The Carnivore's Package
"If you all don't get down here now, I'm stealing your souls!" Emmett threatened as he set down a box of donuts on the stove and opened a bag of fried chicken.
Edward walked into the room and covered his mouth and nose with a nearby towel and yelled things Emmett was happy were muted by the cloth. Edward pointed toward the kitchen table which was now groaning with the weight of every food from Durian to Popcorn
"Of course you can eat it, silly, it is for you guys." Emmett laughed as he grabbed Edward by the arm and walked to one of the chairs where he thrust him into the one left of the head. Edward took the towel off his mouth and started throwing a fit.
"Emmett, what are you doing with this food? It smells terrible." Edward asked as Rosalie and Alice raced down the stairs, dragging a lipstick covered Jasper behind them. Jasper was almost unrecognizable, his hair was done up in curls, his lips where blood red from lipstick, and his pale face was now the color of tangerines from the makeup caked onto his face.
"Emmett? Edward?" Alice asked as she skipped and bounced onto one of the stools located around the rest of the table. She leaned back on it so it was on two legs, then pulled Jasper onto the stool next to hers.
"Jasper, Bro, what happened to you?" Emmett asked as he and Edward ran to his aid. Jasper just hid his face into his black jacket. He looked down, and on realizing he was wearing one of Rosalie's pink skirts, grabbed the table cloth, leaving all the food in place, and wrapped it around his body.
"I-I-I'm a pretty girl right?" Jasper stuttered as he looked over at Alice who was drawing a unicorn on his table cloth-toga with lipstick. He looked over at Rosalie on his left who was now dancing silently to her own beat.
"Oh, I get it," Edward sighed as he snatched the lipstick from Alice's grasp and drew a Monster truck surrounded by a Confederate flag, on Jasper's arm. "Emmett, think manly thoughts please."
"What like horses?" Emmett asked.
"Horses? No, like giant cars or something." Edward said as he continued to pencil in neatly drawn sports cars and giant bugs on Jasper's arms.
"Mmmmm…. Mr. Jeep." Emmett spoke like he was talking to a lover and started to hug himself with his eyes shut.
"Alice and Rose did this too you didn't they?" Edward asked as he finished his red tattoos on one arm and started on another. Jasper shook his head yes and smiled, glad to know that his sad song of woe would finally be sung.
"And," Edward listened to Jasper's thoughts for a second, "They were trying to get you to think you were a girl? Oh, so that explains the makeup and Marilyn Monroe look, okay."
"Thank you." Jasper said as he stood up and smiled. "I thought I was doomed. These two came down on me like hawks, thinking such vile, women thoughts," he shivered.
"They weren't vile!" Rosalie argued, as she slapped Emmett from his daydream-date with Mr. Jeep. Emmett came to his senses and sighed.
"Did my thoughts win?" He asked.
"Wait a second," Alice butt in, "Since when are shoes and dresses vile?"
"Since you were making me think them," Jasper growled and walked over to the sink where to try to wash off the makeup.
"Enough, we're getting to me right now." Emmett said and slammed his fist onto the counter. Deciding that that wasn't enough, he grabbed a frozen fish and slammed it onto the counter. Everyone stopped and looked at him
"Fine go." Alice sighed and grabbed Jasper's hand as he slunk into the seat next to her.
"Today we're doing an experiment of mine. You've all tasted human food I know for sure. It's tasted bad, terrible, but it tastes different. You can tell different foods apart and I'm wondering if there's a 'magic' food that one of us can stand eating. We will all be eating this food and trying to figure out if it's true. We're splitting up into teams so we can eat more food and you don't fidget out of any."
"No! I'm not eating any of that garbage." Rose argued and Emmett starred at her indifferently.
"Remember the 'I'll steal your soul' part?"
"Well I'll be safe, continue on," Edward muttered darkly.
"You can't steal souls, get over it Emmett." Alice said.
"Fine, but we're still doing this, no matter what you say or do. I will pull your severed head through here if I have to. Now, team Alpha go sit over there." He pointed to one side of the kitchen and Alice and Rosalie ran over and hopped onto the sink where he had pointed. They smiled at each other and grabbed plates out of the kitchen cabinet.
"Team Beta will sit right here." He pointed to the stools in front of him and Edward and Jasper pulled out his chair so that he crashed to the floor. Emmett growled, but Edward and Jasper were on chairs, whistling and looking the other way.
"You know what? Just for that, you too are eating the Platypus first." Emmett thrust two slabs of dark meat into there mouths. Jasper chewed with his mouth shut tight, as Edward swallowed a bite and threw it up onto the floor.
Emmett walked over to the ladies and handed them boxes upon boxes of sweats. Chocolate, cake, and lollipops filled every square inch of their spaces and Rose and Alice both took bites of chocolate fudge, before spitting it up onto Emmett's jacket.
"Oops." Rose said as she picked up a donut and thrust it into Alice's mouth.
