Night of Divinity

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

For the first time ever, two 11-minute episodes of Thank You, Heavenly. And both tonight tackle religion in two interesting ways. When a disillusioned RK takes Sparky and Buster with him to church, they become huge fans of it and even make a religious conversion. RK decides to get revenge for their popularity. In another one, Anja's little sister gives Jaylynn a big wake-up call.

1. Night of Divinity Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 3

EPISODE 6 (two 11-minute segments together)

Airdate: November 2, 2014

Title: Night of Divinity (RK the Anarchist/Young, Stupid, and Pseudo-Religious)

Segway Segment: Good News with Alasdair Wilkins

Satire/Social Commentary: Religion, disingenuous use of it to a person's advantage

Special Guest Stars: Gabrielle Union as Mrs. Rosenblum, Kira Kosarin as Lynne

"RK the Anarchist"

Written by Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, animated by Jason Shipley, storyboarded by Dr. Nihilistic, directed by Jay Lender

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky, Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn are bored and watching TV)

BUSTER: Can I say something for a minute?

WADE: What are you talking about, Buster?

BUSTER: We do the same predictable BS every time and nothing changes. It's just us being lazy and watching stupid TV.

SPARKY: I thought you were in love with TV!

BUSTER: I am, but everybody knows that the whole point of relationships is to escape it for a while so you care about it later. You know what? I'm going to do something totally out of the ordinary. Something on the edge and original.

JAYLYNN: Like trying to spell your own name?

BUSTER: It was just one time and it was at a softball game two months ago! You HAVE to let me live that down!

SPARKY: What exactly are you going to do?

BUSTER: I don't know. It's a nice day. Maybe I'll go exercise.

WADE: You? Exercise? Buster, the only running you ever do is gym class and your weekly Dunkin' Donuts dive.

BUSTER: Well, not today. From now on, Buster Newman is exercise every day. I'll be at the pinnacle of health...starting NOW!

(Buster immediately runs out of the house, while the others are bored)

JAYLYNN: How long do you give him?

SPARKY: About 22 minutes.

WADE: I'd say 11.

FIVE MINUTES LATER

(Buster is exhausted, sweaty, and on the floor, burned out from exhaustion; everyone is still bored)

BUSTER: I couldn't do it. I don't have what it takes.

SPARKY: It's OK, Buster. It's OK.

BUSTER: No, it's not, I'm disgusting and gross and out of shape!

SPARKY: I'm out of shape, too, Buster, we're only human.

(RK walks in dressed in his Sunday best)

RK: Oh, cool, when are you guys NOT here? What the...is Buster OK?! Did he have that nightmare about making out with Anja again?

JAYLYNN: WHAT?!

BUSTER: No, I tried running and I failed. I'm just trying to find something interesting to do to pass the time.

WADE: Well, in the meantime, use this. (Wade takes out a blue patch and puts it on Buster's forehead)

BUSTER: Oh my Dawkins, please don't try and use me as a test monkey for AIDS or something. (Buster becomes a block of ice, and the block cracks immediately) What was that? I feel so much better now.

WADE: It's the You Gots to Chill Patch I invented. Helps remove after-exercise odors and restores the energy you lose from failures such as this.

BUSTER: Well, thank you, Wade. RK, why are you upset? And why do you look like a cross between a cabin boy and Bart Simpson?

RK: Hardee har har, really funny. I just came back from church and it was a nightmare. A nuthouse full of idiots worshipping Jesus. Who wants to sit there and waste their lives like that?

WADE: Apparently, you do, considering the fact that you're Christian.

RK: So? I don't worship Jesus all the time. We have a special relationship. Whenever it's Sunday, or any other day of the week, we stay away from each other. And he bails me out whenever I need him, like the time I accidentally burned Jaylynn's cap and got this scar on my arm.

JAYLYNN: Don't (bleep) with my stuff.

RK: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, YOU PSYCHO!

WADE: RK, it sounds like you have a very unhealthy relationship with your own religion. I think maybe, you should be more appreciative of Christianity. After all, it has a plethora of fine cultural values.

RK: Oh yeah? Then how come you don't believe in it?

WADE: That's unrelated, but I really think you should show more gratitude towards being Christian. You never want to think about what you could have done.

RK: Or I could avoid this problem now and come up with something that works out a lot better for me. Sparky, Buster, care to join me for church next week?

SPARKY: Us? RK, I don't think that's a good idea.

BUSTER: Yeah, unless that fight two years ago meant nothing to you, I don't believe in God.

RK: Guys, guys, guys, church is the home of the people. You don't have to feel unwelcome because of what you might believe in. All you need is positivity, faith, and a can-do attitude.

BUSTER: That's the problem, I don't believe in anything.

RK: They have snacks.

BUSTER: Count me in.

SPARKY: I guess you can count me in too.

JAYLYNN: How come you didn't invite us to church?

RK: Because Wade is a Five-Percenter and your life is doing just fine as a Buddhist or an animist or...whatever it is that you...are. Wait a minute, what are you anyway?

JAYLYNN: I honestly don't know.

RK: See, that's the problem, you can't have uncertainty in God's house.

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

ONE WEEK LATER

(Sparky is dressed like he's preparing for a job interview)

SPARKY: Crap, thanks to Buster, we're going to be late to church. Lord help me, I'm becoming my father.

BITCH CLOCK: I don't get it. Why are you and Buster, an atheist, going to church?

SPARKY: We want to help RK get through it this week. I don't know, lately, he's been pretty upset about going there.

BITCH CLOCK: Aw, you're too kind. I would have smacked that kid sideways and told him to get over himself and sent him on his way.

SPARKY: You know, you never really liked RK.

BITCH CLOCK: He's annoying, and he has that stupid Miz haircut.

(Buster walks in dressed in a red Adidas tracksuit and black Adidas Samoas)

SPARKY: Buster, what the hell? We have to get to mass!

BUSTER: Mass? What are you talking about? From now on, Buster Newman is exercise every day. I'll be at the pinnacle of health starting now.

SPARKY: Buster, if you were really serious about exercising, you would've started a week ago. Face it, you just don't want to go to church.

BUSTER: I know, you caught me. I love RK, but I really don't feel comfortable going there. What's sitting in a room with a bunch of Catholics and Christians going to do for a person?

SPARKY: Convert them? (Sparky starts chuckling and Buster gives him an angry stare) OK, I can tell you're not amused. But Buster, sweetie, you and I are going to make it today. We're just doing RK a favor.

BUSTER: Alright, fine.

(Buster walks out and presumably heads back home to change)

BITCH CLOCK: I have the feeling that this is going to turn out terrible.

SPARKY: Eh, you're like that every other week.

BITCH CLOCK: Nope. This time, I'm damn sure you guys are going to do something stupid.

SCENE 3

Seattle Hearts of Worship

Interior Church Hall

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky, Buster, and RK are sitting next to each other in that order all the way in the back row.)

SPARKY: RK, why are we sitting all the way here? We won't get to see anything.

RK: Exactly. I can't afford to keep dropping money in the collections plate every week.

BUSTER: What? They force you to give up your money? What kind of BS religion is this?

RK: No, because church is non-profit, they have to find a way to raise funds any way they can. Collections plates, chocolate bar fundraising, the annual Jesus Jam and church feast.

