just to substitute the terrible guilt I felt with mind-searing pain.

And as soon as I had found myself at Jared's door, I was back at Ian's cave. I didn't need to knock. He gave me as much right to this room as he had. So, I breezed in, gliding, almost.

An idea passed through my mind. Maybe there was a way that my guilt would go away.

I shed my clothing quickly, and stood there, half-naked, feeling the cold chill of the night wind passing across my bare shoulders and torso.

I silently crossed the room and stood over Ian, one foot on each side of his body. Lust was growing in my chest again, and I mentally urged it on, hoping it could completely erase my guilt.

I crouched down onto Ian's stretched out body, straddling him. He stirred, and his eyes popped open. I stroked his muscled chest lightly, letting my fingers talk for me. He did the same with his eyes and his fingers on my bare back. I shivered, and this time from his fingers, not the night air.

He sat up, and his palms pressed against my back, pulling me closer to him, eliminating any air between us. The flame in my chest grew, melting the cold frozenness of guilt.

Our lips met forcefully, with enough pressure to hurt if both of us hadn't been pressing hard. His lips were soft and sweet, seemingly out of place on a man. I breathed him in, just another way to evict the guilt.

He passed a hand across my breast and I flinched. He kneaded my nipple gently, now with his teeth, and I felt the hard bump on my thigh.

Suddenly aggressive now, Ian rolled over so that he was on top, and he slid down my body, and took off my underwear with his teeth. He stared me in the eye the whole time.

"Guilt sex?" Nah, doesn't have the same ring to it as "anger sex". And with that thought, I surrendered myself to Ian, already in a nervous anticipation of what would happen next.

*

I woke up the next morning with my head resting on Ian's chest, slowly rising and falling as he breathed. He was awake and absentmindedly drawing patterns on my bare back.

"You, Wanda, were amazing last night."

Ahh, if he only knew…

I nodded slightly and responded with a kiss to his warm, exposed chest, not trusting myself to lie well enough.

But time heals all wounds. Even distinctly shaped Jared wounds. I would love Ian, and with him and time I would heal.

A/N: So it was kind of weird to write this, just because I'm a guy, and it ended up vastly different from what I originally planned.

But all in all, I didn't really like this. I just felt a need to write, bursting through my bout of writers block, and I came out with this…crap. That's why its not very long.

Anyways, read and review, s'il vous plait.

~playa