Hey punks! – punks…? –
So, as you already know, this is a Halloween special… posted two or three days after Halloween. Blame social life, I still have it…
Now, let's clarify something. This is the 3Z universe… only that this happens when there in the second grade, hence: 2Z. You can take this as a prequel to "Temee! You can blame math, but you can't calculate your life!". Why? Because if I made it a 3Z story, it would make Kagura and Sougo a couple and… well I wanted something a little different.
So, were in the 2Z universe!
Have fun reading and leave a comment if you feel like ( I wouldn't mind at all, you know)
Also, check my profile for drawings of Sougo's and Kagura's (and Hijikata's) outfits! I wanted to do more, but the dead-line got me... – I'm still alive though, hmmm… maybe I'm immortal… – Don't expect much from them, though.
Disclaimer: For God's sake, Gintama is not mine and will never be! I still have work to do to get at Sorachi's level, you know?
It was a pretty sunny day for fall, the birds were singing with enthusiasm, refusing to submit to the nostalgic atmosphere autumn brought with itself. The wind was blowing softly from time to time, making the fallen leaves to fly around, letting themselves to be carried by him in a beautiful, suave dance.
"'Morning, Megane!"
"Morning, Kagura-chan!"
"Gin-chan told me to go first, so probably he's gonna be late this time too." The girl informed him, then kicked a pebble.
Shimura Shinpachi shook his head in rhythm with the beautiful symphony, unwilling to destroy the beautiful harmony because of their good for no- because of their homeroom teacher. Let's not judge. Maybe he didn't hear the alarm...
Exactly. Being harsh on a poor man wasn't something good, nor for him, nor for the man.
He inhaled deeply the autumn air. Nature. Think of nature. The beautiful chirp of the birds, the soft, relaxing sound the wind made, the smell of the earth, the fall's gorgeous shapes of yellow and orange and brown and rusty.
He inhaled again. Shimura Shinpachi was in perfect harmony with nature.
... Until he turned his head to the left.
"K-Kagura-chan, What... what are you wearing!?"
A half-torn greenish-white Western-style wedding dress, that had borrowed, here and there, some of the Chinese characteristics. It had a heart shaped low-cut neck, no straps and the right-side of the waist was ragged. The bottom had different shaped and sized shreds and had the front part hanging in a way that somehow gave off the feeling of a qipao.
An unattached mandarin collar also gave off that feeling, with its mold-green, thin borders. Mold-green borders that were also on the quadratic green-white armbands. Low-heeled old-fashioned black boots. Red hair combed in two fluffy, wavy buns. Sewed scars on neck, cheeks and legs.
Frankenstein's bride. That's what Kagura was wearing.
Right next to her was Otae, in a circus ring mistress costume; a red tailcoat with a red pleated mini-skirt, black high-heeled boots, a black blouse and a... a stovepipe hat.
How comes he didn't notice her?!
Other classmates were dressed either as mummies or ghosts, zombies, witches, wizards, werewolves, animals or magical girls, maids, Egyptians, cowboys, and so.
The main idea: Everyone was costumed, except him.
Shinpachi looked at the scene with a very complicated and confused look on his face. Wh-what the hell is g-going on...?! "Ane-ue... wh-"
"OTAE-SAAAAAN!" A gorilla- um, pardon, a Shinsengumi officer in a Shinsengumi traditional uniform jumped at Ane-ue with fierce and determination.
...Determination to get his ass kicked.
"What is going on here?" Shinpachi asked with a blank look the man- pardon, the gorilla that was dresses as a Shinsengumi officer and that was now on the ground, under Otae's foot.
Kondou blinked. "Hahaha, you don't know? Otae-san didn't tell you, Shinpachi-kun? Neither China-musume?" he asked as he laughed whole-heartedly.
"Split it out, Gorilla!"
"Even you, Shinpachi-kun?!" Kondou cried in disbelief.
"Oi, oi, back to your seats. Haven't you heard me, brats?" Someone dead-panned, hitting a book against the desk. They all went to their respective seats, Shinpachi too, prepared to denounce his classmates to their class master. But the moment he sat down and faced the blackboard, Shinpachi's face lost all its expression.
"So, where were we last time?"
The class rose its shoulders.
"Ah, yeah, super sai-yen(1)." Said a headless horseman.
"EVEN YOU, GIN-SAANN?!"
Shinpachi sighed. That seemed normal, human even. Something nice, something that would change one's perspective on the human race, in a good way.
But it's class 2Z were talking about...
"So, got it Shinpachi?" Kagura-chan asked when she saw his skeptic face.
"Well, let me see... it's Halloween-"
"Exactly!" Kondou cheered.
"-and you want the whole class to wear a scary costume, so that, at least for today, Hedoro-san wouldn't feel out of place."
"Yep." Kagura smiled, which made him to do the same; a soft smile enlightened his face.
"That's nice."
An Elizabeth with Katsura face popping out from its beak nodded his head, smiling knowingly. "This way, we're finally gonna be voted as The nicest class of the year!"
"That's not nice at all!"
Kondou Isao crossed his arms. "Brother-in-law-"
"I'm not your brother-in-law!"
"-is right; it's not nice to use Hedoro-kun as a lifeless thing that would make us popular-"
"No, that sounds worse than it is." Shinpachi sweat-dropped.
Then suddenly the gorilla let his head down, a dark aura covering him. "-Plus, that's not even the reason why we're doing it; that's just an excuse. The real reason-" Kondou rose his head. He was smirking and his eyes were glistening. "The real reason is to see Otae-san's cute costume!" Kondou shouted with a bull's excitement. He even puffed steam out of his nose, like a bull ready to mate.
*BANG!*
Otae hit his head with the back of a chair. "My, my, there's a wild animal among us. Ladies and gentlemen,-" Smiling, she kicked him hard when he launched himself at her . "-girls and boys, children of all ages, I shall now tame this beast!" She shouted, rising her cane.
"A-ane-ue, d-don't!" Shinpachi cried, with panic in his voice.
Kagura clapped her hands. "Great performance, Anego!"
Otae smiled then bowled, taking off her hat and swinging it in the air. "Thank you, I practiced."
Shinpachi sighed. At she didn't use her cane...