(under his breath) BUSTER: Well, if you ask me, if Jesus was here, he would write this church such a letter.

SPARKY: The Jesus Jam and church feast?

RK: Oh, that's the biggest fundraiser we have here at Hearts of Worship. Once a year, we try to get as many people from Seattle as possible to come and donate. There are live musical performances that suck, and a big feast with food that's actually not half-bad. For some unknown reason, we tend to get a lot of black people at that event.

REV. REVEREND: I would like to share a personal story from...wait a minute, really? Alright. Looks like Raymond will share his own personal story about his conversion to Christianity. Raymond?

(clapping as Raymond, a young black man in a button down shirt covered by a green sweater steps up to the podium)

BUSTER: What's happening now?

RK: Oh, just some lame story about some loser who got his hand touched by God or something. Like we haven't already heard those before.

BUSTER: God touched him? Oh my God, he IS real!

(RK gives Buster a bored expression)

RAYMOND: You see, I'm like a lot of you. In high school, I thought I had it all. I was the captain of my football team, I was in the running for valedictorian and some colleges were even suggesting I go straight to the NFL. But that all goes away quickly if you're unfocused and forget the goals you've spent years trying to set for yourself.

RK: Kill me now.

RAYMOND: In all honesty, I was under a lot of pressure. My parents expected nothing but great things for me, and in turn, I became a prototype of what a member of society is supposed to be. I hated that, because for years, I have always been the kind of person that refuses to conform to what others want from me, and I was fed up with having to reach standards that I knew were getting more and more insurmountable with each passing day.

(The camera pans on Sparky and Buster, who are actually interested in Raymond, unlike RK)

RAYMOND: So I turned to drinking and I thought everything was cool. I hated alcohol, but for some reason it helped me with pressure. Pretty soon, I stopped attending class, missing football practice and robbed people in an attempt to get more money for alcohol. I ended up abusing it, and for the first time in my life, my father said he wanted nothing to do with me. My mother hated what I was becoming, but she wanted to stay by my side. The minute I told her things aren't going to change, she was done with me too. I could've gone to a Division I school and been a top five draft pick. I could've majored in technology or creative writing if I wanted a fallback job. I could've built the perfect life for myself, but I FAILED. I had to take one drink and nothing was the same after that. NOT A DAMN THING WAS THE SAME! TWO weeks after my mom left me, I was drunk after a party and I drove. My car...killed a pregnant lady. I ran two red lights and went 75 miles in a 45-mile zone. I was in prison for two years trying to get parole. During that time, I extended my hand to the Lord and told me my life will only get worse without a goal-oriented mindset.

BUSTER: (gasps) He TOLD him that!

RAYMOND: For the first time in a while, I started reading again. Actual books like The Autobiography of Malcolm X and The Prince. I told myself that I was in control of my life and I couldn't let one little mistake keep me from achieving everything I ever wanted. So I got parole after three years in the state penitentiary, gave up drinking, and started attending church for more answers. We live in a society that doesn't care about what you did in the past or the kind of person you are. There are people who's sole purpose in life is to tear you down. Don't let anybody try and take everything away from you. Remember that there's a way to deal with pressure, and you shouldn't deal with it by drinking. And whenever you're in need of an answer, just give God your hand because you and I both know he's always listening, and he'll show you the way like only he can. Thank you.

(A loud reaction is heard for Raymond as he cries and bows. Sparky and Buster repeatedly cheer for him.)

RK: I can't believe they're eating this up.

BUSTER: Sparky. I can't believe this. All this time, I couldn't believe God existed and he's here to help. I want the answers that only he has. This is the most amazing thing ever!

SPARKY: I know, right? It's pretty intoxicating, I have no idea why RK hates this so much.

(Sparky and Buster resume clapping and cheering)

REV. REVEREND: SIT DOWN BACK THERE!

(Sparky and Buster immediately sit down)

SCENE 4

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Wade finishes making his lanyard and gives it to Jaylynn)

WADE: See, and THAT'S how you make a lanyard.

JAYLYNN: Wade, I already know how to make a lanyard, I learned that at summer camp last year.

WADE: Hey, don't knock me, I'm just trying to enjoy my time with you.

JAYLYNN: Aww, I'm sorry I was mean.

WADE: It's alright. (in his head) Note to self: When a girl starts to get annoyed or pissed, make sure she knows she matters. Hmmm, I sound like a suave, sophisticated debonair in my brain. Wadio Suavito. Ewww, gross.

(Sparky, RK, and Buster all walk inside Wade's house)

WADE: Hey, it's the church boys. So how was it?

SPARKY: Unbelievable, man. Hearing all those wonderful stories about people who have put their lives in the hands of God really makes you wonder about yourself. I never felt like church mattered until today.

BUSTER: Sparky's right. It was the coolest thing ever. In fact, starting today, I don't want to ever go back to atheism.

JAYLYNN: Seriously? But you've been atheistic for years, why change?

BUSTER: I feel like believing that God is there and then finding out he isn't there is a lot more satisfying than not believing he's there and finding out he is.

WADE: Well, Buster, I'm glad you had your own spiritual awakening after everything that's happened.

BUSTER: Yeah. I finally realized what I can do with my life. Believing in something I still need time to understand.

RK: Eh, don't oversell it, Buster. Church wasn't really all THAT awesome.

SPARKY: No, it actually was. I want to go to Hearts of Worship next week too.

BUSTER: I second that.

RK: (in his head) Dammit, my plan went totally wrong. Sparky and Buster are supposed to hate church, not love it. I need to find a way to give 'em the slip next week. (aloud) You know, guys, you don't really need to come to church next week. KG's comedy club practice is only bi-weekly so you don't need to see if lightning strikes twice.

SPARKY: That's OK, we actually want to come to church this time. We can bring snacks and carpool.

BUSTER: Yeah!

(long pause; RK's face grows more disgusted)

RK: (Bleep)!

SCENE 5

Seattle Hearts of Worship

Interior Church Hall

Seattle, Washington

REV. REVEREND: It's important that the Lord and Savior speaks to you on a regular basis. You have to understand that he is always looking out for you and trying to protect you from all of life's hardships and down periods. People out there like to say that church is for losers. That we only try to put an image in your brain that our religion is 100% correct and you need to listen to us. But that has never been the case. You cannot accept everything a person tells you like it's the law. You need self-reliance, you need to believe in yourself when no one else does. We just want you to know that Jesus will be on your team when need be. Amen.

SPARKY, BUSTER, AND KG: AMEN!

RK: (in his head; RK is bored with his palm on his chin) END THIS!

REV. REVEREND: Now, before we started today, I believe a brave little boy came up to me and said he had his own little revelation to share with the crowd. Brother Buster up there in the back row, won't you please give us the privilege of hearing said revelation?

BUSTER: Gladly.

SPARKY: Go get 'em, Buster.

KG: Give 'em what for!

RK: Always brush your teeth after eating sweets to avoid cavities.

(Buster walks up to the podium and is given a higher chair by Rev. Reverend to stand on.)

BUSTER: Good morning, congregation!

CHURCHGOERS: GOOD MORNING, BROTHER BUSTER!

BUSTER: You know, for years, I thought I knew what the answer was. I thought life was just a big fat bag of Fritos. I-I'm using Fritos as a metaphor here, I hate them. My father was out of my life for a couple years and I was forced to live with the fact that I had a single parent. I was in love with this girl named Trina who was really just playing me the whole time and didn't even want to be my friend.

