Running in the Rain

I like running in the rain, really. It's so nice to feel the water streaming down your face, and usually there aren't many people out so it's like you get the whole neighborhood to yourself. I like how my feet feel pounding on the pavement, too. That "thump, thump, thump" seems like it connects me with things more, you know?

It doesn't matter if my feet are slipping in my soaking shoes, or if the rain is mingling with the tears on my face. At least this way it's easier to pretend. Because I'm not crying, really. It's just the rain, isn't it? That's all it ever is, and all anyone will ever see.

Oh, that old neighbor man is looking at me. I wonder why? Maybe he's really a zombie that's plotting to eat my brains! That must be it! Because why else would his eyes be following me right now? I'm just running down the street, enjoying the cloudy day for what it has to offer. He's always been suspicious, that old man. Even if he's not a zombie, I bet he's a cyborg from the future, and he's come to tell me I'm the Prime Minister of Japan in 2030, but if he can't protect me now from the evil terrorist group who just sent another cyborg back to kill me…

Wait, what? Anyway, I'd better tell Tatsuki to watch the old guy, he might try and abduct her to get to me. Yes. Maybe I'd better invite her over for dinner or something? That way I can keep her nearby and watch over her. Plus my apartment is too quiet. I need more noise, and Tatsuki has a large presence—she fills out all the rooms without even trying! That's what I love about her.

Yes, that's just what I'll do. But I can't stop to call her just yet, the rain is too nice. I'd better keep running. I could take the fast way home…but I'll just take a left up here so I can stay out a little longer.

Besides, I don't want to have her ask me what happened with Ichigo. No, we don't need to talk about that, especially when there are so many other things we need to talk about, like the old man, and the possibility that the math teacher, Mr. Yamada, is really an alien! I don't know about Tatsuki, but I sure don't want to be probed. But even if he is an alien, Mr. Yamada is awfully nice. Maybe he's an alien refugee who came to Earth so he could escape the horrible probing job his mother-in-law forced him to take. I'm sure that's it.

My legs are starting to hurt, and it's getting harder to breathe. I guess I'm panting really loud, but isn't that good exercise? Tatsuki's always telling me to exercise more. And this way I can think about what a good thing I'm doing instead of the way Ichigo's face looked when I told him, and the gentle way he spoke to me. For some reason I feel like falling down, like falling down and curling up right here on the sidewalk, but that would really be weird wouldn't it? Yeah, probably…

But my chest is only hurting more and more. I don't like this feeling. I should probably stop running. I feel like I'm choking and I can't pretend this away, not this time. Even though I want to so badly I feel like exploding. I don't like the way my socks feel in my wet shoes, and how my skirt keeps sticking to my knees, and the way Ichigo flinched when I finally told him how I felt. He tried to hide it, but didn't do a very good job. And when he told me he just didn't care for me that way, it was so kind. He told me we would always be friends, that he would never hesitate to protect me from anything that tried to hurt me, but how can he say that? Doesn't he know nothing hurts more than what he just did? Even the kindness hurts.

Maybe if he was mean it would be easier. I think it would. I could just yell, "Ichigo, you meanie!" and Tatsuki would hit him like she used to when they were little. It would be silly and I could laugh it off, but the kindness shows he really does care a little, just not enough. Not enough to love me back, not even enough to…to…Why is it like this? I didn't think it'd hurt this much. I really didn't. Otherwise I would have gone on pretending like always, pretending that it didn't really matter what happened, as long as we were all together. I'm such a child.

I want to go home. I want to go home to my brother, to someone who really loves me, but there isn't anyone there. Oh, my chest burns, and my eyes burn, and I absolutely hate it. But that's all I have to go back to. An empty apartment, but at least I'm almost there and I can get out of these wet clothes.

Finally, the stairs! I see them, and now I don't care so much, but…

Wait, is that someone in front of my door? It better not be some pervert, I've got my pepper spray. Lemme get it out just in case, and then—but it's just Ishida-kun! Oh, that's alright then. But why is he looking at me like that? I just got wet is all, it is raining really hard and I forgot my umbrella over at....That's all it is, really, I promise.

He doesn't believe me, I can tell. He's always suspicious. But he can be really nice, too. Maybe he can come in for a bit? Someone else to help fill up all the empty space I live in. Hehe, why is he blushing like that? I've never really seen him blush, it's actually pretty funny.

Oh, but I don't have any food though. I never did go to the store like I was supposed to, but maybe just some juice would be okay? He seems a little relieved. Well, it is kind of past dinner time already. I must have been running for awhile—I'd better change so I don't get the floor all wet!

That's so sweet, he made us some tea! It's nice, since I'm so cold. And yes, I'll admit I'm shivering a bit, but it'll stop once I warm up some more. Just a little more. What's with this water on my face? I guess I didn't get my hair dry enough, and it just keeps dripping off my chin. Oh, don't worry, I'm fine, really, I'm fine, I'm fine. Don't make me say anything else, I'm fine. Really. Really. Let me pretend to be fine. Please don't force me to tell the truth. I'd rather talk all day about robots and space aliens, and how the landlady must be able to hear the thoughts of the man next door since she always catches him trying to sneak out without paying his late rent.

I like my pretend world so much more than this reality, where things hurt and I can't just lead a happy life where nobody's damaged. But at least your shoulder is warm, and your hand feels so nice as it strokes my hair. You don't even seem to care that the water on my face is leaving your shirt all wet. And you're saying such nice things.

Finally, I feel like I can breathe a little, like my chest isn't all stopped up with cotton or something. And your voice, which I used to think was so cold, is really just subtle. I can hear all these things in your voice, things which I've felt too, which I've been hiding too. And it's such a relief, I don't mind when you press your lips to mine. They're chapped, and a little hesitant, but full of something I'm so familiar with, I've forgotten to be upset.

It's been so long since I felt that strong feeling of love wrap me up, wash over me and warm up that cold place I've been carrying inside ever since Brother died. Tatsuki has always helped, but not like this, not in a way that could fix me. You know what just happened, right? I can't help laughing, and your face is red, and suddenly my chest hurts for an entirely different reason.

There really is good in everything. Perhaps that pain on my face helped you to be brave enough to lift it from me, just a bit. I know how hard that is, how hard it is to say what you feel while fear is eating your guts like the old man zombie-neighbor would like to do. And maybe even if I don't feel exactly like you do just now, I really like how your hand felt on my hair, and the uncertain way you kissed me.

Maybe it isn't the perfect dream, but maybe that's okay, because I feel better, even just a little, and there is something about you that's rather charming. I could grow into your love. I think I could. And you really are too kind, to offer to wait, because I see how your eyes hurt like mine did, but it's not like that, it isn't the same, because I want to pull you back to me, I think. But I'm not sure. I guess I do need a little time.

Will you sit with me anyways? I like how your hand feels in mine, and we could always play video games if we get bored. Or we could spy on that zombie man. You're smart, I bet you could rig up a good zombie defense system.

Yeah. I think I could like you, if only because you're easing this pain with your presence and kind, callused hands.