"Anyway..." Megane said, clearing his throat to get their attention. "...for however reason you have..." he shot Kondou a cold glance. "... your plan lacks something."
"And what do you think we lack, hm, smart-boy character?"
"I don't know what Shinpachi lacks, but I know what you lack: a decent face, yes!" Kagura attacked the brave (and also ugly) magical girl.
The magical Cat-herine grimaced and replied to Frankenstein's bride with an insult, of course. Which angered the maiden. Who jumped at the Cat.
"MONSTER FIGHT!"
"That's not the poooint!" Shinpachi cried his lugs out... just to get completely ignored.
He kept yelling as Kagura was disfeaturing the older woman with her fists and feet and as Catherine tried to disfigure the younger girl with... anything that was in her reach. And most of the class was watching the fight with interest, so no one was paying attention to the regular tsukkomi...
"HEDORO-SAN IS NOT IN THE CLASSROOM!"
Everyone stopped; Kagura holding an unconscious Catherine, Kondou-san in his halfway to jump at Ane-ue – he was levitating – , Ane-ue chatting with Kyuubei-san, Otose-san in the middle of her "kids nowadays" comment, the other classmates in the tracks of their gossip and Catherine... well she was unconscious.
This time they couldn't ignore him. It took them a minute to react:
"HAAAA?!"
"Where could he be?" Kondou mumbled to himself. "For the first time in forever we can make the other classes think were nice and we ruin it by losing our collateral victim!"
"He's not a collateral victim!" Shinpachi was in his usual tsukkomi pants.
"Then he's..." Katsura mumbled as he pondered. "...Oh, I know, he's the main victim."
"No!"
Both Kagura and Kondou nodded their heads in agreement.
Shinpachi, whom their behavior made lose an internal battle with himself, stopped right there and yelled his opinion out. "No! He's not a victim!"
Kagura, Kondou and Katsura gave him pitiful looks.
"Don't look at me like that! And why are you three getting along so well out of the blue?! And stop looking at me as you're mentally saying-"
"Poor Patsuan..."
"Exactly!"
The other three blinked in a puzzled way. He frowned. Now that he thought about it, that voice wasn't either Kagura-chan's, or Katsura-san's and definitely not Kondou-san's...
Shinpachi turned toward the voice, but all he saw was darkness. It was raining outside and the administrator suddenly decided to be economic when it was class time; so the lights were turned off.
"Oi, Yorozuya's Jimi, stop yelling on the corridors. Do you want to commit seppuku?"
"Hijikata-san, that's a little too much. You yelled too; go and commit seppuku!" dead-panned a voice in response.
The four students looked at one another. They recognized the voices; we know which persons were talking. So, why couldn't the two groups see each other? They were close, anyway, so what's the reason- Actually, no. They weren't close at all.
Huh...? Then how can they hear each other?
Because of a certain lack of caps lock.
Here's the real scene:
"NO! HE'S NOT A VICTIM!"
"DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! And why are you three getting along so well out of the blue?! AND STOP LOOKING AT ME AS YOU'RE MENTALLY SAYING-"
"Poor Patsuan..."
"Exactly!"
And here's how the other group's scene looked:
"Don't look at me like that! And why are you three getting along so well out of the blue?! And stop looking at me as you're mentally saying-" ?!
"POOR PATSUAN..."
"Exactly!"
"OI, YOROZUYA'S JIMI, STOP YELLING ON THE CORRIDORS! DO YOU WANT TO COMMIT SEPPUKU?!"
"HIJIKATA-SAN, THAT'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH! YOU YELLED TOO; GO AND COMMIT SEPPUKU!"
So, how comes that one group's caps lock characters became normal for the other? The answer is simple really.
They were in opposite sides of the building.
So, keeping the caps-lock in mind...
"Oi, perm-head sensei, step in the darkness and get those morons!"
"No! You step in; I like the light!"
"Eh, are you scared? Huh, what is that? Your teeth chattering? What a shame on us that you're the main character!"
"If you are so brave, then go ahead. You can be the main character."
Shinpachi and Kagura looked at each other with dead-fish eyes.
"I don't want to!"
"Well I don't want either! It's freaking Halloween! I'm not crazy; I saw enough horror movies! I know what happens to the first dump-head that steps in the darkness!"
"Hijikata-san, Danna is the main character; he can't die. So, you'll be the first sacrifice."
"Exactly!"
"What?! No! I'll be the main character!"
"Good, then you'll be the first to die."
"What kind of logic is that?!"
Shinpachi sighed and looked at the gorilla on his right side.
"What? No! Toshi can't die! And neither sensei! Nooo, don't step in the light!"
Already fed up, he turned his head to his left.
"Ginpachi, push that bastards into the darkness!" Katsura cheered like he was at a sport competition.
Shinpachi face-palmed himself. He was too tired to act like his usual self.
He looked back. Kagura was watching the scene with dead-fish eyes.
"I'll just go and turn on the lights." She said when she noticed he was staring at her.
"Good idea." He said as she headed to the switch.
*Click*
"Hm...?" Kagura pushed the switch back off, then on again. She blinked and pushed it again and then again.
Nothing happened.
She did it again; turn on an off, on and off and on.
Still darkness.
She frowned. The lack of electrical response from the system angered her. She started to switch it on and off with a monstrous strength.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the building:
"Turn on! Turn on! Turn on! Turn on! Turn on! Turn ooooon! Turn oooooon!" Hijikata chanted as he moved the other switch up and down furiously. He lost at rock-paper-scissors, so he was the first to be sacrificed.
Back at our side of building:
When she finally stopped, Kagura looked at Shinpachi with dead-fish eyes.
"It's not working."
"Don't say that after breaking it!"
"Oi, Oogushi-kun, stop fooling around and hurry up in the darkness! There's a hungry monster waiting for you." Sensei's voice echoed to them.
"Shut up! And did you say h-hungry monster?! You said hungry monster, didn't you!"
"Hungry monster." Sougo dead-panned.
"Yeah, yeah, exactly! And it likes mayonnaise, so me or Sofa-kun wouldn't do; you're nearly made from mayonnaise."
"Sougo, Danna."
"Whatever." Ginpachi said as he rose his shoulders, then suddenly, he grabbed Hijikata by shoulder and started to push him. "Now go and be a good dinner. And you lost at jan-ken-pon anyway."
