Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Dear Members of the Order of the Phoenix,
It amazes me how grown adults continue to act as if they're children so, seeing as you all refuse to act as adults I am going to treat like children and give you rules to follow.
1. All of you're to stop sending insulting letters to Death Eaters.
Which idiot thought it'd be a wise move to insult people who want to already kill us.
2. Sirius Black is to stop getting into a screaming match with his Mother's portrait two in the morning.
Others want to sleep at that hour.
3. Not allowed to leave things in the middle of the room for Tonks to trip over.
It is no way amusing.
4. Nobody is to hide Remus's chocolate and refuse to give it back until he sings to you.
Especially the night before it is a full moon.
5. No-one to suggest that Sirius and Severus should kiss nor are you to lock them in a cupboard until they kiss.
Because when freed from the cupboard they'll both hurt you.
6. The following excuses are not accepted as to why you didn't turn up for an order meeting,
"I was having a pie eating contest with a goat"
"I was washing my hair".
"I was getting drunk and I lost track of time"
"I couldn't be bothered, because frankly I find them boring"
"I was breaking into Hogwarts because my godson wanted me to help him prank Umbridge".
7. Do not ever tell Molly how to raise her children.
Because it will lead to her shouting at you for several hours.
8. Food is to be eaten not thrown up at the ceiling.
That is such a waste of food.
9. Not allowed to switch anyone's shampoo with removable cream.
Severus looks weird with a bald head.
10. Nobody is to remind Sirius that is he related to Bellatrix Lestrange.
Because it makes him want to punch you.
11. Boredom is not an excuse for covering yourself in toilet paper and shrieking.
That shrieking was annoying and also kind of impressive.
How did Remus get his voice to sound that high pitched?.
12. Buckbeak is not a pony and it is disrespectful to say he is.
13. In the middle of duel between you and Lucius Malfoy, you are not allowed to ask "How he gets his hair that shiny?".
14. Do not tell Mad Eye that he is being followed by Ninjas.
Because he isn't and he is paranoid enough as it.
Sincerely Albus Dumbledore.