KG: It's weird, he never told me the full story.

SPARKY: Me neither.

RK: When does he plan on telling us about that?

BUSTER: Just recently, I met a girl named Diana who I thought was perfect. I had dreams of growing up with her and marrying her. Then she became selfish and malicious and inattentive so I had to dump her. That's all I'm going to say. Nothing has gone right lately. But when I came here, I felt like it was somewhere I needed to be. I haven't been this excited about anything in a while. I don't really know much about life, and I'm not much of a smartie, but I refuse to turn someone away who wants to be there for me. So thanks to the Lord and Savior, my bag of Fritos is now a bag of Doritos. Thank you.

(Cheering for Buster as he salutes and steps off the podium. He also shakes Rev. Reverend's hand.)

RK: I remember when that was me.

(RK looks highly disappointed at Buster's positive reception)

SCENE 6

Seattle Hearts of Worship

Interior Church Hall

Seattle, Washington

(Everybody is filing out to get on with the rest of their day. Sparky and Buster are staying back, talking to Rev. Reverend about something that can't be heard. RK is once again pissed as he stares at them when KG walks up to him.)

KG: Man, Sparky and Buster are really getting into this whole church thing. You know they both gave $50 to be collections plate?

RK: $50? The most I ever gave was $10. No wonder I'm so grumpy. My friends are outshining me.

SPARKY: Hey guys. Guess what?

BUSTER: We just signed on to the annual church feast as creative consultants!

RK: What? But KG and I were selected to do the feast this year. We were the creative directors.

BUSTER: Well, we can all do it together. It'll be fun trying to help the church turn a profit. This whole thing sure beats what I usually do on Sunday morning.

CUTAWAY GAG

("Old Time Rock and Roll" by Bob Seger playing in the background)

Buster re-enacts the famous scene from Risky Business where Tom Cruise's character dances in his underwear. He even has a pink button down shirt. However, when he does a spin, he loses his footing and falls on the coffee table.

BUSTER: Owie!

END OF CUTAWAY

SCENE 7

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Wade is singing the "We're on Schedule" song from Martha Speaks while polishing his coffee table when RK walks in, annoyed.)

WADE: Well, howdy doo to you too.

RK: I'm outraged! You hear me? OUTRAGED!

(The line "OUTRAGE!" from "A Day of Outrage, Operation Snatchback" by X Clan plays in the background, which briefly confuses RK and Wade)

WADE: OK, I can see you're pretty incensed about...what? Something Anna did? Something Jaylynn did, something Ashley did? Pretty much everything a girl ever does to you?

RK: Sparky and Buster are getting way too involved in my church. I just wanted them to come so they could make it more fun, but they're just like everyone else falling into that stupid trap.

WADE: RK, do you care about Christianity at all?

RK: Of course I do. I've cared ever since my parents took me to Hearts of Worship when I was a little boy. I love Jesus, and Jesus loves me.

WADE: But why do you always spew such venomous statements against church? Religion and the church go hand in hand. I mean, it's not like the 17th century where the church be-all end-all and science was constantly shafted, but I digress. RK, this is exactly what I was talking about before. You're ungrateful when it comes to your religion and now you're projecting that hatred onto Sparky and Buster when they don't deserve it. Don't you think that there's some sense of irony in all this?

RK: I don't know. If it was ironic, it would be funny. And I have a knack for figuring out irony and satire.

WADE: Sparky, a Unitarian who hardly ever attends church or understands it, and Buster, who just before this was an atheist, show more enthusiasm when going to church and respect Christianity more than you do right now.

RK: So, the lesson is I'm not showing enough pride in something I care about.

WADE: Exactly.

RK: So all I need to do is get back in there and prove that I still respect Christianity.

WADE: Exactly.

RK: So I need to be a better Christian than Sparky and Buster!

WADE: What?

RK: The Jesus Jam and church feast is coming up! If I can prove to be a better creative director than Sparky and Buster, no one will care about them anymore and I'll once again be top dog!

WADE: (clears throat) Nooooooo, that is NOT what I meant. You cannot do that. You cannot hear something a person says and misinterpret it on purpose for your benefit. RK, you and I both know you're many things. Your mind wanders, you often do things out of impulse, you normally have no ability to recognize when you're wrong until it hits you in your face. So, RK, I need you to listen to me this time.

RK: OK.

WADE: I need to listen to Wade this time. Say it.

RK: I need to listen to Wade this time.

WADE: Good. Now say I WILL get Eddie's money in a month.

RK: I'll get Eddie's money in a month.

WADE: No, no contractions. Say I WILL. And put emphasis on will.

RK: I WILL get Eddie's money in a month. Wait, is that supposed to help?

WADE: No, I just wanted to get you to say that.

(RK angrily stares at Wade)

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

(RK gets into bed with a bored expression. KG is having a phone conversation in the background.)

KG: Yeah, I know they would, but that's not the point. Rodney, Paramore would never cover a Jay Z song, that's ridiculous. Maybe "99 Problems," but I don't see anything else. They wouldn't cover "Izzo (H.O.V.A.)," that's stupid. You're a stupid boy. Just because "Ain't It Fun" was funky, doesn't mean everything is going to have funk in it. That was an experimental Paramore song, they're testing the waters. Dude, forget it, Paramore will never cover Jay Z. You're pissing me off, man, you're making me sick. You're giving me a terminal illness talking to you, I'm going to die. I'm going to die a very painful death all because of you, jackass.

RK: Wait, what the hell did Wade tell me to do?

SCENE 9

Seattle Hearts of Worship

Exterior Church Hall

Seattle, Washington

("Izzo (H.O.V.A.)" by Jay-Z playing in the background)

It's time for the Jesus Jam and church feast. Sparky, Buster, RK, and KG are all credited as creative directors. The church looks more like fairgrounds, with posters and LCD monitors all over promoting the event. The place is packed as right behind the church, there are live musical performances like RK said. Inside, several people have congregated to donate money. The collections plate has now become a collections container. RK is by himself, greeting the guests at the front door.

RK: Welcome to the Jesus Jam, enjoy your day. Hello, welcome to the Jesus Jam, enjoy your day. Yes, it's a delicious day for sun, isn't it, fellow churchgoer?

REV. REVEREND: Ryan, I am thoroughly impressed with your work on the church feast. You've really earned your spot as creative director.

RK: Why, thank you, Rev. Reverend. I honestly believe that...

REV. REVEREND: Hey, have you been taking pointers from your friends? They are so devoted to this and they haven't even been around church their whole life. Glad to see you've learned from the best of them.

RK: The best of them? But I've been...

REV. REVEREND: Look at that, Sparky and Buster are about to do the toast for the church feast.

RK: The toast? But you selected me to do it. I've been looking forward to this for the past year.

REV. REVEREND: Yeah, but they're new. Besides, you can always have your shot next year. Or not, depends on how I feel about you at the time.

(Rev. Reverend walks back inside and KG slaps RK in the back of the head)

RK: Ow!

KG: Come on, bro, it's time to grub!

(KG runs inside and RK growls)

RK: That's it! Sparky and Buster are just perfect little angels, aren't they? Well, if they stole the church proceeds, things wouldn't be so peachy, would they? They would be condemned from Hearts of Worship for life! (RK laughs maniacally, then starts to cough) Dammit, I need a lozenge.