"Oi, s-stop it! I-I don't wanna die!" That didn't stop the teacher from his pushing, though. Hijikata heels were in flames from the friction and he was getting closer to the darkness.
"And I didn't lose! Sougo brought up real scissors; he almost cut my fingers down!"
"Tsk, I missed."
"What was that?!"
Ginpachi stopped right when his victim's tip-toes were almost touching the darkness. Hijikata gulped. The man behind sighed, but then his arms tensed up.
"Just die, already."
Suddenly the door that was in the middle of the building flung right open.
"STOP THIS USELESS YELLING, YOU PIECE OF JUNK!"
A muscular man- u-um, I mean, a very beautiful woman, yelled in a very manly way... eh! I mean, f-feminine way. S/He was dressed in a pink kimono, as casual woman clothes couldn't fit her(his) well build-up- I-I mean curvy body.
Both parties started to sweat in horror, their eyes being covered by their bangs. ...Well, except for Kagura and Katsura.
"Professor Fearsome God Mademoiselle Saigou!" Ginpachi cried.
The (wo)man frowned menacingly. "That's not my name!"
Ginpachi, Shinpachi, Hijikata, Sougo and Kondou froze in their pants. "M-Mama...!"
Saigou expression softened and he smiled. "That's better."
The men relaxed for a moment. "T-then we'll be taking our l-leave. Bye-bye!" Ginpachi, still sweating furiously, waved his hand as he started to walk away in what he wanted to be a relaxed manner.
He got snatched out of his shoes.
"Just because you got my name right doesn't mean I forgave you. Now come here to get your punishment." The Okama man said to his prisoner, then shot a glare to the other punks.
"Mama!" They yelped, then followed Saigou with the hanging Ginpachi like a nice herd of lambs. Katsura included.
"K-Katsura-san, what are you doing?!"
"Shhhu, Shinpachi-kun, I'm not gonna be left on stand-by this time."
"This is the right moment to be on stand-by!"
"SHUT UP!" Saigou roared, silencing the tsukkomi.
Kagura watched with dead-fish eyes as the door closed behind the doomed ones.
The four males all looked pale as they walked in their Halloween costumes. No, correct that. They were Mexican skeletons, with decorations, costumes, hats, no head, armor, uniform and all.
Kagura was walking in front of them, shielding herself with her beloved umbrella, with a very neutral aura around herself. Behind her was Katsura, shining of smiles as always. Then came Sougo and after him the four skeletons.
"Gin-chan, where to now?"
"It's "where now", China."
""Where to now" has more logic for me."
"For you." He said sardonic.
She frowned, then turned toward him. "Wh-" She stopped in mid-sentence as someone hit her head.
"I don't care!" Ginpachi exploded, then pointed at the boy. "What I don't get is why's Souchirou-kun not forced to work at the Okama-club for a week!?"
The whole bunch was condemned to that kind of horrible sentence. Except for the sandy-flaxed boy in front of him.
"I'm a bishounen." He said, innocently.
"That's exactly the point! You'd get them lots of clients, especially dressed as a girl!"
"I talked my way out."
"I'm a bishounen too! I'm ranked higher than this punk!" Hijikata complained, then grabbed his teacher's shoulder. "Perm-head-sensei, let's go talk our way out!"
"You're no bishounen, Mayora. You're a bussu-oto-ku." (2)
"That's maybe the best made up word of yours, China."
"After MADAO, people always forget about the fact that I'm Madao's creator."
"Nah, anything that insults Hijikata-san tops Madao."
A sword swung near the boy's ear. "Shut your trap, demon!"
"He's actually dressed as a demon." Ginpachi commented with dead-fish eyes.
"Danna, that's an angel-costume; I'm an angel."
He was dressed in a white, long coat, similar with a night-dress with a dark hood hanging on his shoulders, covering the angel-like polystyrene wings. Though, for an angel, he had dark circles surrounding his eyes.
Kagura frowned. "You're no angel, you're a demon, Sadist!"
"A demon is, theoretical, a fallen angel. A fallen angel it's merely an angel, only that it fell.
"So... you're an angel...?" She made a complicated face at that explanation. He nodded.
Hijikata face-palmed himself.
"Demons are deceiving; they dress as angels and act all angel-like just for the show. Don't be fooled, Kagura-chan." Ginpachi held his protective speech.
"But if I really wanted to deceive, I would be acting all sweet and prince-like, but I'm not. So I'm not a demon because I'm not deceiving." Sougo dead-panned in his defense.
Kagura looked at them puzzled. She kind of grasped the "demon = deceiving" part, but she wasn't sure about the whole idea.
"So, you're a demon, or an angel...?"
"I'm an angel."
"Angels doesn't wear dark, scary hoods!" Hijikata yelled, annoyed by their argument. "You were hiding in dark places, with that thing on, to scare me!"
Ginpachi grinned. "Oh, so you got scared, huh, Oogushi-kun?" He sneaked next to the man, putting the question in a mockingly tone.
"Hah?" Hijikata started to laugh in a very awkward manner. "Of course, n-not...! I'm not scared at all."
"Oh, so you are scared, Hijikata-san? Because Danna asked you if you got scared by me. Past tense."
"Eh? N-no, of course I hasn't been scared!"
Kagura looked at him with dead-fish eyes. "Haven't."
"Ha?"
"I haven't been scared is the right form. Unless you're talking about yourself at the third person. Like Guvia-chan. Are you an ice mage's stalker, Mayora? (3) Have you walked on Gorilla's footsteps?"
"Nah." Gin-chan hooked an arm around Hijikata's shoulders. "He fell for a fire-mage. (4)"
"Oh, for an air-head?" Kagura eyes sparked with curiosity.
Gin shook his head thoughtfully. "Nah, he's the air-head here."
Katsura suddenly jumped. "Okita-kun, you're glowing! You look like a ghost!"
"He's a ghost." Ginpachi commented as he dug his finger in his nostril.
"Enough!" Hijikata shouted. "We're splitting! Find the green giant! I'm going with Kondou-san."
Kondou, who until now have been totally ignored, jumped at him with enthusiasm. "Thank yoooou!" He said as hugged him tightly . "Thank you! Thank you! Thaaank you!" He cried as his swung Hijikata left and right, his nose going Tarzan.
