A/N This is an Eclare one shot… maybe two depending on how I feel and what reviews say. I have been in a total writers block state for the last couple of months…. though school didn't really help the situation lol. But after the scene in last nights episode In the Cold, Cold Night well it gave me the spark to start writing again.
It had been only 24 hours since all her friends… well former friends…. well former-friends-turned-sort-of-friends had come to her rescue and decided to help her with the holiday issue of the newspaper. They weren't the only ones to come back into her life though. Eli Goldsworthy had also volunteered the boy that had been her rock, friend and boyfriend. Just seeing him again made her heart race. He looked and acted like the boy she had fallen for before the hoarding and bipolar disorder had gotten out of hand. Once again dressed in all black, even as the rest of them followed the dress code in their color coordinated shirts and khakis. Even for an after school thing he had gone home to change first. He was now wearing his worn in leather jacket that looked like it always belonged on him.
However, nothing compared to when she studied his face. Eli looked healthy and happy once more. His green eyes having some of that old sparkle back, a happiness that while tentative seemed to be growing everyday. Though she would never admit she studied him and how he looked at least once a day when they passed in the hall ways. But if truth be told she missed the smallest things. Running her fingers through his soft dark brown hair when they were making out or he had his head on her lap as they watch a movie. Or watching as the fire ignited behind his eyes as they talked about Palahniuk or the latest school production.
She always had an undeniably strong connection to Eli, one that as much as she didn't want to admit it never went away. Even now…. but maybe that was all part of the plan. Maybe Eli was it for her and now that they both had gone through their own things they could be together. Or maybe not, Eli seemed to be doing well but was she the issue? Was she his trigger? Had she grown as much as him? Goodness her mind needed to stop this.
It didn't help that she was alone with him right now. They both had done their research for their respective articles that day and had stayed after school to work on them. Not realizing the other would be there.
So now the room was silent except for the ticking of the wall clock and the tapping of computer keys. Neither said a word not that they could even think about what to say or where to start. That drove her even more insane because they use to be able to say everything to each other. She wanted to be with him so much so it was a craving that seemed to haunt her. She missed feeling his arms around her, them driving around in Morty or laying on the couch and reading just enjoying each others company.
Huffing Clare decided enough was enough. "Hey Eli can I ask you a question?" Her voice timid and she hated it.
Looking up momentarily from his own article Eli gave a quick smile, "Sure Edwards. What's up?"
"Why… why did you help with the paper? How did you even know I needed help?" Her voice stronger now as she locked eyes with him. She wouldn't get intimidated by him or her feelings anymore.
Sighing Eli saved his work before getting up from his chair and walking over to sit at the computer next to hers. "I found out about it through Adam. We were hanging out and he told me you had been freaking out about taking over the holiday issue because you didn't have anyone to help."
Smiling Clare couldn't help but giggle at Adam's actions. He was a supportive friend but if there was anything he hated it was talking about his two best friend's former relationship. Even after they broke up he was always careful not to mention one in front of the other. Or so she thought.
Clare was pulled out her thoughts by Eli's voice, "What?" His eyebrow raised in confusion disappearing under his bangs.
Looking down at her hands which were now in her lap Clare tried to focus again. "Just surprised he mentioned me to you. He always seemed like he wanted to stay far away from anything that connected back to when we were an 'us'. And I always thought that included updates."
Looking up at Eli once more she was surprised by the semi guilty look Eli had on his face. "Well he didn't just randomly give me an update, Clare, I asked for it. I asked for them. I never stopped caring about you. And through pieces I heard from him when we were hanging out I knew that you were at least ok."
Her heart seemed to swell at his answer. Sure she thought he still wanted her. At the time she was sure it was a part of his problems though, that his supposed love for her wasn't love anymore but rather an obsession. But to know he let her go to be with Jake, to be with another guy just because that is what she wanted. How he even tried to repair said relationship like he did in that sweat lodge. How he sacrificed his own happiness, yet he still kept an eye on her. It all made her want to wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him.
Which is what she did.
For once Clare didn't over think, didn't question her feeling. She just wanted to kiss him again. To feel the passion and safety that was held in every kiss they shared. It took a few second but soon his lips responded to the kiss as well. His arms enveloped her one sliding around her waist and another cupping her chin. This was not how she thought the conversation would go but she couldn't really complain. Sure they had to talk things over and she would make him… in a few minutes. Because the slightly chapped feel of his warm lips on hers was something she wanted to indulge in for now.
When Clare started to a little light headed she pulled away. The room was quiet and she kept her eyes closed for an extra beat longer then she normally would. She was still in their own little world.
"Wow. That was…" Eli's voice was low and husky sending shivers down her spine as memories of making out on the couch or against the kitchen counter invaded her mind. Clare could still feel the counter under her as Eli situated himself between her legs. All they did was make out but her body always felt like it was on fire. From the way he kissed her, the way he touched even the way she could make him moan and groan by nibbling on his bottom lip.