SCENE 10

Seattle Hearts of Worship

Interior Church Hall

Seattle, Washington

(There is a large table where several Hearts of Worship members are sitting down, ready to eat. The spread is fantastic, with everything from mashed potatoes to collard greens to hamburgers to roast beef. RK stands on the rafters of the church where no one can see him and looks down on the collections container. He puts on a pink-and-black Rey Mysterio mask and pushes the container with ease through the back door and into the parking lot, where he places it right near Sparky's car. He then takes the money and stuffs it in Sparky's trunk, and kicks the container away so it will look like the set-up was more planned out. RK then takes off the mask and runs back inside.)

BUSTER: I hope everybody's enjoying the beverages. I selected them myself.

SPARKY: No, you didn't.

BUSTER: OK, well, I was responsible for 85% of the selections. I thought it would go unnoticed!

KG: Hey, where's the Rev? Probably kissing himself in the boiler room again.

REV. REVEREND: GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

KG: OK, so I guess he actually attempted to get a woman to kiss him.

REV. REVEREND: THE COLLECTIONS CONTAINER IS GONE! I LEFT IT ON THE THING AND IT'S GONE! GONE!

RANDOM MAN: Why are you shouting? We're in the same room.

REV. REVEREND: I want to know who did it and I want to know NOW.

SPARKY: It couldn't have been any of us, Reverend. Who else would be so quiet and fast enough that no one would see them take the money?

(standing next to Rev. Reverend) RK: Don't worry, Revvy Rev. I'm sure the money will "turn up."

REV. REVEREND: What...why are you saying it like that?

RK: I don't know, it's just a bit.

REV. REVEREND: OK. Emergency car search, everybody!

(Everybody groans)

RANDOM MAN: (Bleep) you, I want my chicken.

REV. REVEREND: Will someone please get that guy out of here?

(In the parking lot, every car is being checked for the collections.)

KG: Well, it's not in our car.

RK: Of course not because we know we didn't take it. The hell is wrong with you?

KG: I mean, someone could have framed us. You never know. Christianity is the one religion in the world where anything goes and brothers turn on brothers.

RK: Are you sure about that?

KG: No, I'm just going by what I already know and television.

REV. REVEREND: Lord, save us, we found the culprits! Our newest recruits.

BUSTER: How did that get in your car? (gasps) Sparky, you son of a bitch, this was your plan the whole time to take the money and make me take the blame?

SPARKY: If that was the case, don't you think I would've put the money in YOUR car?!

BUSTER: You only say that to throw me off, you conniving box of Chips Ahoy.

SPARKY: I didn't frame anybody and I didn't take the money! Buster didn't take the money! It's an inside job, I tell ya! THEY TOOK US BLIND AND PLAYED US FOR SUCKERS! DAMN YOU ALL! (Sparky starts banging his fist on the ground) DAMN YOU ALL TO THE DEEPEST CORNERS OF HE-HELL! (Sparky starts fake crying, as well as Buster)

BUSTER: I knew God always hated meeeeeeeee!

(RK's facial expression becomes less of satisfaction and more of regret)

SCENE 11

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK and KG walk in late at night)

KG: I'm so glad they caught those thieving bastards. Stealing from church? What's next, you're going to make a rape joke while reading from the New Testament? No (bleep) class and no (bleep) respect from a self-respecting, wholesome Christian like me, shitface.

RK: KG, it was Sparky and Buster who got fingered, my friends! OUR friends!

KG: I know that, but that was pretty low. And to think it came from those two. I always thought it would be you who did something like that or Jaylynn, bless her heart. Or...who else do you hang out with? Gilcania?

RK: No, dude, I hate Gilcy, remember?

KG: Well, doesn't Jaylynn have her own group that you're friends with?

RK: I'm only friends with Ashley in that group.

KG: Oh, well, your circle is pretty limited the way I see it. I'm going to bed. That food really took it out of me. I'm going to be at the pinnacle of health starting tomorrow. Night, bro.

RK: Night. (RK moans in deep regret over what he did)

SCENE 12

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

RK: I can't believe I did that. I got two of my closest friends in serious trouble all because I wanted the attention at stupid church. Lesson learned: Religion isn't worth it, it never has been worth it, and never will be worth it. At least when I sleep, I won't have to think about it.

JESUS CHRIST: Wait a minute, RK. You're not going to sleep having learned THAT lesson, if you can even call it a lesson.

RK: Is that just a really loud television coming from Mrs. Halberstadt's house that somehow knows my name AND what I just said?

JESUS CHRIST: No, RK, it's Jesus Christ in the flesh.

(RK turns around and screams at the sight of Jesus)

RK: Oh my God, it's Jesus Christ. I'll never get a chance to say that again.

JESUS CHRIST: Hello RK. I see you've been pretty busy lately.

RK: Wait, hang on a second. Are you the real Jesus Christ?

JESUS CHRIST: Of course not. I'm just an imaginary visual manifestation of your guilty conscience conceived by recent events.

RK: So, in less Korean words, I'm going psycho, aren't I?

JESUS CHRIST: No, definitely not. But your mind won't let you sleep until you realize the real issue.

RK: What real issue? I framed Sparky and Buster and now I regret it and it's all Christianity's fault.

JESUS CHRIST: RK, not only did you stab your friends in the back, you have been highly ungrateful of your religion lately. You've become so indifferent and disrespectful of it, even though you used to treat it with class.

RK: Maybe I've just been growing out of religion. People grow out of a lot of things, dude. Pants, Nick Jr., John Cena.

JESUS CHRIST: That's not the case. When Sparky and Buster came to church and started getting all the attention, you got upset. Why?

RK: Because they stole my thunder.

JESUS CHRIST: And why was that important to you?

RK: It's not, I just...I guess because even though I make it seem like I hate being Christian, I really don't. I love it. I just have a really over-the-top way of dealing with my problems sometimes. And when Sparky and Buster started to work harder than me, I got jealous because it made me feel like all my years of devotion to Christianity have been a lie.

JESUS CHRIST: God doesn't love people for what they do, RK. God loves people for their intentions behind what they do and how they act in their daily lives. And he's not happy with you right now.

RK: Because I haven't been treating my religion with respect, have I?

JESUS CHRIST: No sir. If you really love Christianity as much as you say you do, you'll do the right thing. And what's the right thing?

RK: Send God a fruit basket?

JESUS CHRIST: RK...

RK: (sighs) I have to come clean to the Reverend about framing Sparky and Buster. And I have to start showing appreciation for Christianity again.

JESUS CHRIST: Exactly.

RK: Thank you Jesus.

JESUS CHRIST: You're welcome RK.

(Jesus then vanishes into thin air)

SCENE 13

The Reverend Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

REV. REVEREND: So you stole the money and framed your friends for it? That's a very serious offense, Ryan.

RK: I know, but if you have to kick someone out of Hearts of Worship, please don't do it to Sparky and Buster. They love going to church. A lot more than me these days. See, I only did it because I was jealous of them getting all the attention and respect from you, and they had all the enthusiasm for Christianity that somewhere along the line, I lost. So please, don't punish them just because of my own selfishness.

REV. REVEREND: You know what, Ryan? I'm not kicking anyone out of Hearts of Worship.