"Well then, I'm going with Danna!" Sougo dead-panned.
"Gin-chan, I'm going with you!" Kagura cheered.
They started to glare at each other.
"What does that means?"
"It means that I'm going with Danna. You can go with Megane; we're too similar anyway."
"How the hell are you and Shinpachi similar?! And no, I'm going with Gin-chan. No discussion!" She folded her arms over her chest and smirked in a mockingly way. "Do you want to get your ass kicked, Sadist?"
He grinned, a dark, sadistic aura surrounding him. "Bring it on!"
And they started to fight.
Shinpachi sighed. It was no use to yell at them, as they probably wouldn't listen to him. Or at least hear him...
"Pssst, Patsuan, let's go!" Ginpachi whispered, then hand-signed him to follow him.
Shinpachi looked back at the two, not sure what to do.
Kagura just hit Okita-san in the head with her umbrella. The boy took the blow, but tripped her with the sword that he took out from God-knows-where.
With a impassable face, Shinpachi turned his back at them and followed his teacher who was retreating discreetly: running at full speed for the first corner to hide.
"I can't believe Gin-chan left me with you!" Kagura whined as they walked.
They were in the middle of their fight when they noticed that they were alone. So they decided to form a team. Again.
Seeing that she was completely ignored, she sent a kick toward him. He dodged it, even though he wasn't paying attention at her at all.
"I don't wanna make a team with you again!" She kept whining about the situation. Then she started to curse Gin-chan for letting her behind again, then the situation again, saying that she was already fed up of all this pointless searching and of his face.
Again, she got ignored.
Annoyed by both the situation and her companion, she aimed another kick, this time for his feet.
He dodged this one too, probably already prepared for it. Only that this time he caught her ankle and held it still, in the air.
"Now, now, China, I would shut up if I were you." He said and pulled her forward brutally, ruining her already poor balance.
She hopped closer, trying to keep herself on her own feet... I mean foot, and not fall face on on the floor.
Other students, that were innocently passing by, blushed at the scene. Sougo grinned.
Kagura frowned. What could possibly make them blush? Especially the males? And why was that sadist grinning? They're weirdos. After all, I'm only with a leg hanging in the air. In a dress. Oh...
Kagura glared at him, but stood still.
"Oh, it seems that you got the message. He smirked, satisfied as he let go of her.
But the moment his first three fingers left her ankle, she grabbed a fistful of his bangs and pulled hard.
"Gah!" He yelped and let go of her foot. As a precaution, she punched him in the stomach. He groaned and kneed down, holding his stomach in pain.
"Eat this, sexual harasser!" She yelled, then made a run for her life.
"Y-you're dead, China...!"
First, they heard a knock at the door. But they were expecting it. And then the door flung wide open. But they were expecting that too.
"Oi, China, you can run but you can't hide." Dead-panned Sougo, who was half hid be the door.
All the students in the class tried to act natural: freak the hell out. But they were expecting themselves to.
"After all, not even Hijikata could hide from my bazooka~
What they were expecting though, was him to have a freaking real bazooka!
"That's too inappropriate, Sadist!" Kagura popped from her hiding spot, underneath the bottom class's desks.
A decent boy cried out loud at her bluntness. And indiscretion. The intruder grinned in a very up-to-no-good way, placed the spyglass at his eye...
They all tensed up, wide eyed. "You're crazy?!"
Kagura ran to the nearest window.
...and fired!
She kicked the window's lock.
*KABOOM!*
Somewhere in the school:
"Oh, it seems like Kagura-chan and Okita-kun blew a part of the school again." Otae said, just a little worried.
"Yeah, yeah. Couldn't they at least blow outside things? To gather money from them for reparations is so damn tough..." Ginpachi complained as he rubbed his nape in a troubled manner.
"They're your students, keep them in control, you useless teacher!" Hijikata said through grinded teeth, but his voice got covered by Shinpachi's.
"THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT?!"
Back to the unfortunate class:
Broken floor parts were hanging on a pipe of iron, in verge of falling on the second floor. Pieces of ground everywhere, scattered like leaves blown by an angered wind. Or the leaves-machine. Glass, iron, wood, desfigured desks, plastic; all had been transformed to dust, or better said, ashes.
The place held a very sad, frightened aura. After all it had just been thorn to pieces. Blown up. The smoke was still getting out from some pieces and the building's skeleton wasn't clear anymore for a passer-by eye. The explosion produced an internal explosion, because of the destruction of the protective gas' pipes, who went boom because of the fire.
And everything was turn to ashes.
Fortunately, no one was hurt in the explosion. But nothing was left...
... of the far away building that was in sight.
"You're nuts! Gin-chan told us to not break things!" Kagura exclaimed, staying wide eyed at the window, with the disaster in front of her eyes.
"It's not broken." Sougo dead-panned next to her.
"It's blown!"
"They'd think I'm a terrorist." He said and rose his shoulders nonchalantly.
"You are a terrorist!" She pointed at him accusatory.
He rolled his eyes. "That's not the word you're looking for."
She remained with her finger in the air for a second. Then made a run for the door. "Thank you, Hisashi-kuun!"
Sougo went after her immediately.
"G-good luck, Kagura-chan!" The fragile boy waved, sweat-dropping.
Then Sougo's head popped thought the door. "Ah, by the way, have you seen a green, big, giant creature with hor-?"
"I asked already!"
"Ah, okay."
And he disappeared.
"What are you doing here, monster?"
"Oh, seems like I found myself a green giant." Sougo said to himself as he walked toward the class where he heard the noise.
But something felt very off.
"Go away, you ugly monster! No one wants you here! Shu, shu!"
Sougo frowned but shook off the feeling and walked past the opened door to get to the entrance.
"Have you seen a green gia-?"
"You don't have to be green for me to see you, creature!"
"Don-kun..." Yocchan murmured the guy's name unappreacitive.
The guy that was mocking China.
"I haven't asked you if you saw me-"
"Oi, have you saw Hedoro~?" Sougo asked as he knocked. But the general ruckus was too loud. As China started to curse the boy. And he started to practically yell insults at her.
"YOU'RE A HORRIBLE MONSTER! VANISH, CREATURE! BE GONE!"
