Miniature Bacon Strips
a Fullmetal Alchemist style parody of William Shakespeare's Hamlet
by BridgitKiido
Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist was (and is still being) written by Hiromu Arakawa. Hamlet is a play written by William Shakespeare. I am neither of those people.
Act 1 Scene 1New characters featured in this scene (Role: FMA character + description):
Barnardo: Miles, a Major in the Amestris military. His family is of all sorts of different races, but he happened to inherit Ishvallan characteristics (red eyes and dark skin).
Francisco: Olivia Armstrong, a Major General in the Amestris military. Although she is Alex Armstrong's oldest sister and therefore has the blond hair and characteristic eyelashes of the family, she is very little like her younger brother.
Horatio: Nina Tucker, the very young daughter of state alchemist Shou Tucker. She is almost never seen without her large pet dog, Alexander. For the sake of this story, she is close friends with Elysia Hughes.
Marcellus: Sheska, a cliché bookworm and a librarian for the Amestris military.
The Ghost: Maes Hughes, caring family man and Brigadier General in the Amestris military (regardless of the strange people who will attempt to get you to believe that his actual rank is called Commodore). Lately, he was killed under mysterious circumstances, and although all of the readers know that it was Envy that did it, somehow the other characters haven't put two and two together yet. For the sake of this story, let's assume the Maes!Pride theory discussed in "Excessive Pride" is at least partially true.
It was a little bit after midnight, and Central Headquarters' hallways were very dark. That is, except for the area around which Major Miles was keeping watch. As there was no one around, he was twirling his sunglasses in his hand and humming an unidentified tune.
"If you keep humming like that, anyone who decides to invade will know you're there."
Miles, somewhat startled, leapt to his feat and stood immediately at attention, replacing his glasses frantically as he recognized the voice. "Please forgive me, General Armstrong."
As Major General Olivia Armstrong stepped into the dim light, she sighed. "At ease, Miles. I was just passing through to retire for the night. Although I'm still not sure exactly why we were called to Central to begin with."
"Maybe it has something to do with the homunculi, ma'am?" Miles suggested.
"It's not about the homunculi," came another voice. Olivia and Miles both turned to see Sheska accompanying Nina Tucker through the building. Sheska nervously pushed her glasses further up her nose as she continued, "After all, Nina is supposed to be dead. I think it has something to do with the letters we got from someone who calls themselves the "Authoress"."
Nina piped up, "Edward-nii-chan was telling me earlier about how last time someone called the "Authoress" sent him a letter, he was forced to play the role of a witch in a play that starred Fuhrer King Bradley. Maybe that's what's going on again."
Olivia considered this. "Well, that would explain why that weird guy named Envy is calling himself the king right now. And the fact that Brigadier General Maes Hughes is standing in a semi-transparent manner right beside me."
For indeed, it was true. While the four of them had been talking, Maes Hughes had somehow managed to sneak up behind them and was now standing next to the eldest daughter of the Armstrong family. He was also tapping his foot in an impatient manner.
Sheska nearly fainted from the shock. "G-g-g-g-General Hughes? But you're supposed to be dead!"
Nina shrugged. "I also get that a lot." Upon receiving the ghostly General's glare, she continued, "I mean, um… By heaven, I charge thee, speak."
Maes nodded slightly before walking away, behind the door frame.
Olivia sweatdropped. "Okay… what was that about? The last time I saw something as strange as that was the time Sloth showed up at Briggs."
Sheska attempted to regain her composure before replying, "I think it's the Authoress' Maes!Pride theory. She's still not convinced by what happened in chapter 70, so it's still in effect here."
Miles flipped through a small notebook and replied, "According to this particular play's canon, General Maes Hughes was the king here, and he even managed to kill Fuhrer King Bradley of the neighboring country, which is now led by Roy Mustang. But then Maes Hughes mysteriously died, and Envy somehow managed to become king and by some strange circumstance married the General's wife, Gracia."
Nina piped up, "Don't forget that Elysia is the princess."
At that note, Maes popped his head into the room again, but before he could say anything, the sound of a rooster's crowing was heard, and he was forced to retreat.
The four of them looked at each other blankly before all shrugging. Sheska broke the silence by saying, "I think Elysia would want to hear about this."
Nina nodded, and the two of them left to go find Elysia.
Author's note: Nii-san is Japanese for older brother. I could in theory use the English counterpart, but I think that nii-san sounds cuter. And I'm fully aware that Olivia and Miles are probably completely out of character. Please forgive me for that…