RK: You're not?!

REV. REVEREND: Sparky and Buster have been the most refreshing thing to happen to our chapter in months, and you? You learned your lesson and I wouldn't feel right punishing you for it.

RK: Oh, thank you so much, Reverend! I promise you won't regret this!

REV. REVEREND: I hope so. Because I think I know someone who could help me attend to the church after-school as volunteer work.

(RK looks around, then chuckles)

RK: Fifth Harmony?

SCENE 14

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Playground

Seattle, Washington

RK is playing marbles with himself when Sparky and Buster enter the scene.

SPARKY AND BUSTER: Hey.

RK: Hey. Look, guys, I have something to say.

SPARKY: Don't worry, RK. We know everything.

RK: You do? How?

BUSTER: We went to Hearts of Worship to clear our names when Rev. Reverend told us what you told him.

SPARKY: At first we were pissed, but we understand why you did it and we forgive you.

RK: I'm sorry for getting you guys into all this trouble. I don't know why I get so worked up sometimes. I mean, if I had never invited you to church, none of this would've happened.

BUSTER: Are you kidding? Church is the best. You know, ever since the whole Diana thing, my mind has been in another place. Then I go to Hearts of Worship and now I feel like I really have something to believe in. I kinda feel bad for just dismissing Catholics before.

SPARKY: Yeah, and even though I'm still Unitarian, I'm actually surprised at how fun church is. Makes me feel like the world isn't everything I think it is.

RK: Hey, you're right. If I hadn't invited you guys to church, Buster wouldn't have been cheered up and I would've never learned my lesson. Aw, you guys are the best!

(Sparky, Buster, and RK all group hug)

BUSTER: You know, I wonder what we're going to do next Sunday.

RK: I don't know, but all I know is I'm going to want to remember it for a long time.

(A camera flash is heard and the next thing you see is a picture of Sparky, Buster, and RK smiling together with the label "CHURCH BUDDIES" underneath. It's been framed and RK hangs it on his living room wall with pride.)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

("Cult of Personality" by Living Colour playing in the background)

VOICEOVER: It's now time for your favorite news show that at least tries to bring you some amount of actual news...Good News with your host, Alasdair Wilkins. Now here's your host of Good News, the incomparable Alasdair Wilkins!

(Alasdair Wilkins comes out wearing a Chris Jericho-style light-up jacket)

ALASDAIR WILKINS: Recently, in light of Jaden Smith's desire to cut off his own penis, the African-American community is fully behind referring to him as a girl for the rest of his life. Some of the disgustingly hilarious names include Jaden Bono, Transmithers, and the Unbelievably African-American Evil No-Dick Boy. When asked if he believed Kylie Jenner would cut her own clitoris in support of Smith, Tyga proceeded to bring up his unrelated affiliation with Chris Brown from two years ago. Officials are looking for an escaped convict known for the murder and sexual assault of six teenage girls. His race was revealed to be white and because of his dashing good looks, authorities state that he only needs six months before being eligible for parole. Modeling agencies are already looking for his contacts so he can model the new bad boy line for various stores around the country. Over 500,000 pounds of meth were found in the basement of Jack Christiansen. However, because he wasn't pushing marijuana, the police let it slide and even allowed Christiansen to sell meth directly to students as long as it's concealed. This has been another edition of Good News. Step your dick up, playas.

("Cult of Personality" plays out this week's edition)

"Young, Stupid, and Pseudo-Religious"

Written by Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, animated by Jake Bitterman, storyboarded by Craig Hodgkins, directed by Harold Wainwright

SCENE 1

Northgate Community Center

Interior Poetry Class

Seattle, Washington

(This particular class has every student attend, which is a rarity. Anja is writing her poem while Jaylynn has already completed hers and is now drawing a picture of her and Anja kissing in a rose garden. When Anja looks over, all that can be seen is the poem due to Jaylynn's quick thinking. Asil briefly stares up in the air in confusion.)

ANJA: Hey, I wanted to tell you something.

JAYLYNN: What, you finally had that chicken sandwich I told you about?

ANJA: Jaylynn, I eat halal and there's a lot of chicken around here that isn't certified.

JAYLYNN: So, what you're saying is you're afraid of eating chicken?

(Anja sighs)

ANJA: Look, this week, my younger sister Lynne is coming over and I want you to meet her. In fact, I want the guys to meet her too.

JAYLYNN: You want TSE to meet your little sister? Why? I thought this was more of a one-person job.

ANJA: Yeah, but Lynne will be more social around more people. Besides, I like the guys so just tell them to come to my place on Saturday.

JAYLYNN: OK. Is there anything I'm supposed to know about this Lynne chick?

ANJA: Well, she can be pretty judgmental sometimes and she is very protective of me so you and the guys can't do anything that will get you into trouble.

JAYLYNN: How will you know if what you're doing will get you in trouble?

ANJA: You'll be smart enough to know. But I really want Lynne to like you guys, especially you.

(Jaylynn cracks a smile)

MRS. ROSENBLUM: Well, it looks like I have some chatters over there. Ladies, would either of you like to share your poem?

ANJA: Mine isn't done yet, Mrs. Rosenblum.

MRS. ROSENBLUM: OK, well, Jaylynn, how about you? Would you like to share?

JAYLYNN: OK, mime is a little more traditional than most of my poems. It's called "Who Am I." "Who am I, gazing at myself with hate for my reflection?/I don't understand what I'm doing, it feels like I have an infection/Everyone thinks I'm sick, but only one person sees past that/They can't define who I am either, but they're neither a snake or a rat/I don't pay attention, I buy into my own hype/I don't let opinions get to me, because a lot of them come from people with the pipe/If I respected you, maybe I would actually care/But I hardly ever do, so at this moment, you're just my imagination standing there."

(applause for Jaylynn's poem)

MRS. ROSENBLUM: Excellent work, Jaylynn. It must have been very personal.

JAYLYNN: It was, actually.

ANJA: Way to go, Jay!

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky is listening to music and RK is watching TV on the couch. On the recliner, Wade is reading a book and it looks like Buster is doing homework on the floor. He throws his pencil across the room.)

BUSTER: GAH, I DON'T GET IT!

(singing "Got Dynamite" by Demi Lovato) SPARKY: I can't wait for you to understand if you just don't get it!

(RK confusingly stares at Sparky)

WADE: Homework giving you trouble, buddy?

BUSTER: No, it's not homework. It's Busterwork.

RK: Busterwork? What the hell is that?

BUSTER: I'm challenging myself in an attempt to be smarter-er and stuff. I don't want to end up like you sniffing cocaine at age 16.

RK: Buster, we're the same age and I don't smoke crack.

BUSTER: Now I KNOW my brain is declining. RK is playing the freaking straight man!

WADE: Well, Buster, I think you're showing a great sense of nobility trying to stimulate your brain like this. Is there any particular modicum of information you're in the know about?

BUSTER: If that means explain certain things to me, then yes. I never really understood Daylight Savings Time. How does that crap work out?

WADE: Well, on the first Sunday in November, when DST ends, we set our clocks backwards one hour. We get an extra hour of sleep, but the Sun goes down an hour faster. This is due to the extra hour and the Sun rising earlier than it would if it was actual Daylight Savings Time. When it IS DST, we have to set our clocks one hour forward because the Sun rises an hour later, and it also goes down later. You understand?