"Bastard, you vanish... vanish in your mother balls!"
His classmates gasped.
Sougo face-palmed himself.
"SHUT YOUR TRAP, YOU CREATURE! MY MOM'S IS BEAUTIFUL! YOURS IS AN UGLY GORILLA! MINE DOESN'T HAVE BALLS CAUSE SHE'S NOT UGLY!"
Yocchan and the boys near him shook their heads in disapproval.
I agree with the gorilla part. Sougo thought.
"I know beautiful transvestites! And anyone can have balls, like you can have a pu-"
Sougo put his hands over her mouth. "Censure~"
"Stop it, Don-kun. No one is gonna pick your side." One of the boys said, trying to calm the waters.
"What do you mean?! You're teaming with this... this thing?!" he pointed at her.
Kagura, who until now was trying to take his hands off her, suddenly stopped all her movements.
"She's just a violent monster!-"
Her bangs covered her eyes.
"A disgusting, violent creature that shouldn't even be called human!"
Sougo felt her flinching.
"Maybe shouldn't even been born!"
And she became a lifeless thing in his hands again.
"She's nothing but a bother for this world!"
China was pretty jelly-like. So jelly-like that he briefly wondered if she would start to tremble if someone shook her.
"Just like that dirty 2Z!"
Silence.
"Alright, let's go, China." When she flinched, finally awaken from her thoughts, he added. "No need to argue with a dead man."
A girl blinked. "Eh, that voice? No way... Okita-sama?!"
And that was the flame that started the bigger fire, as the girls started to chatted and whisper to each other asking themselves and their friends if it was for real. After all, he was wearing his costume's hood.
Kagura, feeling an interesting opportunity, jumped on his back and bravely "unmasked" him while he tried to get her off.
The group reaction was even more interesting. Of course, they went all:
"It really is him!"
But what was interesting was that they didn't start to squall, or jump at him, or try to touch him. No. They haven't done either of those things, to Kagura's bemusement.
Instead, they took the at-attention! position.
"Oi, Sadist, they seem to... know you." The girl that was still clinging to his back said, a little unsure yet amused by the funny situation.
"Do they now-"
"What shall be his punishment, Sir? Please command!"
They both flinched – Sougo almost imperceptible to her, if she hasn't been literally on his back – at the yelled question... or demand of orders.
The one who asked was a girl that seemed to be the others' boss.
"Oi, Sadist they seem to... know you pretty well."
He shot her a sarcastic look. "Oh, really? I couldn't tell." When she blinked at him puzzled, he rolled his eyes. "Alright, China, now get off."
The boss-girl approached them as Kagura got off his back.
"What are we supposed to do, Okita-sama?" she asked in a shy way that also had a hint of confidence, deep down.
He looked around the classroom. "I don't know." He said as he turned to leave the room. Kagura was already outside of the classroom. She looked at him questioningly when she heard his answer.
"OI, SADIST! YOU SHOUL-"
Her mouth got covered by his hand again. "You don't have to yell when I'm right next to you. I'm not deaf like you."
She rose her shoulders. "I wanted to make use of the author's ambiguous choice of words." She blinked. "Aren't you gonna give them what they want? After all, a man duty his to please his women; that's what Gin-chan said." She frowned. "Though Shinpachi corrected him..."
"Just when did Danna become a health teacher?"
"I don't know... Oh, maybe he's rolling around with Tsukki!"
"You mean that they switched." Sougo dead-panned and she was about to reply when the boss-girl suddenly stopped in front of them. Her classmates were peeking through the door.
"Please, give him a punishment, Okita-sama!"
"I told you I ha-"
"B-but sir...!"
He stared at her blankly. Then he turned around and started to slowly walk away.
She panicked. "S-Sir!"
"Just make sure he doesn't leave his seed anywhere in this classroom. Or school; your choice." He dead-panned as he waved his hand.
The girl took a bold upright position, smiling. "Yes, Sir!"
"Oi, Sadist, your M-es are pretty much S-es, yes." Kagura concluded as they walked.
"I don't care, as long as they're M-es with me."
Ginpachi looked at the four teenagers. They starred back at him blankly.
Well... almost all of them.
"Stop staring at us already." Hijikata said, his hand on the handle of his costume's sword.
"I'm just looking at the beautiful exhibits. I think they portray stupidity." The teacher replied nonchalantly.
"Shut up, you didn't found him either!" Hijikata spat.
Ginpachi frowned, feeling suddenly insulted but then he sighed. "I know..."
"Danna, maybe we can't find him because of Hijikata-san. Let's make him die of natural causes and then see if we have better luck."
"How the hell do you plan to make me die of natural causes?!"
"I have some ways in mind..."
"I think I can find some. Ancient techniques or so." Gin said as he dug after a snot.
A sword would have flashed through their bodies, spitting blood all over and killing them if they haven't jumped away in the last moment. "Don't suddenly team up, you Do-S combi!"
"I know some too, yes."
"K-Kagura-chan, don't join in when they're discussing an assassination!" Shinpachi cried.
"Shin-chan is right, Kagura-chan; that's not how women act anyway."
Shinpachi nodded his head, fully agreeing with his sister. "Exac-"
"We use poison." She completed.
"An-ane-ue!"
Hijikata tsked in disapproval. "That doesn't even count. Men don't do poison." He concluded.
The two sadists looked away.
"You thought exactly of that method, didn't you?!" Hijikata started to run after them, wanting kick the living out of them.
Kagura watched the scene silently.
"I also thought of poison, yes!"
"DON'T JUST SAY YOU THOUGHT WHEN YOU OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T!" Hijikata shouted, currently chasing Sougo and Gin.
The boy ran right in the darkest part of the building. Ginpachi, who was right behind him, "pulled the brake" the moment he saw the boy disappearing. He stopped right in front of the beginning of the "un-safe", his heels smoking from the friction.
Hijikata bumped into him.
"What the hell are you doing, idiot?!" The former asked, angry because of the pain. He first thought he hit a wall, but then he saw sensei's back, shoulder and every visible muscles all tensed up.
"Don't call your teacher "idiot", Oogushi-kun." The man said with a very calm and constant voice.
Then he turned his head in a very robotic manner.
