AN: Written by Kiyo, posted by me, Aki. I think I may write a follow up soon…
Disclaimer: We no own Twilight or the awesometastic Emmett.
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41 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed to Do:
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1. Lift up a school bus full of second graders sans bus driver in order to 'rescue' a penny.
2. Challenge anyone to a Yu-Gi-Oh duel and have a temper tantrum when he loses.
3. Attempt to give Bella the 'Talk'.
4. Inform Alice that chartreuse is the new pink.
5. Launch a potato at Edward.
6. Order Jasper to stop giving him those dirty emotions when he's around Esme.
7. Tell everyone that he's pregnant….
8. …and that Esme is the father.
9. Streak through his house with 'bite me' written on his ass in whipped cream.
10. Streak through the school with 'bite me' written on his ass in whipped cream.
11. Streak. Or be allowed within three feet of whipped cream.
12. Imagine Bella naked when Edward's in the room for the sole purpose of pissing Edward off.
13. IMAGINE BELLA NAKED EVER AGAIN! MUST I KILL YOU BROTHER?
14. Politely inform Jasper that the North won the war.
15. Sing anything that is generally related to Katey Parrey, Justin Timberlake, Rhianna, Beyonce, or the Ying Yang Twins.
16. Buy any of the werewolves shock collars.
17. Insist that Rosalie finds shadow puppets seductive.
18. Wear that fairy princess costume ever again.
19. Poke Edward. And then, after he twitches, proceed to call him Twitchy the Vampiric Squirrel for the next decade.
20. Turn a fruit basket in his legion of the undead.
21. Declare himself the President of the World and attempt to smite any who disobey him.
22. Steal nuclear warheads from the government under the guise of 'fixing' them.
23. Tell people that the CIA is monitoring his cell phone/laptop, even if they are. For the third time this decade.
24. Comment loudly on Bella's sexual repression. Especially in the school cafeteria.
25. Inform everyone that Edward and Bella are perfect for each other because they have the same disturbing kinks.
26. Walk up to Caius singing 'The Werewolves of London'.
27. Sing ' Miss New Booty' whenever Bella walks by.
28. Sing 'I Can Tell You Wanna F*** ' whenever Rosalie walks by.
29. Sing 'Barbie Girl ' whenever Alice walks by.
30. Sing 'Let Me Love You ' whenever Esme walks by.
31. Run and claim sanctuary with the Volturi as Edward, Jasper, Carlisle, and Rosalie come after him for it.
32. Declare himself the school Pimp and round up a group of girls (and guys) to follow him around the school, referring to them fondly as his 'ho's'.
33. Watch Blue's Clues. Ever. Again.
34. Impersonate Fergie. You do realize that song is taboo now, right?
35. Attempt to seduce a teacher.
36. Enroll the whole family, Bella included, in therapy.
37. Put Jacob on a leash, walk him around town, appear at Billy's house in La Push, and demand his dog-walking money.
38. Stalk Charlie. It's creepy.
39. While watching a football game, leap up and scream, "IT WAS COLONEL MUSTARD IN THE KITCHEN WITH THE LEAD PIPE!" and sit back down as if nothing happened.
40. Ask Bella to make an X-rated movie with him.
41. Run out of the cafeteria screaming, "I thought we had something SPECIAL!" when Bella sits down in front of him eating a piece of pizza.