BUSTER: Sure do. But could you explain that part again where you started talking?

(Wade gives Buster a bored look and Jaylynn walks in)

JAYLYNN: I need all of you guys to look fancy on Saturday. We're going out.

RK: Hey, since when did Jaylynn get to make the group decisions? I don't remember that ever being established and I don't like it.

JAYLYNN: Well, get used to it. Being a part of the Masters of the Universe has taught me valuable leadership skills and the chance to develop a stronger...

(singing "Blame It on the Rain" by Milli Vanilli) SPARKY: BLAME IT ON THE RAIN, YEAH-YEAHHHHH!

JAYLYNN: Can someone get my dear friend out of his trance?

WADE: I'm on it.

(Wade simply takes off Sparky's headphones)

SPARKY: Hey guys. What's new?

JAYLYNN: I want us all to go to Anja's house on Saturday to meet her little sister. Is that cool?

SPARKY: Sure, I don't have any plans this weekend.

JAYLYNN: Yes, Sparky, you're the best in the world!

RK: What, you're trying to impress Anja by having us all go to see your sister?

JAYLYNN: No, it was her idea. Apparently, her sister's cooler around more people.

RK: I don't know, Jaylynn. I think I have other plans on Saturday.

JAYLYNN: Really? Doing what?

RK: Thinking of other places I'd rather be on my couch. And also trying to figure out what the hell the video for "That Girl Should Be Me" was about.

JAYLYNN: RK, I need you to do this for me.

BUSTER: Yeah, RK, look at that face, how can you say no to that face?

(Jaylynn starts doing a puppy dog pout)

RK: I don't get it, what am I staring at?

JAYLYNN: RK!

RK: Jaylynn, I don't like Anja. That hasn't been brought up a whole lot, but I don't like Anja. So if I don't like her, why in the world would I go see her sister? Who knows? She might be even worse.

(RK has an Arthur-style dream sequence where he imagines being taped to a chair in Anja's living room. Anja and someone else covered in a Daft-Punk style face mask come in, with maniacal expressions. For some unknown reason, the lighting is red and there's smoke all around.)

ANJA: Are you enjoying the dinner party, Mr. Jennings?

RK: GET ME OUT OF HERE, YOU BITCH! I'M CALLING THE COPS ON YOU RIGHT NOW!

MASKED PERSON: No, you're not. Remember? We took away your phone and you're taped to that chair like a little piggy. You're just a big, fat pig with a cheap haircut.

RK: Hey, I take that to offense! I work very hard to maintain this haircut! And can I at least get some food?

ANJA: Alright, fine. You've earned yourself a nibble.

(Anja picks up a pair of blue shorts off the floor)

RK: What...what is that?

MASKED PERSON: Your lunch. You're going to EAT...OUR...SHORTS!

(Anja takes the pair of shorts and stuffs it down RK's mouth, who starts screaming in muffled agony. The dream sequence ends there, and everybody just looks at RK like he's insane.)

SPARKY: You watch too many pornos.

JAYLYNN: "You've earned yourself a nibble?" Anja doesn't even talk like that.

BUSTER: Yeah, and was that masked person with the deep voice supposed to be her sister?

RK: I'M THINKING OF THE WORST POSSIBLE SCENARIO! And I'm still not going.

JAYLYNN: RK, I really need you to do this for me, please.

RK: If I do it, will you not bring it up to me until the day before?

JAYLYNN: Yes.

RK: OK, you got a deal. But if this chick is anything like Anja, I'm going to pretend I'm choking and I need to give myself CPR outside because I'm just that awesome.

SCENE 3

The Saleh Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky, Buster, RK, and Wade are all dressed like they have an important business meeting. Jaylynn is nowhere to be found.)

BUSTER: Boy, I love what Anja has done with the place.

WADE: Buster, what are you talking about? Anja hasn't made any renovations since she moved here three years ago.

BUSTER: I know that. I was reading one of my ice breaker cards.

SPARKY: Ice breaker cards?

BUSTER: To help make our time with Anja's sister easier and to make me more brainy, I came up with more than 25 phrases we could use today. They work for any situation. Check 'em out!

(Buster hands RK a card)

RK: "You know, my little slugger just won MVP for his youth baseball league. Best in the state." Buster, none of us have kids.

BUSTER: Why do you have to play the straight man?

RK: Because it has to be me at some point!

(Anja opens the door)

ANJA: Come on in, guys, the house doesn't bite.

(The boys walk in Anja's house but don't see anyone else)

RK: Hey, where's your sister? Matter of fact, where's Jaylynn?

SPARKY: Eh, Jaylynn is always late to things. Even when she doesn't need to show up on time, she somehow finds a way.

JAYLYNN: Oh, really?

Jaylynn walks down the stairs with a short-sleeved red dress on wrapped in a bow.

RK: Wow, for the first time ever, Jaylynn, you actually look like a girl.

(Jaylynn angrily stares at RK)

LYNNE: Hey Anja, I'm getting tired of waiting for your friends. Are they coming or what?

ANJA: They're already here. You met Jaylynn, and here are my...acquaintance-type friends?

BUSTER: Yeah, it's complicated. (reading off one of his cards) "You know what else is complicated? Applying for law school but my older brother Jason did what he had to."

WADE: Those cards don't work for every situation.

BUSTER: Oh, that's just your opinion.

WADE: That's a fact!

SPARKY: Hey Lynne. We're Testicular Sound Express.

LYNNE: Testicular Sound Ex...

SPARKY: Yeah, it's a long story. This is my best friend Buster, RK, Wade, and my second best friend Jaylynn.

LYNNE: Yeah, we met. She's...different from most of Anja's friends. So are you guys from what I can see.

RK: Anja likes spreading herself around, you want to fight about it?

LYNNE: No, I was just pointing that out.

JAYLYNN: RK, don't embarrass me or Anja. This is important.

RK: Dude, I didn't even commit to being here. I would rather be in Fifth Harmony's studio during their recording sessions.

JAYLYNN: Seriously, what's your beef with them?

RK: I have no idea, something about them just turns me off.

ANJA: Well, I guess it's time to eat.

WADE: I bet the spread is delectable.

(imitating Wade) RK: I bet the spread is delectable, hur hur. That's what YOU sound like.

SCENE 4

The Saleh Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

(RK stares at his food like he's about to vomit)

SPARKY: RK, is everything OK?

RK: There's no meat.

SPARKY: Yeah, it's a halal meal, what did you expect?

RK: There's no meat, this cannot be life, I don't even know what this is, why is there...

(Sparky takes some of the food in RK's plate and shoves it in his mouth)

RK: Mmmm. That's segurisadan.

SPARKY: What?

JAYLYNN: OK, so basically, I had this weird dream about my very own pet dog, right? Because, apparently, there's some part of me that's always wanted a dog. Some part of my brain that just can't stop thinking about dogs. So I found out the dog was licked by another dog without his consent, which makes it dog rape. My dog got raped.

(RK starts cackling and everybody follows suit, except for Lynne)

(Jaylynn burps loudly, and everybody starts howling)

JAYLYNN: Pardon me!

ANJA: That was insane!

JAYLYNN: Hey, sometimes you just have to let it ride.

(Lynne puts her finger on her eyebrow and rubs it)

SPARKY: So, Lynne, where do you go to school?