"S-S-So-Sou-Soui-chirou-ku-kun just dis-s-s-sappeared in the da-darknes-s-s-s..." He shuttered as he pointed at the "un-safe" zone repeatedly and sweating abundantly.
Hijikata face grew pale.
"S-so what... are y-y-you s-s-scared?"
The man waved his hand nonchalantly. "N-no... n-n-n-n-n-n-n-not at alr..."
"That's too much N even for a scared human!" Shinpachi butted in.
"That's right." Hijikata nodded. "Shin-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-npachi-"
"YOU TOO, STOP IT!"
Suddenly, they heard a high-pitched, horrified scream. They all looked toward the darkness, eyes and eyebrows twitching.
There they saw a shallow silhouette in the middle of it, wearing a long, white dress and standing still, looking forward.
They would have sighed in relief, thinking it was just Sougo, only there was a problem.
The silhouette had long, long dark hair.
"Hyaaah!" Otae screamed. Gin and Hijikata sprinted to the switch.
"Why don't you turn on?! Why don't you turn oooon!?"
Ginpachi chanted as he "ceremoniously" moved the switch up and down furiously.
Hijikata smashed his head against Gin's, to see the switch. "She's getting closer, do something!"
"I'm trying! I'm trying! It's not working! It's not workinggggg!"
"Then make it woooork!"
"G-Gin-chan, she's here!" Kagura yelled, then started to run toward them.
"Kagura-chan, what are you doing?!"
But he couldn't stop her anymore. She jumped and launched herself toward them, foot stretched in combat style. The two men threw themselves, trying to avoid the collision with the flying girl. She landed on the switch, crushed it and got stuck in the wall in the end.
"That's not how you turn on a switch! It's already disconnected, it can't be turned on!" Shinpachi yelled at the three idiots as Otae helped Kagura to get out, asking the girl if she's alright. Kagura nodded and thanked her Anego.
Gin and Hijikata froze in the spot.
Which made Kagura, Otae and Shinpachi to look at them confused. Kagura waved her hand at Ginpachi's, making "uh-huh" sounds. "Gin-chan, wake up, yes."
Ginpachi blinked still wide-eyed. The man beside him was gaping... and gaping. The three teenagers looked at each other. Otae was the first to take it seriously. "Gin-sa-"
The two pointed at their back. "SHE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"
The classmates' bangs covered their eyes. They all turned in a robotic way.
And saw a short girl, dresses in a ragged, dirty dress that had blood splashed on it. She was looking down, her long, black and straight hair was covering her face, and all that could be seen was a pale skin that was covering her shadowed face. No one could see her eyes. You would say she was a corpse. If she wasn't standing.
She was emitting a gloomy, dark and heavy aura.
"Good evening." They said in unison.
Silence. The girl rose her head.
They held their breaths. Her face was still covered by her hair. Confused, she grabbed it, trying to uncover her face.
"Run!" Ginpachi shouted, giving the start. Then they all made a run for their lives.
"Good evening!" Shouted a sweet voice after them.
They all stopped in their tracks, but they didn't turn back. Or their back.
"D-did the ghost respond?"
"D-did the ghost respond...?"
"The ghost respond!"
"The ghost respond...!" Hijikata repeated Gin's lines like a parrot.
"What do we do?!"
"What do we d-"
Shinpachi smashed the two's heads together. "Stop doing that!" Ginpachi started to rub his harmed scalp as Shinpachi glared at them.
"And you, Gin-san! You are the main character, don't just play along." He pointed to his left. "You're an example to Kagura..."
He stopped and actually looked to his left. And saw no one.
Kagura has ran to the ghost and was now hugging her tightly, giggling and acting all girl-like.
"Soyo-chan, you're costume is amazing!" The red head said after she let go of her best friend. "Gin-chan and Mayora actually believed that you were Madako!"
Ginpachi suddenly appeared next to them, coughing meticulously. "I didn't actually believe that. Of course I knew about Hime-sama; I was just acting."
"OI, stop lying! You almost wetted you pants when you saw her. You were so scared that you forgot some words pronunciation." Hijikata said, trying to use Gin as shield to protect his reputation.
"That's not actually right. You were scared too." The teacher fought back. "You were so scared that actually you used more n-es than me!" He grinned mockingly. "You were the scary cat here, Oogushi-kun."
A vein popped on mayo lover's forehead.
"Shut up, bastard! You were-"
"Danna's right, Hijikata-san." Sougo dead-panned as he walked out of the darkness. Action that stunned the group.
"You're alive?!"
Sougo looked at them with a blank face. They all had different reaction to that:
"Why are you alive, yes?!"
"Don't ask someone why they're alive, Kagura-channn!"
"I thought you were dead, Souchirou-kun."
"My, my, looks like Okita-kun is alive."
"He's alive, it seems, right?" Soyo said, joining the group.
"Ah, that reminds me..." Sougo said as he stated to dig in his pocket after something. "Hime-sama, your hair clips." He said and put in her palm two tiny pieces of metal.
"Why, thank you!" She said and smiled.
"Tell me, where the hell is that pocket of yours?! And why is there such a happy aura surrounding you two?! That costume of yours doesn't have pockets!"
"Yeah." Ginpachi nodded and took out a piece of paper. "Look at the drawing; there's no pocket!"
Sougo squat his hams so that he could get a better look at it and stared at it with dead-fish eyes. "Oh, look. There's a pocket." He said, then pointed at the lower part of the drawing.
"That's a patch! It can't be a pocke-" Gin squat his hams too. "Actually it can."
Hijikata looked at them pissed.
"Why I'm the one to hold the paper you're staring at?!" Then they suddenly formed a circle around him, all in the same, squat position, with Otae and Soyo being the new members. "And why are you joining them?!"
"Because it's fun!" Soyo-hime looked up at him and smiled.
"Were the Staring Circle, Hijikata-san. Starring: Danna, One-san, Hime-sama a-"
"Starring? I wanna be a star too!" Kagura immediately joined the group.
"-me and China." Sougo ended his list.
"Why did you put yourself first, Sadist. It should be "The great Kagura-sama and me"! "
With veins popping on his forehead, Hijikata ripped the drawing apart.
"Stop this nonsense and go find that green giant!"
They all covered their ears.
"Hijikata-san, the author is gonna kill you for that." Sougo dead-panned, not moving a muscle. Like the whole circle, by the way.