"Ew." Emmett cried as he ran back to Team Beta and started to open more packages of the meat. He handed Edward and Jasper the Carnivore package and laughed as their faces dropped and circled with a mixture of dizziness and anger.
"Cookie, no, Vanilla cake, no, Hershey kisses? Blah!" Alice started chanting and that got the rest of the family ready and they started strong, swallowing what they could.
"Fruit cake, cough, sushi, gross, wait, is that fish, alive?" Rosalie yelled as she took a flounder off the table and threw it against the wall where it hit Jasper straight in the face, making all the contents in his mouth to spray all over the table.
"Sorry Jasper," Rose called and she started to toy with the chop sticks.
Minutes turned to hours as the family sat, ate, and puked all over the table.
Jasper was the first to find his 'magic food'. He had taken a bite into a piece of fried chicken and swallowed with glee. He opened to whole bag and when it didn't open it correctly, just ripped it apart. Chicken flew everywhere and Jasper ran around the kitchen and caught each part in his hands, before stuffing them into his face. Finally noticing his experience, but embarrassed by his outburst he took another bag of fried chicken and slunk into the shadows where Emmett cornered him.
"You found it didn't you." He accused and Jasper nodded.
"It's just so good," Jasper said and he tried to throw some into Emmett's mouth. Emmett choked on it and spit it up with a look of horror on his face.
"To each their own I guess." He said as he slunk into a leg of turkey.
A few hours later and all the Cullen's had found their calling food. Alice had licorice, and she was braiding her hair with it.
Rosalie had dark chocolate and she was melting it in a pot so she could flaunt it as a drink. She drank it greedily and for once in her eternity, acted like a kid instead of a stuck up model.
Emmett was eating steak by the pound. Piles of meat where filling the table as Emmett poured them down his throat. Rosalie smiled at him and he opened the fifth package of steak and threw it into the oven.
Edward had ventured onto hotdogs. He wasn't eating so much but he managed to use up the dozen Emmett had made and was cooking more as he paced noisily.
All the vampires were so in tuned with their foods that they didn't even notice Bella enter the room. She kept yelling for Edward but he was too busy doing an Irish jig with Jasper.
"What are you all doing in here?" She asked as Emmett began square dancing with a steak and Alice finished making a model of the Leaning Tower of Pisa out of licorice. Edward turned and, after grabbing a few hotdogs, raced her up to his room away from the madness so he could account the craziness to her.
A few hours later Carlisle arrived home from a tiresome and exhausting day of caring for over and inactive patients that just wouldn't behave. He stepped into the kitchen to find three vampires laying on the ground covered in food. He bent down and examined Alice's groaning figure and sighed.
"Why are you covered in licorice Alice?"
"I … because…. It was so, so tasty." She stuttered and hugged herself. "I feel… bad."
"No kidding. Why were you eating human food, and how was it tasty? That's just so outré!" Carlisle asked anxiously and he walked over to where Emmett and Rosalie where lying against the floor, their heads in buckets. Rosalie looked up and smiled weakly.
"I, we, ate too much food."
Emmett looked up too and began to speak. "I had this idea. I thought that there would be a magical food that each of us could eat and it would taste good. Well we tried my theory and it worked a little too well. I think we over did it."
Carlisle didn't know what to do. Surly Tylenol or Pepto Bismo would work on a human but what about vampires? It just didn't work that way.
"Well it looked like you'll just going to have to throw it up. Where are the rest of you?" Carlisle asked.
"Jasper and Esme are in there," Rosalie pointed toward the cupboard and there were two small groans as the two occupants rolled over onto their sides. Carlisle opened the cupboard to find the two fit snugly against the sides of the covert. Jasper threw the rest of his KFC out into the kitchen floor and Esme chucked her pineapple onto the ground so it smashed into a million fruity pieces.
Carlisle ducked away from the fruit and chicken and ran up the steps to where Edward was lying on the floor of his bedroom writhing in pain as Bella sucked on a lollipop and threw pillows at him.
"Don't be such a big baby Edward." He yelled and shut the door to Edward's room behind him.
Carlisle ran down to the kitchen where the floor was strewn with used food. He nonchalantly leaned against the table and picked some of the food apart. Then the idea struck him, if the others could find as they called it, 'their magic food' couldn't he? He wouldn't go crazy and eat all of it, he had more restraint in his fingers then somebody like Emmett had in their lives.
Carlisle picked up a piece of a mysterious dark meat and swallowed it quickly.
Ah, platypus, the other, other white meat. He grabbed a handful of it and slinked against the wall with one thing one his mind: keep eating this delectable treat till he got sick. It turns out he didn't have the restraint after all.
Author's Note: So it's my first one shot! How do you like it? Love it? Hate it? Thank you all for reviewing! Oh, and just wondering, does anyone know if platypus is really edible? I know the males are poisonous on their feet but overall? Thanks again and review!!