LYNNE: Same as Anja's. My dad wanted us to be together because I was getting into too much trouble at my old school.

BUSTER: Oh, you were knocking punks out the box?

LYNNE: What? I don't know.

WADE: He means engaging in physical altercations.

BUSTER: Actually. (reading off one of his cards) "In my household, we strictly forbid roughhousing. The kids are in trouble since Timmy tried putting a frog in another student's desk."

RK: YOU DON'T HAVE A SON NAMED TIMMY!

BUSTER: Oh, so you're saying my cards are a lie?

RK: YES!

BUSTER: Well, HERE. (Buster starts throwing his cards in RK's face) Take your opinions and shove it down your ass!

SPARKY: Guys, calm down!

RK: You want to catch an eye jammy, homeboy?

BUSTER: Might as well. (Buster tackles RK over the table and the two start fighting. Sparky, Wade, and Anja try to stop it while Jaylynn cheers. Lynne notices that as well and shakes her head.)

SCENE 5

The Saleh Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

(Testicular Sound Express is on their way out.)

ANJA: Bye, thanks for coming, guys! Appreciate it! And I hope that arm gets better, RK!

RK: Thank you! AGH, BLOODY HELL, I ALMOST TWISTED IT AGAIN!

(Anja closes the door. Lynne is on the living room couch.)

ANJA: Well, that was pretty eventful, I think we can agree on that.

LYNNE: Yeah, that's a start. But wow, I didn't know your friends were so...odd.

ANJA: Well, it's kinda like Jaylynn is pretty much my best friend and the guys are my friends too, but not as much as me and Jaylynn.

LYNNE: Let me ask you something, just...throwing it out there. Do you think Jaylynn has a crush on you?

ANJA: What? No, that's ridiculous. Jaylynn doesn't think that way about me.

LYNNE: Maybe you just don't notice the way she constantly stares at you and smiles. Or her constant compliments. Or the fact that she went through all this trouble just for you. Because there is no way a girl like that likes to wear dresses, especially whatever it is she thought she was wearing.

ANJA: Jaylynn cares about me a lot because we're friends. She's around people that really care about each other every day.

LYNNE: We just saw those weird kids fighting!

ANJA: Yeah, but that's normal for them. Honestly, they just have a certain way of dealing with each other you can't understand.

LYNNE: I can't understand? Oh yeah, I'm sure I can't understand the fact that my sister is completely oblivious to the creepy crush her non-Muslim friend has on her.

(Anja walks further to Lynne's face)

ANJA: Lynne, you're my sister. So I need you to trust me when I say that Jaylynn has no feelings for me.

LYNNE: Sure, sis. I'll do that.

SCENE 6

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn is looking in the mirror of her living room wearing a top hat, scarf, and glasses with a green military jacket)

JAYLYNN: Hmmmm. I kinda look like a dork. But it feels like me, that's it!

(The doorbell rings. Jaylynn checks the peephole and sees that it's Lynne. She opens the door and lets her in.)

JAYLYNN: Hey Lynne. What do you need?

LYNNE: Um, nothing. I just wanted to talk to you about something.

JAYLYNN: Oh, that's good. I was actually wondering why we didn't talk much last night so in a way, you just boosted my self-esteem.

(Lynne has a blank stare.)

JAYLYNN: You like my new look? It's a little hipster but I think I can pull it off.

LYNNE: It's cute. (Lynne simulates gagging to the side, that Jaylynn is able to catch but decides not to acknowledge)

JAYLYNN: So, what do you want to talk about?

LYNNE: Jaylynn, Anja apparently cares a lot about you. I could understand that, but I just wish she could actually see what I see about you.

JAYLYNN: What? That sometimes, I forget not to swear around adults?

LYNNE: No, you idiot, you're attracted to my sister.

(long pause)

JAYLYNN:...You can't prove that.

LYNNE: It's so blatantly obvious, I'm surprised she hasn't seen it yet. Or maybe I'm just too observant.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, you probably are.

LYNNE: But let's be honest with ourselves by asking a hypothetical question: Do you at least, think about Anja in that way?

JAYLYNN: Yes, I do.

LYNNE: And why is that?

JAYLYNN: Because I'm in love with Anja.

(Lynne's eyes widen and she starts cackling like a hyena, not willing to believe what she just heard.)

LYNNE: Oh no. You're serious about this. You're actually serious. Wow, and all this time I thought I had problems.

(At this point, Jaylynn takes off her hat and glasses.)

JAYLYNN: Look. I don't appreciate you coming in here and judging me for something I can't change. I would take a bullet for Anja. That's not even me talking about my feelings, that's just me talking as a friend. When I see Anja, I don't know why, but I don't see myself with anybody else but her. I'm so passionate about that girl, you don't understand. And you can't understand because you're an asshole. But in the end, I will end up with Anja.

LYNNE: No, you can't.

JAYLYNN: Why? Because of you? Her parents? I'm not scared of you guys, if you can't accept me because I'm lesbian, that's your problem, not mine.

LYNNE: No, we can't accept a non-Muslim. In any way, shape, or form.

(not wanting to realize what Lynne just said) JAYLYNN: What?

LYNNE: Jaylynn, I was really hoping you would be smart enough to understand but it looks like somebody has burned you so many times you can't. In Muslim culture, we cannot date. And we especially cannot date non-Muslims. And for some unexplainable reason, we can't date black Muslims but that's another story.

JAYLYNN: You guys are forbidden from dating anybody?

LYNNE: Yes. It fun to use brain, no? We wait until a predetermined marriage to have any romance. And I know for a fact that not only does Anja have no feelings for you, but there is no freaking way our parents would ever allow you in their presence. I mean, you're a joke. A big, unfunny, unattractive joke. If you know what's best for you, you'll get rid of this little fairytale belief that you'll actually get to date my sister. And on another note, I have no idea what she sees in you as a friend anyway.

(Jaylynn shoves Lynne up against the wall)

JAYLYNN: I really hope there isn't any custom about slamming Muslim bitches to the ground because you're going to want one made after I'm done with you!

LYNNE: On another note, I would at least expect a person who likes my sister to understand something about Islam. No wait, I don't because it's happened one too many times and I'm sick and tired of dealing with people like you.

JAYLYNN: I understand Islam.

LYNNE: Really? What do you really know about Muslim culture?

JAYLYNN: Um...you guys hate pork?

(Lynne starts laughing again and opens the front door so she can leave)

LYNNE: You're pathetic.

(Lynne slams the door shut, and Jaylynn looks close to tears but tries her best to hold back)

SCENE 7

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

JAYLYNN: So there's really no chance that I can go out with Anja?

WADE: I'm afraid not. Islam is very strict about relationships. And for those that do occur, it has to be done in secret.

JAYLYNN: I can't believe this. All this time, I thought I actually had a chance but I never did. Everything is against me.

WADE: Jaylynn, you really shouldn't give up on love. Anja's just not the right person for you. You may think that now because of all the time you spend together, but believe me, after a couple weeks, you probably won't even remember it.

JAYLYNN: Easy for you to say. You have a smoking hot girlfriend.

WADE: There's way more to Adriana than just physical attractiveness even though that helps. She's the sweetest girl I know, she's innocent, she understands my problems and she's always trying to help me. Plus, I've been around the block so I know what it's like being attracted to someone and facing rejection.