"GO AND FIND HIM!"
Kagura frowned.
"But it's so comfortable here." Ginpachi whined.
"How the hell is that position comfortable?!"
"Well, it's better than wandering arou-"
"Oh, shut up!" Kagura snapped, got up and straightened her skirt. "You're gonna tell us to make teams, so I'm going with Soyo-chan!" She said and grabbed Soyo's hand, then made a run for it.
She walked with confident steps toward the door and opened it.
"Have you seen a green person?" She asked, half inside the classroom. Soyo peeked over her shoulder. "No" was the answer.
"Okay, next classroom." She said to Soyo as she closed the door. "How comes it took you so much to come, by the way?"
"I had to go with Jiiya to help him... solve a problem."
Kagura turned toward her friend, worried. "He's alright, yes? You know you can count on me..."
Soyo smiled assuring. "Of course. It was just a misunderstanding."
Kagura smiled back. "Good."
She would go through hell and back for her friends and loved ones. And Soyo-chan was one of them. So, Kagura wanted to make sure that she'd be one of the first persons Soyo would reach for help if needed. Maybe because Soyo was one of the first true friend of her that was also the same age as her. Or maybe because she just wanted to be useful for the people that mattered.
"Hey, Kagura-chan, that class has some cute boys, don't you think?" Soyo asked with interest, even though she just wanted to change the subject.
"Umgh... yeah. They were good looking boys... they looked like um... boys..." Kagura tried to make up a decent answer, but failed.
That didn't kill Hime's excitement though.
"So, what do you think of the boys in our class?"
"Heh?" Kagura suddenly stopped. "They're idiots."
The other girl laughed awkwardly. "Yeah, you may be right on that matter. But what about their appearance?"
Kagura blinked confused. "Apparence...?"
"Yeah, for example, what do you think of Okita-kun? I think he's cute. And he's quite popular too, if I remember correctly."
What?! Kagura stopped and faced her friend. "That guy?! He's a fu-freakin' sadist! He's just as cute as my poop. Or Otsuu's poop in Shinpachi wild imagination... or Anego's in Gorilla's."
Soyo-chan laughed. "Ah, you're right, I didn't think of that matter to be honest. After all, the personality is important too. Or the way you see one person." She added softly the last line.
"Ha?"
The princess shook her head. "Nothing important."
Then Kagura suggested to go and buy some sukonbu.
"How about the searching?"
"We'll do some searching on the way toward the shop and in its area."
Soyo grinned. "Let's go. She cheered and went ahead.
Later on, they were sitting on a bench, chewing on sukonbu and laughing.
"I tell you, he stayed in the bathroom until he thought the inspector was gone. And then he went kaboom!" Kagura gesticulated the explosion stretching her arms as much as she could. "And face-straight in Baba who kicked him, making him fly again. And he flew a few more times. In: Anego, that excuse of a cat-girl..."
"Um... Catherine?"
"Yes. ...Pat- um, Shinpachi, Mayora, the ninja girl, who was all like: (falsetto) Ah, Gin-san you landed on meee! This is a marriage proposal, aaaah!"
"No one is gonna marry you, China."
The two girls turned their heads toward the voice. Okita Sougo was just exiting the school building.
Through the window. He hopped on the ground, then hurried to them.
"Sadist! The hell are you do-"
"Do you really want to know?" He asked as he passed by them and hid behind the bench. She turned toward him. "Of course!"
"Well then- oh, wait." He turned to Soyo dead-panned. "Hime-sama, would you mind to hide before the bench please. I would prefer you to be safe and what's gonna happen may be dangerous."
"Sure." She seized her friend's sleeve.
Kagura looked at her questioningly. The girl stared at her back, determined to not give up. In the end Kagura sighed and they both hid behind the bench.
"So, what are you doing here?!" Kagura snapped.
Sougo looked somewhere far away. "You were telling the story of the inspector explosion and Danna, right?"
"Yeah! Oh, right." She looked at Soyo, who was in front of her. "So, Gin-chan kept on flying around until he-"
"Landed in front of me and Hijikata-san."
Kagura waved a hand in front of him. "Shut up, Sadist. And this guy over here was something like:- "
"Oh, Danna, I thought it was Hijikata-san."
"-in a very dead-panned tone. And, of course Gin-chan was all like "'Why the hell did you think I'm him when he's right next to you?!" with a afro silver perm and full of ashes." She glared at him, not happy that she couldn't kick him because she may harm Soyo. "And of course he gave us a surprise test paper the next day!"
"I got a full mark." He added nonchalantly.
A vein popped on her forehead. "I didn't!"
They both took something that reminded of a fighting position. Soyo laughed at the sight of the two that we "trying" to hide.
"I guess I'm happy I missed school last week." She said as she wiped a tear that started to form at the end of her eye from the laughing.
"Yeah, I think that was for the best." The boy dead-panned as he leaned against the back of the bench, trying to shield his body the best he could.
Feeling uneasy out of a sudden, the girls did the same thinking that maybe they were followed by some weirdos of someone was watching them with killing intend.
"Oi, Sadist..." she whispered."... w-who is watching us?" If they had something with her friend, they'd better watch out! They could take him, though.
He looked at her puzzled. "Ha? No one's watching us."
"Then why are we hiding?!"
He looked through the bench's planks, eyeing the window he used as a exit some minutes ago. Suddenly, two silhouettes came running toward the exit. They seemed to run for their... lives.
Realizing that they could escape faster using the window, the two silhouettes jumped through the window at the same time.
And got stuck.
"G-Gin-chan!"
"I told you, you use the door." Ginpachi said through gritted teeth as he pushed, punched or pinched back Hijikata, who was, most probably, trying to save his ass. I mean life.
Hijikata was pretty much doing the same, squirming and trying to get the other inside so that he'd be capable to get out.
"Are you crazy?! I don't wanna die! I survived too much through this sh*t to die! And if I die you'll be the first to take my role, so you're coming with me, Oogushi-kunn!"
"What?!" He pushed Gin's face away. "Who'd want to take your place?! I just wanna live!"
"Gin-chan, kick Mayora! Kick him good!" Kagura jumped and cheered.
"Danna, give him an uppercut!"
