WHY?

Teresa sat on her sofa in the dark, her knees pulled up under her chin, her hands wrapped tightly around her legs, clutching the old cell phone close to her, trying to stop herself from shaking.

WHY had she done it?

WHY had she gone for those pancakes?

As the tears began to spill from her eyes, she decided today had probably been the worst day of her life so far. Probably worse than hearing of her mother's death, her father's suicide, hearing Jane's message left on her answerphone; "I'll miss you." All of these paled into insignificance compared to her betrayal of her best friend and what had made it worse… his apparent acceptance of that betrayal. Did he really not care enough about her to stop her?

She looked at the cell phone clasped tightly in her hand and pressed the button to access his message, listening to it several times over. When the phone had been returned to her after Red John had been killed she left the message on it. While she was in Cannon River, she would listen to it when she felt alone and abandoned in the early days there; it brought her comfort. He had survived. Then the letters started to arrive proving he was still alive and safe, but she still kept the phone. It had become her security blanket while she waited for him to be released from detention in Austin. She kept it in the box with the letters he had sent from South America and the letters she had written to him while he was in detention. The letters that had been returned to her, unopened on Abbott's orders.

WHY hadn't she given them to him once he was freed? They had started working together again, except they hadn't. She couldn't remember when she had started avoiding him or he, her. Perhaps it had been both of them… and then along came Marcus.

WHY had Jane involved the team in the Art Fraud department case? The trap for the art thieves and killer had been fun, although those dresses Jane had bought for her; well they didn't leave much to the imagination. She had played her part and he his, keeping close to each other most of the time and they had caught the thieves in a weekend scam and the Art Fraud department had been trying to catch them for months. That was the talent, the enigma that was Patrick Jane. An eye for the con, a conman himself; simple really. Marcus was grateful; it made him look good solving the series of high profile robberies.

WHY had she flirted with Marcus in the vaults of the Art Fraud squad? Why suddenly had she felt the need to assert her sexuality with a stranger in front of Jane? Had he noticed?

WHY wasn't Jane in the room with the others when Marcus made his move; if he had been there she wouldn't have gone out with Marcus. She found out from Kim that Jane had been returning the stolen portrait to the widow, saying comforting words to her about her loss, while the rest of them ate case-closed pizza courtesy of Cho. The widow had written a letter of thanks to the department and especially to Jane. Jane hated being thanked, always had.

WHY? What made him so reluctant to accept a simple thank you? Of course when it was from a woman it was often accompanied by a hug or a kiss on the cheek and he really didn't like physical contact… except from her. The sight of him coming back into the bullpen wearing that scarf, thinking they were going somewhere together and the almost instant realisation that he was not included still made her feel guilty. He had put his mask back on quickly but she had seen the truth.

WHY should she feel guilty about going out with Marcus? Had Jane felt guilty about going out with Kristina Frye, or Lorelei or Krystal. What about Erica Flynn? Had he felt guilty about her? Perhaps he did feel guilt about Kristina, Teresa knew he did; and the others weren't proper dates, just killers he was trying to trap. Only Erica Flynn had escaped. Teresa found herself smiling for a moment as she wondered where that lady was now and then the tears flowed faster and silently as she remembered the video of Jane describing his ideal woman; Angela of course or was it?.

WHY on earth did she have sex with Marcus after the first date? She was still hyped up after the con, he had flattered her. Damn it he had asked her on a date, in front of everyone. She had hesitated but then…

WHY shouldn't she? It was only for pancakes after all … but then it had changed.

WHY had he kissed her in his car when they finished eating and left the diner, not just a kiss on the cheek but full blown tonsil hockey? It had been many years since she had made out in a car and she wasn't going to start again now.

WHY had she responded so readily? Was there something in those pancakes? Was she just hyped up after the excitement of the con? The embarrassment and confusion of waking up in Marcus's bed and realising she wasn't going to have time to get her car from the office and go home to change before meeting the team at the new case. She'd rushed away from Marcus, called a cab and it had waited outside her house while she quickly showered and changed.

WHY didn't Jane call her out on it? He was waiting on the corner for her and she knew he had realised her lie. "Car wouldn't start." He would have seen her car in the parking bay back at headquarters that morning. Must have been one of the oldest lies in the book but he said nothing, just asked her how had the date been. She didn't even look at him. She had to admit Marcus was persistent; date after date, several times a week, always followed by sex at his house. She was having fun or was she? The attention and flattery as a woman was a welcome change from that of being just a good agent; the sex was good, not brilliant, no fireworks, but good.; comforting, comfortable. Marcus was an attentive lover.

WHY didn't she ask him to slow down, take things more carefully, and get to know each other better, not just physically?

WHY was he moving so fast as though there would be no tomorrow; trying to push her into a deep relationship so quickly? He told her he thought it was the real thing, and he knew when it was the real thing.

WHY didn't Jane try and stop her?

WHY the hell didn't she just say STOP?

Then the bombshell and not just that Marcus was moving to DC accepting a promotion; a promotion earned on the back of Jane's scam. The high-ups had been impressed by the result. Marcus's fame had spread but …

WHY had he asked her to go with him, when they hardly knew each other, really? Then hinting that if she said no he wouldn't go. She could deal with him going to DC. They could call and SKYPE each other, meet up for weekends; she could have coped with that and she tried to tell him that he should take the opportunity, seize it with both hands and in her heart she thought perhaps he would meet someone in DC and the pressure would be off her. That would be it; a bit of fun and nothing more.

WHY did men feel they had to manipulate her into making decisions that would affect her life, her job? First Jane, now Marcus, except Jane wasn't pushing her now. He seemed happy to leave her with Marcus. She had thought perhaps he might be jealous, just a little bit at all the attention she was getting. Perhaps he could have invited her out one evening after work. Come to think of it Cho and Fischer didn't ask her to join them anymore and when Rigsby and Cho had asked her to join them for a drink, when they said Jane was going she remembered saying; "Count me out." She hadn't meant it like that but now…

WHY had she said that? It wasn't as if she was busy, or had a date. Even if she'd gone to see Grace for a girls' night… things would have turned out differently. Then Grace had been kidnapped and Rigsby had asked Jane for his help and Jane had willingly agreed concocting a dangerous plan that had saved Grace but nearly got himself and Rigsby killed. She remembered him helping Cho and Rigsby with personal dilemmas before at the CBI, even Hightower and LaRoche had trusted him with their deepest secrets. He'd helped her when she was accused of murder and had been framed by her psychiatrist. Finally he had come to trust her enough with his deepest, darkest secret but now they just didn't talk about anything.

WHY didn't she trust him anymore? She should have talked with Jane about Marcus from the start, told Jane straight away? After all he was her best friend, her partner…

WHY wasn't he trying to stop her, he only had to say the word and she would stay.

WHY was he being so nice about it all, instead of making sarcastic comments? His comments on Manet's Violets being a message to and about a secret love had seemed genuine and then he had told her she was beautiful. "Let your beauty show." He had introduced her at the men's club as "irreplaceable". Was he expressing his feelings for her?

WHY had she accused Jane of spoiling her date when he had genuinely discovered a crime, one with far reaching affects?

WHY didn't she believe him anymore?

WHY couldn't Marcus have just waited for her to make her decision? The shock when Abbott called her into his office to inform her that the office gossip said she was leaving for DC with Marcus. She hadn't told a soul; Marcus obviously had, and now the whole building probably knew, apart from one person. To be honest the one person who should have been the first to know. Now she was cornered, trapped. Abbott had made it quite clear she should talk to Jane. If she didn't she would lose credibility with Abbott and if she didn't go to DC she might still be in Abbott's team and have lost some of her professionalism that she had always prided herself on. In her mind she saw Cho's face looking at her with disgust, perhaps even ignoring her; Fischer looking down her nose at her and Jane with those puppy dog eyes, looking as though she had kicked him. Cho was her oldest friend in Austin apart from Jane, what would he think of her? What did he think of her? He would have heard the gossip and had to keep it to himself. He'd always supported her, welcomed her to Austin; but this might be the end of their friendship for him. Her mind was in turmoil; If she turned Marcus down now, he would be belittled in front of the whole Austin office, and she did like him enough not to do that to him, but it was her decision to make; her personal business and nobody else's. He had no right to tell other people before she decided. Perhaps he deserved to be belittled and after all if he was in DC he would be far enough away from the office. She wouldn't, she would have to put up with the snide comments about leading Marcus on. She could cope with that after all, the CBI had had a book on when her and Jane were going to become a couple in more than the friendship sense.

WHY couldn't Marcus have waited? In all the years she had known Jane he hadn't divulged any of her secrets and she had kept his… faithfully. She hadn't told Marcus anything about Jane and probable never would. After today she knew for sure that she couldn't trust him to keep a secret.

WHY had Jane stuttered when he replied to her questions? He never stuttered, always the glib, silver tongued conman, always so sure of his words and their affect.

WHY had he lied?

WHY had she lied?

WHY hadn't they told Marcus they hadn't finished their conversation? She closed her eyes and saw Jane's face; no mask in place, the shrug of his shoulders, the sideways shake of his head as she walked away; his tell when he was distressed, worried, nervous.

WHY didn't he turn and watch her go? He would have seen the pain in her face too.

WHY hadn't she been strong enough to have gone back to him, thrown her arms around his neck, burying her fingers in those blond curls and held him as tightly as she could? Sod Marcus!

WHY was she, Teresa Lisbon, bad ass lady cop, detective, FBI agent, such a coward when it came to admitting her feelings out loud for Jane?

WHY was Jane, the man who could read everyone, who could spot a criminal a mile away, who knew what everyone else was thinking, not see how much she loved him.

WHY didn't he love her? She had always thought he did, even just a little, although she'd tried to ignore it and he'd kept saying he wanted to protect her; that theirs was a platonic relationship. It wasn't. Lorelei had noticed it. When he was first brought back to the US and taken to Austin, he'd seemed so happy to see her in that interview room. She should have kissed him there and then and been done with it. When she brought him the socks and he rubbed them against his cheek, she was sure she saw more in his eyes that gratitude. Perhaps she was wrong.

WHY? OH WHY!