Plot: Dean's state of mind just after Sam left for Stanford. Pre-series.

Please keep in mind that I'm French, hence the English mistakes ;)

FOR I CAN ONLY BE NORMAL WITH YOU...

I reach in my pocket and pull out a piece of paper from your notepad. Your new address. I smile bitterly. Those simple words in turquoise ink, a room number, the name of a street, of a town... definitely cause a rift between us, for I've never had a permanent address since 1983, and I'll never get a new one... Those things belong to a life that will never be mine. The only home I know is the Impala.

For a short instant, I consider writing to you, telling you all the words that just got stuck in my throat this morning, when you walked out the door of yet another gloomy motel, a bag-pack containing your whole life on your shoulder... Words that we'd never needed before to understand each other, to know what the other one thought or felt. Words we truly lacked this morning.

But what's the point? I've never been good at writing anyway. I swapped pens for guns a long time ago. My spelling sucks and my handwriting's worse than a six year old, and... well... I have to leave you alone... Fly with your own wings... Keeping in touch would only make things worse. For you. For me. For us.

Us.

No matter the disagreements or the fights, it's always been us.

But us belongs to the past now. And it hurts. It hurts more than the werewolf that tore me to shreds last winter in Wyoming. So much more.

And I thought I was prepared. How wrong I was.

This was however meant to happen someday. Even Dad knew it. But he kept fighting, though he had lost the battle a long time ago. Just didn't want to admit it. That's why he left before dawn this morning, pretending to hunt some monster somewhere. Rather that than face defeat. It's not the first time he uses his job as an excuse for running away from his own fights.

It was selfish to think we could keep you to ourselves. You've never wanted to belong to this family anyway. I just wished "someday" would only come in a distant future. In another life maybe.

Part of me wanted to shout, to pound my fists on your chest and call you all names. To blame you for abandoning me. For making choices I'll never be able to make.

Another part of me was resigned. Knowing that there was nothing I could do or say to make you change your mind and stay. Knowing that if I really loved you, I had to turn the page and let you go.

A new life. An address. No fake identities. Friends for more than a couple of days. A girlfriend maybe. And a chance to get a real job later. Found a family. Your family...

What kind of brother I would have been if I had ruined that chance?

So when I saw you zip up your bag this morning, zip up all the memories of the nomad life you've never wanted, I just nodded silently.

You looked into my eyes, probably hoping to see some sign of approval and understanding, or even maybe some sign of anger and disappointment that would have made you leave with no regret, but they were empty. Just like life without you. Just like I feel right now.

You left this morning.

You left this morning but it feels like an eternity.

And I already miss you, Sammy. God, I miss you so much!

For I can only be normal with you...

Thanks for reading!

Published on August.7 2011