"Strike back, Mayora!" Soyo cheered out of a sudden. The other two stopped and stared at her.
"Yeah, Hijikata-san, go, Hijikata-san!" Sougo dead-panned, his hands in a v-shape in front of his mouth.
"Finish him, Mayora!"
Ginpachi kicked the other man. "Oh, who's side are you, oi?!"
"Make him die a natural death, Danna!"
Hijikata elbowed Gin in the stomach. "That's too much for a cheer, kureee!" He shouted.
Sougo blinked. "Oh." He said toneless. "Get down."
"Eh? Why?" Soyo asked as they dived back behind the bench.
"Because we're gonna..." He stopped holding a finger in the air.
Kagura frowned. Soyo blinked.
They stood like this for a minute, listening to nothing, not even birds. And when she wanted to ask again what the hell he was up to, he finally spoke.
"... go kaboom!"
*KABOOOOOM!*
A powerful explosion propelled the two men stuck in the window on the ground. The three covered their ears and made themselves as compactable as possible, trying their best to avoid the magical flying boards and angry slabs of concrete that were coming their way.
After the whole disaster was over, the dust and dirt near them settled down, making it possible for them to see something until a certain area. Sougo was the first to rise his head to check the situation. Kagura followed, just to gape and stare at the mess wide eyed. Soyo was still coughing because of the dust and sulfuric smell.
When the dust cloud disappeared in the air, all they could see were two human bodies, thrown on the ground like a rag doll, both having an afro; one a dark-green one, the other a silver one. They were covered in dust, ashes, splinters and scratches.
And surrounded by a window frame.
"Go to hell, you gorilla!"
A second after that scream, Kondou flew through the window of the second floor and landed on the window-framed men with a crushing sound.
"Ane-ue...!" Shinpachi cringed.
And then Otae jumped from the spot and landed on her feet, on the same spot as Kondou. More exactly on Kondou.
"I-I think s-something b-broke." Ginpachi cried underneath the pipe of human beings.
"Well, at least the window is off." Sougo dead-panned.
"My ass!" Hijikata tried to get up... and probably broke another rib as he winced in pain and dropped himself on the ground.
"Why can't you use the stairs, Ane-ue?" Shinpachi asked when he finally got down. The moment he saw the scene, his eyes widened in horror. "G-Ginpachi-sensei! Ane-ue, get off him. And Gorilla."
"You called me Gorilla!" Kondou started to cry.
"That's what matters to you?!"
Kagura, Soyo and Sougo watched him with dead-fish eyes as he helped the three fallen men.
"Petoro-san, look, look, toys!" said a voice, a little boy probably, that was passing by.
"My, my, what a weird way to say "dad". " Otae said, giggling softly.
"I know, right?" Soyo smiled. The little boy and Petoro-san made their day better with its cuteness.
"Peto-chan, there a shop here. I want a candy~!"
"Oh, look, there's also a little girl, yes. What a happy Papi!"
"And broke." Sougo added dead-panned. "There's actually more kids than two. By the number of the voice, I think twelve."
Kagura sweat-dropped. "W-well, he must be a very happy Papi, yes!" She stopped. "But that's really a lot..." she pondered. "What a fertile Mami!"
Ginpachi smashed the back of her head.
"Stop saying such things! Are you an idiot? That's not even possible!"
"Actually, Danna-"
"If they're too many, then it's a kindergarten!"
They all made a soft "Oooh...!" sound.
Ginpachi smiled proudly, happy that he actually said something smart, as he wasn't really sure of his theory himself.
"Oh, look, they're coming this way." Sougo said and pointed at the school's gate.
They fixed their eyes there to see the little group and their loving teacher.
And indeed, they saw a group of little, cute, energetic and loud kids coming their way, curious how a high school looked. And even more excited to get Halloween candies.
But they also saw a big, giant being costumed in a very beloved character.
A big, brown-grayish furry animal walked on its two feet near the children. He had big, friendly eyes, long whiskers, pointy ears and a beige belly with some arrows of the same color as the body on the top of it.
He also had two dirty-white horns pointing out of the costume and his paws had long claws.
They all looked at the kids with their bangs covering their eyes, following how they passed them to get to the cafeteria.
"Petoro" also passed them and waved at them friendly, then he entered the shop.
When he got out, his classmates were still there, stoned and faceless. He waved at them again, then guided the kids to the high-school's secretary for trick or treat.
"P-Petoro (4), huh...?" Ginpachi articulated when the main... attraction left.
"I-it fits him, yes..."
"I guess we wandered around for nothing." Otae laughed whole-heartedly.
"You didn't wander around!" Ginpachi and Hijikata shouted at her. And regretted it immediately. "W-we're sorry!"
"But... he was kindergarten volunteering, who would have guess!" Soyo laughed.
"Well, it fits him really well." Shinpachi said.
Ginpachi nodded, smiling. "I guess he doesn't need us to make him feel better."
Then they all; Ginpachi, Kagura, Sougo, Otae, Kondou, Soyo, Catherine, Otose, Sacchan, Hijikata, Yamazaki, Tama, Kyuubei and Katsura, all stopped from what they were doing and took a moment to look at the sky, with sad and pitiful eyes. Shinpachi eyed them questioningly.
"WE'RE NEVER GONNA BE CHOSEN FOR THE NICEST CLASS EVER 'THINGY!"
"That's what matters to you?!"
super saiyen – super saiyan + yen = saiyen, yen being the Japanese currency.
Bussu-oto-ku – bussu + otoko + otaku = ugly-man-otaku. Though I'm not sure if "bussu" can be used for males too, as is used mostly for girls. It's a very rude insult to say to a Japanese girl, by the way.
Like Guvia. Are you a ice mage's stalker, Mayora? – Fairy Tail refence. Guvia – Juvia. She's Gray's stalker (the ice mage) and talks at the third person about herself.
He fell for a fire-mage. – Fairy Tail again. Natsu – fire (dragon) mage. Does this make Hijikata a Lucy-character? Also, Ginpachi may be reffering to Mitsuba's addiction to tabasco, hence that makes Mitsuba the "fire-mage". Your choice here.
Petoro – Totoro. Hedoro was dressed in Totoro costume. Also, Hijikata's Alexander the Great, just so you know.
See you next time!