Looking in his eyes Clare saw passion and lust but there was a sadness or fear there too.
"Yea. Ummm sorry about that. Goodness why did I do that. I shouldn't have done that you probably hate me for doing that," Ignoring her article and research she flung her bag over her shoulder. "I should just go. I am going to go."
The auburn haired girl only made it a few feet when a hand wrapped around her wrist. "Clare… Clare look at me please." His voice was still low but this time she could hear the hurt in his voice. Nevertheless she couldn't make her head lift up, she couldn't see the pain that was in his voice painted across her face. "Clare," her name was just whisper as he leaned in resting his chin on her shoulder almost leaning his body against her back. "Clare please we need to talk, about everything."
Slowly turning around Clare finally looked at the teenage gothic writer. He had that adorable puppy dog look on his face that she could never say no to. Walking over to the chairs once more she felt his hand loosen on her wrist, only to slide down to her hand and interlace their fingers.
"Ok let's talk." Clare focused on Eli but let her logical side take over as she tried not to think about how his lips felt. Before Clare could really edit her own thoughts they were already tumbling out. No sugar coating or circling around how she really felt, just the truth. The things she had wanted to say to him a million times and never did. Still she would practice this little speech every night while she was laying in bed. "God Eli I want to be with you so bad then again you know that by the kiss." Clare let a slightly humorless laugh escape. "But Eli you scared me so much… before. I am so afraid that we have been through too much. I know you are going to therapy and that you are on medication. And you seem so happy and content at school. But but but…"
Holding onto her hand a bit tighter his voice was back to a whisper like he was speaking to a scared animal, " But what Clare?"
She couldn't say it, not when it could break both their hearts when he realized her fear was real. And not just real for her but rather that the fear being spoken out loud would lead him to see it too. That it wasn't just Clare over analyzing the situation. But Eli just sat there waiting and after another two minutes of silence he asked her again, "What is scaring you so much."
"I am scared I am your trigger." Her eyes began to fill with tears finally admitting what had been eating at her ever since he had crashed Morty. "I am scared that if we get back together it will only be a matter of time until something happens. Until I do something to hurt you and you spiral or I run away when it gets to intense." Tears were now free falling from her eyes but she didn't care anymore.
The next thing she knew he had released her hand only to pull her body to his. Her head buried into his chest on its own accord as his hands rubbed circles into her back. "Clare listen to me. You are not a trigger. I was really messed up but that is on me. I had a lot of stress that had happened in my life before you. I just didn't deal with it and it got worse. I have been doing really well lately though. My therapist even says that being a normal teen is the best thing for me. Getting out and dating is included in that."
Sniffling Clare tried to calm her breathing down as she snuggled into his embrace even more. "Are you sure Eli? I am. I want to be with you but if you aren't ready I don't want to push." She just needed to hear him say it.
Tightening his arms around her Eli moved slowly until he settled down into one of the computer chairs. Happy to no longer be standing Clare's body seemed to remember how good it felt to be even this intimate with her ex. She let herself mold into his form once more sitting sidewise on his lap. The rest of her body may have seemed calm but her hands betrayed her. They began to twist and untwist around his cotton t-shirt a nervous habit of hers he remembered well. "Clare I am so ready to be back in your life, I never wanted to leave. But I get that I had to. I needed to get my mind in a better place. We both hand a lot of stuff going on, life changing things going on. The only question is are you ok to do thing again?"
The last sentence startled Clare so much her head shot up. "I think I am. I mean yea my life has been more than a little crazy over the last year. But things are starting to calm down. I think this is the perfect time to start a new chapter. I'm on talking terms with K.C, Jenna, Alli and Conner again. I have a weird yet working understanding- friendship-sibling thing with Jake. And even with a new step-father my home life is reasonably stable. All I am missing is my boyfriend. The boy that understood me better than I knew myself. And of course hanging with him and our awesome friend Adam all together again would be an added bonus."
Clare had barely finished her speech when Eli's lips were on her again. This time the kiss was faster and messy. All tongue, teeth and a passion Clare hadn't felt since they had broken up. Finally feeling free to act on how she felt the eleventh grade let her hand thread through her boyfriend's, wow that was amazing to say again, her boyfriend's hair. Getting slightly uncomfortable with the weird angle her body was at Clare pulled away and stood up. Almost regretting the action when she saw fear in Eli's eyes again.
"Come on lets go to my place. We can continue this," She couldn't help to smirk when he smiled, truly smiled at the idea, "do homework, talk more whatever we want. But at least we can do it within the privacy of my own home." Her arm out stretched as she waited for him to take her hand. He quickly did grabbing both of their bags with his other hand. Letting go of her hand he quickly wrapped it around her waist. Clare giggled once more when without even hesitating he pecked her on the cheek before leading the way out of the school.
That afternoon both teens knew everything was changing. But unlike the unwanted changes over the past year this one was different. It was something that the universe was giving each teen. So they would always have someone that had their backs. They would be ok if they could stick together and support each other.