JAYLYNN: Anja hasn't rejected me yet.

WADE: I know, but my point still stands. Jaylynn, you're an amazing person and some girl is going to see that sooner rather than later. It's just not Anja.

(long pause)

JAYLYNN: No.

WADE: No, what?

JAYLYNN: No, as in no, I can't accept this. I can't come this far just to give up now. I know Anja and I are meant to be together, even if everybody else thinks we're not.

WADE: Jaylynn, there is absolutely no way this is going to work out. I mean, what are you going to do, convert to Islam just so you can have a little shot?

JAYLYNN: Oh my God, that's an amazing idea! Why didn't I think of it sooner? If I'm Muslim, that's my ticket!

WADE: Yeah, and my ticket to a mental asylum is murdering several people and hoping I get vitiligo.

(long pause)

JAYLYNN: You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

WADE: YES!

JAYLYNN: Why are you shouting at me?

WADE: Because I haven't heard an idea this unfathomable since someone decided to put AwesomenessTV on Nickelodeon. Jaylynn, you CANNOT DO THIS. Even if you do convert, you're still a girl trying to date a straight girl who has no interest in you. This is only going to turn out bad.

JAYLYNN: Look, Wade, I know you're just looking out for me, but I have to do this. If Anja ends up liking me back, she won't do anything about it because I'm not a Muslim. I don't give a damn what the consequences are because I know I can do this.

WADE: Jaylynn, you...

JAYLYNN: Please. I NEED to go out with Anja. Trust me and have faith in me.

(short pause)

WADE: OK, Jaylynn. You're going to have to do this on your own then.

("I Can" by Nas playing in the background)

Jaylynn goes to the library and checks out three books on Islam, just so she knows everything she needs to before her conversion. She learns, first and foremost, that the word Islam means "submission" or "surrender." Surrendering to Allah's will. It is monotheistic and actually similar to two other large religions, Christianity and Judaism. They believe Muhammad was Allah's messenger, and Adam was the first prophet. Jaylynn starts to look at some of the Pillars of Islam and begins to second-guess herself. One such pillar is Sawm, a traditional fast done for the entire month of Ramadan. Jaylynn asks her Magic 8 Ball if she's crazy, and the Ball answers "Most Likely" so she throws it to the side. Jaylynn, late at night, continues to research the Muslim faith, but gets tired and ends up falling asleep on the couch.

SCENE 8

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn slowly opens her eyes and falls on the floor. She hears the door bell and looks through the peephole. She excitedly opens the door.)

(trying to look seductive) JAYLYNN: Hey Anja.

ANJA: Hey Jaylynn. You look like a wreck, is everything OK?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, everything's fine. Cool as Kool-Aid, ice cold, my breath will leave you frozen.

ANJA: What are all those books doing there?

JAYLYNN: Oh, you know, just some research.

ANJA: About what?

JAYLYNN: About the mating rituals of...South American beetles. Today's ritual, the Peruvian stickbug. Come on, Anja, dance with me! (Jaylynn starts doing a bizarre stomping around when Anja sees all the books about Islam. Jaylynn notices it.) Damn, I wasn't quick enough.

ANJA: Jaylynn, is there something you want to tell me?

JAYLYNN: (sighs) I wanted to learn more about your religion for you.

ANJA: Really? Why?

JAYLYNN: Because Lynne came here the other day and told me that unless I'm Muslim, I shouldn't be interested in you.

ANJA: Wait, hang on a minute. You're interested in me? Like, in a romantic way?

JAYLYNN: Yeah.

ANJA: So, you think I'm attractive and you want to kiss me?

JAYLYNN: Well, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what people who feel that way about someone want to do. Look, Anja, I know your religion prevents you from relationships, and you're probably not even interested in girls but I don't want to give up on dating you. I've just never been a quitter, in anything. And I know in my heart that you're the first girl I've ever been in love with, so no matter what anybody says, I honestly don't care. If you want to walk out the door right now and never come back, then I'm just going to have to deal with it but I think you should know...

(Anja kisses Jaylynn on the cheek)

JAYLYNN: Huh? What was that for?

ANJA: You're unbelievable, Jaylynn. I don't know anybody else who would go this far just so they can gain my affection. You are, without a shadow of a doubt, my best friend and the coolest person I know.

JAYLYNN: But this whole me liking you thing just isn't going to work out?

ANJA: No, I'm really sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I actually want it to.

JAYLYNN: You do?

ANJA: Yeah, I mean, it would be weird, but you're someone who truly loves me and I can't just turn you away.

JAYLYNN: Thanks Anja.

(The two hug.)

JAYLYNN: What about Lynne?

ANJA: I'll talk to her. Ugh, she drives me insane sometimes. I love her, of course, but she's so protective of me. I think, one time when we were little, I had this friend I always played with and she was so jealous, she broke my friend's leg.

JAYLYNN: What the hell?

ANJA: Yeah, but she won't do that now. Probably not.

(Jaylynn starts to get creeped out)

ANJA: It's a joke, she won't break your leg!

SCENE 9

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn is looking up at the ceiling on her couch when Lynne walks in)

JAYLYNN: Hey, Anja, you came back?

(She realizes it's Lynne.)

JAYLYNN: Oh, crap, I forgot she had a fat, butt ugly sister.

LYNNE: I'm not even fat!

JAYLYNN: Looks like it.

LYNNE: I don't have time for these lame jokes. Anja wanted me to come and apologize.

(long pause)

JAYLYNN: Well? Are you?

LYNNE: No, I'm not. I don't think I need to, really.

JAYLYNN: And why's that? Oh yeah, I forgot, you're a self-centered bitch.

LYNNE: You don't deserve Anja at all. Not even as a friend. You don't understand Islam or respect it enough to...

JAYLYNN: I tried converting today.

LYNNE: What?

JAYLYNN: I tried becoming a Muslim. I knew it was too much to ask, but I was going to go through with it anyway because I wanted to believe and still want to believe that there's a small chance Anja will be interested in me. But that didn't work out because it didn't, and now I have a tiny bruised ego. You feel good now trying to kick me around some more? Go ahead, because I'm going to beat the holy hell out of you if you keep pushing my buttons and you know what you're going to do about it? Absolutely NOTHING.

LYNNE: You tried converting to Islam because of your crush on Anja? You were going to do that for Anja?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, we already covered that.

LYNNE: Well, I don't know if that's sweet or stupid but I don't hate you as much as I thought I did. I mean, I still think you suck, but now I know why Anja values you so much.

JAYLYNN: So what is this? Where do we go from here?

LYNNE: Well, I still don't like you.

JAYLYNN: And I don't like YOU.

LYNNE: So I guess we're enemies.

JAYLYNN: Back at ya. But let's get one thing clear here: Anja's your sister and I know you care about her a lot, but at this point, I'm not going anywhere. So you better get used to seeing me a lot more.

LYNNE: And before I came along, you may have thought that you actually had a shot with Anja but I made you realize how stupid you were. So please, please try to keep believing in something you know will never happen. Because I'm going to be your worst nightmare if you hurt Anja.

JAYLYNN: Game on, bitch.

(The screen slowly turns black as the episode ends with Jaylynn and Lynne staring each other down)

(standing in an empty arena, hours before WWE Monday Night RAW) TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Bulletproof" by La Roux playing in the end credits)

©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS